Anonymous wrote:An alcoholic having a secret affair with a bartender. He isn't a very creative thinker, is he?
Been there, OP--and have posted here previously. OW in our situation was not a bartender. But rehab was an essential element of rebuilding.
This is a little harsh, but worth considering IMO.
OP, I truly hope you can repair your marriage and be happy together. But I also think you should prepare yourself for some shocks. To me, your husband seems to be having a mid-life crisis/meandering through life. The secret drinking, the affair with someone who really isn't all that special and has a screw loose, you never fight, you've only been with each other since late teens.
I hope it all works out, but it feels like there may be bigger things going on with him.
100%. I’m the PP. Husband has a trauma history a mile long. OP, if he isn’t prepared to go deep in his own individual therapy, don’t spend your valuable time in life on attempting to redeem this.
Yes, I think one of the most interesting things about all of these posts is that OP has known this guy forever and is deeply embedded with his family of origin. And yet, there seems to be no clue what kind of trauma created all this secrecy and shame. It either means that whatever is going on is deeply, deeply hidden or there is a lot of ignoring red flags.
Honestly, the only thing I can think of is that he has always had some level of self esteem issues and maybe it's greater or runs much deeper than I ever knew? He was consistently bullied in middle school for several years for being short and chubby by a group of 4 mean girls.
All I can say is if there is alcohol or any type of unhealthy coping mechanism like that it is never as simple as it looks on the surface. There are always issues that run deep, usually inter generational.
I’ve known my DH since we were teens. We didn’t date until later but I always thought he and his family were picture perfect. My DH was always a big drinker in high school and beyond. I never thought much of it beyond when I considered to be typical binge drinking behavior (in my circles it was very common).
Anyway… fast forward many many years past engagement and marriage and as I slowly mature myself and I discover that there family is completely conflict avoidant and downplays any potential emotional expression beyond niceties. No wonder I thought their family was picture perfect. They were way to perfect. It turns out DH’s dad had a secret child and whole affair for decades. Their mom dealt with it with silence, and that’s how the kids were raised… in silence when anything was troubling. For years I thought my DH just drank because it felt good etc… no, he drank because he never learned how to feel his feelings, express them, process them (he is sober now).. Not for the good stuff and certainly not for the tricky stuff. To this day this is how their family operates. They still look picture perfect and outside of their family no one who knows this secret or how deep the emotional avoidance runs. My perspective on my in laws had shifted so so much over the last 20+ years. I still love them but it is true what people say - when it looks perfect it is even more messed up.
My point is that the real issues always run deep. The symptom is the drinking, the affair etc… the real stuff is way down under, from child hood or earlier experiences, and almost always involves inter generational issues.
My stomach dropped when I read the bolded about conflict avoidance. I am the PP that said this looks like a mid-life crisis/meandering. And when someone brought up trauma I was thinking, there doesn't have to be trauma - he could have never learned to deal with strong emotions if the absolute priority was to be "nice,' which it a million percent was in my family. There weren't any secret children or anything like that, but there was also never ANY conflict. And guess who the secret drinker was/stuffer or emotions is in my marriage?
That IS trauma. When bad things happen and you are expected to behave like everything is fine, your only real escape route is dissociation. And that is the kind of skill (and it is a skill--a highly protective one) that a guy like this has in spades. It is how he is able to do what he's been doing while simultaneously maintaining the fiction that everything is great. Psychopaths can do it because they don't care. OP's husband is not a psychopath; he is dissociated, to some extent, from his own actions.
Not OP but I'm really curious about this. What sort of disassociation might one resort to, aside from living two separate lives in your head (and in real life, I guess)?
DP - the dissociation PP is incorrect. People employ defense mechanisms to deal with uncomfortable feelings/events they can’t fully tolerate. Dissociation is one of those defense mechanisms but it’s one of the more extreme ones. OP’s husband sounds like he’s using compartmentalization, denial, likely others, but there are more escape routes than dissociation.
I don't want to derail the thread, but do want to note that this is an unhelpfully rigid way to think about what dissociation is and how it works. Dissociation is a normal feature of the human brain and we all do it all the time. Whenever you drive from A to B without a clear memory of every point along the way, it's because you were dissociated to some extent, even while driving quite sanely and safely (in fact, this is the only way to drive sanely and safely--if your mind were actively forming memories of everything on the route it would not be doing the other things it needs to do in order to safely drive a car).
