Family pressure for son’s name

[Anonymous]

OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many people feel a new mother should surrender her rights to name her own child to avoid upsetting her in laws. What about the reverse? Imagine having a daughter in law from a different culture and insisting she doesn’t have a right to name her own children? That would be pretty offensive/likely to cause a rift in my book.

As well, DH may say it “has” to be the first name, but here’s another place for compromise— Hani can be his middle name. No, it’s not the exact tradition. Yes, it does honor the person in question and the baby is still named for Hani. Expecting a mother to give more in a compromise than her in laws is a pretty sorry reflection of how people think women should be treated.

+ 100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family. It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.

[Anonymous]

I support you if you want to put your foot down and assert your right to name your baby. However, in your situation (you like your in-laws, you want them to be happy, it's an important part of DH's heritage/traditions) I would probably give your son FIL's name as his first name and then call him by a middle name that you choose. Many people (including me!) go by a middle name their whole life. He will have to explain it occasionally, like on the first day of school ("actually Ms. Teacher, I go by my middle name, Larlo") but otherwise it will be a non-issue and no one will know it's his middle name. The grandparents can call him Hani if they want (they will probably give it up and use the other name as he gets older, but even if they don't, whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family. It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.

DP here. And I don't see this. They could pick a middle name that is from the mom's side. If it's helpful, DH has his father's first name. His middle name is his maternal uncle's (who died very young) first name. He goes by his middle name. DH is white, and these choices weren't cultural/traditional...but this kind of thing is completely doable. Interestingly, DH's first name is very common in the US, whereas his middle name is not and often bungled by Americans (would not be in the UK). He goes by it nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We named our DD a first name she never uses. But we are not Arab.

I’m a white person who goes by my middle name. It’s not a big deal. First day of school teacher called out FIRSTNAME? I said actually I go by MIDDLENAME teacher stopped made a quick note. No problem.

OP - you can do this!

Actually, it’s very annoying to have to the teachers and everyone you meet to call you by your middle name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We named our DD a first name she never uses. But we are not Arab.

I’m a white person who goes by my middle name. It’s not a big deal. First day of school teacher called out FIRSTNAME? I said actually I go by MIDDLENAME teacher stopped made a quick note. No problem.

OP - you can do this!

+1. Seems like a pretty obvious solution

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We named our DD a first name she never uses. But we are not Arab.

I’m a white person who goes by my middle name. It’s not a big deal. First day of school teacher called out FIRSTNAME? I said actually I go by MIDDLENAME teacher stopped made a quick note. No problem.

OP - you can do this!

Actually, it’s very annoying to have to the teachers and everyone you meet to call you by your middle name.

What are you talking about? It's not "everyone you meet." It only comes up in occasional situations like the first day of school or dealing with the government where they are going off of a birth certificate or other written record that lists your whole name.

99% of the time when you meet someone, you just introduce yourself as [middle name], because that is your name, and no one knows or cares how your name appears in official documents. Or do you ask to see the birth certificate of everyone you meet to ensure that their preferred name matches?

[Anonymous]

Could you do something like Hanan or Hanif? Or left field like Hanley? Something close but not quite it? A friend named her kid Harrison instead of Harold to honor a family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family. It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.

DP here. And I don't see this. They could pick a middle name that is from the mom's side. If it's helpful, DH has his father's first name. His middle name is his maternal uncle's (who died very young) first name. He goes by his middle name. DH is white, and these choices weren't cultural/traditional...but this kind of thing is completely doable. Interestingly, DH's first name is very common in the US, whereas his middle name is not and often bungled by Americans (would not be in the UK). He goes by it nonetheless.

If that’s equal, they can pick Hani as a middle name, right?

Also I understood in a previous post the same tradition has the fathers name as the middle. So the tradition cuts out the woman entirely. But that’s ok she’s just carrying and delivering and caring for the child, why should the fact that she dislikes the name matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family. It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.

DP here. And I don't see this. They could pick a middle name that is from the mom's side. If it's helpful, DH has his father's first name. His middle name is his maternal uncle's (who died very young) first name. He goes by his middle name. DH is white, and these choices weren't cultural/traditional...but this kind of thing is completely doable. Interestingly, DH's first name is very common in the US, whereas his middle name is not and often bungled by Americans (would not be in the UK). He goes by it nonetheless.

If that’s equal, they can pick Hani as a middle name, right?

Also I understood in a previous post the same tradition has the fathers name as the middle. So the tradition cuts out the woman entirely. But that’s ok she’s just carrying and delivering and caring for the child, why should the fact that she dislikes the name matter?

