Family pressure for son’s name

[Anonymous]

If it weren't for the imposition and for your fear he'd get made fun of, would you like the name Hani?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the naming tradition aside, I think Hani is a perfectly fine name. He is not going to get teased at school. Kids today are simply not like that. They are excepting of different ideas and cultures much more than we were a generation ago. So that part will be completely fine. Also, there are many cultures where naming after the family patriarch is a big thing and passed down from generation to generation. For example, it is a very big thing with the sephardic jews (Jews of Middle Eastern descent). Not giving your child the name Hani it’s going to offend your in-laws. And I don’t mean just a little bit. This is going to be a massive offense. Whatever dynamic you have with them now it’s going to be forever changed. If your in-laws are reasonable people though maybe things will not be that bad. Only you know that. None of us on the Internet to know that about your family. I’m not saying this to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, I’m letting you know what the consequences are going to be. However, you and your husband really need to sit down and come up with a plan. You both need to be on the same page. For example, if you go with the naming tradition, then he forgot some thing else and goes with a tradition from your family for the second child let’s say. Or, maybe the children are raised studying your religion instead of his.

Yep this.

I agree with this too but I have to say, if it's this important, how did OP's husband not mention this when they were thinking about kids. Even if it's a very ingrained part of his culture, if he's marrying someone outside his culture, it seems crazy that it just slipped his mind. So I'd be mad at DH about that. But would probably still name my kid Hani, especially if he's being raised in DH's culture or religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are expecting a boy and my husbands family has this tradition where the first boy is named after the husband’s father. I come from a different culture and don’t follow this. I truly do not want to name my child after my father in law. My in laws are absolutely wonderful and i also don’t want to disappoint them. I am hesitant to reveal to them that we are having a boy. We haven’t even told them and the comments have started. I hate being put in this awkward position and I just don’t know how to handle it. I know it’s easy to say “ignore them, it’s your kid.” But I also want to make them happy with the decision.

They are not going to be. Period. You cannot let them down like this and also expect to be able to talk them into liking that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the naming tradition aside, I think Hani is a perfectly fine name. He is not going to get teased at school. Kids today are simply not like that. They are excepting of different ideas and cultures much more than we were a generation ago. So that part will be completely fine. Also, there are many cultures where naming after the family patriarch is a big thing and passed down from generation to generation. For example, it is a very big thing with the sephardic jews (Jews of Middle Eastern descent). Not giving your child the name Hani it’s going to offend your in-laws. And I don’t mean just a little bit. This is going to be a massive offense. Whatever dynamic you have with them now it’s going to be forever changed. If your in-laws are reasonable people though maybe things will not be that bad. Only you know that. None of us on the Internet to know that about your family. I’m not saying this to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, I’m letting you know what the consequences are going to be. However, you and your husband really need to sit down and come up with a plan. You both need to be on the same page. For example, if you go with the naming tradition, then he forgot some thing else and goes with a tradition from your family for the second child let’s say. Or, maybe the children are raised studying your religion instead of his.

Yep this.

If anyone is going to throw a tantrum and cut me off because of what I chose to name *my* child, then good riddance to them. I don’t need that drama in my life.

Sorry, but adults who act like toddlers don’t get a say in how I live my life. I am too damn old and tired to deal with that crap. And I don’t care about the cultural aspect, not respecting boundaries is not respecting boundaries, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FILs name is Hani. Feel like the kid will be made fun of and called “honey.” I’m not a fan of the name either.

You can NOT name your son that. Absolutely not. This naming convention may be the tradition in your husband's family, but it's NOT the tradition in YOUR family, and your husband didn't marry a cousin; he married you. So some family traditions will come from his family, some will come from yours. This naming of the baby will NOT come from his family. It's that simple. You love them, but no. Maybe you can make the baby's middle name Holden, Henry, Hayes, Hudson, Harrison, etc. But the first name absolutely can NOT be Hani. Quite frankly OP, I forbid it.

PP, you have lost your mind. Please stop posting everywhere. What an incredibly insulting post.

[Anonymous]

Your husband married outside of his culture. Surely your in-laws know you won’t agree with all traditions. Have your dh say you won’t name ds Hani, but that you already do x and y from their culture.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who’ve said you are likely to cause a great offense to your ILs if you skip this tradition. You say you really like them and you have a good relationship, so seriously consider of this is worth losing that. Of course there are some who wouldn’t care, and that’s fine. This is your baby (and your husband’s) after all, so you get the final say. But I don’t see how there is any way you can skip this tradition AND have them be happy, so just think through how important both sides of that equation are to you.