Compartmentalization, denial, and dissociation from one's own actions, feelings, and self-concept are on a spectrum with one another. Dissociation in this sense is more severe, in that it involves not just avoidance or rejection of unpleasant realities but walling off of episodic memory (sometimes the wall is porous; sometimes it's almost impenetrable).
Alcohol consumption, at the level OP's husband has been at, hastens that along, and it's very common for people with trauma histories to use alcohol abusively because dissociation is an escape mechanism from otherwise very painful realities.
OP's husband may not be diagnosable with a dissociative *disorder*, but he had to separate himself to some extent from his identity as a "good husband" and "good father" in order to do what he did. This is different from not giving a damn about being a good husband or a good father in the first place. We don't know where on that spectrum he is--that is something for his therapist to work out. He needs one.
PP you’re responding to: in the future, you should provide more explanation, if more succinctly, when you reference dissociation. You can’t claim that dissociation is “the only real escape route” and leave it at that, because people who *don’t* understand that it’s on a spectrum (which is most of the world) will misinterpret it. I know full well it’s a spectrum, which is why I pointed out that there are other defense mechanisms that people use. Not to split hairs, but dissociation, compartmentalization, and denial aren’t typically considered on the same spectrum. Also, most therapists these days aren’t going to have much familiarity with those terms.
OP, I’m sorry about the severe trauma you’ve experienced - very glad you’ve had a steady therapist to help. Good luck tonight; I hope it goes well!
What you can't help take away from all of this is how mentally unhealthy people in affairs are and that the APs think these are the 'love of their lives' is just ludicrous when you read the back stories on these people. They really have zero clue. They think the hour or so they spend with them is representative of them. And, of course, they just need the right woman in their life
Anonymous wrote:An alcoholic having a secret affair with a bartender. He isn't a very creative thinker, is he?
Been there, OP--and have posted here previously. OW in our situation was not a bartender. But rehab was an essential element of rebuilding.
This is a little harsh, but worth considering IMO.
OP, I truly hope you can repair your marriage and be happy together. But I also think you should prepare yourself for some shocks. To me, your husband seems to be having a mid-life crisis/meandering through life. The secret drinking, the affair with someone who really isn't all that special and has a screw loose, you never fight, you've only been with each other since late teens.
I hope it all works out, but it feels like there may be bigger things going on with him.
100%. I’m the PP. Husband has a trauma history a mile long. OP, if he isn’t prepared to go deep in his own individual therapy, don’t spend your valuable time in life on attempting to redeem this.
Yes, I think one of the most interesting things about all of these posts is that OP has known this guy forever and is deeply embedded with his family of origin. And yet, there seems to be no clue what kind of trauma created all this secrecy and shame. It either means that whatever is going on is deeply, deeply hidden or there is a lot of ignoring red flags.
Honestly, the only thing I can think of is that he has always had some level of self esteem issues and maybe it's greater or runs much deeper than I ever knew? He was consistently bullied in middle school for several years for being short and chubby by a group of 4 mean girls.
All I can say is if there is alcohol or any type of unhealthy coping mechanism like that it is never as simple as it looks on the surface. There are always issues that run deep, usually inter generational.
I’ve known my DH since we were teens. We didn’t date until later but I always thought he and his family were picture perfect. My DH was always a big drinker in high school and beyond. I never thought much of it beyond when I considered to be typical binge drinking behavior (in my circles it was very common).
Anyway… fast forward many many years past engagement and marriage and as I slowly mature myself and I discover that there family is completely conflict avoidant and downplays any potential emotional expression beyond niceties. No wonder I thought their family was picture perfect. They were way to perfect. It turns out DH’s dad had a secret child and whole affair for decades. Their mom dealt with it with silence, and that’s how the kids were raised… in silence when anything was troubling. For years I thought my DH just drank because it felt good etc… no, he drank because he never learned how to feel his feelings, express them, process them (he is sober now).. Not for the good stuff and certainly not for the tricky stuff. To this day this is how their family operates. They still look picture perfect and outside of their family no one who knows this secret or how deep the emotional avoidance runs. My perspective on my in laws had shifted so so much over the last 20+ years. I still love them but it is true what people say - when it looks perfect it is even more messed up.
