Our daughters boyfriend is now living with us, what are some realistic boundaries to set

[Anonymous]

Just ran across this thread. Wasn't this literally the plot of the show Roseanne with David moving in with the Connor's while dating and then breaking up with Darlene?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what they teach in foster parent training is applicable to your family. He is a young person who has lived through trauma and has become unmoored. He needs reassurance that he is safe. He is going into overpleasing drive in order to prove his worth and protect from “real” living on the street homelessness. He is jumpy because anything could set off drunk Dad. Just like a person who has been in a car accident gets all jumpy and nervous in the car, same here. He is accustomed to walking on eggshells so it may not be you, he will be like that any where.

Private check ins by you and your wife with him about how he is doing, feeling, what is he afraid of etc.

A chore list for all kids will help him. If he’s up at 3am washing dishes, maybe he got up to eat in the middle of the night? Just ask him why he is doing it. Speaking to the school counselor, I hope hope hope, will be helpful. As he needs health insurance. If school offers mental health counseling that may be ok, but he may need external counseling and Medicaid can cover it.

Look up resources online regarding teens in foster care, or abused teens and foster care. You may find helpful information.

Thank you the foster care advice and online resources are appreciated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. OP already said dd is on birth control and they’ve discussed the dating situation. Can we please drop it??

Well it's inappropriate for them to play house and a big mess especially if they break up

The kid was beat up by his dad, and turned to his best buddy's parents for help and a safe place to sleep. He also happens to have started dating his best bud's (twin?) sister but that may well be the least important relationship here right now. Stop accusing him of "playing house".

[Anonymous]

You are really nice.

My dad was an abusive drunk, I spent an entire summer at my boyfriends house. I respected his parents so much and always followed every rule. They treated me as their own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what they teach in foster parent training is applicable to your family. He is a young person who has lived through trauma and has become unmoored. He needs reassurance that he is safe. He is going into overpleasing drive in order to prove his worth and protect from “real” living on the street homelessness. He is jumpy because anything could set off drunk Dad. Just like a person who has been in a car accident gets all jumpy and nervous in the car, same here. He is accustomed to walking on eggshells so it may not be you, he will be like that any where.

Private check ins by you and your wife with him about how he is doing, feeling, what is he afraid of etc.

A chore list for all kids will help him. If he’s up at 3am washing dishes, maybe he got up to eat in the middle of the night? Just ask him why he is doing it. Speaking to the school counselor, I hope hope hope, will be helpful. As he needs health insurance. If school offers mental health counseling that may be ok, but he may need external counseling and Medicaid can cover it.

Look up resources online regarding teens in foster care, or abused teens and foster care. You may find helpful information.

Thank you the foster care advice and online resources are appreciated

PP back again with some specific resources:
Fosterparentcollege.com online courses include helpful written materials on:
trauma informed parenting. The child’s trauma, abuse and neglect, alcoholism, inform behaviors and how you parent.
Reducing Family Stress course
Supporting Normalcy
Preparing Teens for Post Secondary Education

Also dcfapac.org Foster and Adoptive Advocacy Center has parent peer groups, courses. Great group and I bet if you just reached out to them someone would talk you through things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what they teach in foster parent training is applicable to your family. He is a young person who has lived through trauma and has become unmoored. He needs reassurance that he is safe. He is going into overpleasing drive in order to prove his worth and protect from “real” living on the street homelessness. He is jumpy because anything could set off drunk Dad. Just like a person who has been in a car accident gets all jumpy and nervous in the car, same here. He is accustomed to walking on eggshells so it may not be you, he will be like that any where.

Private check ins by you and your wife with him about how he is doing, feeling, what is he afraid of etc.

A chore list for all kids will help him. If he’s up at 3am washing dishes, maybe he got up to eat in the middle of the night? Just ask him why he is doing it. Speaking to the school counselor, I hope hope hope, will be helpful. As he needs health insurance. If school offers mental health counseling that may be ok, but he may need external counseling and Medicaid can cover it.

Look up resources online regarding teens in foster care, or abused teens and foster care. You may find helpful information.

Thank you the foster care advice and online resources are appreciated

PP back again with some specific resources:
Fosterparentcollege.com online courses include helpful written materials on:
trauma informed parenting. The child’s trauma, abuse and neglect, alcoholism, inform behaviors and how you parent.
Reducing Family Stress course
Supporting Normalcy
Preparing Teens for Post Secondary Education

Also dcfapac.org Foster and Adoptive Advocacy Center has parent peer groups, courses. Great group and I bet if you just reached out to them someone would talk you through things.

Thank you so much

[Anonymous]

Does the father know the kid is staying at your house? Wonder what is needed to create a safe situation so he can stay with you all. Can you help him think about getting emancipated from his father? Would likely help in applying for colleges and not having to provide income from his dad, which he is unlikely to provide based on what’s been said, in order to get financial aid. They was a good article in NYT recently on supporting kids going through grief and letting them know you are there to listen and check in and be their rock. Have you let him know that he can count on you? Also communicate this to your daughter so she knows that he stays) so hopefully she understands that and something for her for her to think through now with regards to their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the father know the kid is staying at your house? Wonder what is needed to create a safe situation so he can stay with you all. Can you help him think about getting emancipated from his father? Would likely help in applying for colleges and not having to provide income from his dad, which he is unlikely to provide based on what’s been said, in order to get financial aid. They was a good article in NYT recently on supporting kids going through grief and letting them know you are there to listen and check in and be their rock. Have you let him know that he can count on you? Also communicate this to your daughter so she knows that he stays) so hopefully she understands that and something for her for her to think through now with regards to their relationship.

I honestly have no clue if the dad knows where he is, and frankly I don't think he cares

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

Daughter should be on some form of birth control if she is sexually active. Period.

She is, not sure what type. My wife handled that.

You should be involved in your daughters medical decisions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

Daughter should be on some form of birth control if she is sexually active. Period.

She is, not sure what type. My wife handled that.

You should be involved in your daughters medical decisions

Not everyone in the household needs to be involved in the daughter’s birth control. She’s 17, FFS, not 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

Daughter should be on some form of birth control if she is sexually active. Period.

She is, not sure what type. My wife handled that.

You should be involved in your daughters medical decisions

Not everyone in the household needs to be involved in the daughter’s birth control. She’s 17, FFS, not 13.

What is it with people having truly terrible takes in this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

Daughter should be on some form of birth control if she is sexually active. Period.

She is, not sure what type. My wife handled that.

You should be involved in your daughters medical decisions

Not everyone in the household needs to be involved in the daughter’s birth control. She’s 17, FFS, not 13.

What is it with people having truly terrible takes in this thread

WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you want your daughter to be a single mother I wouldn't recommend keeping this kid around. See if his mom will take him

Daughter should be on some form of birth control if she is sexually active. Period.

She is, not sure what type. My wife handled that.

You should be involved in your daughters medical decisions

Not everyone in the household needs to be involved in the daughter’s birth control. She’s 17, FFS, not 13.

What is it with people having truly terrible takes in this thread

WTF

Pp here I was referring to the person talking about medical decisions