s/o Why so much delusion by parents of adult kids around "big happy family get togethers"

[Anonymous]

I agree, it 100% depends who you go with.

We just had a TERRIBLE beach vacation and came home
Worse than we left off. Didn’t help that it rained the entire time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

Some are, and some aren't ..just like smaller families. I come from a large family. We can drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day, we do enjoy being with each other as do all the grandchildren. It can be hectic to all be together, and everyone knows you just have to be flexible. The folks who have married into the family struggled a bit in the beginning, but now jump right in. I think they took cues from the family..just can't sweat the small stuff.

Honestly, spends on the parents. One side big, and very tight here - one side big and they would turn on a dime. If the parents are close and warm, loving, and inclusive then the kids learn that from the parents. If the parents are cold and internally hateful, then, that is what you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

Some are, and some aren't ..just like smaller families. I come from a large family. We can drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day, we do enjoy being with each other as do all the grandchildren. It can be hectic to all be together, and everyone knows you just have to be flexible. The folks who have married into the family struggled a bit in the beginning, but now jump right in. I think they took cues from the family..just can't sweat the small stuff.

Honestly, spends on the parents. One side big, and very tight here - one side big and they would turn on a dime. If the parents are close and warm, loving, and inclusive then the kids learn that from the parents. If the parents are cold and internally hateful, then, that is what you get.

*depends

[Anonymous]

Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want? In my 20s I really wanted to travel and only had 2 weeks vacation. Why go to a beach with my family when I could see them just on a random weekend and not need to use annual leave? I wanted to go overseas or South America on vacations. I’m in my 30s now. I don’t remember my grandparents forcing everyone on a vacation. What’s wrong with just Christmas or thanksgiving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want? In my 20s I really wanted to travel and only had 2 weeks vacation. Why go to a beach with my family when I could see them just on a random weekend and not need to use annual leave? I wanted to go overseas or South America on vacations. I’m in my 30s now. I don’t remember my grandparents forcing everyone on a vacation. What’s wrong with just Christmas or thanksgiving?

+1000

This trend has skyrocketed with everyone posting pics of their matching t-shirts while at a beach house with their family vacay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

Please be my mother in law!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

+1

This, times a billion. Maybe Mil/Fil should have worked on the closeness when they were young. DH can’t stand his family, and I can’t change that. No one was there for him growing up, they are entirely selfish and self centered, and will live and die that way. At least PP above is trying.

Yes! I feel like it's the elderly parents who force these vacations on everyone have adult children who don't get along/aren't close. It's probably because growing up in that family, the parents made it all about them, and didn't nurture their kids to develop their own bonds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want? In my 20s I really wanted to travel and only had 2 weeks vacation. Why go to a beach with my family when I could see them just on a random weekend and not need to use annual leave? I wanted to go overseas or South America on vacations. I’m in my 30s now. I don’t remember my grandparents forcing everyone on a vacation. What’s wrong with just Christmas or thanksgiving?

+1000

This trend has skyrocketed with everyone posting pics of their matching t-shirts while at a beach house with their family vacay.

+1

Self absorbed grandparents want bragging rights, when they barely bother to see their grandkids who live down the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

+1

This, times a billion. Maybe Mil/Fil should have worked on the closeness when they were young. DH can’t stand his family, and I can’t change that. No one was there for him growing up, they are entirely selfish and self centered, and will live and die that way. At least PP above is trying.

Yes! I feel like it's the elderly parents who force these vacations on everyone have adult children who don't get along/aren't close. It's probably because growing up in that family, the parents made it all about them, and didn't nurture their kids to develop their own bonds.

+1

Selfish grandparents were selfish parents. Doesn't get any better.

[Anonymous]

Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want?

Pay your way. In fact, maybe pay more. Take the lead. Do the paying and then you get to do the inviting. Money = power. When adult children rely on their parents for vacations, the adult children have given up the power. And they'v given up receiving their parent's respect --- respect for them as equal adults, respect for their time, respect for their preferences as to how to spend their time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want?

Pay your way. In fact, maybe pay more. Take the lead. Do the paying and then you get to do the inviting. Money = power. When adult children rely on their parents for vacations, the adult children have given up the power. And they'v given up receiving their parent's respect --- respect for them as equal adults, respect for their time, respect for their preferences as to how to spend their time.

Big assumption on your part. My MIL/FIL travel all over the world. Their idea of family vacation is cramming everyone into one of those big, poorly built beach houses. They dictate what we do, because that is how they have always been. Not exactly a happy couple, but the grown children attend out of obligation. It has never been the adult children's only vacation. In fact, most of the adult children have limited time off, and would much rather go anywhere else - but they go, because they think they should do the right thing. Sometimes people make it really, really, really, really hard for you to do the right thing, that's all.

If they were to cut out of their many worldwide trips, they could take the grandchildren somewhere pleasant, but they don't want to, and that is fine, they know we will take them. Besides, the grandchildren probably would not want to go with the grandparents, because the grandchildren have limited time also. In addition, the grandchildren know that the grandparents live down the street and only bother with one set of grandchildren (not them). It is obvious, it is hurtful, and it comes from a hard, cold, hateful heart. Point being, pretending to be one big happy family for bragging rights won't work, because there is too much history, and the children know what is going on, they make up their own mind from a young age. Kids aren't stupid.

It is difficult for me, coming from a large and truly close family who actually liked each other, who saw each other and spent time together, one way or another, all the time. We didn't have a lot, but we always had and have each other, and you can't buy that.

[Anonymous]

^ then you say, "Mom, Dad .. this is the vacation WE are going on. Here are the details. Would you like to come?"

(no I'm sorry. We can't go on your vacation)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ then you say, "Mom, Dad .. this is the vacation WE are going on. Here are the details. Would you like to come?"

(no I'm sorry. We can't go on your vacation)

You are assuming again. Sometimes, people just prefer to vacation with their nuclear family, and that is perfectly fine. The problems arise when the extended family is not close, never was close, and certain selfish family members have caused drama and hardships over the years, and everyone is expected to go and pretend it is the best thing that happened all year. In reality, most of the people don't even attend the entire week - due to work or personal sanity obligations. Which is also fine, but don't be rude to people when they are there, and that helps to get a peaceful time. It is basic manners, that's all.

[Anonymous]

People watch too much tv, that's why.

[Anonymous]

Big family get togethers are awesome