Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

She can't leave for two week due to land disputes? Is she afraid her cousins will move in while she is away and she won't get them out? Sounds like they have a highly-functional legal system there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages of how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

Op here. He thinks I'm being dramatic which is why I started this post in the first place. Dh grew up this way so he will never get it or he does get some of it but he's saving face. Leaving early would be out of the question for him due to what his family would think. I wanted to stay in a hotel for a few days and he said we would see but once here he said no and I'm sure it's because of what his family will think.

I don't understand the land disputes or why another family can't look over the properties. Dh entire dad's side of the family lives on the same block. His uncle built a septic tank on their property. They live next door so maybe his mom is concerned her brother might do something else. I try so hard to understand the cultural differences but there are so many. I have cultural difference fatigue. Dh's family is amazing. They are all so humble and sweet. If his family didn't like me I don't think I could stay with DH. As for the mosque building, I think he got pressured to do that.

[Anonymous]

Op here. One cute thing I heard is a phrase they use here sometimes. It's something about if Allah wills it this plane will land and we will all eat fish and rice. I think they probably change it depending on the situation. Some Bengali people eat fish every day and they mainly get it from rivers. During the rainy season, I was told that poor people like it because they can catch fish from their houses since they build their houses on stilts.

In my husband's city, they built the main road that connects to the toll road so high due to flooding but they don't have
guardrails. So if your car goes over you're most likely dead. It's pretty far up. The driver was trying to drive on the shoulder yesterday and I asked him to stop doing that. First I asked Dh to speak to him but Dh told me it was "normal". Our two kids weren't with us and the seat belts here don't feel as tight. It was so frustrating but I'm glad I spoke up. I have to be more observant here because Dh doesn't seem to care. In the US he's paranoid about safety and stuff I don't worry about. In some ways, I understand him more coming here but in other ways, he doesn't seem Bangali.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages of how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

Op here. He thinks I'm being dramatic which is why I started this post in the first place. Dh grew up this way so he will never get it or he does get some of it but he's saving face. Leaving early would be out of the question for him due to what his family would think. I wanted to stay in a hotel for a few days and he said we would see but once here he said no and I'm sure it's because of what his family will think.

I don't understand the land disputes or why another family can't look over the properties. Dh entire dad's side of the family lives on the same block. His uncle built a septic tank on their property. They live next door so maybe his mom is concerned her brother might do something else. I try so hard to understand the cultural differences but there are so many. I have cultural difference fatigue. Dh's family is amazing. They are all so humble and sweet. If his family didn't like me I don't think I could stay with DH. As for the mosque building, I think he got pressured to do that.

OP, you quoted my post mentioning that you haven’t said what you’re going to do about your husband when you get home. He apparently doesn’t care about the health and wellbeing of you and your children which is a big deal. Now you say he not only doesn’t care but thinks you’re being dramatic about it. Are you being dramatic about it or are you experiencing real problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages of how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

Op here. He thinks I'm being dramatic which is why I started this post in the first place. Dh grew up this way so he will never get it or he does get some of it but he's saving face. Leaving early would be out of the question for him due to what his family would think. I wanted to stay in a hotel for a few days and he said we would see but once here he said no and I'm sure it's because of what his family will think.

I don't understand the land disputes or why another family can't look over the properties. Dh entire dad's side of the family lives on the same block. His uncle built a septic tank on their property. They live next door so maybe his mom is concerned her brother might do something else. I try so hard to understand the cultural differences but there are so many. I have cultural difference fatigue. Dh's family is amazing. They are all so humble and sweet. If his family didn't like me I don't think I could stay with DH. As for the mosque building, I think he got pressured to do that.

OP, you quoted my post mentioning that you haven’t said what you’re going to do about your husband when you get home. He apparently doesn’t care about the health and wellbeing of you and your children which is a big deal. Now you say he not only doesn’t care but thinks you’re being dramatic about it. Are you being dramatic about it or are you experiencing real problems?

Op here. It depends on who you ask. An American would say no but a Bengali would maybe say yes because this is the way they live. Dhaka is the second most populated city. Coughing is probably not a big deal for them. Everything about their culture is different. The driving style would be considered really dangerous in the US and illegal but here it's normal. I rarely see people washing their hands with soap and by American standards that's not typical, especially before preparing food. There are a million things I could list but it's exhausting. Our young child pointed out that his cousins and other people didn't wash their hands after using the bathroom. I no longer factor in what Dh thinks. We are uncomfortable and that's all that should matter. There isn't a wrong or right to feel when it comes to cultural differences. I am trying my best to be respectful and I haven't shared all of my thoughts because I know he will get offended.

[Anonymous]

Op sorry that is a really challenging situation.

I think that if it were me I’d treat the trip almost like a spiritual retreat for our whole family, where we have the opportunity to make do with the absolute minimum, to get by with less, to eat less, and to challenge ourselves to develop appreciation for the life we have in the states.

I also think that this trip is a priceless gift to your children that you (and they) may not fully appreciate until many years later when they are older and grown adults.

When I was young, we spent a few summers in my parents country of origin, and we lived in similar conditions. First, as kids, we adjusted to the vastly different standard of living pretty quickly. Second, the family relationships and connections we made while there with our cousins were unlike any other. Third, I really think it offered me a broader perspective and ability to appreciate the modern comforts and conveniences we enjoy at home.

