Our daughters boyfriend is now living with us, what are some realistic boundaries to set

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also forgot to add- he is technically homeless because he is sharing housing due to economic hardships. He doesn’t have the economic means to get his own housing so is sleeping on your couch. That meets the federal education definition of homeless.

So if OP were to set him up with independent housing, this could negatively impact his ability to pay for college?

I am not an expert but then it seems he wouldn’t meet the federal education definition of homeless. Since he is sharing housing due to economic reasons then he is homeless.

https://osse.dc.gov/page/unaccompanied-homeless-youth-documentation-independent-student-status-fafsa-and-dctag
With the passage of the Every Student Succeeds Act (ESSA) which amended the McKinney-Vento Homeless Assistance Act (MKV), local education agency (LEA) homeless liaisons are now required to:

Inform unaccompanied homeless youth of their status as an independent student when applying for college financial aid; and
Help unaccompanied homeless youth to obtain assistance to receive verification for the FAFSA. 20 U.S.C. §11432(g)(6)(A)(x)(III).
Effective beginning in the 2017-18 school year, LEA and school-based homeless liaisons can complete this verification form on behalf of their identified unaccompanied homeless students who are applying for college financial aid. The completed form waives the requirement to report parents’/guardians’ financial information.

School counselors are required to advise, prepare, and improve the readiness of all youth experiencing homelessness for college. 20 U.S.C. §11432(g)(1)(K)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

I'm not going to throw him out on the street without a damn good reason and them maybe having sex doesn't qualify

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

I'm not going to throw him out on the street without a damn good reason and them maybe having sex doesn't qualify

Bless you, OP. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

I'm not going to throw him out on the street without a damn good reason and them maybe having sex doesn't qualify

Bless you, OP. Really.

Eh, he's like a son to me and im protective of my cubs

[Anonymous]

OP you are a really good person and may be making a life changing difference to this kid. It sounds like you’ve got some good help and ideas on the legal end. Regarding the family end, I’d talk to the kids each separately about the things you mentioned then have a family meeting and get it all out. Think of saying, hey this is a weird hard situation nobody expects to be in. Let’s make the best of this. He is probably terrified of ending up back with his dad, and worn out from years of the stress of that situation. Let him know he’s got a safe home, and what you expect of everyone in the house to make it work. Fix up a private space for him to sleep and study and hang out so he feels like he’s got an area of his own like your own kids do.
Then tell everyone because it’s a weird hard situation you’ll be having a family meeting to check in every two weeks (or whatever seems reasonable to you) on how it’s working and what could be improved.
Best thing you can do for him long term is help him figure out college and a path forward. He’s going to need to find a way to make it on his own sooner than most kids so that he’s not forced to go back to his dad out of desperation.

It’s not that I wouldn’t be concerned about boundaries with sex or an unplanned pregnancy. It’s that this is an emergency and you’ve got a traumatized kid with you and you have to get the emergency stuff sorted out first.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about what happens if he breaks up with your daughter? His in a position where he’s depending on his girlfriend’s family for shelter. I think that puts both of them in a difficult position

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are a really good person and may be making a life changing difference to this kid. It sounds like you’ve got some good help and ideas on the legal end. Regarding the family end, I’d talk to the kids each separately about the things you mentioned then have a family meeting and get it all out. Think of saying, hey this is a weird hard situation nobody expects to be in. Let’s make the best of this. He is probably terrified of ending up back with his dad, and worn out from years of the stress of that situation. Let him know he’s got a safe home, and what you expect of everyone in the house to make it work. Fix up a private space for him to sleep and study and hang out so he feels like he’s got an area of his own like your own kids do.
Then tell everyone because it’s a weird hard situation you’ll be having a family meeting to check in every two weeks (or whatever seems reasonable to you) on how it’s working and what could be improved.
Best thing you can do for him long term is help him figure out college and a path forward. He’s going to need to find a way to make it on his own sooner than most kids so that he’s not forced to go back to his dad out of desperation.

It’s not that I wouldn’t be concerned about boundaries with sex or an unplanned pregnancy. It’s that this is an emergency and you’ve got a traumatized kid with you and you have to get the emergency stuff sorted out first.

I really like the idea of the of the bi weekly check in I'm definitely gonna do that

[Anonymous]

Cps will not help a 17 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

I'm not going to throw him out on the street without a damn good reason and them maybe having sex doesn't qualify

Bless you, OP. Really.

Eh, he's like a son to me and im protective of my cubs

You’re a good person. I can’t imagine how his parents could treat him like this but he’s lucky to have you and your family. I hope he does well in life. He deserves it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on what you can do to get this young man launched -- to college, with aid. Trying to perfect the here-and-now is so unimportant compared to helping this young man launch into independent adulthood. And he's close.

This!! My boyfriend also moved in with us when I was a senior in high school. My parents gave him tons of chores and he was thrilled to be a part of a family. His parents were divorced and his mom was always off with other boyfriends- leaving my boyfriend without food or money for weeks. He was really hungry. He should have emancipated himself because his dad was wealthy and he really got screwed over with college because of his dads income. Dad wouldn’t give him money or help (said his mom should pay because it was in their divorce decree but mom refused too). Anyways we helped him a lot with college apps. But the money aspect was really hard. He ended up at a community college because it was all he could afford while working. He couldn’t get enough loans for the state college he wanted.

Wow. This is sad. Wonder what became of him.

He's doing okay. We ended up dating through college and then parted ways. We're both married to others. He did 2 years at community college then transferred to my university. He always had to work 40 hours a week during school and my parents got him a really well paying internship at my dad's company during summers. In some ways I think it was harder for him to see such a normal family like mine; beforehand he thought his life was really normal and didn't know there were happy families out there.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound awesome. Lots of good advice here - but I definitely think you should work with the school counselor to identify a therapist for him. This kid must feel incredibly unmoored and confused processing the abuse of his dad, the abandonment of his mom and being with a family that offers the stability that his own family never offered him. It’s a really tough place for a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Why are you so hang up on sex? Young people are having much less sex than you old farts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Why are you so hang up on sex? Young people are having much less sex than you old farts.

Op here, given the fact he's a complete nervous wreck whose practically jumping at our shadows I doubt he's having sex right now, although I know that could change at any moment but I'm not particularly worried.

[Anonymous]

No advice but my DD just ended a relationship with her twin brothers good friend and oh boy it gets messy FAST. Like seriously messy. I can’t even imagine what would happen if he lived in our house. Tread very, very carefully. I also really care about this boy and if he were in need I’d feel the same way you do, but now that they are broken up… oh boy. Words cannot even express.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

I'm not going to throw him out on the street without a damn good reason and them maybe having sex doesn't qualify

Bless you, OP. Really.

+1