Family pressure for son’s name

[Anonymous]

I'm married to a guy from the Middle East. He isn't a fan of his country of origin, so he didn't have any attachment to traditions around names or otherwise. His family is Christian and they were pushing names like George, which was a nonstarter. OTOH I tested out a few names that I liked, like Liam, which I still remember his mother trying to pronounce, badly, with a face like she'd smelled bad fish. So I knocked those off the list. We ended up with first names that skewed traditional but still recognizable in the region (such as Alexander) and middle names that leaned a little more toward his country of origin. Our kids have a difficult to pronounce last name, which was one of the arguments for a more familiar first name. Everybody was happy.

That may not fly in your situation, but I'd suggest trying to find ways to build bridges even if you assert your right to name your own child (as you should!)

[Anonymous]

I know it’s tough, but I would go with the tradition. My kids love tradition and family heritage stuff. Your son may actually grow up to love his name and having that tie to his grandfather. My parents are from a different country and my kids love having middle names that are different and reflect something of that heritage.

Also, I have a lot of Greek friends, and they follow this to a T. Even half Greek friends, and again it’s a nice strong tie to their family. My friend’s legal name is Steve but to everyone in his family and the Greek community he is Stavros. It was no big deal. I call him both depending on the situation.

I would name him Henry (just an ex.), and the family can call him Hani.

But like others said, it’s your kid and at the end of the day your right to name him what you like.

[Anonymous]

You are so so very wrong, OP. You knew that you were marrying into this culture. Name your son "Hani" but introduce him by his middle name. Refusing will cause your DH to feel that you forced him to surrender a part of himself culturally.

I am from the South but DH and his parents balked at the idea of a "dry wedding" as most Europeans would. I compromised so that we served champagne and white wine because I knew that this was an important part of the culture into which I freely choose to marry. Woman up, OP.

-- Another Toxic Enforcer of Patriarchy

[Anonymous]

I’m amazed how many people feel a new mother should surrender her rights to name her own child to avoid upsetting her in laws. What about the reverse? Imagine having a daughter in law from a different culture and insisting she doesn’t have a right to name her own children? That would be pretty offensive/likely to cause a rift in my book.

As well, DH may say it “has” to be the first name, but here’s another place for compromise— Hani can be his middle name. No, it’s not the exact tradition. Yes, it does honor the person in question and the baby is still named for Hani. Expecting a mother to give more in a compromise than her in laws is a pretty sorry reflection of how people think women should be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so so very wrong, OP. You knew that you were marrying into this culture. Name your son "Hani" but introduce him by his middle name. Refusing will cause your DH to feel that you forced him to surrender a part of himself culturally.

I am from the South but DH and his parents balked at the idea of a "dry wedding" as most Europeans would. I compromised so that we served champagne and white wine because I knew that this was an important part of the culture into which I freely choose to marry. Woman up, OP.

-- Another Toxic Enforcer of Patriarchy

1. You didn’t compromise. You got 0% dry wedding. You just served fewer choices.

2. DH’s husband married freely into her culture as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many people feel a new mother should surrender her rights to name her own child to avoid upsetting her in laws. What about the reverse? Imagine having a daughter in law from a different culture and insisting she doesn’t have a right to name her own children? That would be pretty offensive/likely to cause a rift in my book.

As well, DH may say it “has” to be the first name, but here’s another place for compromise— Hani can be his middle name. No, it’s not the exact tradition. Yes, it does honor the person in question and the baby is still named for Hani. Expecting a mother to give more in a compromise than her in laws is a pretty sorry reflection of how people think women should be treated.

People aren’t saying she should surrender. OP herself says she likes her ILs and wants them to be happy with the name choice, and her DH also wants the name, so PPs are pointing out ways she can compromise to get BOTH things that SHE wants. If OP didn’t care about her ILs, or if her DH didn’t care, then she can name her kid whatever she wants and not have to worry about this tradition at all. But if SHE wants her DH and ILs to be happy, and she has said she does, then the only way to that end is through compromise.

[Anonymous]

I pushed back against my inlaws over things like changing my last name and they got over it eventually.

That said, I really like the name Hani. I see no teasing potential. Make sure this hill is worth killing the relationship over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We named our DD a first name she never uses. But we are not Arab.

I’m a white person who goes by my middle name. It’s not a big deal. First day of school teacher called out FIRSTNAME? I said actually I go by MIDDLENAME teacher stopped made a quick note. No problem.

OP - you can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many people feel a new mother should surrender her rights to name her own child to avoid upsetting her in laws. What about the reverse? Imagine having a daughter in law from a different culture and insisting she doesn’t have a right to name her own children? That would be pretty offensive/likely to cause a rift in my book.

As well, DH may say it “has” to be the first name, but here’s another place for compromise— Hani can be his middle name. No, it’s not the exact tradition. Yes, it does honor the person in question and the baby is still named for Hani. Expecting a mother to give more in a compromise than her in laws is a pretty sorry reflection of how people think women should be treated.

