s/o Why so much delusion by parents of adult kids around "big happy family get togethers"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the forced family time. I was just talking to a friend who was complaining her sister would not commit to vacation with them and their parents every year for a week. My friend just couldn't grasp the concept that maybe someone had other things they wanted to do with their time and money. Thankfully I'm an only child so this is not an issue in my family and DH's family is not into the whole big family vacation. We see his siblings every year or 2 and everyone seems fine with that. Its not that they don't get along its just that everyone lives in different parts of the country and has different aged kids and basically has their own life going on.

x10000

Nailed it. Plus, having IL who can't get along to go along is kind of a problem. It is all about them.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

[Anonymous]

DH is one of 4 kids. They talk to each other maybe 3-4 times a year.

[Anonymous]

It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is one of 4 kids. They talk to each other maybe 3-4 times a year.

Similar situation. H hasn't seen 2 of his siblings in over 10 years. 1 he sees 3-4x per year and one other 1-2x per year, always brief. They do not do holidays, birthdays, reunions, vacations, get togethers none of it. They aren't tight or DH isn't tight with them. The last time they were all in the same room was at the funeral when their aunt died over 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

+1

This, times a billion. Maybe Mil/Fil should have worked on the closeness when they were young. DH can’t stand his family, and I can’t change that. No one was there for him growing up, they are entirely selfish and self centered, and will live and die that way. At least PP above is trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

Kudos to you for trying, but even bigger kudos to you for realizing is wasn’t working, and adjusting. You now are close to all of your kids and grandkids, have great visits with them separately, versus “I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation.”

[Anonymous]

Some families are actually happy with the get togethers. We do a Christmas time get together and a summer beach week and we don't have any drama. Young cousins play together. It's all good. It's the way families have been for eons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some families are actually happy with the get togethers. We do a Christmas time get together and a summer beach week and we don't have any drama. Young cousins play together. It's all good. It's the way families have been for eons.

I believe there are many families who actually get along. There are also families where you walk in the room, and you can feel the tension with a knife. At holidays, everyone is chomping at the bit for the first one to leave, so they too can grab their coats and dash. I don't think people here are talking about the warm, welcoming, inclusive and fun families. I think people here are talking about the families with anxiety and depression and more, who don't own their shit, who are at each other in a passive aggressive manner. I mean if you take the valuable vacation time, schlep all that way, and barely engage, WTF is the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

Kudos to you for trying, but even bigger kudos to you for realizing is wasn’t working, and adjusting. You now are close to all of your kids and grandkids, have great visits with them separately, versus “I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation.”

+1

I too, come from a family that made the effort and was truly always there for each other - not just when someone wanted something, or when the grandparents felt like it (what a shitty attitude). We spent time together regularly, and it made all the difference. Our grandparents had tons of grandkids, yet carved out time almost every week for each of them. That is special time - not cramming as many people as possible into a big, stinky rental that no one wants to be at. Who wants to spend their precious vacation time 6+ hours away, with someone who lives down the street but barely bothers?

It is obvious when the grandkids come first, and when the grandparents come first. It also matters how you treat the ones who married in- (example) if you jump for the men who married in, but try to treat the women who married in like crap - no one is buying into your misogynistic week from hell. Your attitude and entitlement sucks, and your renting a "beach house" is no vacation -- it becomes a selfish act from you, not a selfless act, in any way. I can't see inviting people then acting like a a-hole, frankly.

Ha! No matter how many details I give, MIL would never see herself in it. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families are actually happy with the get togethers. We do a Christmas time get together and a summer beach week and we don't have any drama. Young cousins play together. It's all good. It's the way families have been for eons.

I believe there are many families who actually get along. There are also families where you walk in the room, and you can feel the tension with a knife. At holidays, everyone is chomping at the bit for the first one to leave, so they too can grab their coats and dash. I don't think people here are talking about the warm, welcoming, inclusive and fun families. I think people here are talking about the families with anxiety and depression and more, who don't own their shit, who are at each other in a passive aggressive manner. I mean if you take the valuable vacation time, schlep all that way, and barely engage, WTF is the point?

To add: if the grandkids are the same age, it works, if some grandkids are left out (and know it!), what is the point? That behavior is just hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth that big families are loving and tight.

Some are, and some aren't ..just like smaller families. I come from a large family. We can drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day, we do enjoy being with each other as do all the grandchildren. It can be hectic to all be together, and everyone knows you just have to be flexible. The folks who have married into the family struggled a bit in the beginning, but now jump right in. I think they took cues from the family..just can't sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

And this issue is why the advice to imagine your future life when deciding whether to have a big family is BS. You can't control your future adult children, and having some dreamy fantasy life in mind the whole time you raise them really does everyone a disservice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suggesting that mom/grandma invited only one of her kids and her/his family for Thanksgiving? Can you imagine the drama this would create? Even if uninvited adult child really didn't want to go?

What drama?
See adult kid #1+their family at Thanksgiving
See adult kid #2+their family at Christmas
Alternate the holidays every year.
See? Easy. Even do-able with more siblings, just pick different holidays, or maybe don’t get fixated on having to be together on a holiday.

Again, I’m not saying this is the way it must be done, but if it’s been clearly demonstrated that having everyone at the same time is not working, then it’s better for everyone, yes EVERYONE to break things up into smaller groups.

Do you have children? I have a hard time imagining a parent writing this and not feeling slightly sad at the prospect your children can't manage to all be together once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am that mother/grandmother/mother in law who wishes a family get together would would work. I have accepted that it does not work. We used to pay for family vacations for three married children, spouses, and grandchildren. Everyone had separate condos in a lovely resort, plane tickets for all, all meals paid for and activities. When they all came to our home for holidays, we gave them an amazing time.
We just got sick and tired of adult siblings complaining to us about each other doing something minor or complaining about a niece or nephew. There are several grandchildren.
We just stopped doing vacations. No big discussion, we just did not offer any more. As fas holidays, we are always home for those times. If anyone wants to come, please do! No invites extended. If one sibling and family wants to stay home this year, it is fine. If another sibling and family wants to come, fine with us. We buy same amount of presents for everyone and mail those to ones who do not come so they can have them at their home.
I tried so hard to make it work. We never interfere! I felt so sad that siblings just did not really enjoy each other. I had a knot in my stomach the whole vacation because I could feel their tension with each other for whatever reason.
Amen! I let siblings manage their own relationships. Do I feel sad that they are not closer? Yes, I do, quite sad. We are close to all children and grandchildren. Talk to all adult children daily or weekly, visit separately. It works so much better than big family vacations. No big fight or discussion, just the realization that it was not fun for all. It is what it is! I am sure when they are my age, they will understand why i wanted it to be a wonderful experience for all.

Man, I feel sad for you too and my kids are very young. How much do your kids talk to each other? I do really hope my adult children get along. I love my siblings and my husband loves his as well. I am one of 3 and he is one of 4, and I do sort of feel that one extra sibling+spouse makes it extremely hard for EVERYONE to be together. It's a large group and small children make it hectic. I hope the love is there in your family and things settle out with the kids and they all show up at your house for a holiday soon.