s/o Why so much delusion by parents of adult kids around "big happy family get togethers"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We enjoy vacations with one side of the extended family.
The other side doesn’t travel or vacation much - nor like to spend their money. So even going out to dinner or a day trip w admission tix with them sux. It’s like a big game of pretending to be ignorant when the bill or tip comes. Or when we check into our two bed hotel room with our two kids and they stand there pretending one bed is for them. And forget about ever getting a thank you for paying.

OH HELL NO.

UNREAL. I would march down to the front desk and have the front desk tell them that 6 people aren't allowed in one room.

That is beyond tacky. How bad is the communication between your spouse and his parents? Or is he playing both sides and telling you one thing and then quite another?

Why do you let them accompany you to the room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
We enjoy vacations with one side of the extended family.
The other side doesn’t travel or vacation much - nor like to spend their money. So even going out to dinner or a day trip w admission tix with them sux. It’s like a big game of pretending to be ignorant when the bill or tip comes. Or when we check into our two bed hotel room with our two kids and they stand there pretending one bed is for them. And forget about ever getting a thank you for paying.


OH HELL NO.


UNREAL. I would march down to the front desk and have the front desk tell them that 6 people aren't allowed in one room.


That is beyond tacky. How bad is the communication between your spouse and his parents? Or is he playing both sides and telling you one thing and then quite another?

This is something that my aunt or MIL would do. We do not travel with either of them because they are so cheap. They are both sitting on tons of money and could certainly pay for their own room or dinner but they ALWAYS insist on just bringing a sleeping bag and sharing someone's dinner. MIL is always not very hungry and wants to just share a little of whatever someone else is ordering. This isn't too bad because she and I like the same type of things and I usually don't finish the large portions that they serve in restaurants either but it drives DH crazy because he does not want to share his food. Aunt is worse because she eats A LOT and will eat all of your food. She also makes snide comments when we order off the adult menu for our kids who are teenagers. She goes on and on about how we should be ordering off the kids menu. She will start pushing this as we go into the restaurant by asking the waiter for kids menus and telling him that the kids are under 10. Kids are 13 and 15, several inches taller than everyone except DH and could probably eat two adult entrees. I have to correct her every time to ask the waiter for adult menus for them..

[Anonymous]

Are you suggesting that mom/grandma invited only one of her kids and her/his family for Thanksgiving? Can you imagine the drama this would create? Even if uninvited adult child really didn't want to go?

[Anonymous]

^^Invites

[Anonymous]

That's just the way parents are - they like to see all their family at once, and they like to think that their kids get along.

I can fake it once every couple of years for 48 hours - it's worth it to make my parents happy.

[Anonymous]

I have tried so hard, in part because I knew how much it meant to my parents, and because I wanted my kids to know their cousins. But my brother is such a sh!t. We limit it to a few days once a year now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

None of that even sounds remotely fun. I don't understand why people go to vacation homes? I can't imagine sitting in a beach house, cooking and cleaning- can't you just do that at home (minus the beach)?

We vacation with my parents but we mostly go to big cities, national parks or do touristy things. I'm an only child though and everything is focused around my baby and toddler. We're together the entire time, but have separate hotel rooms. It's really enjoyable.

With inlaws we're the only ones who have kids and everything is tailored to DH's younger siblings and MIL/FIL. Kids melt down all over the place and typically hate the trips. DH's siblings can't imagine waking up at 9am for breakfast but are upset when we eat before them. Everything is just hard, particularly on me. I'm the one pushing the stroller around with sleeping kids during nap times while everyone else eats or does fun things.

So, this is why it doesn’t work for you, because it’s not all about you and your needs (in this case as your needs relate to your children) see Rule #2 above and rule #6. See how simple this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you suggesting that mom/grandma invited only one of her kids and her/his family for Thanksgiving? Can you imagine the drama this would create? Even if uninvited adult child really didn't want to go?

What drama?
See adult kid #1+their family at Thanksgiving
See adult kid #2+their family at Christmas
Alternate the holidays every year.
See? Easy. Even do-able with more siblings, just pick different holidays, or maybe don’t get fixated on having to be together on a holiday.

Again, I’m not saying this is the way it must be done, but if it’s been clearly demonstrated that having everyone at the same time is not working, then it’s better for everyone, yes EVERYONE to break things up into smaller groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suggesting that mom/grandma invited only one of her kids and her/his family for Thanksgiving? Can you imagine the drama this would create? Even if uninvited adult child really didn't want to go?

