Best friend's husband is being ungrateful or are we wrong? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you never should have bought her a car. That’s absurd. Do you discuss this with your fiancé? He seems annoyed and I don’t blame him. I think you have a savior complex. You need to get over it and find better friends.

Some people are closer to their friends than their family. If OP was helping a sibling, would you feel the same way?

Was the sibling lying to the BIL about it?

[Anonymous]

That's crazy. I don't have friends I would spend thousands on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
List of problems:

1. Your friend asking you for money on a regular basis.
2. You being OK with it.
3. Her husband being rude about it. He has a right to be angry/humiliated when his wife asks friends for money, but he does not have the right to be rude to his wife's benefactors.

Only person who's right:

Your fiance.

+1

+2

+3

[Anonymous]

You are wrong to keep giving them money and he is wrong to lose his temper like that. Nothing good ever comes from such situations, he is insecure and you are controlling and weird for interfering in such a way in your friend's financial troubles. Your fiance was wrong to be so self righteous to Mike. In fact, your fiance was quite the a**hole in this situation by escalating it with his comment. Surely you can see that? Plus, why is your fiance helping them? You already combined your finances before getting married? Did your fiance contribute money to your friends? That is weird as well. Mike was wrong, but what is he supposed to do when your fiance attacked him? Clearly they know they are in a bad situation, what was the purpose of your fiance being confrontational? If he didn't' want to give them money, why did he give it then? Also, if he didn't contribute, and it was just your money, what the heck is your fiance's problem?

[Anonymous]

Allowing a friend in need to borrow money or even taking her out for lunch is fine. But you are financially supporting your friend - giving her money, offering to pay for her car repair bills and then actually buying her a car.

Because of this weird dynamic, this couple has become financially dependent on you. "Mike" resents the way his wife brings you into their personal finances. And you expect him to be grateful for enabling his wife's dependence on you?

That isn't a true friendship, Op. It's an arrangement where you have made this woman reliant on you to keep herself afloat. The more you give her, the more she needs you and the more she needs you the more Mike resents you....

Now your fiance is inserting himself into the mix. This does not bode well.

[Anonymous]

If the fiancé was fine and really calm and then Mike started yelling and insulting them, it’s understandable to lash out back at him.

No one is going to sit there and take abuse from someone they’re trying to help out and then be quiet about it.

Why is it okay for Mike to feel “emasculated” or whatever but fiancé can’t feel anything about being insulted and yelled at?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never give my friends so much money so many times. Once, maybe, but you've established a pattern of providing for two capable adults. I think its quite clear they're using you but whatever.

Tell Anna there will be no more discussing finances period. If she brings it up again, end the friendship.

THis is way harder to do than it appears. I don't think money woes come up in conversation point-blank. It sorta subtly sneaks itself in - "Ugh, Jenn, things really suck around here lately. Sorry I didn't pick up the phone before. Mike and I were arguing about the late fee from daycare and then that spiraled into why I charged my manicure to the credit card. I didn't care though. I am so pissed off right now. That stuiped woman from the Debt Collection Company keeps calling. I feel really stressed. WHat do I do? I feel so overwhelmed."

...see how there is allusion to money problems, money needed is just a part of regular conversation? The advice "don't discuss finances again" works in theory, but in reality it is hard to pivot the conversation when it becomes the elephant in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never give my friends so much money so many times. Once, maybe, but you've established a pattern of providing for two capable adults. I think its quite clear they're using you but whatever.

Tell Anna there will be no more discussing finances period. If she brings it up again, end the friendship.

THis is way harder to do than it appears. I don't think money woes come up in conversation point-blank. It sorta subtly sneaks itself in - "Ugh, Jenn, things really suck around here lately. Sorry I didn't pick up the phone before. Mike and I were arguing about the late fee from daycare and then that spiraled into why I charged my manicure to the credit card. I didn't care though. I am so pissed off right now. That stuiped woman from the Debt Collection Company keeps calling. I feel really stressed. WHat do I do? I feel so overwhelmed."

...see how there is allusion to money problems, money needed is just a part of regular conversation? The advice "don't discuss finances again" works in theory, but in reality it is hard to pivot the conversation when it becomes the elephant in the room.

Ok
This is a troll
This whole post is a FAKE!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the fiancé was fine and really calm and then Mike started yelling and insulting them, it’s understandable to lash out back at him.

No one is going to sit there and take abuse from someone they’re trying to help out and then be quiet about it.

Why is it okay for Mike to feel “emasculated” or whatever but fiancé can’t feel anything about being insulted and yelled at?

The fiance was a huge jerk. Mike was a jerk and the fiance was a jerk and OP is pretty awful for giving Anna so much money and financial "advice".

[Anonymous]

You and your “friend” have an unhealthy dynamic. You feel the need to save her and be the generous hero. She loves having you save her. I would be curious how close she would be if she knew you would not be giving her any money going forward. You might find you aren’t as close as you think.

Your fiancé is annoyed and the husband is embarrassed. You need to stop the flow of money and keep them out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Enabling" is kind of weird here. When I pay for daycare or $200 that they are short for rent, I don't feel like I'm enabling them. What is the alternative? They lose their house or their childcare (which would cause more problems down the line).

The alternative is you let them fail. They will never learn to manage their own finances until they hit rock bottom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your fiance was out of line. If he knew that Mike wasn't aware of the other gifts of money, he should never have broken that confidence.

He phrased it this isn't the first time "we've" given you money... so it sounds like this was money that was coming from both of you? I mean, you aren't married yet but are you already making financial decisions together? If so did he agree with the decision to give Anna money? Did he agree to not let Mike know about it?

I would speak first and foremost to your soon to be husband about why he reacted the way he did to Mike's comments. A mature reaction would be just as you said. "We are happy to help if we can." And then certainly stop giving any more money. But to rub it in Mike's face like that is not classy. If he made the decision to help Anna out, he should be able to rise about Mike's whining.

This is ridiculous. Mike is acting like a jackass, and he's the unknowing recipient of lots of *additional* help?

[Anonymous]

1 - I bet the husband may not realize how much help the wife has received from OP. I bet she never told him where the money came from, or he just never noticed her spending it.

2 - OP should stop helping them. This isn't a healthy relationship. They're adults, and they need to figure out, long-term, how to survive financially.

[Anonymous]

I personally think your friend’s husband was completely out of line for what he said after you did them a very HUGE favor.

It was super ungrateful, inconsiderate + a very cheap shot.

He owes you both a huge, sincere apology for what he said.
Bar none.

I would continue your friendship w/your friend, but let her know that due to her husband’s comment the other evening, you simply cannot & will not give them any more money.

Hopefully she understands and lets this issue go.

As for you -
Remain consistent w/your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think your friend’s husband was completely out of line for what he said after you did them a very HUGE favor.

It was super ungrateful, inconsiderate + a very cheap shot.

He owes you both a huge, sincere apology for what he said.
Bar none.

I would continue your friendship w/your friend, but let her know that due to her husband’s comment the other evening, you simply cannot & will not give them any more money.

Hopefully she understands and lets this issue go.

As for you -
Remain consistent w/your words.

Ungrateful lol