s/o Why so much delusion by parents of adult kids around "big happy family get togethers"

[Anonymous]

My MIL actually does this really successfully every year. Her advantage might be that all her children and their spouses grew up poor. We don’t feel stressed about sharing bedrooms and bathrooms. The biggest issues are around food, but we solve those by several different people cooking and the kids just eat whatever they want.

[Anonymous]

My parents do this with me and my cousins. Growing up my cousins lived in another country and my mother refused to visit or make any effort to have me have a relationship with my family. Now that I am an adult and these people are virtual strangers to me she thinks they should be my best friends. It’s very awkward for me when she tries to host huge family get together a and I have nothing in common with them, particularly since they grew up in a different culture and have different values and we have no memories together as children (which I think is important).

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the family, OP. I am very close to my mom and dad and to my sisters and brothers-in-law. I love spending time with them. DH and I have five adult children. Two of them are married. They are all very close. All five will be here over the Fourth of July. They planned it that way so that they could spend time together. It will be crazy! But life is always crazy when you have a large family.

Some families are just really close. My DH and I are equally as close with his side of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP is trying to say this doesn’t work for anyone. She is just saying that it’s a bad idea to force it on families where it clearly isn’t going to work. Therefore, there is no need to prove that it does work for some families.

Yep. This is OP and I can confirm this exactly what I meant!
For families that have that magical combo of personalities... they should absolutely keep doing the huge whole family gatherings. For everyone else... give yourself permission to do different types of family gatherings, with smaller subsets of people. Can still see everyone the same number of times, just broken up into difference visits, with the added bonus of people actually having fun and not being miserable!

[Anonymous]

I've been to some that were great and others where we and other family members could not wait to get out of there. The best ones have been situations where it is not expected that everyone is together morning, noon and night, nuclear families have their own accommodations and the group is large enough that people can split off and its not a big deal.

The worst have been when we are all trapped together with a control freak relative that is intent on orchestrating her mental image of how every minute should go.

[Anonymous]

It is difficult when one side has no children the same ages, only certain children the same ages - then the other children feel left out. They absolutely do notice, regardless of what some selfish ILs may say! When the other side has all children about the same age, AND the first generation grew up close, on top of that, then there is not reason NOT to participate. But the first situation? When that side is insular? No. No thanks. Don't waste our precious and limited vacation time.

[Anonymous]

Who actually thinks it will work? My husbands family does it because there is one single brother and they all worry about him being alone. So hey plan a family vacation, try to act like it is not miserable and then talk about how fun it is. This lasts a few years and then it falls apart. Then in a year or two, someone will suggest it again. Repeat.

The true irony is the single brother probably hates it the most.

[Anonymous]

My husband's sister always wanted us to get together for a big family vacation.
For us, the issue was that SIL and her family had a LOT more money than we did. She envisioned us all going to Costa Rica, Patagonia, Thailand, etc.--her exact words were "the world's our oyster!"

In the meantime Dh was active duty military and we had 4 kids, our vacation budget was more along the lines of "anywhere we can drive in less than 2 days and pitch a tent."

[Anonymous]

They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

NP, thanks, these are good tips. I'm going on my first of these sorts of trips in August, pushed for by my MIL who is lovely but has a very strong idea/dream of "everyone together" and it's a whole week, eek! Her 2nd husband is hard to describe, but unpleasant to be around for more than an hour. I've been thinking about asking DCUM for some basic tips.

It might turn out to be great, but two things that bother me are 1) my DH's vacation time is limited so we are giving up what would have been our nuclear family summer vacation in order to do this and 2) my MIL loathes my FIL and I think there's a bit of "we're all here as a family *that doesn't include* FIL" gloating under the surface. Like she gets jealous when her kids do events with their father; in the meantime, this is a much more longer and more concentrated event than anything their father has ever invited his kids to. I do love her though and feel lucky she is my MIL. Hopefully it will go smoother than posts here on DCUM about these kinds of situations have led me to imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We enjoy vacations with one side of the extended family.
The other side doesn’t travel or vacation much - nor like to spend their money. So even going out to dinner or a day trip w admission tix with them sux. It’s like a big game of pretending to be ignorant when the bill or tip comes. Or when we check into our two bed hotel room with our two kids and they stand there pretending one bed is for them. And forget about ever getting a thank you for paying.

OH HELL NO.

UNREAL. I would march down to the front desk and have the front desk tell them that 6 people aren't allowed in one room.

That is beyond tacky. How bad is the communication between your spouse and his parents? Or is he playing both sides and telling you one thing and then quite another?

[Anonymous]

Them

[Anonymous]

Totally agree. My sister isn't interested in a relationship with me. No big fight, no disagreements, she just lives in another state and isn't interested.

We see my parents separately to my sister and it works really well. When she visits they go out with my parents by themselves and my parents go on holidays to see them.

Why put up with so many drama's by forcing people together that don't get along. Unless of course some people thrive on drama and maybe this is why this happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

NP, thanks, these are good tips. I'm going on my first of these sorts of trips in August, pushed for by my MIL who is lovely but has a very strong idea/dream of "everyone together" and it's a whole week, eek! Her 2nd husband is hard to describe, but unpleasant to be around for more than an hour. I've been thinking about asking DCUM for some basic tips.

It might turn out to be great, but two things that bother me are [/b]1) my DH's vacation time is limited so we are giving up what would have been our nuclear family summer vacation in order to do this [b]and 2) my MIL loathes my FIL and I think there's a bit of "we're all here as a family *that doesn't include* FIL" gloating under the surface. Like she gets jealous when her kids do events with their father; in the meantime, this is a much more longer and more concentrated event than anything their father has ever invited his kids to. I do love her though and feel lucky she is my MIL. Hopefully it will go smoother than posts here on DCUM about these kinds of situations have led me to imagine.

See #6 above - take some initiative now to plan some activities in the area they you and your family do alone. Let your MIL know in advance that you plan to be out on whatever days for whatever times or let her know that there a few things you all want to do while there and are there any days days you should avoid. I wouldn’t give to many details (to avoid others coming along) and I would not return from your time away just before meal time. Either arrive early enough to help or have your meal out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

None of that even sounds remotely fun. I don't understand why people go to vacation homes? I can't imagine sitting in a beach house, cooking and cleaning- can't you just do that at home (minus the beach)?

We vacation with my parents but we mostly go to big cities, national parks or do touristy things. I'm an only child though and everything is focused around my baby and toddler. We're together the entire time, but have separate hotel rooms. It's really enjoyable.

With inlaws we're the only ones who have kids and everything is tailored to DH's younger siblings and MIL/FIL. Kids melt down all over the place and typically hate the trips. DH's siblings can't imagine waking up at 9am for breakfast but are upset when we eat before them. Everything is just hard, particularly on me. I'm the one pushing the stroller around with sleeping kids during nap times while everyone else eats or does fun things.