Frustrated with cheap brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

Yes, he says he thinks spending money on fancy restaurants or fancy events is a total waste. He is a pretty picky eater so he doesn’t want to eat “fussy” food as he says... but yet he doesn’t want to be excluded either. But this isn’t about what he wants... this is about doing something nice for my parents.

I actually think he just prefers to let my parents pay for him since they always do.

So go to a cheaper place. What restaurant charges 150 dollars a person???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is a pos.

There are 6 siblings in our family and we share dinners for parents when we're all going and pay our way/split/treat each other.

[Anonymous]

It's all relative. At least OP's brother is self-sufficient and not some junkie costing his parents $200,000 in rehab fees. I think OP is more upset that her parents don't mind that her brother isn't chipping in and that THEY are paying for him. It irks her because she wishes they would take her side and idolize as her all-good daughter while vilifying their all-bad son. So OP is using money as a proxy for her parents' love for her vis-a-vis her brother- that's what I'm reading here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. First off, my parents asked for the anniversary party. They said they would love something like that so I said I would talk to my brother to see if he would be open to throwing one with me. She checked in with me about it and I said he wouldn’t go in on it with me so she said they would just handle themselves.

And in terms of the $150 dinner... first off, it’s my parents’ 59th wedding anniversary so I thought it would be nice to go somewhere nice with them. I hadn’t even picked a specific place so that was just a maximum estimate since my brother usually has 3-4 drinks when we go out which can be like $60 right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all relative. At least OP's brother is self-sufficient and not some junkie costing his parents $200,000 in rehab fees. I think OP is more upset that her parents don't mind that her brother isn't chipping in and that THEY are paying for him. It irks her because she wishes they would take her side and idolize as her all-good daughter while vilifying their all-bad son. So OP is using money as a proxy for her parents' love for her vis-a-vis her brother- that's what I'm reading here.

This is OP. That’s not it at all. I just find it incredibly rude that my brother won’t do anything to celebrate my parents’ anniversary after all they have done for him (and me) throughout our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

I'm not going out and buying three presents for my parents and writing "from brother 1" and "from brother 2!" I'm dealing independently with my parents, getting them what I can afford, and not spending a lot of time worrying whether others kick in equal amounts or making sure I am given full credit for every unattributed surprise (my parents know). I don't see how spending my emotional energy trying to make my brothers do and care about the same things is MORE adult than basically doing my own thing.

[Anonymous]

Its not rude. He does not want to. Invite him and tell you you will pay for your parents and he can pay for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

I'm not going out and buying three presents for my parents and writing "from brother 1" and "from brother 2!" I'm dealing independently with my parents, getting them what I can afford, and not spending a lot of time worrying whether others kick in equal amounts or making sure I am given full credit for every unattributed surprise (my parents know). I don't see how spending my emotional energy trying to make my brothers do and care about the same things is MORE adult than basically doing my own thing.

Oh, my God. If your brothers wanted to mark milestones with gifts, they would. They CHOOSE NOT TO. You somehow think in your female wisdom that you know better than them what should and must be done, for whom, and when, and how. So you keep up a pretend fantasy game that apparently your parents are also invested in, rather than just facing the reality that THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

Do you also write checks to charities you think they support in their name? Do you sign them up for email newsletters you think they should get? Have you purchased burial plots next to your parents because that's what you think they should do?

Ugh, stop. You are setting women back, again, some more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Because it’s not about money, it’s about OP the control freak inflicting her will on her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

I'm not going out and buying three presents for my parents and writing "from brother 1" and "from brother 2!" I'm dealing independently with my parents, getting them what I can afford, and not spending a lot of time worrying whether others kick in equal amounts or making sure I am given full credit for every unattributed surprise (my parents know). I don't see how spending my emotional energy trying to make my brothers do and care about the same things is MORE adult than basically doing my own thing.

Oh, my God. If your brothers wanted to mark milestones with gifts, they would. They CHOOSE NOT TO. You somehow think in your female wisdom that you know better than them what should and must be done, for whom, and when, and how. So you keep up a pretend fantasy game that apparently your parents are also invested in, rather than just facing the reality that THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

Do you also write checks to charities you think they support in their name? Do you sign them up for email newsletters you think they should get? Have you purchased burial plots next to your parents because that's what you think they should do?

Ugh, stop. You are setting women back, again, some more.

+1

Pay attention OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just go without him. It sounds like you are trying to include everyone in what you want to do and he doesn't really care.

Pick a time that is just impossible for him, treat your parents from just you. Tell your parents this works best for your family to do something with your parents.

He can do his own thing with his parents separately, and your not stuck paying for his dinner.

I have a feeling he won't even care.

My parents are the ones that won’t go without him. They always make sure we make plans for when he can be there and then they pay for him.

OK, yes, and? IT IS THEIR MONEY, AND THEY CAN BUY HIM A MEAL IF THEY CHOOSE TO. Literally none of your business.

Do you get it?

Hey look we found the MOOCHER brother!

Op. If I were you I would pick a cheap restaurant when your brother is with you. Try to get your parents doing something else and then surprise them with a fancy dinner reservation. Tell them you just want to hang with them

Only invite cheap bro if you are having a big party. Are your parents open yo discussing this? It is so crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not rude. He does not want to. Invite him and tell you you will pay for your parents and he can pay for himself.

Then brother should stay home and stop mooching off mom and dad
I thought dcum was all about kicking the 18 year old out and being responsible. Here is a grown ass man taking advantage of his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not rude. He does not want to. Invite him and tell you you will pay for your parents and he can pay for himself.

Then brother should stay home and stop mooching off mom and dad
I thought dcum was all about kicking the 18 year old out and being responsible. Here is a grown ass man taking advantage of his parents.

How about the parents laugh in his face and say, "You're 40something; pay your own way, ya big mooch!" That's what my parents would do. Who are these mealy-mouthed ninnies who clearly can't say N-O to their grown-ass adult son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just go without him. It sounds like you are trying to include everyone in what you want to do and he doesn't really care.

Pick a time that is just impossible for him, treat your parents from just you. Tell your parents this works best for your family to do something with your parents.

He can do his own thing with his parents separately, and your not stuck paying for his dinner.

I have a feeling he won't even care.

My parents are the ones that won’t go without him. They always make sure we make plans for when he can be there and then they pay for him.

So your parents like him more than they like you?