Our daughters boyfriend is now living with us, what are some realistic boundaries to set

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do people want teens to have sex? In the car? Get a grip. The worry here is relationship drama, break ups, and a difficult dynamic among the 3 kids. If they are having sex, whatever. They are 17. I wish I wanted to have sex like I did back then.

The other worry is that the kid's dad decides to become aggressive or violent with OP's family.

Worrying about teens having sex is wasted time, IMHO. Work on the other stuff.

Fortunately the father is an out of punching range out of mind type

[Anonymous]

Because the BF is still technically a minor there are some legal issues to consider. For example, since you aren't his legal guardian you can't make health care decisions for him (don't kids under 18 have to get parental/guardian consent to get a COVID vaccine?). I imagine there could also be issues with the school in that there are certain things that require parental/guardian notification/consent.

I think it's great that you are doing this and agree that a household conversation is a good idea. If you are considering this a long-term/permanent solution, then you may be best served to either get him emancipated or establish yourselves as guardians.

[Anonymous]

You should contact the homeless liaison for your school district. He is technically an unaccompanied homeless youth even though he has shelter under your roof. This will help him when and if he applies to college. He won’t have to have any parent fill out the falsa if he is designated as unaccompanied homeless, which he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the BF is still technically a minor there are some legal issues to consider. For example, since you aren't his legal guardian you can't make health care decisions for him (don't kids under 18 have to get parental/guardian consent to get a COVID vaccine?). I imagine there could also be issues with the school in that there are certain things that require parental/guardian notification/consent.

I think it's great that you are doing this and agree that a household conversation is a good idea. If you are considering this a long-term/permanent solution, then you may be best served to either get him emancipated or establish yourselves as guardians.

We're working on getting him emacipated and in college we have a lawyer I want to stay more focused on the family aspect of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should contact the homeless liaison for your school district. He is technically an unaccompanied homeless youth even though he has shelter under your roof. This will help him when and if he applies to college. He won’t have to have any parent fill out the falsa if he is designated as unaccompanied homeless, which he is.

Forgot to add. Legal emancipation process seems like it can be expensive and lengthy. There might not be time before the falsa is due. It is critical that a school counselor or homeless liaison somewhere documents that he is an unaccompanied homeless youth that left home because of abuse. He won’t have to get his parents to fill out fafsa, and once accepted to college probably will be eligible for extra programs for foster/homeless youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should contact the homeless liaison for your school district. He is technically an unaccompanied homeless youth even though he has shelter under your roof. This will help him when and if he applies to college. He won’t have to have any parent fill out the falsa if he is designated as unaccompanied homeless, which he is.

Forgot to add. Legal emancipation process seems like it can be expensive and lengthy. There might not be time before the falsa is due. It is critical that a school counselor or homeless liaison somewhere documents that he is an unaccompanied homeless youth that left home because of abuse. He won’t have to get his parents to fill out fafsa, and once accepted to college probably will be eligible for extra programs for foster/homeless youth.

This is a route we are pursuing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should contact the homeless liaison for your school district. He is technically an unaccompanied homeless youth even though he has shelter under your roof. This will help him when and if he applies to college. He won’t have to have any parent fill out the falsa if he is designated as unaccompanied homeless, which he is.

Forgot to add. Legal emancipation process seems like it can be expensive and lengthy. There might not be time before the falsa is due. It is critical that a school counselor or homeless liaison somewhere documents that he is an unaccompanied homeless youth that left home because of abuse. He won’t have to get his parents to fill out fafsa, and once accepted to college probably will be eligible for extra programs for foster/homeless youth.

This is a route we are pursuing

This is great advice. My kids (twins) are headed off to college in a week and I recall the pain of completing the FAFSA form. I can only imagine the stumbling block it is to children who do not have parental support but need financial assistance to attend college. OP, I am glad you are pursuing this for this young man. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Also forgot to add- he is technically homeless because he is sharing housing due to economic hardships. He doesn’t have the economic means to get his own housing so is sleeping on your couch. That meets the federal education definition of homeless.

[Anonymous]

Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on what you can do to get this young man launched -- to college, with aid. Trying to perfect the here-and-now is so unimportant compared to helping this young man launch into independent adulthood. And he's close.

This!! My boyfriend also moved in with us when I was a senior in high school. My parents gave him tons of chores and he was thrilled to be a part of a family. His parents were divorced and his mom was always off with other boyfriends- leaving my boyfriend without food or money for weeks. He was really hungry. He should have emancipated himself because his dad was wealthy and he really got screwed over with college because of his dads income. Dad wouldn’t give him money or help (said his mom should pay because it was in their divorce decree but mom refused too). Anyways we helped him a lot with college apps. But the money aspect was really hard. He ended up at a community college because it was all he could afford while working. He couldn’t get enough loans for the state college he wanted.

Wow. This is sad. Wonder what became of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

OP has already stated dd is on birth control.

In addition to the other advice about contacting the school, I would think about buying a futon for him in the basement and set it up a little more nicely for him.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs that really carving out a space for him downstairs will help with establishing boundaries and allowing separation when needed. Agree that the sex is the least of your worries (since you're handling the birth control), but personally, I would insist that everyone sleeps in their own bed, if for no other reason than to reinforce that these are private spaces.

I don't know if you have a chores list for your other kids, but maybe if you drew something like that up, he could relax a little and not feel like he's on eggshells. A famliy meeting could put everyone at ease.

I like the idea of talking with the kids individually, especially given the potential weirdness of the dynamic should the romance or friendship end. That said, your whole family is making a commitment to a person who has been traumatized--to really help him, this needs to be a stable home and not "one strike and you're out" or it only works as long as everyone is happy. Be sure that everyone is willing to make that level of commitment, because less than that can do more harm. You seem to already know this on a gut level.

As others have said, bless you and your family for stepping up for this kid. Hoping that all of you thrive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also forgot to add- he is technically homeless because he is sharing housing due to economic hardships. He doesn’t have the economic means to get his own housing so is sleeping on your couch. That meets the federal education definition of homeless.

So if OP were to set him up with independent housing, this could negatively impact his ability to pay for college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the thought that this kid needs stability and assurance that he won't be back on the street if they do break up. At the same time, your daughter needs that same reassurance that even though her bf is living there, she doesn't need to continue to date him if that's not her choice. It might be good for her to get some therapy too, just to have someone to bounce thoughts off of because this is a pretty intense thing to deal with even as a friend, not to mention girlfriend/roommate(foster sister?)

Please pay attention to the bolded, whatever you do.

[Anonymous]

Is the HS school aware of his situation? Have you spoken to the counselor at school? Any shot you could become his guardian? Thank you for stepping up and helping out this kid.