Best friend's husband is being ungrateful or are we wrong? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! Op here.

Anna and I have always been supportive to each other. She helped me when I didn't have things and we are just so close that it feels wrong to not help out but I understand that this is muddying things a bit.

There have been times when I said that we couldn't swing it if she asked for money and she never got mad or upset about it, she understood.

As far as my DF, when Mike went off on us we were both really cool and quiet about it. As I said, I told Mike that we obviously just want to help if we can. He continued arguing and made a few personal remarks/insults which is when my DF told him about the other money. I talked to DF and he said he wasn't trying to "throw it in his face", but he felt angry that Mike (who will be the main one using the car) was being so disrespectful.

I hope this clears things up.

OP you haven't responded in a while, but I am curious about this. For the record, I'm one of the folks that thinks your fiance was in the wrong as well as Mike so it's basically a "wash" regarding who to blame. But how did this actually go? You're all having a nice dinner and what? you were talking about the weather and then out of the blue, Mike goes off on you? Or, were you all talking about the car? Maybe Anne was gushing a little bit - thanking you for the car saying how nice it was? And that's when Mike said "must be nice...."

Because if you're going to support a part of their lives, you should have cut that conversation off at the start. You should have stopped Anne and said something to the effect of "okay, it's done, let's not dwell on it and let's talk about something else" or shifted the conversation.

My image is that Anne was going on and on about the car and you and your fiance sat there beaming with pride (and a little bit of looking down on them) that you were able to "save the day." and at some point, Mike had enough. He probably sat ther at the beginning swallowing his pride until it was just too much and then started in on some little benign jabs (like "must be nice to be so rich") which shouldn't have set your fiance off.

After some digs, you and your fiance should have realized that he was truly embarrassed and you should have cut it off at this point (if you hadn't already - see above). but again, you didn't and your fiance decided to make matters worse by chopping off Mike's balls while he was at it.

Seriously, you need to check yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and Anna can still be friends but leave the guys out of it. And tell her that you’re sorry the gifts of money have become a sore spot for Mike but you understand it’s probably a difficult thing for him. Suggest that you stop gifting them. SHe can tell Mike that you will no longer be helping them so perhaps she and he should take a long, hard look at their lives and see if they can do anything to best use their education and work experience to get more income as well as ways to cut spending. The sooner you clear out of their financial matters the better.

This. Perhaps over time the circle can expand to include the guys, but right now this is about you and Anna.

Mike's ego can't handle you giving them $ for stuff or buying a car (?) for them.

I think you'll see quite quickly if your friendship will survive this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! Op here.

Anna and I have always been supportive to each other. She helped me when I didn't have things and we are just so close that it feels wrong to not help out but I understand that this is muddying things a bit.

There have been times when I said that we couldn't swing it if she asked for money and she never got mad or upset about it, she understood.

As far as my DF, when Mike went off on us we were both really cool and quiet about it. As I said, I told Mike that we obviously just want to help if we can. He continued arguing and made a few personal remarks/insults which is when my DF told him about the other money. I talked to DF and he said he wasn't trying to "throw it in his face", but he felt angry that Mike (who will be the main one using the car) was being so disrespectful.

I hope this clears things up.

OP you haven't responded in a while, but I am curious about this. For the record, I'm one of the folks that thinks your fiance was in the wrong as well as Mike so it's basically a "wash" regarding who to blame. But how did this actually go? You're all having a nice dinner and what? you were talking about the weather and then out of the blue, Mike goes off on you? Or, were you all talking about the car? Maybe Anne was gushing a little bit - thanking you for the car saying how nice it was? And that's when Mike said "must be nice...."

Because if you're going to support a part of their lives, you should have cut that conversation off at the start. You should have stopped Anne and said something to the effect of "okay, it's done, let's not dwell on it and let's talk about something else" or shifted the conversation.