My mom passed away, so when I got pregnant I told my DH if it was a girl we were naming it after my mom. I basically gave him no say at all, and I acknowledged that that sucked, but it’s just how it was going to be. He didn’t love the name initially, but kids grow into their names and now he says he can’t imagine her being called anything else. When we had our second, I let him choose the name out of a small list we agreed on.

Only you and your husband can decide what you’re going to do. If I was in your shoes please, I’d probably use Hani and a middle name of my choosing, which we would call him by everywhere. And then I’d get first choice of the next kid’s name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the naming tradition aside, I think Hani is a perfectly fine name. He is not going to get teased at school. Kids today are simply not like that. They are excepting of different ideas and cultures much more than we were a generation ago. So that part will be completely fine. Also, there are many cultures where naming after the family patriarch is a big thing and passed down from generation to generation. For example, it is a very big thing with the sephardic jews (Jews of Middle Eastern descent). Not giving your child the name Hani it’s going to offend your in-laws. And I don’t mean just a little bit. This is going to be a massive offense. Whatever dynamic you have with them now it’s going to be forever changed. If your in-laws are reasonable people though maybe things will not be that bad. Only you know that. None of us on the Internet to know that about your family. I’m not saying this to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, I’m letting you know what the consequences are going to be. However, you and your husband really need to sit down and come up with a plan. You both need to be on the same page. For example, if you go with the naming tradition, then he forgot some thing else and goes with a tradition from your family for the second child let’s say. Or, maybe the children are raised studying your religion instead of his.

Yep this.

If anyone is going to throw a tantrum and cut me off because of what I chose to name *my* child, then good riddance to them. I don’t need that drama in my life.

Sorry, but adults who act like toddlers don’t get a say in how I live my life. I am too damn old and tired to deal with that crap. And I don’t care about the cultural aspect, not respecting boundaries is not respecting boundaries, period.

I’m the person who wrote the thread being quoted. And I get it because in some ways I feel that way, but you must not come from a culture with very ingrained traditions. This is going to have a lasting impact on their relationship with their son and their relationship with their grandchildren. It will also affect how most of the extended family will treat them. while the OP is concerned about her rights as a mother being stomped on, she also has to take what I just said into consideration. It’s not meant to change her mind, but it is information she needs to consider along with her husband. As one person mentioned, I would be angry at her husband for not mentioning this as basically a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the naming tradition aside, I think Hani is a perfectly fine name. He is not going to get teased at school. Kids today are simply not like that. They are excepting of different ideas and cultures much more than we were a generation ago. So that part will be completely fine. Also, there are many cultures where naming after the family patriarch is a big thing and passed down from generation to generation. For example, it is a very big thing with the sephardic jews (Jews of Middle Eastern descent). Not giving your child the name Hani it’s going to offend your in-laws. And I don’t mean just a little bit. This is going to be a massive offense. Whatever dynamic you have with them now it’s going to be forever changed. If your in-laws are reasonable people though maybe things will not be that bad. Only you know that. None of us on the Internet to know that about your family. I’m not saying this to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, I’m letting you know what the consequences are going to be. However, you and your husband really need to sit down and come up with a plan. You both need to be on the same page. For example, if you go with the naming tradition, then he forgot some thing else and goes with a tradition from your family for the second child let’s say. Or, maybe the children are raised studying your religion instead of his.

Yep this.

If anyone is going to throw a tantrum and cut me off because of what I chose to name *my* child, then good riddance to them. I don’t need that drama in my life.

Sorry, but adults who act like toddlers don’t get a say in how I live my life. I am too damn old and tired to deal with that crap. And I don’t care about the cultural aspect, not respecting boundaries is not respecting boundaries, period.

See this is what you don’t understand. Western culture is very individualistic. With Middle Eastern culture the family is central and paramount. Neither is better but it’s two different ways of seeing the world. I’m Arab and no matter how annoying my in laws can be there is no way I can say either it goes my way or good riddance to them. It’s all about compromise and accommodation. There are positives and negatives with this - on the one hand, the family unit is strong. That means we are never alone and there are ppl who are there for us through thick and thin. Even if we don’t really click with each other personality wise we will always be there for each other in times of need. The negatives are many as well - ppl up in your business, thinking they should have a say in decisions that are personal. With this I try to find a balance cuz obviously I also want to live my life the way I want to. OP’s problem here isn’t here in laws but her husband who wants to continue the tradition. She needs to figure it out with him and they need to come to a decision together over what they want to do.

