Best friend's husband is being ungrateful or are we wrong? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Um you bought them a car? You give them hundreds of dollars “here and there?” I say Anna is using you. Remain friends if you want, but my purse would be closed. I would have no problem lending money to a good friend or giving a one time gift in a tight spot, but I can’t imagine any of my friends would repeatedly take my money and let me pay for things without even offering to repay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
List of problems:

1. Your friend asking you for money on a regular basis.
2. You being OK with it.
3. Her husband being rude about it. He has a right to be angry/humiliated when his wife asks friends for money, but he does not have the right to be rude to his wife's benefactors.

Only person who's right:

Your fiance.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:or say?

Here's the story.

My best friend and I have been close since college (so about 8 yrs), let's call her Anna. Anna and her DH (call him Mike) have always had money issues. They both work hard, but are underemployed. Anna didn't finish college (but is employed), and Mike did but he isn't using his degree because it isn't a super in demand field. Anyway, she has been telling me about their recent money issues as they have had to move in with family. Last month, their car died so I told her I would pay for the repair. Turns out the repair is $$$ and the car needs other work so I told her I could just get her a pre owned car instead for a little more than the price of the repairs.

So last night, they invited my fiance and I over for dinner. Mike was kind of standoffish all evening and eventually erupts into "Oh it must so nice to be rich and be able to throw money around" when Anna told me that she really enjoys driving the new car. I said "you know it's not like that Mike... We aren't rich but we do try to help our good friends out when we can". Meanwhile Anna is mad at him for being rude. My fiance retorts to Mike that "this isn't the first time we have helped out, it's just the first you're hearing about it". Mike continues hurling insults at us and my fiance is saying we should leave. On the way home he said we shouldn't help them again because they are ungrateful. Anna called me today but I missed the call. She left a long message apologizing and saying to call her back.

I think Mike is probably stressed out and embarrassed to be in this situation but OTOH I agree with my fiance that if he can't be graceful, maybe we shouldn't help them. FWIW, we aren't flashy people (we drive Toyotas and shop at Aldi to save money) so it's not like we are flashing our money all the time. We have money available, but we pretty much still live like college students in that we don't do extras and splurges often. I'm also annoyed at my fiance for telling Mike that we have helped them out in the past. Honestly it was just $200 here, $500 there for important things like rent, daycare, credit card bills, etc and Anna would ask me and I'd happily give them the money (or pay directly, in the case of daycare).

What would you do in this scenario? Is our friendship done?

Your fiancé is a huge asshole. You don’t see this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or say?

Here's the story.

My best friend and I have been close since college (so about 8 yrs), let's call her Anna. Anna and her DH (call him Mike) have always had money issues. They both work hard, but are underemployed. Anna didn't finish college (but is employed), and Mike did but he isn't using his degree because it isn't a super in demand field. Anyway, she has been telling me about their recent money issues as they have had to move in with family. Last month, their car died so I told her I would pay for the repair. Turns out the repair is $$$ and the car needs other work so I told her I could just get her a pre owned car instead for a little more than the price of the repairs.

So last night, they invited my fiance and I over for dinner. Mike was kind of standoffish all evening and eventually erupts into "Oh it must so nice to be rich and be able to throw money around" when Anna told me that she really enjoys driving the new car. I said "you know it's not like that Mike... We aren't rich but we do try to help our good friends out when we can". Meanwhile Anna is mad at him for being rude. My fiance retorts to Mike that "this isn't the first time we have helped out, it's just the first you're hearing about it". Mike continues hurling insults at us and my fiance is saying we should leave. On the way home he said we shouldn't help them again because they are ungrateful. Anna called me today but I missed the call. She left a long message apologizing and saying to call her back.

