Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Bengal is more like East Asia--pretty safe for women even at night. It's not like North India.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Bengal is more like East Asia--pretty safe for women even at night. It's not like North India.

Why the variance? It can't be the religion. What gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Bengal is more like East Asia--pretty safe for women even at night. It's not like North India.

Why the variance? It can't be the religion. What gives?

Just like in Europe--because the cultures are different. That's one of the reasons there are different states in India, and different countries in south and southeast Asia. The cultures and languages are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

I was born and raised in India. Although I have lived here for the vast majority of my life (35+ years), when I go back, I still bathe with a bucket and a mug. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. My DD, especially when she was young, actually enjoyed playing in water that way. You can 100% get clean this way.

If you share where in the world you are, I bet people will have suggestions for what you can do to make this more pleasant. In general though, you may have to cook food. There are no parts of the world where you are going to get sick from eating hot foods, especially prepared at home.

Yeah, this isn't relevant. You were born there. You're essentially like her DH. For most people 99 percent it would be a pretty big deal to do that for a month.

Then maybe I should tell you about my white SIL who was born and raised in NJ and has no problems doing the same. She changes into local clothes the moment she gets there, takes rickshaws to get around (by herself! without knowing the language!), and knows the town better than I do at this point, because she goes out and explores. Hell, OP can conscript a family member or neighbors, especially teenagers, if her husband is not willing to take her out.

The purpose of a bath is to get clean. It doesn't make a big difference, whether the water comes out of a shower, or out of a bucket. Pour water, soap yourself, rinse off, and you're done. It's even easier with little kids. They can play in the water, and you can let them stand in the bucket and play. BTDT with my DD who was born and raised here, and has no problems adjusting when we go there for a month at a time.

There is so much helplessness here that is unnecessary. If DH is being an a$$hole, dump him, and find someone else to help out when you're there.

That is such BS. Indian women are not safe alone, forget about foreign ones. Violence against women, especially sexual violence, increased 87% in the last decade. 35% of all Indian women are abused at least once in their lifetime. Stop with this fantasy about white women exploring cities alone.

Oh FFS! Indian women aren't all sitting at home, worried about being raped. Especially during the day, they're fine, going out alone. More caution is warranted at night, but traveling with someone tends to considerably lessen risks. I am not saying there is no sexual harassment (ogling, catcalling, getting handsy), but it tends to be opportunistic, and often directed at younger women. One of the consequences of globalization is that white people are no longer the curiosities they used to be, especially in urban areas.

The increased reporting of sexual violence is due to it being not as stigmatized as it used to be. But keep in mind that as in the US, the number of reported cases are substantially lower than the actuals. The way victims of sexual violence are treated, is still quite primitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Bengal is more like East Asia--pretty safe for women even at night. It's not like North India.

Why the variance? It can't be the religion. What gives?

India is not a very homogenous country. There is so much cultural variance from state to state, they may as well be different countries. There are also considerable variances among education rates and economic conditions, both of which have correlations to sexual violence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

[Anonymous]

This thread has made me so grateful for my husband. His family is from Switzerland and I am counting my blessings that our children will never have to live through what you put your kids through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has made me so grateful for my husband. His family is from Switzerland and I am counting my blessings that our children will never have to live through what you put your kids through.

Op here. Haha, why is Switzerland always stereotyped as the best country to be from? I've traveled to Switzerland and it was nice but I'm sure there are better options. The Scandinavian countries seem better.

[Anonymous]

I think op is making up some stuff. She said her DH family came to wedding but later says they have never been outside of Bangladesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has made me so grateful for my husband. His family is from Switzerland and I am counting my blessings that our children will never have to live through what you put your kids through.

Sounds like your kids are very sheltered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think op is making up some stuff. She said her DH family came to wedding but later said they had never been outside of Bangladesh.

Some of his family I.e. 2 people. Dh has 100+ family members. Almost all of them except 2 people have never left Bangladesh. Culturally that's very normal. Most Bengalis don't stay in hotels. They aren't taking beach vacations for a week or visiting Disney World. It's very unlikely his mom will travel to the US as she's very attached to their property and they have a lot of land disputes. He has said a million times she's going to visit but I don't believe it. Today the car almost fell into a deep ditch and we would have been dead. I feel that on each trip I'm risking my life. Driving here is so unsafe. There aren't traffic lights anywhere. Traffic police are the traffic lights in Dhaka but in the smaller cities, you figure it out yourself. I'll be leaving with a huge blister on my feet and at least 5 huge mosquito bites 😆

[Anonymous]

[list]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think op is making up some stuff. She said her DH family came to wedding but later said they had never been outside of Bangladesh.

Some of his family I.e. 2 people. Dh has 100+ family members. Almost all of them except 2 people have never left Bangladesh. Culturally that's very normal. Most Bengalis don't stay in hotels. They aren't taking beach vacations for a week or visiting Disney World. It's very unlikely his mom will travel to the US as she's very attached to their property and they have a lot of land disputes. He has said a million times she's going to visit but I don't believe it. Today the car almost fell into a deep ditch and we would have been dead. I feel that on each trip I'm risking my life. Driving here is so unsafe. There aren't traffic lights anywhere. Traffic police are the traffic lights in Dhaka but in the smaller cities, you figure it out yourself. I'll be leaving with a huge blister on my feet and at least 5 huge mosquito bites 😆

What are the land disputes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has made me so grateful for my husband. His family is from Switzerland and I am counting my blessings that our children will never have to live through what you put your kids through.

Same. He's just a normal American guy but he would never give huge amounts of money for a religious building (!!) when our kids have needs we should put first. He'd never have us be uncomfortable or sick or hungry or dirty or just plain miserable for a month. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

It's not related to overpopulation. Where women are allowed to go to mosques, they are still required to be separate from men. Often, the accommodations for the women are inferior to the ones for men. It has something to do with the interpretation of the religious texts, and how Islam is practiced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something

Op here. Easier said than done. Our son has asthma and he hasn't stopped coughing since we landed. The kids have also not been eating well and dh doesn't seem to mind because he's used to the food here. Every time a visitor comes to visit from his family I notice he gives a big stack of money. I think DH is stressed because of the amount of money we are expected to give here. If he can give everyone cash we should be able to buy clothing. I work FT. At first, I went along with it but then I decided to go shopping. I bought clothing for the kids and gold earrings for several people in my family. Dh is the type of person who thinks I should give all the extra money to the poor even though we don't have our house paid off yet. I do that sometimes but I also like to save money and buy nice things for myself and my kids. Dh is too extreme. He's also spending a lot of money to build a mosque in Bangladesh. They have tons of mosques here and Saudi Arabia just donated one in his city. Women aren't allowed to go to the mosques here. I think that's more of a South Asian thing due to overpopulation but I still find it absurd. They could find a way for women to be involved if they cared about making things fair.

This profligate spending would break up my marriage.