Frustrated with cheap brother

[Anonymous]

My parents decided to throw their own party given the drama it was creating with my brother

They shouldn't have known this, should not have known about any drama affecting their anniversary dinner. If they are the guests, you do not inform them of drama. At all other times, they do need to know. Op, I think, most importantly, later, you need to have some serious talks with your parents --- how you and your brother do not see eye-to-eye on making financial decisions, and how that may affect your parents in the future. You do not work well together. They need to accept that as fact and plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want to have dinner with either of you.

This, you want the party, you pay. It is absurd you demand gifts for your young kids birthdays. You sound grubby.

[Anonymous]

I will be the lone voice of dissension. Your brother is trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m financially successful and I hate hate HATE my family counting my money. I would dig my heels in too if I felt you were pressuring me to chip in on your gestures.

+1

I'd love to hear the brother's side of this story. I agree with PP who suggested that he might not like you.

He also might not have the amount of money you think he has. I have relatives who think we are absolutely LOADED. We're not. This pile of money that everyone thinks we have is an urban legend. We have good jobs, but they're not factoring things like major COL differences into account when they imagine what our disposable income might be, other medical expenses that we've kept private, the fact that childcare for many years was nearly $4,000/month, and a whole other host of factors.

I get shower invitations all the time from relatives who live in rural areas 1,000 miles from here. It is obvious they're sending them as a gift grab.

I don't doubt that your relatives don't understand that DC incomes don't go as far in this high COL area. But I'm so sorry to hear that you think shower invitations from your own family are an opportunity to gift grab. Every invite I've ever received, gift implied or not, I see as a great honor.

I never said that I think that every invitation is a gift grab, but I know one when I see one.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're planning the dinners, you pay. It's that simple. If your prerogative to not invite your brother if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

Yes, he says he thinks spending money on fancy restaurants or fancy events is a total waste. He is a pretty picky eater so he doesn’t want to eat “fussy” food as he says... but yet he doesn’t want to be excluded either. But this isn’t about what he wants... this is about doing something nice for my parents.

I actually think he just prefers to let my parents pay for him since they always do.

That's the thing, OP. Your parents are enabling this behavior. I know you want your brother to see reason and change but your parents are making it easy for him not to change. You shouldn't be paying for him but you should accept it if they want to pay for him. They're not going to change either. It sucks but you've done the best you can and just learn to let them be who they are.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get why YOU get to decide what he spends on your parents. If he doesn’t want to give them gifts (in the form of meals or otherwise) that is between them and him.

My SIL is a restaurant snob and is always trying to drag us to places that are $$$$.

Everyone does not have the same priorities. It doesn’t make him cheap that he doesn’t want to spend $150 (!!!) for one person’s dinner.

[Anonymous]

It's the parents I take offense to in this situation. Insisting that the brother come, and offering to pay for him, creates a ridiculous dynamic, with the only alternative being OP paying for her well-to-do brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My parents decided to throw their own party given the drama it was creating with my brother

They shouldn't have known this, should not have known about any drama affecting their anniversary dinner. If they are the guests, you do not inform them of drama. At all other times, they do need to know. Op, I think, most importantly, later, you need to have some serious talks with your parents --- how you and your brother do not see eye-to-eye on making financial decisions, and how that may affect your parents in the future. You do not work well together. They need to accept that as fact and plan accordingly.

+1.

How trashy that they even know about any of this.

Here's what, OP. You should have asked your brother ONCE if he was interested in throwing this event with you. He can say no. You then MOVE ON and either pay for the party yourself (it was, after all, YOUR IDEA), or drop the idea and find another way ON YOUR OWN to celebrate them.

So gross that you told your parents that you wanted to throw them a party, but mean brother wouldn't pony up the cash.

You are the worst, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother absolutely sucks.

So does OP! Stop counting other people's money and acting like the way they do or don't spend their money is ANY of your business. And stop trying to act like you know how someone else should live their life. Read the room--he's NOT INTERESTED in being the person you think he should be. Leave him alone. Stop. Really.

If this is truly the case, and the relationship with her brother is completely one-sided, then OP has all the information she needs. She should then feel free to let her parents know that if they only want to get together with her if the brother is included, then she and her family won't see them at all. It's painful to be around a member of the family who isn't interested in having a fair, dynamic relationship with you. She and her wallet shouldn't be subjected to it any longer.

Her wallet was never SUBJECTED to anything.

She never HAD TO PAY for her brother; maybe she chose to, sometimes.

She never had to make up elaborate, costly celebrations, expecting her brother to help pay; she then can DROP THE IDEA instead of "having" to pay for something costly herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is a mooch. If he doesn't want to spend money on expensive restaurants, he should politely turn down the invitations. He shouldn't show up and expect someone else to pay. Having said that, he's allowed to spend his money however he wants. It's the spending of your parents' money I take offense to.

Your parents are suckers. It's fine to go to dinner with one child and not the other. They need to get over that and stop letting your brother manipulate his way into free food. Having said that, they're allowed to spend their money how they want to. I'm just going to roll my eyes every time they give in.

You have unrealistic expectations of your brother. Don't ask about splitting bills or throwing parties; you know he won't. And he's not close with your kids and isn't obligated to buy them presents. It is what it is. Let it go.

It’s their money. You don’t get to decide how they spend it, OP doesn’t get to decide, either.

They can buy a star named after themselves, or LV dog cattier, or a diamond-encrusted lollipop holder, or a gold toilet, or a ticket to Bermuda, or a donation to Trump’s reelection campaign, or a Chia Pet. Or a meal for their son.

It’s their money. To do with as they please.

Do. you. get. it?

Ahhh, see. Now we know why this poster is such a jerk

I voted for Barack Obama twice, Hillary Clinton once, and plan to vote for literally any Democratic nominee. But thanks for playing.

THE POINT is that they can do literally anything with their money, what with it being their money and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m financially successful and I hate hate HATE my family counting my money. I would dig my heels in too if I felt you were pressuring me to chip in on your gestures.

So you are cheap AND stubborn.

Hi, OP!

Hi brother!
Not OP but she's not pressuring him, he's clearly taking advantage of their parents' generosity. Not only is he leeching off them every time they go to dinner, he won't pay when it's a special occasion dinner for them. Clearly they would appreciate it as they like go out to eat often - OP's gesture is an entirely appropriate gift.

I can't imagine any of my siblings not chipping in for my parents' anniversary.

You guys? The parents have WRITTEN HIM A PERMISSION SLIP to behave the way he does, by continuing to pay for his dinners well into adulthood. Why would he change? He's getting a sweet deal. Yeah, he's a jerk, but they've created this monster.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever say “mom and dad’s anniversary is coming up, what DO YOU want to do for it?”

He doesn’t like your idea which is really just him subsidizing your idea/gesture. It’s not what he wants to do.

[Anonymous]

You take your parents out to a nice lunch. This is your gift to your parents. Leave your brother and husband out of it. No need for all the drama.

[Anonymous]

My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.