Our daughters boyfriend is now living with us, what are some realistic boundaries to set

[Anonymous]

We've known him since early middle school he's a very sweet, responsible kid but his father is an abusive drunk and he's been sleeping in my son's room(they are close friends, that's how we know him) at least once a week for a couple years now, about 3 months ago my daughter mentioned to my wife that they we're dating and under the circumstances we weren't really that worried about the occasional sleepover my wife made sure she was on birth control and understood safe sex and consent and everything.
However quarantine and summer have been really bad for the bf, his father lost his job and he doesn't have the escape of school so about two weeks ago he shows up with a backpack and fresh black eye asking if he can stay for a while, obviously we say yes and he's been sleeping on our sofa. the dynamic so far seems pretty workable for now, he's a good kid very respectful and helpful around the house although he has been walking on eggshells. But I know teenagers and that we have to lay down some ground rules about doors open curfews and the like.

I know this situation could become ugly very quickly especially regarding a potential breakup and I Know I'd have to take my daughters side but at the same time I don't want to throw him out on the street, or make them feel like they can't end things because of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Oh I forget to mention son and daughter and bf are all 17 and rising seniors

[Anonymous]

Where is the bf’s mother? Do you have any contact with the abusive father? How much longer until the child is 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the bf’s mother? Do you have any contact with the abusive father? How much longer until the child is 18?

All I know is the mother has not been in the picture for a long time, not really the last time I had a conversation with him I seriously considered shooting him not to mention there's been no attempts to contact us or find there son in period he's been gone. and he's gonna be 18 in about 8 months

[Anonymous]

If he's staying, do you have an extra bedroom or is son willing to share his room. I would establish very firm boundaries and get the kid a bed and dresser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's staying, do you have an extra bedroom or is son willing to share his room. I would establish very firm boundaries and get the kid a bed and dresser.

He's currently sleeping in the basement on a sofa bed and he has his own closet, we are thinking about putting some curtain up to give him a bit more privacy, and what boundaries were you thinking of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's staying, do you have an extra bedroom or is son willing to share his room. I would establish very firm boundaries and get the kid a bed and dresser.

He's currently sleeping in the basement on a sofa bed and he has his own closet, we are thinking about putting some curtain up to give him a bit more privacy, and what boundaries were you thinking of?

I would get him a bed and curtain.

Boundaries in terms of the kids interactions/sex.

[Anonymous]

Did you report the father for having given the kid a black eye?

[Anonymous]

You are good people.

[Anonymous]

You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Good luck with that

[Anonymous]

You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. You are doing a good, kind thing and possibly saving a life, literally or metaphorically. Are you equipped to help him navigate any college exploration he will need to do this year, assuming college is an option for him? Clearly his father is checked out, though he’ll need his father to fill out a financial aid form and who knows what else.

[Anonymous]

No real advice - just posting to say that you and your husband are generous and kind people. BF sounds like a great young person and I hope he is doing well now.

[Anonymous]

YOu are good people. I would not report the dad at this point b/c once this is on the record he may not have as safe and loving place to stay.