Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. today we went for pizza, and dh wanted a 12-inch pizza for around 8 people... It's around $2 in US money per pizza.. I insisted we get at least 4 because we were hungry. I feel he's trying too hard not to appear excessive with spending, maybe with his family. I don't know... in the US we order extra large pizzas all the time.. most of his family didn't like pizza the last time we were here.. they all did eat at least a slice since we got so many today

He is smart. DH’s family reports back on his spending so he always gets asked for money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's guess the country.
Strange that they had money to come to wedding, but wouldn't use it to have running water.
My family never came and they won't. Over the years they put in a shower in their historic home, new boiler, washing machine, new roof, windows. I left them my car and of course they have internet.
Improvements are not an option or different priorities?

Her DH probably paid for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

I was born and raised in India. Although I have lived here for the vast majority of my life (35+ years), when I go back, I still bathe with a bucket and a mug. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. My DD, especially when she was young, actually enjoyed playing in water that way. You can 100% get clean this way.

If you share where in the world you are, I bet people will have suggestions for what you can do to make this more pleasant. In general though, you may have to cook food. There are no parts of the world where you are going to get sick from eating hot foods, especially prepared at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

UTIs are a legitimate concern with this practice. Are there hotels??

What? You get UTIs from bathing using a bucket?

[Anonymous]

I'd be booking it to a hotel even if it's 3 hours away or leaving. sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's guess the country.
Strangely, they had money to come to the the wedding but wouldn't use it to have running water.
My family never came and they won't. Over the years they put in a shower in their historic home, new boiler, washing machine, new roof, windows. I left them my car and of course they have internet.
Improvements are not an option or different priorities?

OP here. I don't think it's a priority... they grew up this way and I don't think there is a way to mix the water so it's warm like in the US. They have a water boiler, but the water comes out extremely hot, and then there is a cold water faucet as well. In the bathroom, the cold and hot water faucets are separated. During our last visit, they didn't have a water heater in the bathroom.. it's basically like having a tea kettle in the bathroom.. it helps, but you still have to use a bucket to wash yourself... I bought a camping portable shower this time, and it helps, but it's a lot of water to set it up....... my back hurts by the time I get it all set up. we have two kids so I need to do this for 3 people. i know eating chicken nuggets isn't healthy but its easier for the kids because they can't eat the local food here.. it's too spicy. Buying raw meat here is more complicated and hygenie is also a concern ... you have to clean and prepare all the seasonings.. they don't have an oven.. I am going to go to sleep now... vent over.. dh's family is very nice so at least I am blessed with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

I was born and raised in India. Although I have lived here for the vast majority of my life (35+ years), when I go back, I still bathe with a bucket and a mug. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. My DD, especially when she was young, actually enjoyed playing in water that way. You can 100% get clean this way.

If you share where in the world you are, I bet people will have suggestions for what you can do to make this more pleasant. In general though, you may have to cook food. There are no parts of the world where you are going to get sick from eating hot foods, especially prepared at home.

Yeah, this isn't relevant. You were born there. You're essentially like her DH. For most people 99 percent it would be a pretty big deal to do that for a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you did zero research before going??

This is on you or you are a troll

She grew up in the US.. most Americans have no idea there are still countries without warm shower water.
Her husband should have informed her about this. That's really sh*** of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

I was born and raised in India. Although I have lived here for the vast majority of my life (35+ years), when I go back, I still bathe with a bucket and a mug. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. My DD, especially when she was young, actually enjoyed playing in water that way. You can 100% get clean this way.

If you share where in the world you are, I bet people will have suggestions for what you can do to make this more pleasant. In general though, you may have to cook food. There are no parts of the world where you are going to get sick from eating hot foods, especially prepared at home.

Yeah, this isn't relevant. You were born there. You're essentially like her DH. For most people 99 percent it would be a pretty big deal to do that for a month.

Then maybe I should tell you about my white SIL who was born and raised in NJ and has no problems doing the same. She changes into local clothes the moment she gets there, takes rickshaws to get around (by herself! without knowing the language!), and knows the town better than I do at this point, because she goes out and explores. Hell, OP can conscript a family member or neighbors, especially teenagers, if her husband is not willing to take her out.

The purpose of a bath is to get clean. It doesn't make a big difference, whether the water comes out of a shower, or out of a bucket. Pour water, soap yourself, rinse off, and you're done. It's even easier with little kids. They can play in the water, and you can let them stand in the bucket and play. BTDT with my DD who was born and raised here, and has no problems adjusting when we go there for a month at a time.

There is so much helplessness here that is unnecessary. If DH is being an a$$hole, dump him, and find someone else to help out when you're there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you did zero research before going??

This is on you or you are a troll

She grew up in the US.. most Americans have no idea there are still countries without warm shower water.
Her husband should have informed her about this. That's really sh*** of him.

It doesn't sound like their first time there, so she did know???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be booking it to a hotel even if it's 3 hours away or leaving. sorry, OP.

+1

Did DH tell you that the stay was basically camping? I would not be upset if I was warned before I packed/departed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

[Anonymous]

That does sound really rough, OP. You can bring it up to your husband but he probably won’t change because he doesn’t want his family to think he’s changed or feels he’s above his origins or is raising his kids to look down on how he was raised.

Can you work on learning the language? Ask your in-laws to teach you how to cook their way? I wouldn’t worry too much about the kids’ hygiene tbh; kids usually love the horrifying (to adults) aspects of camping and won’t care if they take a weird shower once a week. Are there public baths? When I’ve visited places where bathing with a bucket was common, the public bathhouses were usually so much nicer than home options.

Failing all that, can you organize if so future trips are mostly you DH bringing the kids (maybe one at a time each time he visits) while you stay home? Then DH and his family get special bonding time with each child and you don’t have to deal with roughing it for a month at a time. As the kids get older this will make travel a bit easier and plausible excuses for why one of them can’t come (and you have to stay home) more realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

So you've been before? I would go home. Your husband is an utter AH.
I've been to India and had to be insanely careful with food and water in pretty luxurious accommodations. Still got "delhi belly" and one person on the trip ended up inpatient on IV from illness. It's very serious for our systems which are simply not accustomed. Not enough food or warmth is ridiculous for kids. I would be on the warpath for my kids.

Also, completely understand that you just can't "go out". Anyone suggesting that is a native or obtuse. It's just not that easy. Go home. Get your kids, a credit card and get someone's help to call a driver to the airport right now.

[Anonymous]

You’ve posted before. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, but next time just join DH for a week.