My point is that the real issues always run deep. The symptom is the drinking, the affair etc… the real stuff is way down under, from child hood or earlier experiences, and almost always involves inter generational issues.
My stomach dropped when I read the bolded about conflict avoidance. I am the PP that said this looks like a mid-life crisis/meandering. And when someone brought up trauma I was thinking, there doesn't have to be trauma - he could have never learned to deal with strong emotions if the absolute priority was to be "nice,' which it a million percent was in my family. There weren't any secret children or anything like that, but there was also never ANY conflict. And guess who the secret drinker was/stuffer or emotions is in my marriage?
That IS trauma. When bad things happen and you are expected to behave like everything is fine, your only real escape route is dissociation. And that is the kind of skill (and it is a skill--a highly protective one) that a guy like this has in spades. It is how he is able to do what he's been doing while simultaneously maintaining the fiction that everything is great. Psychopaths can do it because they don't care. OP's husband is not a psychopath; he is dissociated, to some extent, from his own actions.
Not OP but I'm really curious about this. What sort of disassociation might one resort to, aside from living two separate lives in your head (and in real life, I guess)?
DP - the dissociation PP is incorrect. People employ defense mechanisms to deal with uncomfortable feelings/events they can’t fully tolerate. Dissociation is one of those defense mechanisms but it’s one of the more extreme ones. OP’s husband sounds like he’s using compartmentalization, denial, likely others, but there are more escape routes than dissociation.
I don't want to derail the thread, but do want to note that this is an unhelpfully rigid way to think about what dissociation is and how it works. Dissociation is a normal feature of the human brain and we all do it all the time. Whenever you drive from A to B without a clear memory of every point along the way, it's because you were dissociated to some extent, even while driving quite sanely and safely (in fact, this is the only way to drive sanely and safely--if your mind were actively forming memories of everything on the route it would not be doing the other things it needs to do in order to safely drive a car).
Compartmentalization, denial, and dissociation from one's own actions, feelings, and self-concept are on a spectrum with one another. Dissociation in this sense is more severe, in that it involves not just avoidance or rejection of unpleasant realities but walling off of episodic memory (sometimes the wall is porous; sometimes it's almost impenetrable).
Alcohol consumption, at the level OP's husband has been at, hastens that along, and it's very common for people with trauma histories to use alcohol abusively because dissociation is an escape mechanism from otherwise very painful realities.
OP's husband may not be diagnosable with a dissociative *disorder*, but he had to separate himself to some extent from his identity as a "good husband" and "good father" in order to do what he did. This is different from not giving a damn about being a good husband or a good father in the first place. We don't know where on that spectrum he is--that is something for his therapist to work out. He needs one.
PP you’re responding to: in the future, you should provide more explanation, if more succinctly, when you reference dissociation. You can’t claim that dissociation is “the only real escape route” and leave it at that, because people who *don’t* understand that it’s on a spectrum (which is most of the world) will misinterpret it. I know full well it’s a spectrum, which is why I pointed out that there are other defense mechanisms that people use. Not to split hairs, but dissociation, compartmentalization, and denial aren’t typically considered on the same spectrum. Also, most therapists these days aren’t going to have much familiarity with those terms.
OP, I’m sorry about the severe trauma you’ve experienced - very glad you’ve had a steady therapist to help. Good luck tonight; I hope it goes well!
I don’t think a debate about who has expressed what correctly would serve OP. I agree that finding a therapist who is particularly well-versed in dissociation arising from trauma, if that’s what OP’s husband turns out to be experiencing, will be a challenge.
Anonymous wrote:^ a lot of people that say they will never end up like their parents, end up repeating the same exact sins in midlife. It’s traumatic for them when they realize it.
Traumatic for them AND they are passing their trauma on. I will never forget the moment in marriage counseling when the therapist turned to my husband (who was cheating, abusing alcohol, and seriously symptomatic in other ways—the reason I had not left him was because it was pretty clear he would die very fast if I did so) and said “You are on a cusp here. You are turning from being the person with the trauma to being the person inflicting the trauma.”
OP, I am so sorry all of this is happening to you. You can get through it, you will get through it—it’s just going to suck extremely hard in the meantime. Sending only good thoughts your way.
Oof. How did he react?
