Our daughters boyfriend is now living with us, what are some realistic boundaries to set

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are good people.

Yes. God bless you

[Anonymous]

I'd check what it takes to be independent or emancipated per the FASFA in case he can get it done so that he will qualify for a ton of financial aid when he applies to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd check what it takes to be independent or emancipated per the FASFA in case he can get it done so that he will qualify for a ton of financial aid when he applies to college.

Since it's become clear this isn't a weekend visit we've been looking into starting the process

[Anonymous]

Focus on what you can do to get this young man launched -- to college, with aid. Trying to perfect the here-and-now is so unimportant compared to helping this young man launch into independent adulthood. And he's close.

[Anonymous]

Op, you write a college recommendation. You mention all of this. He applies widely. Some college admittance reader will take notice and help, most likely.

[Anonymous]

If you have already put your DD on BC, I see no reason why you should punish these kids for having sex. Realistic boundaries is to have them have their own space, bedrooms and not worry about them having sex.

Realistic boundaries is to make sure that the kid has therapy and make good choices. Make sure that he gets what he can from his dad through the use of state help or court order etc - medical care, childcare etc. Do a gofundme so that he can have money to apply to colleges etc.

Realistic boundaries - he will apply to college, he will (along with your kids) do chores around the house. Give all the kids chores. Give them a time table and be firm about college application deadlines. Help this kid as if he is one of your own and make sure that he is not drowning. Failure is not an option regardless of if the relationship with your DD comes to fruition.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the thought that this kid needs stability and assurance that he won't be back on the street if they do break up. At the same time, your daughter needs that same reassurance that even though her bf is living there, she doesn't need to continue to date him if that's not her choice. It might be good for her to get some therapy too, just to have someone to bounce thoughts off of because this is a pretty intense thing to deal with even as a friend, not to mention girlfriend/roommate(foster sister?)

[Anonymous]

Where do people want teens to have sex? In the car? Get a grip. The worry here is relationship drama, break ups, and a difficult dynamic among the 3 kids. If they are having sex, whatever. They are 17. I wish I wanted to have sex like I did back then.

The other worry is that the kid's dad decides to become aggressive or violent with OP's family.

Worrying about teens having sex is wasted time, IMHO. Work on the other stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on what you can do to get this young man launched -- to college, with aid. Trying to perfect the here-and-now is so unimportant compared to helping this young man launch into independent adulthood. And he's close.

This!! My boyfriend also moved in with us when I was a senior in high school. My parents gave him tons of chores and he was thrilled to be a part of a family. His parents were divorced and his mom was always off with other boyfriends- leaving my boyfriend without food or money for weeks. He was really hungry. He should have emancipated himself because his dad was wealthy and he really got screwed over with college because of his dads income. Dad wouldn’t give him money or help (said his mom should pay because it was in their divorce decree but mom refused too). Anyways we helped him a lot with college apps. But the money aspect was really hard. He ended up at a community college because it was all he could afford while working. He couldn’t get enough loans for the state college he wanted.

[Anonymous]

I'm impressed with the way you're handling this, OP. Not only is this boy lucky, but your own kids are obviously very fortunate to have you for a father, as well. Best wishes to you all.

[Anonymous]

When we took in a teenager, we wrote up a list of house rules, and went over them with the kid. We pointed out that there were two specific rules that if broken, would result in being kicked out immediately.

We went over the rules a month into the situation to see which ones needed to be edited, could be taken out, needed to be added, and we asked the kid for their input on this so they felt it was fair.

It worked fine for 2.5 years until they went to college. Keep in mind they won't always do things your way but as long as it doesn't really matter, let it go. Pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

It's interesting that you phrased it that way, instead of "there's no way we were going to allow our daughters to bang their boyfriends in our own house."

Whatever. My view still stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

It's interesting that you phrased it that way, instead of "there's no way we were going to allow our daughters to bang their boyfriends in our own house."

Totally agree. Why wouldn't the daughter be her own person with her own desires and notions of consent? In other words, an active participant in "the banging" (ugh) vs an object to be banged. If you think women are just passive recipients of the banging, there are are probably some deeply ingrained misogynistic ideas going on. To OP, your rules, your house. Just make it clear "no shoes on the couch, clean up your dishes, and no sex under my roof." The end.

I have daughters. Not sons. If I had sons I wouldn't want girls coming to my house to bang them either. Gender is irrelevant. I expect guests in our house to respect us. Respect from our own kids is a given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we took in a teenager, we wrote up a list of house rules, and went over them with the kid. We pointed out that there were two specific rules that if broken, would result in being kicked out immediately.

We went over the rules a month into the situation to see which ones needed to be edited, could be taken out, needed to be added, and we asked the kid for their input on this so they felt it was fair.

It worked fine for 2.5 years until they went to college. Keep in mind they won't always do things your way but as long as it doesn't really matter, let it go. Pick your battles.

Do you mind if I ask for the list, I'm not really worried about him breaking any, but he's been such a nervous wreck (doing dishes at 3 am, cleaning bathrooms, washing our cars etc) and I think giving him a clear list of what's allowed will ease that part of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on what you can do to get this young man launched -- to college, with aid. Trying to perfect the here-and-now is so unimportant compared to helping this young man launch into independent adulthood. And he's close.

We are doing what we can but that is a separate conversation from maintaining the home