I think Mike is probably stressed out and embarrassed to be in this situation but OTOH I agree with my fiance that if he can't be graceful, maybe we shouldn't help them. FWIW, we aren't flashy people (we drive Toyotas and shop at Aldi to save money) so it's not like we are flashing our money all the time. We have money available, but we pretty much still live like college students in that we don't do extras and splurges often. I'm also annoyed at my fiance for telling Mike that we have helped them out in the past. Honestly it was just $200 here, $500 there for important things like rent, daycare, credit card bills, etc and Anna would ask me and I'd happily give them the money (or pay directly, in the case of daycare).

What would you do in this scenario? Is our friendship done?

Your fiancé is a huge asshole. You don’t see this?

OP is totally nuts. Of course she doesn't see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone! Op here.

Anna and I have always been supportive to each other. She helped me when I didn't have things and we are just so close that it feels wrong to not help out but I understand that this is muddying things a bit.

There have been times when I said that we couldn't swing it if she asked for money and she never got mad or upset about it, she understood.

As far as my DF, when Mike went off on us we were both really cool and quiet about it. As I said, I told Mike that we obviously just want to help if we can. He continued arguing and made a few personal remarks/insults which is when my DF told him about the other money. I talked to DF and he said he wasn't trying to "throw it in his face", but he felt angry that Mike (who will be the main one using the car) was being so disrespectful.

I hope this clears things up.

Wow, anna and mike are a hot mess. She begs you multiple times for money behind her husband’s back? They are grown ass adults who need to start acting like it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago, we discussed their finances so I could help them plan things a bit better. Between the 2 of them, they make $55K. They really don't do any extras except for the occasional 7-11 coffee. Kids go to an in home daycare and until recently they had an apartment. Once the lease ended, they decided to just move in with relatives to save money. They both have about $15K in student loans each.

I would help out because of the friendship and then obviously because of the kids. I have been paying the daycare bill for the past 3 months to take some of the weight off but now they are covering it because they don't have the high rent anymore.

Good lord! This isn’t a friendship, you are way too involved in their money situation. Back away now op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or say?

Here's the story.

My best friend and I have been close since college (so about 8 yrs), let's call her Anna. Anna and her DH (call him Mike) have always had money issues. They both work hard, but are underemployed. Anna didn't finish college (but is employed), and Mike did but he isn't using his degree because it isn't a super in demand field. Anyway, she has been telling me about their recent money issues as they have had to move in with family. Last month, their car died so I told her I would pay for the repair. Turns out the repair is $$$ and the car needs other work so I told her I could just get her a pre owned car instead for a little more than the price of the repairs.

So last night, they invited my fiance and I over for dinner. Mike was kind of standoffish all evening and eventually erupts into "Oh it must so nice to be rich and be able to throw money around" when Anna told me that she really enjoys driving the new car. I said "you know it's not like that Mike... We aren't rich but we do try to help our good friends out when we can". Meanwhile Anna is mad at him for being rude. My fiance retorts to Mike that "this isn't the first time we have helped out, it's just the first you're hearing about it". Mike continues hurling insults at us and my fiance is saying we should leave. On the way home he said we shouldn't help them again because they are ungrateful. Anna called me today but I missed the call. She left a long message apologizing and saying to call her back.

I think Mike is probably stressed out and embarrassed to be in this situation but OTOH I agree with my fiance that if he can't be graceful, maybe we shouldn't help them. FWIW, we aren't flashy people (we drive Toyotas and shop at Aldi to save money) so it's not like we are flashing our money all the time. We have money available, but we pretty much still live like college students in that we don't do extras and splurges often. I'm also annoyed at my fiance for telling Mike that we have helped them out in the past. Honestly it was just $200 here, $500 there for important things like rent, daycare, credit card bills, etc and Anna would ask me and I'd happily give them the money (or pay directly, in the case of daycare).

What would you do in this scenario? Is our friendship done?

Your fiancé is a huge asshole. You don’t see this?

Hi, Mike! Get your finances in order so your wife doesn’t need to guilt trip her “friends” into bankrolling your bad decision making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or say?

Here's the story.