He knew that it was true and felt a lot of shame about it—but shame for someone who had experienced the things he had is toxic. He was way too far in crisis to immediately course-correct in the way you might picture. Things played out, he went to rehab, and we started again from there.
Anonymous wrote:An alcoholic having a secret affair with a bartender. He isn't a very creative thinker, is he?
Been there, OP--and have posted here previously. OW in our situation was not a bartender. But rehab was an essential element of rebuilding.
This is a little harsh, but worth considering IMO.
OP, I truly hope you can repair your marriage and be happy together. But I also think you should prepare yourself for some shocks. To me, your husband seems to be having a mid-life crisis/meandering through life. The secret drinking, the affair with someone who really isn't all that special and has a screw loose, you never fight, you've only been with each other since late teens.
I hope it all works out, but it feels like there may be bigger things going on with him.
100%. I’m the PP. Husband has a trauma history a mile long. OP, if he isn’t prepared to go deep in his own individual therapy, don’t spend your valuable time in life on attempting to redeem this.
Yes, I think one of the most interesting things about all of these posts is that OP has known this guy forever and is deeply embedded with his family of origin. And yet, there seems to be no clue what kind of trauma created all this secrecy and shame. It either means that whatever is going on is deeply, deeply hidden or there is a lot of ignoring red flags.
Honestly, the only thing I can think of is that he has always had some level of self esteem issues and maybe it's greater or runs much deeper than I ever knew? He was consistently bullied in middle school for several years for being short and chubby by a group of 4 mean girls.
All I can say is if there is alcohol or any type of unhealthy coping mechanism like that it is never as simple as it looks on the surface. There are always issues that run deep, usually inter generational.
I’ve known my DH since we were teens. We didn’t date until later but I always thought he and his family were picture perfect. My DH was always a big drinker in high school and beyond. I never thought much of it beyond when I considered to be typical binge drinking behavior (in my circles it was very common).
Anyway… fast forward many many years past engagement and marriage and as I slowly mature myself and I discover that there family is completely conflict avoidant and downplays any potential emotional expression beyond niceties. No wonder I thought their family was picture perfect. They were way to perfect. It turns out DH’s dad had a secret child and whole affair for decades. Their mom dealt with it with silence, and that’s how the kids were raised… in silence when anything was troubling. For years I thought my DH just drank because it felt good etc… no, he drank because he never learned how to feel his feelings, express them, process them (he is sober now).. Not for the good stuff and certainly not for the tricky stuff. To this day this is how their family operates. They still look picture perfect and outside of their family no one who knows this secret or how deep the emotional avoidance runs. My perspective on my in laws had shifted so so much over the last 20+ years. I still love them but it is true what people say - when it looks perfect it is even more messed up.
My point is that the real issues always run deep. The symptom is the drinking, the affair etc… the real stuff is way down under, from child hood or earlier experiences, and almost always involves inter generational issues.
My stomach dropped when I read the bolded about conflict avoidance. I am the PP that said this looks like a mid-life crisis/meandering. And when someone brought up trauma I was thinking, there doesn't have to be trauma - he could have never learned to deal with strong emotions if the absolute priority was to be "nice,' which it a million percent was in my family. There weren't any secret children or anything like that, but there was also never ANY conflict. And guess who the secret drinker was/stuffer or emotions is in my marriage?
That IS trauma. When bad things happen and you are expected to behave like everything is fine, your only real escape route is dissociation. And that is the kind of skill (and it is a skill--a highly protective one) that a guy like this has in spades. It is how he is able to do what he's been doing while simultaneously maintaining the fiction that everything is great. Psychopaths can do it because they don't care. OP's husband is not a psychopath; he is dissociated, to some extent, from his own actions.
Not OP but I'm really curious about this. What sort of disassociation might one resort to, aside from living two separate lives in your head (and in real life, I guess)?
DP - the dissociation PP is incorrect. People employ defense mechanisms to deal with uncomfortable feelings/events they can’t fully tolerate. Dissociation is one of those defense mechanisms but it’s one of the more extreme ones. OP’s husband sounds like he’s using compartmentalization, denial, likely others, but there are more escape routes than dissociation.
