Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

That's great! Can you go out to the area the balcony overlooks or is it the same issue where it's no-go? I feel like the edge of a cricket field would be fantastic to watch life go by. And there' actual grass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you did zero research before going??

This is on you or you are a troll

She grew up in the US.. most Americans have no idea there are still countries without warm shower water.
Her husband should have informed her about this. That's really sh*** of him.

Cold showers are healthier for you. If you are in a tropical environment, then cold showers are not a big deal.

it sounds from OPs posts that they do have running water but instead of taking a cold shower she mixes boiled water and cold water in a.bucket.

Make your own food OP . There won't be food the kids are used to eating, like chicken nuggets, but you should be able to find something to make wherever you are. (rice or noodles, some legumes, protein).

OP here, Then why do many of these people buy water heaters for their bathrooms? DH's sister washed her hair in super hot water yesterday just because it was easier and faster, and she grew up here. I'm sure if given the opportunity to have a shower like we do in the US, they would opt for that most of the time.

Agree with this. If they spring for a water heater than a mixer shouldn't be so far behind, right? As in attainable?

Not really. It’s not a priority. My ILs have had hot water in the shower for decades, but we still do bucket baths. The water heaters are not like you’re imagining. They’re little cylinders that hold a few gallons of water and super heat them. The outlet is often direct, not to a faucet, because it’s retrofitted, and the walls there are solid unlike the walls here, so adding pipes and connections in the wall requires serious demo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

That's great! Can you go out to the area the balcony overlooks or is it the same issue where it's no-go? I feel like the edge of a cricket field would be fantastic to watch life go by. And there's actual grass?

There is grass. Here are some pictures.

https://ibb.co/xq6rQtD
https://ibb.co/52D1VZB
https://ibb.co/wW49Hb0
https://ibb.co/6X49BPg
https://ibb.co/wBPFR1T
https://ibb.co/2YfMLJR
https://ibb.co/QCwvdNj

Dh's family has been amazing. Every time a new family member visits they give me a gift. Usually, it's a dress, bed sheets, or gold jewelry! I have 20+ gifts. At SIL's her MIL gave me cash yesterday and it felt a little awkward but I didn't want to refuse because culturally I think that's considered rude. We had biryani yesterday and I noticed the helpers were eating at the same time and same table as and sister in laws MIL and FIL. Since there were so many people they had the guests eat first I.e. dh, me, our kids, and my MIL, and after we finished the others had their food. It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure hes is happy with the food before they eat.

[Anonymous]

That's really sweet op! I like the gifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

That's great! Can you go out to the area the balcony overlooks or is it the same issue where it's no-go? I feel like the edge of a cricket field would be fantastic to watch life go by. And there's actual grass?

There is grass. Here are some pictures.

https://ibb.co/xq6rQtD
https://ibb.co/52D1VZB
https://ibb.co/wW49Hb0
https://ibb.co/6X49BPg
https://ibb.co/wBPFR1T
https://ibb.co/2YfMLJR
https://ibb.co/QCwvdNj

Dh's family has been amazing. Every time a new family member visits they give me a gift. Usually, it's a dress, bed sheets, or gold jewelry! I have 20+ gifts. At SIL's her MIL gave me cash yesterday and it felt a little awkward but I didn't want to refuse because culturally I think that's considered rude. We had biryani yesterday and I noticed the helpers were eating at the same time and same table as and sister in laws MIL and FIL. Since there were so many people they had the guests eat first I.e. dh, me, our kids, and my MIL, and after we finished the others had their food. It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure hes is happy with the food before they eat.

How are you drawing conclusions based on the one family you are observing like wildlife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

That's great! Can you go out to the area the balcony overlooks or is it the same issue where it's no-go? I feel like the edge of a cricket field would be fantastic to watch life go by. And there's actual grass?