[Anonymous]

We named our DD a first name she never uses. But we are not Arab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the naming tradition aside, I think Hani is a perfectly fine name. He is not going to get teased at school. Kids today are simply not like that. They are excepting of different ideas and cultures much more than we were a generation ago. So that part will be completely fine. Also, there are many cultures where naming after the family patriarch is a big thing and passed down from generation to generation. For example, it is a very big thing with the sephardic jews (Jews of Middle Eastern descent). Not giving your child the name Hani it’s going to offend your in-laws. And I don’t mean just a little bit. This is going to be a massive offense. Whatever dynamic you have with them now it’s going to be forever changed. If your in-laws are reasonable people though maybe things will not be that bad. Only you know that. None of us on the Internet to know that about your family. I’m not saying this to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, I’m letting you know what the consequences are going to be. However, you and your husband really need to sit down and come up with a plan. You both need to be on the same page. For example, if you go with the naming tradition, then he forgot some thing else and goes with a tradition from your family for the second child let’s say. Or, maybe the children are raised studying your religion instead of his.

Yep this.

If anyone is going to throw a tantrum and cut me off because of what I chose to name *my* child, then good riddance to them. I don’t need that drama in my life.

Sorry, but adults who act like toddlers don’t get a say in how I live my life. I am too damn old and tired to deal with that crap. And I don’t care about the cultural aspect, not respecting boundaries is not respecting boundaries, period.

See this is what you don’t understand. Western culture is very individualistic. With Middle Eastern culture the family is central and paramount. Neither is better but it’s two different ways of seeing the world. I’m Arab and no matter how annoying my in laws can be there is no way I can say either it goes my way or good riddance to them. It’s all about compromise and accommodation. There are positives and negatives with this - on the one hand, the family unit is strong. That means we are never alone and there are ppl who are there for us through thick and thin. Even if we don’t really click with each other personality wise we will always be there for each other in times of need. The negatives are many as well - ppl up in your business, thinking they should have a say in decisions that are personal. With this I try to find a balance cuz obviously I also want to live my life the way I want to. OP’s problem here isn’t here in laws but her husband who wants to continue the tradition. She needs to figure it out with him and they need to come to a decision together over what they want to do.

Sorry I clicked send too soon. I agree with the PPs who said husband should have mentioned this pre marriage. I think ppl who marry into cultures with very strong traditions they should not marry blindly. OPs husband should have explained his culture and traditions to OP and also how committed he is (or not) to these traditions.

[Anonymous]

Names feel like a big deal while you are pregnant. But once your kid has a name, it’s not really that big of a deal. As a PP said they grow into their name. And I learned this when I adopted a couple of kids who came with names I never would have chosen. But your decision now will affect your relationship with your husband and in laws for decades to come. Personally I’d find it easier to live with a name I didn’t pick than with decades or a lifetime of animosity.

Yes your husband should have mentioned it. But he didn’t and that’s water under the bridge.

[Anonymous]

F*ck the other culture. Explain to the in-laws that you follow American culture -- power to women.

[Anonymous]

Nope. No way.

You name your child whatever you want. You are going to have to accept that your in-laws will be dissappointed. That's their own problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you really need to look at this as a disagreement between you and your DH, and leave your ILs out of it. If your DH is in agreement with you, then his parents are for him to figure out.

You say your DH wants to follow this tradition, and it's cultural (not just a thing his family does). Since you are clearly from different cultural/ethnic backgrounds, how have you done it in the past? What kinds of compromises have you made? Personally, if it were me (and, as it stands, I'm the member of my marriage with more cultural traditions), I'd ask DH why this tradition was important to him and what meaning it has for him. DH does this kind of thing for me all the time. If his reasons make sense, I think the suggestion to have your kid go by their middle name makes sense.

FWIW, DH didn't like my favorite first name for DS, and so we made that name his middle name. So, I've done some name compromising before. In the end, it feels right. I'm just more likely to call DS by first + middle.