I don't want to derail the thread, but do want to note that this is an unhelpfully rigid way to think about what dissociation is and how it works. Dissociation is a normal feature of the human brain and we all do it all the time. Whenever you drive from A to B without a clear memory of every point along the way, it's because you were dissociated to some extent, even while driving quite sanely and safely (in fact, this is the only way to drive sanely and safely--if your mind were actively forming memories of everything on the route it would not be doing the other things it needs to do in order to safely drive a car).
Compartmentalization, denial, and dissociation from one's own actions, feelings, and self-concept are on a spectrum with one another. Dissociation in this sense is more severe, in that it involves not just avoidance or rejection of unpleasant realities but walling off of episodic memory (sometimes the wall is porous; sometimes it's almost impenetrable).
Alcohol consumption, at the level OP's husband has been at, hastens that along, and it's very common for people with trauma histories to use alcohol abusively because dissociation is an escape mechanism from otherwise very painful realities.
OP's husband may not be diagnosable with a dissociative *disorder*, but he had to separate himself to some extent from his identity as a "good husband" and "good father" in order to do what he did. This is different from not giving a damn about being a good husband or a good father in the first place. We don't know where on that spectrum he is--that is something for his therapist to work out. He needs one.
PP you’re responding to: in the future, you should provide more explanation, if more succinctly, when you reference dissociation. You can’t claim that dissociation is “the only real escape route” and leave it at that, because people who *don’t* understand that it’s on a spectrum (which is most of the world) will misinterpret it. I know full well it’s a spectrum, which is why I pointed out that there are other defense mechanisms that people use. Not to split hairs, but dissociation, compartmentalization, and denial aren’t typically considered on the same spectrum. Also, most therapists these days aren’t going to have much familiarity with those terms.
OP, I’m sorry about the severe trauma you’ve experienced - very glad you’ve had a steady therapist to help. Good luck tonight; I hope it goes well!
I don’t think a debate about who has expressed what correctly would serve OP. I agree that finding a therapist who is particularly well-versed in dissociation arising from trauma, if that’s what OP’s husband turns out to be experiencing, will be a challenge.
OP, how’d the party go?
It's tonight (starts at 7:30pm). I'm a nervous wreck my stomach is in knots.
Anonymous wrote:An alcoholic having a secret affair with a bartender. He isn't a very creative thinker, is he?
Been there, OP--and have posted here previously. OW in our situation was not a bartender. But rehab was an essential element of rebuilding.
This is a little harsh, but worth considering IMO.
OP, I truly hope you can repair your marriage and be happy together. But I also think you should prepare yourself for some shocks. To me, your husband seems to be having a mid-life crisis/meandering through life. The secret drinking, the affair with someone who really isn't all that special and has a screw loose, you never fight, you've only been with each other since late teens.
I hope it all works out, but it feels like there may be bigger things going on with him.
100%. I’m the PP. Husband has a trauma history a mile long. OP, if he isn’t prepared to go deep in his own individual therapy, don’t spend your valuable time in life on attempting to redeem this.
Yes, I think one of the most interesting things about all of these posts is that OP has known this guy forever and is deeply embedded with his family of origin. And yet, there seems to be no clue what kind of trauma created all this secrecy and shame. It either means that whatever is going on is deeply, deeply hidden or there is a lot of ignoring red flags.
Honestly, the only thing I can think of is that he has always had some level of self esteem issues and maybe it's greater or runs much deeper than I ever knew? He was consistently bullied in middle school for several years for being short and chubby by a group of 4 mean girls.
All I can say is if there is alcohol or any type of unhealthy coping mechanism like that it is never as simple as it looks on the surface. There are always issues that run deep, usually inter generational.
I’ve known my DH since we were teens. We didn’t date until later but I always thought he and his family were picture perfect. My DH was always a big drinker in high school and beyond. I never thought much of it beyond when I considered to be typical binge drinking behavior (in my circles it was very common).
Anyway… fast forward many many years past engagement and marriage and as I slowly mature myself and I discover that there family is completely conflict avoidant and downplays any potential emotional expression beyond niceties. No wonder I thought their family was picture perfect. They were way to perfect. It turns out DH’s dad had a secret child and whole affair for decades. Their mom dealt with it with silence, and that’s how the kids were raised… in silence when anything was troubling. For years I thought my DH just drank because it felt good etc… no, he drank because he never learned how to feel his feelings, express them, process them (he is sober now).. Not for the good stuff and certainly not for the tricky stuff. To this day this is how their family operates. They still look picture perfect and outside of their family no one who knows this secret or how deep the emotional avoidance runs. My perspective on my in laws had shifted so so much over the last 20+ years. I still love them but it is true what people say - when it looks perfect it is even more messed up.