There is grass. Here are some pictures.

https://ibb.co/xq6rQtD
https://ibb.co/52D1VZB
https://ibb.co/wW49Hb0
https://ibb.co/6X49BPg
https://ibb.co/wBPFR1T
https://ibb.co/2YfMLJR
https://ibb.co/QCwvdNj

Dh's family has been amazing. Every time a new family member visits they give me a gift. Usually, it's a dress, bed sheets, or gold jewelry! I have 20+ gifts. At SIL's her MIL gave me cash yesterday and it felt a little awkward but I didn't want to refuse because culturally I think that's considered rude. We had biryani yesterday and I noticed the helpers were eating at the same time and same table as and sister in laws MIL and FIL. Since there were so many people they had the guests eat first I.e. dh, me, our kids, and my MIL, and after we finished the others had their food. It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure hes is happy with the food before they eat.

How are you drawing conclusions based on the one family you are observing, like wildlife?

I am stating my observations. I don't recall saying all middle-class families in Bangladesh are like this. Someone else posted a picture of a Bangladeshi maid sitting beside her boss. If you have something else to contribute, then do it.

[Anonymous]

I just took a bucket bath this morning in Delhi. Worked better than the shower and made less of a mess. Many showers here don't have a curtain or separate stall for the shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just took a bucket bath this morning in Delhi. Worked better than the shower and made less of a mess. Many showers here don't have a curtain or separate stall for the shower.

Op here. I bought a portable shower prior to the trip for about $6 and like using it, but I have to squat for the water to run over my head lol. It's a real treat for me. Delhi is just ahead of Dhaka in terms of air pollution. I started wearing a mask when we go out in an auto or rickshaw. My eyes are also sensitive, so wearing my eyeglasses here is best. The sun finally came out yesterday, and it's out again today. It was cloudy and lots of smog the first two weeks we have been here. It was hard to see things clearly. I will stay at SIL's house today because I have an important Zoom meeting for work, and the space is quieter there. If I stayed at SILs for the whole trip, I would be fine with bucket baths. They have a larger kitchen there, and the house is cleaner and more spacious. I won't do that obviously because DHs mom would be hurt. My SIL also told me she wanted to invite us to stay sooner but was scared of DH's reaction. She let me know DH has a history of having anger problems and said, "We, too, are scared of him." Shock: After she told me that, I let her know to speak to me about anything she's uncomfortable talking to him about, and I will approve it. I have realized here I have to be more demanding about going out because otherwise, DH will have us stay in all day. This isn't an issue in the US because I go out without DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's really sweet op! I like the gifts

It's sooo many gifts. I have (6) Shalwar Kameez, 3 gold earrings and they are real gold, a few saris, and a lot of bedding. Whenever family comes, they gift me something instead of DH. A new person comes every day, and usually, they stay one night and cosleep with MIL. I love the cosleeping culture here. My kids also love it and cosleep with my parents and my sister when they visit us. By the end of the trip, I think 100+ family members will have visited, probably more. I am starting to understand why SA weddings are so large.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's really sweet op! I like the gifts

It's sooo many gifts. I have (6) Shalwar Kameez, 3 gold earrings and they are real gold, a few saris, and a lot of bedding. Whenever family comes, they gift me something instead of DH. A new person comes every day, and usually, they stay one night and cosleep with MIL. I love the cosleeping culture here. My kids also love it and cosleep with my parents and my sister when they visit us. By the end of the trip, I think 100+ family members will have visited, probably more. I am starting to understand why SA weddings are so large.

Are you expected to give a gift to everyone back? As in, you are the "rich" visitors, right?
Also, tipping the help when you leave. That blew my mind. It's the people who hire the help who have to keep them happy and give them more money when there's more work. Not the guests who inadvertently create more work. That's just crazy. Are you gonna tip all the $7/month people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's really sweet op! I like the gifts

It's sooo many gifts. I have (6) Shalwar Kameez, 3 gold earrings and they are real gold, a few saris, and a lot of bedding. Whenever family comes, they gift me something instead of DH. A new person comes every day, and usually, they stay one night and cosleep with MIL. I love the cosleeping culture here. My kids also love it and cosleep with my parents and my sister when they visit us. By the end of the trip, I think 100+ family members will have visited, probably more. I am starting to understand why SA weddings are so large.