My image is that Anne was going on and on about the car and you and your fiance sat there beaming with pride (and a little bit of looking down on them) that you were able to "save the day." and at some point, Mike had enough. He probably sat ther at the beginning swallowing his pride until it was just too much and then started in on some little benign jabs (like "must be nice to be so rich") which shouldn't have set your fiance off.

After some digs, you and your fiance should have realized that he was truly embarrassed and you should have cut it off at this point (if you hadn't already - see above). but again, you didn't and your fiance decided to make matters worse by chopping off Mike's balls while he was at it.

Seriously, you need to check yourself.

Op here.

Here is what happened leading up to Mike freaking out.

*we are all sitting in the living room having drinks and getting a game out* Like I said before, Mike had been really cold all evening and not really wanting to say more than 2 words at a time even when asked a direct question.

As we are sitting down and clearing off the coffee table for the game, Anna says

A: Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you again for all your help.
Me (OP): You know it's no biggie. You've always been there for me when I needed a hand too.
A: You know... I really love driving the new car.
OP: Enjoy it honey!
A: *asks a question about the game we are playing* At this point the convo about the car/money is done.
Mike: It must be really nice to be rich and be able to throw money at all your problems
At this point we all just looked at him confused
OP: Mike, it's not like that. We wanted to help you guys out. Anna has done me a ton of solids in the past.
M: Whatever. You have your nice job and think that we need your money.
OP: Mike, I love you and the kids like you're my own family.
M: If you want to take care of someone's kids so much, why don't you have your own? What is it? You can't have kids so you want to buy ours?

At this point, my fiance started saying to Mike that he was being rude and needed to calm down. Then Mike said "how about you MFs stop acting like we need you. We don't need shit from you". That's when DF got offended and told him that it wasn't the first time we have helped.

Mike has known in the past when I would give Anna maybe $50-$100 but he wasn't aware about the other money.

[Anonymous]

lol Our own Maury show.

But Mike's right, OP. Focus on your family, not Anna's.

[Anonymous]

I would only get together with Anna in the future. Helping out with money issues would be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only get together with Anna in the future. Helping out with money issues would be done.

It doesn't sound like OP is ready to be done with the money help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only get together with Anna in the future. Helping out with money issues would be done.

It doesn't sound like OP is ready to be done with the money help.

Then OP enjoys meddling and creating additional conflict in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only get together with Anna in the future. Helping out with money issues would be done.

It doesn't sound like OP is ready to be done with the money help.

OP here,

I'm fine with not helping out with the money anymore. I have mainly been helping them because I don't want the kids to have to suffer. But I think the two of them are going to have to figure it out. I can be a friendly ear or shoulder but I won't be shelling out anymore money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! Op here.

Anna and I have always been supportive to each other. She helped me when I didn't have things and we are just so close that it feels wrong to not help out but I understand that this is muddying things a bit.

There have been times when I said that we couldn't swing it if she asked for money and she never got mad or upset about it, she understood.

As far as my DF, when Mike went off on us we were both really cool and quiet about it. As I said, I told Mike that we obviously just want to help if we can. He continued arguing and made a few personal remarks/insults which is when my DF told him about the other money. I talked to DF and he said he wasn't trying to "throw it in his face", but he felt angry that Mike (who will be the main one using the car) was being so disrespectful.

I hope this clears things up.

OP you haven't responded in a while, but I am curious about this. For the record, I'm one of the folks that thinks your fiance was in the wrong as well as Mike so it's basically a "wash" regarding who to blame. But how did this actually go? You're all having a nice dinner and what? you were talking about the weather and then out of the blue, Mike goes off on you? Or, were you all talking about the car? Maybe Anne was gushing a little bit - thanking you for the car saying how nice it was? And that's when Mike said "must be nice...."

Because if you're going to support a part of their lives, you should have cut that conversation off at the start. You should have stopped Anne and said something to the effect of "okay, it's done, let's not dwell on it and let's talk about something else" or shifted the conversation.