What drama?
See adult kid #1+their family at Thanksgiving
See adult kid #2+their family at Christmas
Alternate the holidays every year.
See? Easy. Even do-able with more siblings, just pick different holidays, or maybe don’t get fixated on having to be together on a holiday.

Again, I’m not saying this is the way it must be done, but if it’s been clearly demonstrated that having everyone at the same time is not working, then it’s better for everyone, yes EVERYONE to break things up into smaller groups.

I think you are assuming that people who don't get along will suddenly be reasonable and accept such a "reasonable" scenario? If they were that reasonable, why would any gathering be a cause for fights? Plus, you are putting a lot on parents/grandparents, pitting them against their own kids. These same kids and ILS that hate each other. "How come Larla gets Christmas, she and her kids get the presents, and we get the turkey. Why does mom hate me?"

[Anonymous]

I can do this for 3 days max--that is it. I agree OP, older parents can plan separate vacays. I really can't stand when the siblings say it's for the kids. If it's really for the kids, then make an effort to get together with siblings WITHOUT the whole gang. elderly parents aren't going to be around forever, so you need to develop adult sibling relationships that are not dependent upon parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They would go just fine if everyone who attends did the following:
1) make your own accommodations -or accept whatever you get
2) it's not about you, you are doing this for your parents and children not for yourself - deal with it for a few days
3) three days max
4) if you and/or your children have dietary needs, it's your responsibility to ensure they are met
5) no pets - as in guests do not get to bring pets
6)it's ok for you and others to not partake in every activity
7) feel free to quietly slip away and take time to yourself but do not leave your children for others to care for
8) it's not your house, your rules - whatever they may be-do not apply
9) your not on vacation, get up and help

That's just the basics but it goes a long way

None of that even sounds remotely fun. I don't understand why people go to vacation homes? I can't imagine sitting in a beach house, cooking and cleaning- can't you just do that at home (minus the beach)?

We vacation with my parents but we mostly go to big cities, national parks or do touristy things. I'm an only child though and everything is focused around my baby and toddler. We're together the entire time, but have separate hotel rooms. It's really enjoyable.

With inlaws we're the only ones who have kids and everything is tailored to DH's younger siblings and MIL/FIL. Kids melt down all over the place and typically hate the trips. DH's siblings can't imagine waking up at 9am for breakfast but are upset when we eat before them. Everything is just hard, particularly on me. I'm the one pushing the stroller around with sleeping kids during nap times while everyone else eats or does fun things.

So, this is why it doesn’t work for you, because it’s not all about you and your needs (in this case as your needs relate to your children) see Rule #2 above and rule #6. See how simple this is.

Different poster here. In my situation, we don't like going with the IL's because basically, they act like only on set of grandchildren exist. It is the same children that belong to the needy SIL, so the pattern is established already. When other grandchildren came into the picture, they and their few basic needs were essentially ignored, and after a number fo years of this, now the majority of the grandchildren see what is happening. It is hurtful behavior, and they have a better time with both the other side of the family (including cousins their own age), and their own nuclear family. Besides, vacation time is very limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's just the way parents are - they like to see all their family at once, and they like to think that their kids get along.

I can fake it once every couple of years for 48 hours - it's worth it to make my parents happy.

48 hours, max is fine - it is the vacations from hell that are any longer than 48 hours.

[Anonymous]

What i HATE is that DH sister lives on the other coast. She and her 3 kids and DH come to visit 1-3 times per year (some years not at all).
We never know more than a week or 2 in advance she is visiting and we are EXPECTED and it is DEMANDED we make the 3 hour drive to spend time with her (inlaws live 3 hours away).
Doesn't matter if it is Xmas and we planned to stay home, or a weekend birthday party for a friend. If SIL comes, we must go.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the forced family time. I was just talking to a friend who was complaining her sister would not commit to vacation with them and their parents every year for a week. My friend just couldn't grasp the concept that maybe someone had other things they wanted to do with their time and money. Thankfully I'm an only child so this is not an issue in my family and DH's family is not into the whole big family vacation. We see his siblings every year or 2 and everyone seems fine with that. Its not that they don't get along its just that everyone lives in different parts of the country and has different aged kids and basically has their own life going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's sister always wanted us to get together for a big family vacation.
For us, the issue was that SIL and her family had a LOT more money than we did. She envisioned us all going to Costa Rica, Patagonia, Thailand, etc.--her exact words were "the world's our oyster!"

In the meantime Dh was active duty military and we had 4 kids, our vacation budget was more along the lines of "anywhere we can drive in less than 2 days and pitch a tent."

That’s ridiculous. Surely she understands you are working with a limited income?