Are you expected to give a gift to everyone back? As in, you are the "rich" visitors, right?
Also, tipping the help when you leave. That blew my mind. It's the people who hire the help who have to keep them happy and give them more money when there's more work. Not the guests who inadvertently create more work. That's just crazy. Are you gonna tip all the $7/month people?

Op here. No, but we do give a lot of gifts. On the first trip, we gifted more. If we waited to buy gifts here it would be a lot cheaper. The common gift here seems to be a sari for older women. When we went to SIL's we gave a sari and Punjabi to her in-laws. If we were going to other people's houses instead of them visiting us here I think giving them a gift would be expected. We only went to SIL's so far. As far as tipping the helpers we are more than happy to do that. Dh already tipped $30 and he will probably give another $30. The housing for the poor here is very unfortunate, especially considering it floods in Bangladesh regularly. I'm not sure what type of flooring they have. Mat just be a thin rug on dirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

That's great! Can you go out to the area the balcony overlooks or is it the same issue where it's no-go? I feel like the edge of a cricket field would be fantastic to watch life go by. And there's actual grass?

There is grass. Here are some pictures.

https://ibb.co/xq6rQtD
https://ibb.co/52D1VZB
https://ibb.co/wW49Hb0
https://ibb.co/6X49BPg
https://ibb.co/wBPFR1T
https://ibb.co/2YfMLJR
https://ibb.co/QCwvdNj

Dh's family has been amazing. Every time a new family member visits they give me a gift. Usually, it's a dress, bed sheets, or gold jewelry! I have 20+ gifts. At SIL's her MIL gave me cash yesterday and it felt a little awkward but I didn't want to refuse because culturally I think that's considered rude. We had biryani yesterday and I noticed the helpers were eating at the same time and same table as and sister in laws MIL and FIL. Since there were so many people they had the guests eat first I.e. dh, me, our kids, and my MIL, and after we finished the others had their food. It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure hes is happy with the food before they eat.

Cool pics, esp the mosquito net bed. Do they have pets? Do the pets sleep under mosquito nets too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness Op and her spouse don’t put their kids in preschool or regular school. Now they can go visit grandma for Jan and Feb each year. Good stuff.

Op here. You're making trouble. Our kids are toddler and preschool age. We pay tuition when we are away and we don't do this trip every year. A lot of internationals take a month-long trip but they do it every 2-5 years. I stayed overnight at SIL's apartment and we had a blast. It's not dusty and has more space. I could definitely stay in an apartment like this for a month. I like that they have balconies because I feel less isolated. I think part of the problem is the feeling of being in a compound. DH's mom's house is also very small without enough seating options and a lot dustier. I'm so happy we came to SIL's. I also got a chance to meet another Bengali family. The kids have been watching a cricket match from the balcony.

That's great! Can you go out to the area the balcony overlooks or is it the same issue where it's no-go? I feel like the edge of a cricket field would be fantastic to watch life go by. And there's actual grass?

There is grass. Here are some pictures.

https://ibb.co/xq6rQtD
https://ibb.co/52D1VZB
https://ibb.co/wW49Hb0
https://ibb.co/6X49BPg
https://ibb.co/wBPFR1T
https://ibb.co/2YfMLJR
https://ibb.co/QCwvdNj

Dh's family has been amazing. Every time a new family member visits they give me a gift. Usually, it's a dress, bed sheets, or gold jewelry! I have 20+ gifts. At SIL's her MIL gave me cash yesterday and it felt a little awkward but I didn't want to refuse because culturally I think that's considered rude. We had biryani yesterday and I noticed the helpers were eating at the same time and same table as and sister in laws MIL and FIL. Since there were so many people they had the guests eat first I.e. dh, me, our kids, and my MIL, and after we finished the others had their food. It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure hes is happy with the food before they eat.

How are you drawing conclusions based on the one family you are observing, like wildlife?

I am stating my observations. I don't recall saying all middle-class families in Bangladesh are like this. Someone else posted a picture of a Bangladeshi maid sitting beside her boss. If you have something else to contribute, then do it.

“It also seems to be a custom that women stand close to their husband while he sits making sure hes is happy with the food before they eat.”