My image is that Anne was going on and on about the car and you and your fiance sat there beaming with pride (and a little bit of looking down on them) that you were able to "save the day." and at some point, Mike had enough. He probably sat ther at the beginning swallowing his pride until it was just too much and then started in on some little benign jabs (like "must be nice to be so rich") which shouldn't have set your fiance off.

After some digs, you and your fiance should have realized that he was truly embarrassed and you should have cut it off at this point (if you hadn't already - see above). but again, you didn't and your fiance decided to make matters worse by chopping off Mike's balls while he was at it.

Seriously, you need to check yourself.

Op here.

Here is what happened leading up to Mike freaking out.

*we are all sitting in the living room having drinks and getting a game out* Like I said before, Mike had been really cold all evening and not really wanting to say more than 2 words at a time even when asked a direct question.

As we are sitting down and clearing off the coffee table for the game, Anna says

A: Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you again for all your help.
Me (OP): You know it's no biggie. You've always been there for me when I needed a hand too.
A: You know... I really love driving the new car.
OP: Enjoy it honey!
A: *asks a question about the game we are playing* At this point the convo about the car/money is done.
Mike: It must be really nice to be rich and be able to throw money at all your problems
At this point we all just looked at him confused
OP: Mike, it's not like that. We wanted to help you guys out. Anna has done me a ton of solids in the past.
M: Whatever. You have your nice job and think that we need your money.
OP: Mike, I love you and the kids like you're my own family.
M: If you want to take care of someone's kids so much, why don't you have your own? What is it? You can't have kids so you want to buy ours?

At this point, my fiance started saying to Mike that he was being rude and needed to calm down. Then Mike said "how about you MFs stop acting like we need you. We don't need shit from you". That's when DF got offended and told him that it wasn't the first time we have helped.

Mike has known in the past when I would give Anna maybe $50-$100 but he wasn't aware about the other money.

Mike called your fiance (and you, both) a mofo and you're surprised that your fiance is offended?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! Op here.

Anna and I have always been supportive to each other. She helped me when I didn't have things and we are just so close that it feels wrong to not help out but I understand that this is muddying things a bit.

There have been times when I said that we couldn't swing it if she asked for money and she never got mad or upset about it, she understood.

As far as my DF, when Mike went off on us we were both really cool and quiet about it. As I said, I told Mike that we obviously just want to help if we can. He continued arguing and made a few personal remarks/insults which is when my DF told him about the other money. I talked to DF and he said he wasn't trying to "throw it in his face", but he felt angry that Mike (who will be the main one using the car) was being so disrespectful.

I hope this clears things up.

OP you haven't responded in a while, but I am curious about this. For the record, I'm one of the folks that thinks your fiance was in the wrong as well as Mike so it's basically a "wash" regarding who to blame. But how did this actually go? You're all having a nice dinner and what? you were talking about the weather and then out of the blue, Mike goes off on you? Or, were you all talking about the car? Maybe Anne was gushing a little bit - thanking you for the car saying how nice it was? And that's when Mike said "must be nice...."

Because if you're going to support a part of their lives, you should have cut that conversation off at the start. You should have stopped Anne and said something to the effect of "okay, it's done, let's not dwell on it and let's talk about something else" or shifted the conversation.

My image is that Anne was going on and on about the car and you and your fiance sat there beaming with pride (and a little bit of looking down on them) that you were able to "save the day." and at some point, Mike had enough. He probably sat ther at the beginning swallowing his pride until it was just too much and then started in on some little benign jabs (like "must be nice to be so rich") which shouldn't have set your fiance off.

After some digs, you and your fiance should have realized that he was truly embarrassed and you should have cut it off at this point (if you hadn't already - see above). but again, you didn't and your fiance decided to make matters worse by chopping off Mike's balls while he was at it.

Seriously, you need to check yourself.

Op here.

Here is what happened leading up to Mike freaking out.

