Our daughters boyfriend is now living with us, what are some realistic boundaries to set

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

It's interesting that you phrased it that way, instead of "there's no way we were going to allow our daughters to bang their boyfriends in our own house."

Totally agree. Why wouldn't the daughter be her own person with her own desires and notions of consent? In other words, an active participant in "the banging" (ugh) vs an object to be banged. If you think women are just passive recipients of the banging, there are are probably some deeply ingrained misogynistic ideas going on. To OP, your rules, your house. Just make it clear "no shoes on the couch, clean up your dishes, and no sex under my roof." The end.

Totally agree. Open and accepting people do not talk about sex or kids this way. Teens can have loving relationships whether or not they are sexually active, and emotionally healthy people don’t consider it to involve “banging”. What a depressing post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you mind if I ask for the list, I'm not really worried about him breaking any, but he's been such a nervous wreck (doing dishes at 3 am, cleaning bathrooms, washing our cars etc) and I think giving him a clear list of what's allowed will ease that part of it

Oh, poor sweetheart. This breaks my heart to read.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think I would tell him that he's going through an awful lot; that he is welcome to stay; but that you think it is probably best if he and your daughter cool things for a few months at least. Let him just be your son's friend, staying at your house, but not also involved with your daughter. That way, there's less danger of emotional stuff between them getting in the way of the fact that he needs a place to stay. He's got a lot going on he needs to focus on and it isn't a god idea to be dating someone who lives in your house.

I mean, they might not listen to you. But you can at least suggest it.

Also tell him to stop cleaning things at 3 am. He needs his sleep and so do you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think I would tell him that he's going through an awful lot; that he is welcome to stay; but that you think it is probably best if he and your daughter cool things for a few months at least. Let him just be your son's friend, staying at your house, but not also involved with your daughter. That way, there's less danger of emotional stuff between them getting in the way of the fact that he needs a place to stay. He's got a lot going on he needs to focus on and it isn't a god idea to be dating someone who lives in your house.

I mean, they might not listen to you. But you can at least suggest it.

Also tell him to stop cleaning things at 3 am. He needs his sleep and so do you!

My wife talked to our daughter about possiblity of contingency plans , which caused her great consternation and not a small amount of sass. And then my tells me that she talked to him about what the plan would be if they decide it's not working, before my wife even mentioned it. Don't you love teenagers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

Daughter should be on some form of birth control if she is sexually active. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

Daughter should be on some form of birth control if she is sexually active. Period.

She is, not sure what type. My wife handled that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we took in a teenager, we wrote up a list of house rules, and went over them with the kid. We pointed out that there were two specific rules that if broken, would result in being kicked out immediately.

We went over the rules a month into the situation to see which ones needed to be edited, could be taken out, needed to be added, and we asked the kid for their input on this so they felt it was fair.

It worked fine for 2.5 years until they went to college. Keep in mind they won't always do things your way but as long as it doesn't really matter, let it go. Pick your battles.

Do you mind if I ask for the list, I'm not really worried about him breaking any, but he's been such a nervous wreck (doing dishes at 3 am, cleaning bathrooms, washing our cars etc) and I think giving him a clear list of what's allowed will ease that part of it

It was stuff like shoes off when coming inside, no food or drink in bedroom/outside of kitchen and dining room, no cursing in front of the younger kids, must ask permission to go places after school and to have friends over, if you break something fix it or tell us, if you make a mess clean it up and if it’s too overwhelming ask us for help, must leave by X time for school, must do laundry once a week, etc. basically we started with rules about taking care of their space and giving them structure in a household, which was something they’d lacked. Then we added two household chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we took in a teenager, we wrote up a list of house rules, and went over them with the kid. We pointed out that there were two specific rules that if broken, would result in being kicked out immediately.

We went over the rules a month into the situation to see which ones needed to be edited, could be taken out, needed to be added, and we asked the kid for their input on this so they felt it was fair.

It worked fine for 2.5 years until they went to college. Keep in mind they won't always do things your way but as long as it doesn't really matter, let it go. Pick your battles.

Do you mind if I ask for the list, I'm not really worried about him breaking any, but he's been such a nervous wreck (doing dishes at 3 am, cleaning bathrooms, washing our cars etc) and I think giving him a clear list of what's allowed will ease that part of it

It was stuff like shoes off when coming inside, no food or drink in bedroom/outside of kitchen and dining room, no cursing in front of the younger kids, must ask permission to go places after school and to have friends over, if you break something fix it or tell us, if you make a mess clean it up and if it’s too overwhelming ask us for help, must leave by X time for school, must do laundry once a week, etc. basically we started with rules about taking care of their space and giving them structure in a household, which was something they’d lacked. Then we added two household chores.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Why are you so hang up on sex? Young people are having much less sex than you old farts.

Op here, given the fact he's a complete nervous wreck whose practically jumping at our shadows I doubt he's having sex right now, although I know that could change at any moment but I'm not particularly worried.

I think you are being pretty delusional right there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Why are you so hang up on sex? Young people are having much less sex than you old farts.

Op here, given the fact he's a complete nervous wreck whose practically jumping at our shadows I doubt he's having sex right now, although I know that could change at any moment but I'm not particularly worried.

I think you are being pretty delusional right there

17 year olds are at the average age for first time sex. Get the kid(s) on birth control and make it really inconvenient for them to have sex. That’s all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Why are you so hang up on sex? Young people are having much less sex than you old farts.

Op here, given the fact he's a complete nervous wreck whose practically jumping at our shadows I doubt he's having sex right now, although I know that could change at any moment but I'm not particularly worried.

I think you are being pretty delusional right there

17 year olds are at the average age for first time sex. Get the kid(s) on birth control and make it really inconvenient for them to have sex. That’s all you can do.

Pretty hard to do that when you let them live in the same house

[Anonymous]

OMG. OP already said dd is on birth control and they’ve discussed the dating situation. Can we please drop it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. OP already said dd is on birth control and they’ve discussed the dating situation. Can we please drop it??

Well it's inappropriate for them to play house and a big mess especially if they break up

[Anonymous]

You are a really good person, OP. I wish all of you the best, the boy included. Poor guy.

Does he have health insurance? Random, I know. Just thought he may need therapy down the road and he might want to access that with the good structure you are providing. Once he can let his guard down a bit.

[Anonymous]

OP, what they teach in foster parent training is applicable to your family. He is a young person who has lived through trauma and has become unmoored. He needs reassurance that he is safe. He is going into overpleasing drive in order to prove his worth and protect from “real” living on the street homelessness. He is jumpy because anything could set off drunk Dad. Just like a person who has been in a car accident gets all jumpy and nervous in the car, same here. He is accustomed to walking on eggshells so it may not be you, he will be like that any where.

Private check ins by you and your wife with him about how he is doing, feeling, what is he afraid of etc.

A chore list for all kids will help him. If he’s up at 3am washing dishes, maybe he got up to eat in the middle of the night? Just ask him why he is doing it. Speaking to the school counselor, I hope hope hope, will be helpful. As he needs health insurance. If school offers mental health counseling that may be ok, but he may need external counseling and Medicaid can cover it.

Look up resources online regarding teens in foster care, or abused teens and foster care. You may find helpful information.