s/o Why so much delusion by parents of adult kids around "big happy family get togethers"
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Anonymous
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This is inspired by the thread regarding the Family Reunion Cabin woes.
Situation is one that I hear of often, on this site and elsewhere. There is a big push/guilt trip for EVERYONE to all be together at the same time. I fully get that there are some families that can do that, but there are also many other families where that is not going to go well. There can be many, many reasons for this: siblings that never got along, a new in-law that clashes with another in-law, wildly different parenting styles emerging as grandchildren come into the picture, etc. The really simple solution to this is to avoid putting the two clashing elements in the same place at the same time. I totally get that most parents have a hope/dream that their adult children will be friends. So many people say that one of their primary reasons for having more than one is so that the siblings could be there for each other. I get that it would be hard to let go of that dream, but... After a certain point, it's just madness to hold on to the delusion. Repeatedly putting the people together isn't going to lead to a magical love moment--it's going to create more friction. These older parents could have a wonderful vacation and create wonderful memories... if they had two vacations: one with one child+their family, and then with other child+their family. Instead, everyone is enduring a tension-filled week. Why? I have different groups of friends. I know that some of them, due to different interests/personalities/etc would not get along with each other. I don't create gatherings in which I force them all to be in the same room. Not only is it not fun for them, it's not fun for me, because I would have to constantly worry about keeping things fun. Again, I know people have some really entrenched myths about "happy families" but I think it should be clear by just living in the world that such a thing is not necessarily the norm, and repeated attempts at the "full family reunion" in these cases is meeting the definition of insanity (doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome.) Before people jump on to argue that in the instance of the cabin vacation the mother is sick, and that makes it different... Unless she is weeks away from dying, I still think it would have been better to create two special family visits. Some time in the near future, those two sisters are going to have to come together in a time of grief to deal with funeral, etc. It would be tough in any circumstance, but the parents have guaranteed that the most recent thoughts/experiences these two sister will be taking into that moment are those of frustration brought on by the forced proximity in less-than-ideal circumstances of the cabin trip. |
Anonymous
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I agree with you that the big happy family get together often doesn't work, for many reasons. But, I can't blame parents for wanting both their kids / all their grandkids in one place at one time. It's very natural, and it's okay to be sad when it doesn't work.
My DH and his brother don't get along that great -- not fighting, but just very different people who enjoy spending time in different ways and have little to talk about. We've tried doing the beach house thing with them and it's just no fun for anyone. One of their kids has severe allergies which also makes it difficult to do meals together, and we can't have them over to our place because the child is allergic to our dog. It's nobody's fault but it just isn't easy or fun to meet everyone's logistical needs. I completely sympathize with my inlaws being sad about how little we all see each other. My mother has 5 sisters, all of whom have children and grandchildren scattered around the U.S. Most get along great or can fake it for a day. The sisters (my mom and aunts) place a high value on getting everyone under one roof for Christmas in the expensive suburban town where the aunts grew up, which is logistically difficult and and there's little to do there besides the family event. Spending all our vacation dollars and leave on a trip to see my family at Christmas is not sustainable and not fair to my spouse's family who moved to be near us. But, it's still joyful when everyone gets together, and sadder when they don't. |
Anonymous
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OP, MIL pulls this every year with her "vacation" idea. I stay home, because we are just different people, and one person embracing the other person's differences simply does not work, it has to go both ways. Plus, I get stuck with dishes and have a hard time living in filth, which they embrace. Sounds petty on my part, but it is just one example. If the IL's were warm, welcoming and inclusive (to my kids as well, not just me, I could not care less) - that would be another story. They just don't have it in them.
As far as their family, no they don't get along, they barely even talk to each other - (one example) SIL gets along with very few people. If someone grew up in an area, yet has literally no friends from that area, that is a huge red flag to me, and tells me loud and clear that it is not me. I have my own family and friends, and we happen to enjoy each other. (Another example) MIL would complain about snow days, even without young children - meanwhile, we (me and my nuclear family) were out sledding together and enjoying the snow. Just one example, telling me MIL wasn't really into her self chosen "role". That, and I just don't have the acting skills to pull off a whole week with these people, any more than they have the acting skills to pretend they are one big happy family, like they want outsiders to believe. I don't go on "vacations" for bragging rights, I go on vacations with people I enjoy, who don't have historical friction and hostility so thick you can cut it with a knife. The IL's inevitably fall into their old roles, and it is just ugly. DH and I have such limited vacation time, we choose wisely. |
Anonymous
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In the cabin post it sounded like it was larger family reunion. She didn't get into details of exactly what, but that was my impression.
So to answer your question: people do it for family reunions when lots of relatives will be in one spot for a few days. |
Anonymous
| I love spending time with my family and I enjoy my nieces and nephews. There is no turmoil but we keep it fun. The thing is that the adult kids and their spouses are fueling the decisions to get everyone together even more than my parents. If one of us was overly negative I would make up an excuse to back out but wouldn’t be guilt tripped about it. |
Anonymous
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Agree. We always delude ourselves into thinking a big family get-together will be great.
I just traveled with my SIL, brother and niece for the first time. I was so nervous I got a violent upset stomach the night before. But it went well! I was pleasantly surprised. Except for the day we met up with my parents and everything went to crap to the point that my normally very-together SIL wound up crying. |
Anonymous
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I think people don't get to enjoy their nuclear families at all while they're babies or kids because they're constantly being pulled by their extended families. And then when their kids are adults they do the same to their adult children.
I think that if people got to enjoy their nuclear families while they're young, they wouldn't feel this need to force traditions and holidays on their stressed adult children. |
Anonymous
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Our Disney, lake house, winter beach, or holiday visits are awesome! We do at least 1-2 a year but not everyone can make it. The little cousins love it, we do too, and obviously grandma and grandpa love hosting and playing around and setting traditions!
Can’t wait to see them all this weekend, safe travels bro& fam! |
Anonymous
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To be clear we also take 2-3 nuclear family only trips. Even with young kids.
10 more spring breaks only to go! Make them count! |
Anonymous
+1 MIL blew it the first time around, and second time around is no better. I would feel differently if the vacations were kid oriented, but little attention is paid to the small kids, and the small kids are bored all week, so why bother. |
Anonymous
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We enjoy vacations with one side of the extended family.
The other side doesn’t travel or vacation much - nor like to spend their money. So even going out to dinner or a day trip w admission tix with them sux. It’s like a big game of pretending to be ignorant when the bill or tip comes. Or when we check into our two bed hotel room with our two kids and they stand there pretending one bed is for them. And forget about ever getting a thank you for paying. |
Anonymous
OH HELL NO. |
Anonymous
UNREAL. I would march down to the front desk and have the front desk tell them that 6 people aren't allowed in one room. |
Anonymous
| My family is pretty easy to deal with, DHs is a challenge, esp his sister who is a bitch. Even DH doesnt like to vacation with his family, but is haley to do so with mine. We don't smother each others sometimes we do stuff together, sometimes not, and thats ok! |
Anonymous
| I don’t think OP is trying to say this doesn’t work for anyone. She is just saying that it’s a bad idea to force it on families where it clearly isn’t going to work. Therefore, there is no need to prove that it does work for some families. |