I mean I still kind of hated how we had to bathe by mixing the cold and boiling hot water to bathe and I hated using an outhouse especially late at night, and relying on only fans to keep us cool in the peak heat of the summer. There was one family we stayed with for a while who did not have toilet paper in their outhouse. They used scrap pieces of paper from the kids school notebooks, which when you fold and rub together for a minute, eventually softens into something that feels like a paper towel.

It’s so easy to take things like running water and toilet paper for granted.

But it gave me a lifetime of ability to have perspective and feel grateful for what we have. And indelible memories that have stayed with me for a lifetime.

That said, I think it is much harder to go as an adult as we become set in our ways and I can acknowledge how hard of an adjustment it must be for you. Sending virtual support to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can't leave for two week due to land disputes? Is she afraid her cousins will move in while she is away and she won't get them out? Sounds like they have a highly-functional legal system there.

That's true in much of the world. Squatter's Rights. Becoming more popular in the US too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op sorry that is a really challenging situation.

I think that if it were me I’d treat the trip almost like a spiritual retreat for our whole family, where we have the opportunity to make do with the absolute minimum, to get by with less, to eat less, and to challenge ourselves to develop appreciation for the life we have in the states.

I also think that this trip is a priceless gift to your children that you (and they) may not fully appreciate until many years later when they are older and grown adults.

When I was young, we spent a few summers in my parents country of origin, and we lived in similar conditions. First, as kids, we adjusted to the vastly different standard of living pretty quickly. Second, the family relationships and connections we made while there with our cousins were unlike any other. Third, I really think it offered me a broader perspective and ability to appreciate the modern comforts and conveniences we enjoy at home.

I mean I still kind of hated how we had to bathe by mixing the cold and boiling hot water to bathe and I hated using an outhouse especially late at night, and relying on only fans to keep us cool in the peak heat of the summer. There was one family we stayed with for a while who did not have toilet paper in their outhouse. They used scrap pieces of paper from the kids school notebooks, which when you fold and rub together for a minute, eventually softens into something that feels like a paper towel.

It’s so easy to take things like running water and toilet paper for granted.

But it gave me a lifetime of ability to have perspective and feel grateful for what we have. And indelible memories that have stayed with me for a lifetime.

That said, I think it is much harder to go as an adult as we become set in our ways and I can acknowledge how hard of an adjustment it must be for you. Sending virtual support to you.

Op here. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. My kids are having a blast and they say they want to live here forever. Everyone spoils them with sweets and there is always someone around for them to play with. The hardest part is the dangerous driving style. I think a lot of Americans would refuse to take their kids here based on that alone. It's very common here to cut in front of other cars on one-way roads. Sometimes there aren't any lanes and I am looking at a huge bus coming straight toward us. In Dhaka, the cars can't go very fast due to constant traffic but on the 2-3 hour trip to my husband's city, it's very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages of how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

Op here. He thinks I'm being dramatic which is why I started this post in the first place. Dh grew up this way so he will never get it or he does get some of it but he's saving face. Leaving early would be out of the question for him due to what his family would think. I wanted to stay in a hotel for a few days and he said we would see but once here he said no and I'm sure it's because of what his family will think.

I don't understand the land disputes or why another family can't look over the properties. Dh entire dad's side of the family lives on the same block. His uncle built a septic tank on their property. They live next door so maybe his mom is concerned her brother might do something else. I try so hard to understand the cultural differences but there are so many. I have cultural difference fatigue. Dh's family is amazing. They are all so humble and sweet. If his family didn't like me I don't think I could stay with DH. As for the mosque building, I think he got pressured to do that.

OP, you quoted my post mentioning that you haven’t said what you’re going to do about your husband when you get home. He apparently doesn’t care about the health and wellbeing of you and your children which is a big deal. Now you say he not only doesn’t care but thinks you’re being dramatic about it. Are you being dramatic about it or are you experiencing real problems?

Op here. It depends on who you ask. An American would say no but a Bengali would maybe say yes because this is the way they live. Dhaka is the second most populated city. Coughing is probably not a big deal for them. Everything about their culture is different. The driving style would be considered really dangerous in the US and illegal but here it's normal. I rarely see people washing their hands with soap and by American standards that's not typical, especially before preparing food. There are a million things I could list but it's exhausting. Our young child pointed out that his cousins and other people didn't wash their hands after using the bathroom. I no longer factor in what Dh thinks. We are uncomfortable and that's all that should matter. There isn't a wrong or right to feel when it comes to cultural differences. I am trying my best to be respectful and I haven't shared all of my thoughts because I know he will get offended.

Is the coughing a big deal to you? And you’re right, all that should matter is that you are uncomfortable and your husband doesn’t care. Will you be staying with a husband who cares so much more about his family than you?

[Anonymous]

Oh please. You’re not factoring in anything not doing anything. And you’re supposedly in the middle of nowhere for 4 weeks after winter break? No one works. No one goes to a real school. Just write poetry on dcum every couple days. Rile up the SE Asians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

In another thread she talked about how he threatened to divorce her if she didn’t go on one of the trips to Bangladesh. OP just likes to complain. She’s not going to anything about anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.

OP has described over 55 pages how little her husband cares about them. But now that she knows what he’s really like, doesn’t explain what she’s going to do about it when she gets home. I guarantee if my husband dragged my kid somewhere and then didn’t care about the kid coughing or eating we’d be having a very tough conversation when we got home.

In another thread she talked about how he threatened to divorce her if she didn’t go on one of the trips to Bangladesh. OP just likes to complain. She’s not going to anything about anything.

I know. I called her out on that too and she conveniently ignored.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t read 55 pages worth. Bottom line is it all sounds like a nightmare. Lesson learned… don’t go back