Our daughters boyfriend is now living with us, what are some realistic boundaries to set

[Anonymous]

Not your choice whether to repeat the abuse. And you might not be able to keep him if you do -CPS might place him somewhere.

You have sound instincts, OP. Go with those on boundaries. I would say that everyone sleeps in their own bed and go from there. Declaring “no sex” after making sure she is on BC is closing the door after the horse is out of the barn, and will just look punitive and silly.

Please get therapy for the young man. Growing up with that kind of dad will impact him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you report the father for having given the kid a black eye?

Yes we had him make a statement at the police station

[Anonymous]

Wow you are nice people.

But keep a close eye on the dating between your daughter and the boyfriend. What if the boyfriend acts like his Dad when he's angry? Have you seen the boyfriend angry?

Now would be a good time to get in touch with/find out about the boyfriend's extended family (aunts, grandparents) to see who he could live with if it doesn't work out at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

It's interesting that you phrased it that way, instead of "there's no way we were going to allow our daughters to bang their boyfriends in our own house."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Yeah no..... I'm not throwing this kid out unless I absolutely have to, even if I'm not allowing them to sleep in the same bed or anything like that I'm definitely not kicking him out just because they have sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

At 17 it’s not a matter of “allowing” it. You must try to make having sex as inconvenient but safe as possible.

[Anonymous]

How close are they to 18?

[Anonymous]

Senior year I would give him his own room (if you have it) and expect him to sleep there.

I’d put my daughter on the pill and give her condoms. since they clearly don’t have money.


Id tell them I’d expect them not to have sex but know it will happen.

That being said, when COVID hit my freshman in college son’s girlfriend moved in with us and lived in his room,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You, your DH and the kids need to have a conversation. Set the rules and make sure they both understand that this is a one strike, you’re out situation. The high stakes should keep them in line. Since they are 17, I would insist on no sex and whatever else you feel in important (helping with chores etc). I might print out the rule list and have them sign it. Do you have younger children in the house? BTW, you are doing a good thing.

Yeah no..... I'm not throwing this kid out unless I absolutely have to, even if I'm not allowing them to sleep in the same bed or anything like that I'm definitely not kicking him out just because they have sex

I'm glad you responded to this, OK, because I was horrified at that advice.

PP, you'd send a 17 yo back to an abusive father for having sex? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

It's interesting that you phrased it that way, instead of "there's no way we were going to allow our daughters to bang their boyfriends in our own house."

Come on.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you're doing all the right things.

[Anonymous]

I’d think through what happens if they no longer want to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d think through what happens if they no longer want to date.

Yes, it might be prudent to have some back-up plans and discuss them with your daughter and the boy, so that everyone is clear that he won't be back out on the street (or back with his father) if the two of them break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to report the father to the authorities for abuse.

Then you should ask yourself, if the situation were different, would you allow the BF and the daughter to have sex in your house? If the answer is no, it should be no different now that her sex partner is actually living in the house.

We raised daughters in an open, liberal, and accepting household. We're not prudes or religious zealots. But there's no way we were going to allow boys to bang our daughters in our own house. It's a complete lack of respect.

It's interesting that you phrased it that way, instead of "there's no way we were going to allow our daughters to bang their boyfriends in our own house."

Totally agree. Why wouldn't the daughter be her own person with her own desires and notions of consent? In other words, an active participant in "the banging" (ugh) vs an object to be banged. If you think women are just passive recipients of the banging, there are are probably some deeply ingrained misogynistic ideas going on. To OP, your rules, your house. Just make it clear "no shoes on the couch, clean up your dishes, and no sex under my roof." The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d think through what happens if they no longer want to date.

Yes, it might be prudent to have some back-up plans and discuss them with your daughter and the boy, so that everyone is clear that he won't be back out on the street (or back with his father) if the two of them break up.

I was planning on having separate conversations with both of them not least because it encourages them to have a separate conversation by themselves. But for him focus on reassuring him about having stability in housing and for her just talk about how she feels in this current situation and try to separate the boyfriend and family friend in need aspect