Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

I’m Bangladeshi American and would visit growing up and got so sad about the servants that I’d save any money I got and give it to the youngest ones. My mom said they’d likely run away and I was thought I hope they do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

That's great! Can you go out to the area the balcony overlooks or is it the same issue where it's no-go? I feel like the edge of a cricket field would be fantastic to watch life go by. And there's actual grass?

There is grass. Here are some pictures.

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Dh's family has been amazing. Every time a new family member visits they give me a gift. Usually, it's a dress, bed sheets, or gold jewelry! I have 20+ gifts. At SIL's her MIL gave me cash yesterday and it felt a little awkward but I didn't want to refuse because culturally I think that's considered rude. We had biryani yesterday and I noticed the helpers were eating at the same time and same table as and sister in laws MIL and FIL. Since there were so many people they had the guests eat first I.e. dh, me, our kids, and my MIL, and after we finished the others had their food. It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure hes is happy with the food before they eat.

How are you drawing conclusions based on the one family you are observing, like wildlife?

I am stating my observations. I don't recall saying all middle-class families in Bangladesh are like this. Someone else posted a picture of a Bangladeshi maid sitting beside her boss. If you have something else to contribute, then do it.

“It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure he is happy with the food before they eat.”

Op here. That's what I have been seeing at DH's house and my SIL's. Both of my SILs are this way with their husbands. They don't stand the entire time. They also both have babies they are caring for and seating is limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and would visit growing up and got so sad about the servants that I’d save any money I got and give it to the youngest ones. My mom said they’d likely run away and I thought I hope they would.

Op here that's what I was thinking I would do with the $50 I received as a gift. Dh's family only has one helper who washes the clothes and sweeps the floors. She's only here for an hour or two most days. She seems happy. She talks to me.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

I was born and raised in India. Although I have lived here for the vast majority of my life (35+ years), when I go back, I still bathe with a bucket and a mug. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. My DD, especially when she was young, actually enjoyed playing in water that way. You can 100% get clean this way.

If you share where in the world you are, I bet people will have suggestions for what you can do to make this more pleasant. In general though, you may have to cook food. There are no parts of the world where you are going to get sick from eating hot foods, especially prepared at home.

Yeah, this isn't relevant. You were born there. You're essentially like her DH. For most people 99 percent it would be a pretty big deal to do that for a month.

Then maybe I should tell you about my white SIL who was born and raised in NJ and has no problems doing the same. She changes into local clothes the moment she gets there, takes rickshaws to get around (by herself! without knowing the language!), and knows the town better than I do at this point, because she goes out and explores. Hell, OP can conscript a family member or neighbors, especially teenagers, if her husband is not willing to take her out.

The purpose of a bath is to get clean. It doesn't make a big difference, whether the water comes out of a shower, or out of a bucket. Pour water, soap yourself, rinse off, and you're done. It's even easier with little kids. They can play in the water, and you can let them stand in the bucket and play. BTDT with my DD who was born and raised here, and has no problems adjusting when we go there for a month at a time.

There is so much helplessness here that is unnecessary. If DH is being an a$$hole, dump him, and find someone else to help out when you're there.

That is such BS. Indian women are not safe alone, forget about foreign ones. Violence against women, especially sexual violence, increased 87% in the last decade. 35% of all Indian women are abused at least once in their lifetime. Stop with this fantasy about white women exploring cities alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and would visit growing up and got so sad about the servants that I’d save any money I got and give it to the youngest ones. My mom said they’d likely run away and I thought I hope they would.

Op here that's what I was thinking I would do with the $50 I received as a gift. Dh's family only has one helper who washes the clothes and sweeps the floors. She's only here for an hour or two most days. She seems happy. She talks to me.

How well do you speak the language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and would visit growing up and got so sad about the servants that I’d save any money I got and give it to the youngest ones. My mom said they’d likely run away and I was thought I hope they do.

This was so heartwarming to read. I'd like to imagine that I would do the same thing in your position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and would visit growing up and got so sad about the servants that I’d save any money I got and give it to the youngest ones. My mom said they’d likely run away and I thought I hope they would.

Op here that's what I was thinking I would do with the $50 I received as a gift. Dh's family only has one helper who washes the clothes and sweeps the floors. She's only here for an hour or two most days. She seems happy. She talks to me.

How well do you speak the language?

Not well but I can see her facial expressions. I have very rarely seen anyone frustrated or depressed looking here. In the US a lot of retail workers and restaurant workers look unhappy but I don't notice that here. Dh says they are happy to have a job and hold onto it for a long time here as it's hard to find employment. Also, SIL said one of the reasons they don't want a washer is because that will take away jobs from the women that come to hand wash.

[Anonymous]

OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Op here. Maybe it's different here. My SIL goes out at night. She's not walking down the road though. She's using auto and rickshaws to go to the grocery store or other shops. I asked her if she's been harassed by men and she said no but before she married some would flirt with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Jeez you are a nasty person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Jeez you are a nasty person.

She’s nasty and ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Op here. Maybe it's different here. My SIL goes out at night. She's not walking down the road though. She's using auto and rickshaws to go to the grocery store or other shops. I asked her if she's been harassed by men and she said no but before she married some would flirt with her.

Where does she go, if there's no nightlife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Op here. Maybe it's different here. My SIL goes out at night. She's not walking down the road though. She's using auto and rickshaws to go to the grocery store or other shops. I asked her if she's been harassed by men and she said no but before she married some would flirt with her.

Where does she go, if there's no nightlife?

Dcum of course! 60 posts here a day, Jeff pulled the stats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should absolutely go explore on your own! Go experience the rich and vibrant culture. You will be safe there since there is no gun violence!!

I hope you enjoy getting gang raped.

Op here. Maybe it's different here. My SIL goes out at night. She's not walking down the road though. She's using auto and rickshaws to go to the grocery store or other shops. I asked her if she's been harassed by men and she said no but before she married some would flirt with her.

Where does she go, if there's no nightlife?

She's referring to my SIL. I see many people out at night. They are having tea, buying vegetables, or eating snacks or food at restaurants. The nightlife here seems more lively but there aren't nightclubs. Not much of this is going on where we live in the US especially not on weeknights. I see women out by themselves here but maybe not so much at night. They are with another friend or family member. Due to overpopulation, there are always a lot of people out even at night.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for your husband. I didn’t read all 50 pages, but when visiting his family you should follow his lead. Let your children live the way his family does, and respect his intention not to show up with too many possessions. You can stand to be a little “bored” for a month. Focus on trying to learn the language or something