Compromise is necessary because it’s what her husband wants. You know, the other parent of the child?

[Anonymous]

I would never name my child something I didn't want to. I don't care how much dh or the inlaws want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many people feel a new mother should surrender her rights to name her own child to avoid upsetting her in laws. What about the reverse? Imagine having a daughter in law from a different culture and insisting she doesn’t have a right to name her own children? That would be pretty offensive/likely to cause a rift in my book.

As well, DH may say it “has” to be the first name, but here’s another place for compromise— Hani can be his middle name. No, it’s not the exact tradition. Yes, it does honor the person in question and the baby is still named for Hani. Expecting a mother to give more in a compromise than her in laws is a pretty sorry reflection of how people think women should be treated.

Compromise is necessary because it’s what her husband wants. You know, the other parent of the child?

Compromise doesn’t mean husband gets his way.

For most couples I know, each parent came up with a list of names and they decided on one together. Each also got veto power for names they really didn’t like.

One parent insisting the baby MUST have this name and offering zero alternatives is not a compromise.

[Anonymous]

How does your husband feel about this? You need to be on the same page as he is. I personally told my DH before we got married that there would be NO family names as first names. I was perfectly happy to use family names as middle names, but I was not continuing any legacies. My DH is the 3rd (sort of, they all have different middle names) and I wasn't going to keep doing that. It was way too confusing already in the family without adding a 3rd person with the same name.

We had this conversation before we got married, because I knew his family did it this way. I also felt that, as a woman, we always get shafted since the last name sort of defaults to the father's last name. I felt I should get more say in their first names since he essentially gets the last name PLUS I changed my last name. My DH is not a jerk, so he was open to my thoughts on this.

His family wasn't happy. They made some snide comments in the hospital about it. But after that, everyone got over it and moved on. My DH backed me up and understood my point of view, he pushed back on his family when they were upset and we all moved on.

OP: you need to talk to your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many people feel a new mother should surrender her rights to name her own child to avoid upsetting her in laws. What about the reverse? Imagine having a daughter in law from a different culture and insisting she doesn’t have a right to name her own children? That would be pretty offensive/likely to cause a rift in my book.

As well, DH may say it “has” to be the first name, but here’s another place for compromise— Hani can be his middle name. No, it’s not the exact tradition. Yes, it does honor the person in question and the baby is still named for Hani. Expecting a mother to give more in a compromise than her in laws is a pretty sorry reflection of how people think women should be treated.

Emphatic +1.

[Anonymous]

Naming your—as in your and your husband’s and only your and your husband’s—child takes 2 yes’s while nixing a name takes only one “no.” That should be true regardless of the gender of the partner nixing a name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many people feel a new mother should surrender her rights to name her own child to avoid upsetting her in laws. What about the reverse? Imagine having a daughter in law from a different culture and insisting she doesn’t have a right to name her own children? That would be pretty offensive/likely to cause a rift in my book.

As well, DH may say it “has” to be the first name, but here’s another place for compromise— Hani can be his middle name. No, it’s not the exact tradition. Yes, it does honor the person in question and the baby is still named for Hani. Expecting a mother to give more in a compromise than her in laws is a pretty sorry reflection of how people think women should be treated.

Emphatic +1.

I’m the PP who’s Arab. OP can and should be able to name her kid whatever she wants. I was just pointing out the consequences of that decision. Naming the first born son after the grandfather is a pretty important tradition in some Arab cultures (not mine). That’s just the way it is. Her husband wants to continue the tradition. OP doesn’t. So clearly they have a problem that they need to resolve. To me a name isn’t the biggest deal in the world. So yes I would name my son if I had one after my husband’s father cuz I know it would mean the world to him. Now what are things I wouldn’t compromise on? Picking where to live, my kids school, how to raise my kids (DH’s family is more conservative than mine), what my girls can wear (more of a religion thing and less of a cultural thing). Since DH and I come from very different families - his more religious/conservative and mine much more secular) we discussed all of this beforehand and we were on the same page. We never discussed the name thing beforehand - I never cared to know if it was a big deal in his own specific culture because for me, a name isn’t the most important thing in the world. Because DH and I are on the same page when it comes to raising our kids and how to live our life, my MIL’s disapproval is irrelevant when it comes to those very issues. If we weren’t on the same page then we would have a problem and that problem wouldn’t be between me and my MIL. It would be between me and DH. Now that OP is pregnant, her DH is probably thinking of how they should be raising their kids (within Arab traditions or more westernized) and this is probably one thing out of many. As for me, we decided that our girls will be raised to speak arabic and English, that we would go and visit my home country at least once a year (DH was born and raised here) and that we will celebrate our holidays and raise them with Arab/middle eastern traditions. Yes we live here and our kids are American but traditions are still important to us. Now that may not be the case with OP since her and DH come from different cultures.