Wife is upset that I'm not reacting strongly enough to the Kavanaugh hearings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could try a little empathy:

You're right. I can't know what it's like to be a woman.
I'm sorry for all the negative things you've experienced.
I've never gone through that, but I'm hear to listen.
Do you want to make plans with friends this weekend, and I'll watch the kids.
I can see that this is intense for you, how can I support you.

These are excellent. Today was a really really difficult day for me too and many of my friends and family who are women. I was overcome yesterday by feelings of anger and sadness that were overwhelming. I respect that everyone reacts differently. I think it sounds like you are really trying and do care. Your wife may just be feeling totally overwhelmed as so many others are.

[Anonymous]

I snapped at my husband yesterday, too, and he's as anti-Kavanaugh as you can be.

Many woman are just at the end of our tethers right now. Furious, scared - for those of us who've lived in privilege, we are maybe seeing for the first time how little men in power care about us, about our autonomy, our safety, our bodies, our daughters, our sisters, our lives.

It's even worse for women who have been through a sexual assault or rape.

Read a lot from women who are struggling through this. Try to be empathetic and patient. Your wife may be reliving things you don't even know about, or she might just be horrified and shocked and scared and fired up and angry/

[Anonymous]

Get your wife out of the house and away from the TV.

Everyone has a right to feel however it is about these hearings. Can’t change someone else’s response. But she needs to accept the things she cannot control (like a senate vote) and not take her outrage out on her partner.

Best way to do that is to step away from the CNN coverage. It won’t make her feel any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If she starts becoming constantly irritable and stressed, she might be hyper-thyroid. She would just need to get bloodwork done to check for thyroid imbalances. It happened to me, so I know.

Or she has mental health issues like an anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your wife out of the house and away from the TV.

Everyone has a right to feel however it is about these hearings. Can’t change someone else’s response. But she needs to accept the things she cannot control (like a senate vote) and not take her outrage out on her partner.

Best way to do that is to step away from the CNN coverage. It won’t make her feel any better.

This. Just step away from the proceedings to avoid watching politicians make fools of themselves. You'll get more frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could try a little empathy:

You're right. I can't know what it's like to be a woman.
I'm sorry for all the negative things you've experienced.
I've never gone through that, but I'm hear to listen.
Do you want to make plans with friends this weekend, and I'll watch the kids.
I can see that this is intense for you, how can I support you.

Yes, this. The same kind of empathy wives have to show their husbands every year when XYZ team doesn't win the Super Bowl (stanley cup, etc)

You can't compare sexual assault and rape to losing the super bowl etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together for five years, and married for a little over one. For the most part, we have a good relationship. Politically, we're both liberal; we grew up in liberal families with liberal values in liberal areas of the country. Although we both vote, we're not politically active (ex. volunteering on campaigns, etc).

One of the bigger issues is how we react to negative things happening in our lives. My wife is the kind of person to wear her emotions on her sleeve, and be very emotional and outwardly upset when something negative happens to her, while I'm more of the kind of person to look on the bright side of things and try to stay positive. Again, nothing wrong with either method, everyone is different.

However, our difference in how we deal with negative things came to light two years ago when Trump was elected. Leading up to the election, we both talked about how Trump is a mysognist jerk, etc, but we never really talked about what it would be like if he was President, probably because we both never believed it would happen. Of course, he did get elected, and when it happened, she was visibly upset, while I was just like "well, this is really crappy, and it puts alot of people in a crappy position, but tomorrow's another day." This really bothered her for two reasons 1) how I was just brushing off Trump getting elected like it was no big deal and 2) alot of the issues that Trump disagreed with the liberal voting base had to do with women's rights (abortion laws, changes in birth control, etc). My wife felt that since I'm a man, I don't care about those issues, since I hadn't been vocal about them. We got into a mini fight, but after talking about it later that day, the issue was more about me not being vocal about my feelings, and we moved past it.

Since Trump's election, I've been making an effort to be vocal about the things his administration is doing that bother me. Some of it is stuff that hits close to home personally for me (immigration issues, as I come from a family of immigrants), but alot of it is the women's rights issues that my wife feels strongly about as well.

As the Kavanaugh hearings have progressed, we haven't had alot of conversation about the hearings, mostly talk about it in abstract how we have the same feelings about it (wow, Kavanaugh is such an asshole, Dr. Ford really has a strong case, things like that). Last night was the most we had talked about it, since we both watched different parts of the hearings separately, but again, the conversation never dived into a deeper "how do we feel about this?"

This morning, I came downstairs to her watching the hearings and she said "this is bad, it looks like he's going to get confirmed." I replied "Wow, that's really terrible, I can't believe that's happening." To which she replied "oh, you don't care, you're a white male, you'll never have to deal with any of this stuff." This really upset me that she generalized me with the rest of the population, so I admit I mishandled things and raised my voice a little at her and said "that's not true! I do care about this! We talked about it last night." Her reply: "Oh now you're angry at me, but I would never know how you're feeling about this, because everything is just positive and perfect for you. You'll never know what me and other women have to go through!" I apologized for raising my voice to her, told her again that while I don't know what it's like, I do care about how things aren't easy for women in this position, but I didn't appreciate how she was generalizing my feelings just because I'm a white male, and she stormed off, saying that she didn't want to have me yell at her anymore.