*we are all sitting in the living room having drinks and getting a game out* Like I said before, Mike had been really cold all evening and not really wanting to say more than 2 words at a time even when asked a direct question.

As we are sitting down and clearing off the coffee table for the game, Anna says

A: Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you again for all your help.
Me (OP): You know it's no biggie. You've always been there for me when I needed a hand too.
A: You know... I really love driving the new car.
OP: Enjoy it honey!
A: *asks a question about the game we are playing* At this point the convo about the car/money is done.
Mike: It must be really nice to be rich and be able to throw money at all your problems
At this point we all just looked at him confused
OP: Mike, it's not like that. We wanted to help you guys out. Anna has done me a ton of solids in the past.
M: Whatever. You have your nice job and think that we need your money.
OP: Mike, I love you and the kids like you're my own family.
M: If you want to take care of someone's kids so much, why don't you have your own? What is it? You can't have kids so you want to buy ours?

At this point, my fiance started saying to Mike that he was being rude and needed to calm down. Then Mike said "how about you MFs stop acting like we need you. We don't need shit from you". That's when DF got offended and told him that it wasn't the first time we have helped.

Mike has known in the past when I would give Anna maybe $50-$100 but he wasn't aware about the other money.

I posted about all four of your contributions to this issue and this follow up makes me think I was right.

If you are paying their monthly bills you are a part of their income stream. You are therefore in a strong position of power. And clearly that makes Mike deeply deeply uncomfortable. He was an ahole about it for sure but you are SO SO intertwined with their household. Had there been AN allusions to this growing resentment leading up to this? I find it hard to believe there were not warning signs on his volcano heating up.

[Anonymous]

PP again. FWIW OP if my DH had a person like this in his life I would deeply resent them as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you obviously have good intentions, but by giving Anna money to pay bills without Mike's knowledge, you are helping her deceive her husband and are participating in a big breach of trust in their relationship. In a sense, you are Anna's AP. If you are at the point where you are sitting down with them to discuss finances, regularly paying bills, and making large purchases for them, then this has become a marriage with 3 people in it.

Mike's words were certainly out of line, but I can't fault him for the feelings behind them. And I understand your fiance's reaction.

Honestly, I don't know if this friendship can be saved. You and Anna could probably continue to be friends. But Mike understandably wants you out of his marriage, and it sounds like your fiance is also not too keen on polyamory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Allowing a friend in need to borrow money or even taking her out for lunch is fine. But you are financially supporting your friend - giving her money, offering to pay for her car repair bills and then actually buying her a car.

Because of this weird dynamic, this couple has become financially dependent on you. "Mike" resents the way his wife brings you into their personal finances. And you expect him to be grateful for enabling his wife's dependence on you?

That isn't a true friendship, Op. It's an arrangement where you have made this woman reliant on you to keep herself afloat. The more you give her, the more she needs you and the more she needs you the more Mike resents you....

Now your fiance is inserting himself into the mix. This does not bode well.

After reading your update, Op, I'm going to quote myself. This in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think Mike was feeling invisible, irrelevant and disrespected by everyone there. It’s his family, his children, yet everyone there made significant decisions for his family and carried them out behind his back, without even considering getting his input first.

I think Anna looks for the quick and easy fix. She and Mike really need to figure out together what changes they need to make to provide for their children’s needs as well as their own long term financial future. Anna needs to turn to her husband for his input if she wants her marriage to last. Friends should be supportive of their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Mike has known in the past when I would give Anna maybe $50-$100 but he wasn't aware about the other money.

DING! DING! DING! We have a winner. Even if you don't see it this way, Anna has been hiding this from Mike.

Mike was way, way out of line here - you unknowingly walked in on what should have been a discussion between the two of them. He's pissed because she's been taking $ from you and he feels like a chump.

You need to have an honest discussion with her about how you aren't going to let money given by you get in the middle of their marriage, therefore you're going to stop giving her $.