My point is that the real issues always run deep. The symptom is the drinking, the affair etc… the real stuff is way down under, from child hood or earlier experiences, and almost always involves inter generational issues.
My stomach dropped when I read the bolded about conflict avoidance. I am the PP that said this looks like a mid-life crisis/meandering. And when someone brought up trauma I was thinking, there doesn't have to be trauma - he could have never learned to deal with strong emotions if the absolute priority was to be "nice,' which it a million percent was in my family. There weren't any secret children or anything like that, but there was also never ANY conflict. And guess who the secret drinker was/stuffer or emotions is in my marriage?
That IS trauma. When bad things happen and you are expected to behave like everything is fine, your only real escape route is dissociation. And that is the kind of skill (and it is a skill--a highly protective one) that a guy like this has in spades. It is how he is able to do what he's been doing while simultaneously maintaining the fiction that everything is great. Psychopaths can do it because they don't care. OP's husband is not a psychopath; he is dissociated, to some extent, from his own actions.
Not OP but I'm really curious about this. What sort of disassociation might one resort to, aside from living two separate lives in your head (and in real life, I guess)?
DP - the dissociation PP is incorrect. People employ defense mechanisms to deal with uncomfortable feelings/events they can’t fully tolerate. Dissociation is one of those defense mechanisms but it’s one of the more extreme ones. OP’s husband sounds like he’s using compartmentalization, denial, likely others, but there are more escape routes than dissociation.
I don't want to derail the thread, but do want to note that this is an unhelpfully rigid way to think about what dissociation is and how it works. Dissociation is a normal feature of the human brain and we all do it all the time. Whenever you drive from A to B without a clear memory of every point along the way, it's because you were dissociated to some extent, even while driving quite sanely and safely (in fact, this is the only way to drive sanely and safely--if your mind were actively forming memories of everything on the route it would not be doing the other things it needs to do in order to safely drive a car).
Compartmentalization, denial, and dissociation from one's own actions, feelings, and self-concept are on a spectrum with one another. Dissociation in this sense is more severe, in that it involves not just avoidance or rejection of unpleasant realities but walling off of episodic memory (sometimes the wall is porous; sometimes it's almost impenetrable).
Alcohol consumption, at the level OP's husband has been at, hastens that along, and it's very common for people with trauma histories to use alcohol abusively because dissociation is an escape mechanism from otherwise very painful realities.
OP's husband may not be diagnosable with a dissociative *disorder*, but he had to separate himself to some extent from his identity as a "good husband" and "good father" in order to do what he did. This is different from not giving a damn about being a good husband or a good father in the first place. We don't know where on that spectrum he is--that is something for his therapist to work out. He needs one.
PP you’re responding to: in the future, you should provide more explanation, if more succinctly, when you reference dissociation. You can’t claim that dissociation is “the only real escape route” and leave it at that, because people who *don’t* understand that it’s on a spectrum (which is most of the world) will misinterpret it. I know full well it’s a spectrum, which is why I pointed out that there are other defense mechanisms that people use. Not to split hairs, but dissociation, compartmentalization, and denial aren’t typically considered on the same spectrum. Also, most therapists these days aren’t going to have much familiarity with those terms.
OP, I’m sorry about the severe trauma you’ve experienced - very glad you’ve had a steady therapist to help. Good luck tonight; I hope it goes well!
I don’t think a debate about who has expressed what correctly would serve OP. I agree that finding a therapist who is particularly well-versed in dissociation arising from trauma, if that’s what OP’s husband turns out to be experiencing, will be a challenge.
OP, how’d the party go?
It's tonight (starts at 7:30pm). I'm a nervous wreck my stomach is in knots.
Does anything reliably help you settle in that situation? (For me a half a glass of wine will do it. Avoid if it’s not a wise choice for you, obvs.) Will be thinking of you—let us know how it goes if you feel able/want to.
It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.
Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.
Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.
Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.
Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.
THIS. If DH was able to allocate three years to his affair, OP can take three years to process it.
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