I'm not really sure how to move forward with this. I'll admit that I raised my voice at her when I shouldn't have, but it bothered me that she generazlied my feelings and opinions just because I'm a white male. Similarly, the issue about me not feeling strongly reared it's head again, and while I've gotten better at voicing my opinions and feelings, it seems like she's mad at me because I'm not wearing my emotions on my sleeve like she is. What should I do?

Do not put up with that crap. Seriously she needs to apologize to you. She does not give a f about you or your feeling. She is emotionally abusing you and you know it. It’s time to leave.

[Anonymous]

You are both right. She doesn't have the right to lump you in with those b**ds, but you also will never really understand.

White males will never truly understand. I'm a minority female; my DH is a white male. He tries to sympathize,, but he will never truly get it. He can't. He's a white male, living in a white male dominated society. He gets that.

We had this conversation about a woman's responsibility in not putting herself in a position to be vulnerable, which I tend to agree with. The issue of what she is wearing came up.

He said if the woman was wearing something really provocative, then it will give the men ideas, and so if she gets groped she bears some responsibility.

To which I responded: so... there are times when I'm wearing something I feel is too low cut at home, and I don't feel comfortable wearing this outside, and you said, "it's fine.. you are too modest..you look nice" (in fairness, I am pretty modest). If I do go outside wearing this, and some man gropes me, do I bear some responsibility for wearing this even though you said it was fine? Your definition of not too revealing may not be the same as someone else's "not too revealing", so the man who groped me could've seen it as provocative.

To which he just shut up.

[Anonymous]

It seems like it's hard for many white men to appreciate how deeply personal this is for many women. It's not just an attack on and an insult to Christine Blasey Ford, it's an attack on and an insult to those of us who heard her story and saw ourselves in her. We can't just hear the news and say, "That's awful, I'm going to go make coffee." We're hurting in a way we can't just turn off. I get why my husband doesn't fully understand that, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated that he doesn't fully understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like it's hard for many white men to appreciate how deeply personal this is for many women. It's not just an attack on and an insult to Christine Blasey Ford, it's an attack on and an insult to those of us who heard her story and saw ourselves in her. We can't just hear the news and say, "That's awful, I'm going to go make coffee." We're hurting in a way we can't just turn off. I get why my husband doesn't fully understand that, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated that he doesn't fully understand that.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the real answer isn't to make some performative statement of caring "enough," but to show real empathy and an appreciation of the fact that you can't fully understand what this means to her, as well as that the latter doesn't make her wrong.

[Anonymous]

It is hard being a thinking, feeling person in this time.

My husband and I have this argument a fair amount too, though reversed: he is the one who is super emotional and I am the one who is like, "Yes, this is absolutely f-ing AWFUL and also we do have to figure out how to live our lives, raise our kids, do our jobs, and not go crazy." We used to argue about it all the time, but we don't anymore.

I think that it comes down to what your wife is hoping for out of these interactions. Does she want you to validate her feelings and experiences, whether you share them or not? Does she want you to share her feelings exactly? Does she want to be comforted? Does she want help brainstorming ways to fight back?

My husband and I had a lot of conversations in which I was able to validate his fears, motivate him to take concrete actions that would make him feel less helpless, and also remind him that mental health is important and must be preserved. Initially, I framed it as, "If you are gearing up for a war, practical or ideological, you need to be doing so from a place of strength, so strengthen. Exercise. Meditate. Plan. Don't just sit there and wail about how f*cked we all are." At first, he was pretty dismissive and tried to paint my response as being indifferent in some way to the suffering involved. We kept talking and I felt like I was able to share my perspectives and get a better understanding of his. But you have to be willing to engage in conversations non-defensively. Your wife is angry. She is right to be angry. You are also angry. Your anger may look different than hers and it may come from a different place, but it is still there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I snapped at my husband yesterday, too, and he's as anti-Kavanaugh as you can be.

Many woman are just at the end of our tethers right now. Furious, scared - for those of us who've lived in privilege, we are maybe seeing for the first time how little men in power care about us, about our autonomy, our safety, our bodies, our daughters, our sisters, our lives.

It's even worse for women who have been through a sexual assault or rape.

Read a lot from women who are struggling through this. Try to be empathetic and patient. Your wife may be reliving things you don't even know about, or she might just be horrified and shocked and scared and fired up and angry/

+1

I am normally pretty moderate and even-keeled, but today I feel I am losing my mind with the fury. Cannot contain it.

[Anonymous]

My husband told me last night that Dr. Ford is mid-remembering what happened to her. He also told me that what happened to Louis CK is unfair. I am very upset.

[Anonymous]

Mis-remembering ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like it's hard for many white men to appreciate how deeply personal this is for many women. It's not just an attack on and an insult to Christine Blasey Ford, it's an attack on and an insult to those of us who heard her story and saw ourselves in her. We can't just hear the news and say, "That's awful, I'm going to go make coffee." We're hurting in a way we can't just turn off. I get why my husband doesn't fully understand that, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated that he doesn't fully understand that.

Or those who have personally been assaulted like this and felt that no one would believe them.