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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Wife is upset that I'm not reacting strongly enough to the Kavanaugh hearings
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Anonymous
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My wife and I have been together for five years, and married for a little over one. For the most part, we have a good relationship. Politically, we're both liberal; we grew up in liberal families with liberal values in liberal areas of the country. Although we both vote, we're not politically active (ex. volunteering on campaigns, etc).
One of the bigger issues is how we react to negative things happening in our lives. My wife is the kind of person to wear her emotions on her sleeve, and be very emotional and outwardly upset when something negative happens to her, while I'm more of the kind of person to look on the bright side of things and try to stay positive. Again, nothing wrong with either method, everyone is different. However, our difference in how we deal with negative things came to light two years ago when Trump was elected. Leading up to the election, we both talked about how Trump is a mysognist jerk, etc, but we never really talked about what it would be like if he was President, probably because we both never believed it would happen. Of course, he did get elected, and when it happened, she was visibly upset, while I was just like "well, this is really crappy, and it puts alot of people in a crappy position, but tomorrow's another day." This really bothered her for two reasons 1) how I was just brushing off Trump getting elected like it was no big deal and 2) alot of the issues that Trump disagreed with the liberal voting base had to do with women's rights (abortion laws, changes in birth control, etc). My wife felt that since I'm a man, I don't care about those issues, since I hadn't been vocal about them. We got into a mini fight, but after talking about it later that day, the issue was more about me not being vocal about my feelings, and we moved past it. Since Trump's election, I've been making an effort to be vocal about the things his administration is doing that bother me. Some of it is stuff that hits close to home personally for me (immigration issues, as I come from a family of immigrants), but alot of it is the women's rights issues that my wife feels strongly about as well. As the Kavanaugh hearings have progressed, we haven't had alot of conversation about the hearings, mostly talk about it in abstract how we have the same feelings about it (wow, Kavanaugh is such an asshole, Dr. Ford really has a strong case, things like that). Last night was the most we had talked about it, since we both watched different parts of the hearings separately, but again, the conversation never dived into a deeper "how do we feel about this?" This morning, I came downstairs to her watching the hearings and she said "this is bad, it looks like he's going to get confirmed." I replied "Wow, that's really terrible, I can't believe that's happening." To which she replied "oh, you don't care, you're a white male, you'll never have to deal with any of this stuff." This really upset me that she generalized me with the rest of the population, so I admit I mishandled things and raised my voice a little at her and said "that's not true! I do care about this! We talked about it last night." Her reply: "Oh now you're angry at me, but I would never know how you're feeling about this, because everything is just positive and perfect for you. You'll never know what me and other women have to go through!" I apologized for raising my voice to her, told her again that while I don't know what it's like, I do care about how things aren't easy for women in this position, but I didn't appreciate how she was generalizing my feelings just because I'm a white male, and she stormed off, saying that she didn't want to have me yell at her anymore. I'm not really sure how to move forward with this. I'll admit that I raised my voice at her when I shouldn't have, but it bothered me that she generazlied my feelings and opinions just because I'm a white male. Similarly, the issue about me not feeling strongly reared it's head again, and while I've gotten better at voicing my opinions and feelings, it seems like she's mad at me because I'm not wearing my emotions on my sleeve like she is. What should I do? |
Anonymous
| Sorry, she's going off the deep end. Looks like she's taking her anger out on you. |
Anonymous
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You just don't have as much skin in the game. It's great that you say you recognize that you don't know what it's like for her as a woman to watch her fundamental rights being stripped away, but it's strange that you jump straight from that to "how dare you generalize about me being a man!"
Additionally constantly belittling her level of upset by repeating that she "wears her feelings on her sleeve" instead of acknowledging that, actually, she just does feel more strongly about this than you do, you're not just being stoic about your same level of investment, is not a good sign. You wish Trump would have lost but you don't actually suffer with him at the helm so you're not viscerally upset. You don't want Kavanaugh confirmed but in a going-about-your day, "that's terrible, can't believe it" when she brings it up, while she is actually watching the hearings. She's not more volatile than you, she's more upset. And she's acknowledging that it upsets her more, but you keep trying to frame it as her just not handling her emotions in the same way she does rather than admit that it's not as important to you. |
Anonymous
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Has she been sexually assaulted? Someone very close to her sexually assaulted?
Her reaction seems over the top, and out of character otherwise. |
Anonymous
| I'm a woman and even I think your wife is nuts. Is she the type to protest in public? |
Anonymous
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Your wife needs to take a step away from all this TV nonsense. It's makes people ratchet up their beliefs. What if you took an apolitical approach? I haven't bothered watching the hearings because it's a shitshow and honestly, I have much bigger concers/priorities in my life than that.
She needs to pull away somehow. |
Anonymous
The number of women who could not answer yes to at least the second question is infinitesimally small. That women being upset about this farce is framed as "over the top," "off the deep end," etc. by people who don't recognize that obvious truth is just evidence of the experience gap that is upsetting OP's wife (and millions more). |
Anonymous
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You could try a little empathy:
You're right. I can't know what it's like to be a woman. I'm sorry for all the negative things you've experienced. I've never gone through that, but I'm hear to listen. Do you want to make plans with friends this weekend, and I'll watch the kids. I can see that this is intense for you, how can I support you. |
Anonymous
I know 0 women who would answer no to the question. For many of us, it's been very intense not just to think about whatever trauma we may have experienced, but also to see so many of our female friends and relatives suffering. |
Anonymous
| I feel your pain. When my wife rips on Trump or his nominee and old white lames I simply say, don't forget I didn't vote for him but many of your GF's did and we are in this crap hole because of them, not me. |
Anonymous
Was she affected by a SA indirectly or directly? Possibly and I would understand why she feels strongly about the issue. However, it does not excuse her taking it out on her DH who is doing his best to be a supportive DH. |
Anonymous
Males, not lames |
Anonymous
Yes, this. The same kind of empathy wives have to show their husbands every year when XYZ team doesn't win the Super Bowl (stanley cup, etc) |
Anonymous
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Yesterday was really hard for a lot of women, especially (but not only) assault survivors. If it was just this one thing, give her support and listen and cut her a little slack for being upset.
But it sounds like it is a pattern and she can't understand that you emote differently than she does. I'd suggest couples counseling for that issue - you don't have to perform for her, she needs to recognize that other things are supportive too. In my household, I go to marches and the like, DH holds down the household while I'm gone, and we work together to donate money: we are partners in it. Does she have female friends? Yesterday I preferred to chat with female friends and read Jezebel and so on, it was just more comfortable. |
Anonymous
+1, excellent. |