My best friend and I have been close since college (so about 8 yrs), let's call her Anna. Anna and her DH (call him Mike) have always had money issues. They both work hard, but are underemployed. Anna didn't finish college (but is employed), and Mike did but he isn't using his degree because it isn't a super in demand field. Anyway, she has been telling me about their recent money issues as they have had to move in with family. Last month, their car died so I told her I would pay for the repair. Turns out the repair is $$$ and the car needs other work so I told her I could just get her a pre owned car instead for a little more than the price of the repairs.

So last night, they invited my fiance and I over for dinner. Mike was kind of standoffish all evening and eventually erupts into "Oh it must so nice to be rich and be able to throw money around" when Anna told me that she really enjoys driving the new car. I said "you know it's not like that Mike... We aren't rich but we do try to help our good friends out when we can". Meanwhile Anna is mad at him for being rude. My fiance retorts to Mike that "this isn't the first time we have helped out, it's just the first you're hearing about it". Mike continues hurling insults at us and my fiance is saying we should leave. On the way home he said we shouldn't help them again because they are ungrateful. Anna called me today but I missed the call. She left a long message apologizing and saying to call her back.

I think Mike is probably stressed out and embarrassed to be in this situation but OTOH I agree with my fiance that if he can't be graceful, maybe we shouldn't help them. FWIW, we aren't flashy people (we drive Toyotas and shop at Aldi to save money) so it's not like we are flashing our money all the time. We have money available, but we pretty much still live like college students in that we don't do extras and splurges often. I'm also annoyed at my fiance for telling Mike that we have helped them out in the past. Honestly it was just $200 here, $500 there for important things like rent, daycare, credit card bills, etc and Anna would ask me and I'd happily give them the money (or pay directly, in the case of daycare).

What would you do in this scenario? Is our friendship done?

Your fiancé is a huge asshole. You don’t see this?

Hi, Mike! Get your finances in order so your wife doesn’t need to guilt trip her “friends” into bankrolling your bad decision making.

If Mike is wise, he'll divorce Anna. She's a user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
List of problems:

1. Your friend asking you for money on a regular basis.
2. You being OK with it.
3. Her husband being rude about it. He has a right to be angry/humiliated when his wife asks friends for money, but he does not have the right to be rude to his wife's benefactors.

Only person who's right:

Your fiance.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um you bought them a car? You give them hundreds of dollars “here and there?” I say Anna is using you. Remain friends if you want, but my purse would be closed. I would have no problem lending money to a good friend or giving a one time gift in a tight spot, but I can’t imagine any of my friends would repeatedly take my money and let me pay for things without even offering to repay.

x100000

Like that friend who suggests the pricey restaurant? Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mike knew about the car. He was okay with it but then got weird. I still haven’t called her back

He got weird because he wants a new car too. You should give him one. That would be the right thing to do.

Everybody gets a car!

No crap. What are you Oprah? I need a new car, OP. Please list your phone number. I'll pretend to be your friend, in exchange for a car, or whatever else I need next week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal people do not buy their friends cars, or pay their repair bills.

+1

Or whatever else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the last time you help financially. Your DH absolutely owes mike an apology. He kicked the man when his pride was already down. Mike behaved immaturely and without gratitude but he’s understandably taken an ego hit. Let it go. Tell them the car is theirs and what’s done is done but you don’t want to hear another word about it and all 4 of you make a pact to never discuss finances ever again. When you get together from now on, be sensitive to their financial situation and choose ways to get together that are budget friendly.

Yes to all of this. Did Mike agree to let you buy the car or did your friend accept it without consulting him? No more financial help if you value your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Mike is a sore loser and ungrateful idiot who is dragging Anna down. Both are not the sharpest tools as they had kidS (plural!) in their situation.
I think it is best if just the two of you meet from now on (Anna and OP) and if you would like to help Anna you can buy things that are for her use or for the kids. I would not want to have anything to do with Mike ever.

[Anonymous]

$200 here and $400 there? And she continually asks you??
That seems rather nuts.