s/o Why so much delusion by parents of adult kids around "big happy family get togethers"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big family get togethers are awesome

If you have a warm, welcoming, fun and funny family they are amazing! Sullen, overly quiet, closed, pissy relatives who feel you owe them something and will never give them enough - not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suggesting that mom/grandma invited only one of her kids and her/his family for Thanksgiving? Can you imagine the drama this would create? Even if uninvited adult child really didn't want to go?

What drama?
See adult kid #1+their family at Thanksgiving
See adult kid #2+their family at Christmas
Alternate the holidays every year.
See? Easy. Even do-able with more siblings, just pick different holidays, or maybe don’t get fixated on having to be together on a holiday.

Again, I’m not saying this is the way it must be done, but if it’s been clearly demonstrated that having everyone at the same time is not working, then it’s better for everyone, yes EVERYONE to break things up into smaller groups.

Do you have children? I have a hard time imagining a parent writing this and not feeling slightly sad at the prospect your children can't manage to all be together once a year.

If a parent raised the children this way, it’s a little late to be “sad” about it once they are adults.

[Anonymous]

We often, but not always, go away with my parents and brother and his family once/year. This summer we are going along on my bro and SIL’s beach visit with her family! My kids really bonded with their significantly younger cousin on the 10 day trip we took a couple years ago in a way they hadn’t just seeing each other for individual day visits. On the other hand, my BIL prefers to travel with friends and we see him mostly for weekend-long visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suggesting that mom/grandma invited only one of her kids and her/his family for Thanksgiving? Can you imagine the drama this would create? Even if uninvited adult child really didn't want to go?

What drama?
See adult kid #1+their family at Thanksgiving
See adult kid #2+their family at Christmas
Alternate the holidays every year.
See? Easy. Even do-able with more siblings, just pick different holidays, or maybe don’t get fixated on having to be together on a holiday.

Again, I’m not saying this is the way it must be done, but if it’s been clearly demonstrated that having everyone at the same time is not working, then it’s better for everyone, yes EVERYONE to break things up into smaller groups.

Do you have children? I have a hard time imagining a parent writing this and not feeling slightly sad at the prospect your children can't manage to all be together once a year.

If a parent raised the children this way, it’s a little late to be “sad” about it once they are adults.

+1

Other PP here. This is how I feel. It is hellish to try to have a vacation with a house full of selfish narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We often, but not always, go away with my parents and brother and his family once/year. This summer we are going along on my bro and SIL’s beach visit with her family! My kids really bonded with their significantly younger cousin on the 10 day trip we took a couple years ago in a way they hadn’t just seeing each other for individual day visits. On the other hand, my BIL prefers to travel with friends and we see him mostly for weekend-long visits.

Works great if the kids are the same age, and the family is the warm, inclusive type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

NP here. Stumbled across this thread, and it's hitting home. Those are good ground rules. Goes both ways though. The grandparents/planners need to be realistic. I would love to stay no more than three days, stay in a different hotel down the road, and be allowed to slip out on my own as needed (with my kids). I'm pretty sure none of that would be well-received. My parents are lovely people but family situations bring out our most irrational, immature, and needy impulses. I know it does for me. I think it does for them too. Right now I feel like I'm already the black sheep and am scared to rock the boat further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want?

Pay your way. In fact, maybe pay more. Take the lead. Do the paying and then you get to do the inviting. Money = power. When adult children rely on their parents for vacations, the adult children have given up the power. And they'v given up receiving their parent's respect --- respect for them as equal adults, respect for their time, respect for their preferences as to how to spend their time.

PP here. We pay 100% for ourselves (not even a breakfast is paid for for us). We aren't allowed any lead or opinions whatsoever. I don't know any adults over 22 who have their parents pay for vacations. I'd just like a little leniency since we're the ones with kids. I'm sick of older parents planning boring vacations to Atlantic city or Ocean City.

We invite them on our fabulous vacations but they won't come.

What the heck is wrong with us just coming to visit them and they come to visit us? Why do we have to go to a strange, terrible city with bad food and hotels to hang out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

No thanks. With strict rules like that, I'm just not going. I'm not going on vacation and spending my precious annual leave to have to bend over backwards to make the trip enjoyable for others. I'm sick of people telling women that they need to care for others, think of others and it's not about your vacation.

[Anonymous]

#2 and #7 and #9 I agree with, but since are doing it for the children, what if MIL takes the other grandkids out, and leaves your children behind, and the kids know it? So blatantly hurtful - I am not bringing my kids on vacation to be blatantly excluded. Also, what about SILs (plural) sneaking out and leaving their children? Every. Single. Year. Except when you want to go get lunch with your husband - GASP! How dare you? And what if I am the only one doing dishes for about 20 (!!!) people? Why bother?

So many questions.

[Anonymous]

We invite them on our fabulous vacations but they won't come

Learning to say, "no" would be very adult of you.

no more ranting then. no more resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

No thanks. With strict rules like that, I'm just not going. I'm not going on vacation and spending my precious annual leave to have to bend over backwards to make the trip enjoyable for others. I'm sick of people telling women that they need to care for others, think of others and it's not about your vacation.

I think they are good rules that protect all involved. They include rights AND responsibilities. What it sounds like here is that many of us know that we can't count on our relatives living up to their side of the deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

No thanks. With strict rules like that, I'm just not going. I'm not going on vacation and spending my precious annual leave to have to bend over backwards to make the trip enjoyable for others. I'm sick of people telling women that they need to care for others, think of others and it's not about your vacation.

I think they are good rules that protect all involved. They include rights AND responsibilities. What it sounds like here is that many of us know that we can't count on our relatives living up to their side of the deal.

x10000

Like we are supposed to worship them. Puuuulease. I will stay home in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want? In my 20s I really wanted to travel and only had 2 weeks vacation. Why go to a beach with my family when I could see them just on a random weekend and not need to use annual leave? I wanted to go overseas or South America on vacations. I’m in my 30s now. I don’t remember my grandparents forcing everyone on a vacation. What’s wrong with just Christmas or thanksgiving?

Agree! We lived local to all of our family, saw them regularly, were fairly close, and never vacationed together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do the vacations always revolve around what the older parents want? In my 20s I really wanted to travel and only had 2 weeks vacation. Why go to a beach with my family when I could see them just on a random weekend and not need to use annual leave? I wanted to go overseas or South America on vacations. I’m in my 30s now. I don’t remember my grandparents forcing everyone on a vacation. What’s wrong with just Christmas or thanksgiving?

Agree! We lived local to all of our family, saw them regularly, were fairly close, and never vacationed together!

x10000

Just because you summon the minions to schlep 6+ (always longer than six hour trip, BTW, always) hours away every year, to a place you chose, crammed into to a house you have never been to, on a date that is not convenient for them and their growing families, so you can ignore most of your grandchildren (like you ignored your children), that involves crossing a highway to get to a beach, with nothing but terrible food within driving distance, and a week full of chores involving about 15 peoples' filth and dishes, on limited vacation time.......where do I even start? My God, you don't even talk to each other while you are there, and people are constantly slipping out, not telling people where they are going. That's messed up. Thank you PP, well said. If you want to see us, we live down the street! We are not here so you can brag to your "friends" about your idea of "vacation" - it is not a vacation for us, in any sense of the word. Makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

PP here. MIL also likes to say who "didn't show up" for vacation - except that list is getting longer, so MIL will probably be very selective about who she mentions. LOL.