Best friend's husband is being ungrateful or are we wrong? WWYD?
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Anonymous
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or say?
Here's the story. My best friend and I have been close since college (so about 8 yrs), let's call her Anna. Anna and her DH (call him Mike) have always had money issues. They both work hard, but are underemployed. Anna didn't finish college (but is employed), and Mike did but he isn't using his degree because it isn't a super in demand field. Anyway, she has been telling me about their recent money issues as they have had to move in with family. Last month, their car died so I told her I would pay for the repair. Turns out the repair is $$$ and the car needs other work so I told her I could just get her a pre owned car instead for a little more than the price of the repairs. So last night, they invited my fiance and I over for dinner. Mike was kind of standoffish all evening and eventually erupts into "Oh it must so nice to be rich and be able to throw money around" when Anna told me that she really enjoys driving the new car. I said "you know it's not like that Mike... We aren't rich but we do try to help our good friends out when we can". Meanwhile Anna is mad at him for being rude. My fiance retorts to Mike that "this isn't the first time we have helped out, it's just the first you're hearing about it". Mike continues hurling insults at us and my fiance is saying we should leave. On the way home he said we shouldn't help them again because they are ungrateful. Anna called me today but I missed the call. She left a long message apologizing and saying to call her back. I think Mike is probably stressed out and embarrassed to be in this situation but OTOH I agree with my fiance that if he can't be graceful, maybe we shouldn't help them. FWIW, we aren't flashy people (we drive Toyotas and shop at Aldi to save money) so it's not like we are flashing our money all the time. We have money available, but we pretty much still live like college students in that we don't do extras and splurges often. I'm also annoyed at my fiance for telling Mike that we have helped them out in the past. Honestly it was just $200 here, $500 there for important things like rent, daycare, credit card bills, etc and Anna would ask me and I'd happily give them the money (or pay directly, in the case of daycare). What would you do in this scenario? Is our friendship done? |
Anonymous
| Friendship is not done, but it is an awful abuse of friendship for Anna to consistently be borrowing money from you instead of working to get their sh*t together. You need to start enabling and listen to your DH because it is his money too. Remove money from the friendship entirely or else it will be over. |
Anonymous
| Your friendship is not done, but I do question your friend's situation: why exactly can't two capable adults manage their finances better? |
Anonymous
*stop enabling their bad financial decisions |
Anonymous
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Unreal that you have been handing out money and don’t see that as a problem.
No good deed goes Unpunished. Let the a hole figure it out. |
Anonymous
| This is the last time you help financially. Your DH absolutely owes mike an apology. He kicked the man when his pride was already down. Mike behaved immaturely and without gratitude but he’s understandably taken an ego hit. Let it go. Tell them the car is theirs and what’s done is done but you don’t want to hear another word about it and all 4 of you make a pact to never discuss finances ever again. When you get together from now on, be sensitive to their financial situation and choose ways to get together that are budget friendly. |
Anonymous
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Why do you keep giving grown ass people money? Why do you give a grown ass wife money that her husband doesn't know about ??
I think everything you are doing is a recipe for disaster . To be honest I think you are in the wrong ;you know they aren't financially capable but I think there's some little bit of of a pay off you get it from constantly bailing them out . Hell yeah dude is embarrassed and if you can bail somebody out you don't throw it in their face . I would throw all of y'all away . |
Anonymous
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Call Anna back and tell her it's fine. Tell her you are happy to have provided them a car.
Next time she mentions needing money or asks for it, say "Sorry, I/we can't this time." Stop giving them money. They are adults, parents. They need to learn to support themselves. It's not about Mike being ungrateful. It's about them being adults, and this being a pattern. |
Anonymous
| Now that I think about it even more so about what you doing just don't even smell right . |
Anonymous
| Your friendship is done. This money issue is an insurmountable barrier. You need to find new friends that are not total losers. |
Anonymous
+1 Stop giving her money. Just stop. |
Anonymous
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I would never give my friends so much money so many times. Once, maybe, but you've established a pattern of providing for two capable adults. I think its quite clear they're using you but whatever.
Tell Anna there will be no more discussing finances period. If she brings it up again, end the friendship. |
Anonymous
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If I were your friends husband, this would make me very uncomfortable. You are being very generous with your friend. I know it is well-intended, but I think it crosses a line/ goes too far. I can't imagine asking a friend for several hundred dollars, I am guessing your one friend is used to this treatment from you, I kinda wonder what will happen if you do back off a bit.
Husband is not the one taking your money, so I don't think he is being ungrateful exactly, he is expressing how uncomfortable this situation is making him. I don't think it gives him license to be rude to you. Bottom line, you need to cut this out with your friend, I can't imagine they are paying you back at the rate you are helping them. This is a strange dynamic, and feels like it could be a really unhealthy relationship for you, that maybe you don't realize |
Anonymous
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Your fiance was out of line. If he knew that Mike wasn't aware of the other gifts of money, he should never have broken that confidence.
He phrased it this isn't the first time "we've" given you money... so it sounds like this was money that was coming from both of you? I mean, you aren't married yet but are you already making financial decisions together? If so did he agree with the decision to give Anna money? Did he agree to not let Mike know about it? I would speak first and foremost to your soon to be husband about why he reacted the way he did to Mike's comments. A mature reaction would be just as you said. "We are happy to help if we can." And then certainly stop giving any more money. But to rub it in Mike's face like that is not classy. If he made the decision to help Anna out, he should be able to rise about Mike's whining. |
Anonymous
| What would I have done? For starters I would have never ever lent them money. This relationship is done. |