Not exactly. Majority of Arabs simply don’t have middle names. Name is the following: “x, son of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. ,last name. With a girl it would be “x, daughter of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. Last name.” So lots of Arabs dunno where to put “son of y son of z of of m” so then they just put fathers name is middle name spot. But it’s not a middle name and the “son of” part can go on forever. Other Arabs living in the west don’t make this substitution and instead adopt the western practice of giving their child a middle name. And others just leave it blank. So basically there is no middle name tradition in the Arab world. Arabs living here are confused over what to put as the middle name. Some pick a middle name, some just substitute the fathers name (which is not a middle name) and others leave it blank. For our daughters we put my husbands name. Out of our friends, two families did what we did, 3 left it blank, and 5 families picked a middle name for their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family. It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.

DP here. And I don't see this. They could pick a middle name that is from the mom's side. If it's helpful, DH has his father's first name. His middle name is his maternal uncle's (who died very young) first name. He goes by his middle name. DH is white, and these choices weren't cultural/traditional...but this kind of thing is completely doable. Interestingly, DH's first name is very common in the US, whereas his middle name is not and often bungled by Americans (would not be in the UK). He goes by it nonetheless.

If that’s equal, they can pick Hani as a middle name, right?

Also I understood in a previous post the same tradition has the fathers name as the middle. So the tradition cuts out the woman entirely. But that’s ok she’s just carrying and delivering and caring for the child, why should the fact that she dislikes the name matter?

Not exactly. Majority of Arabs simply don’t have middle names. Name is the following: “x, son of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. ,last name. With a girl it would be “x, daughter of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. Last name.” So lots of Arabs dunno where to put “son of y son of z of of m” so then they just put fathers name is middle name spot. But it’s not a middle name and the “son of” part can go on forever. Other Arabs living in the west don’t make this substitution and instead adopt the western practice of giving their child a middle name. And others just leave it blank. So basically there is no middle name tradition in the Arab world. Arabs living here are confused over what to put as the middle name. Some pick a middle name, some just substitute the fathers name (which is not a middle name) and others leave it blank. For our daughters we put my husbands name. Out of our friends, two families did what we did, 3 left it blank, and 5 families picked a middle name for their child.

Right...so the tradition is to only honor the fathers side. Since none of those son-ofs have anything to do with the mother/brood mare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family. It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.

DP here. And I don't see this. They could pick a middle name that is from the mom's side. If it's helpful, DH has his father's first name. His middle name is his maternal uncle's (who died very young) first name. He goes by his middle name. DH is white, and these choices weren't cultural/traditional...but this kind of thing is completely doable. Interestingly, DH's first name is very common in the US, whereas his middle name is not and often bungled by Americans (would not be in the UK). He goes by it nonetheless.

If that’s equal, they can pick Hani as a middle name, right?

Also I understood in a previous post the same tradition has the fathers name as the middle. So the tradition cuts out the woman entirely. But that’s ok she’s just carrying and delivering and caring for the child, why should the fact that she dislikes the name matter?

Not exactly. Majority of Arabs simply don’t have middle names. Name is the following: “x, son of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. ,last name. With a girl it would be “x, daughter of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. Last name.” So lots of Arabs dunno where to put “son of y son of z of of m” so then they just put fathers name is middle name spot. But it’s not a middle name and the “son of” part can go on forever. Other Arabs living in the west don’t make this substitution and instead adopt the western practice of giving their child a middle name. And others just leave it blank. So basically there is no middle name tradition in the Arab world. Arabs living here are confused over what to put as the middle name. Some pick a middle name, some just substitute the fathers name (which is not a middle name) and others leave it blank. For our daughters we put my husbands name. Out of our friends, two families did what we did, 3 left it blank, and 5 families picked a middle name for their child.

Right...so the tradition is to only honor the fathers side. Since none of those son-ofs have anything to do with the mother/brood mare.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman. It's not. Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child. They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly.

Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family. It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.

DP here. And I don't see this. They could pick a middle name that is from the mom's side. If it's helpful, DH has his father's first name. His middle name is his maternal uncle's (who died very young) first name. He goes by his middle name. DH is white, and these choices weren't cultural/traditional...but this kind of thing is completely doable. Interestingly, DH's first name is very common in the US, whereas his middle name is not and often bungled by Americans (would not be in the UK). He goes by it nonetheless.

If that’s equal, they can pick Hani as a middle name, right?

Also I understood in a previous post the same tradition has the fathers name as the middle. So the tradition cuts out the woman entirely. But that’s ok she’s just carrying and delivering and caring for the child, why should the fact that she dislikes the name matter?

Not exactly. Majority of Arabs simply don’t have middle names. Name is the following: “x, son of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. ,last name. With a girl it would be “x, daughter of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. Last name.” So lots of Arabs dunno where to put “son of y son of z of of m” so then they just put fathers name is middle name spot. But it’s not a middle name and the “son of” part can go on forever. Other Arabs living in the west don’t make this substitution and instead adopt the western practice of giving their child a middle name. And others just leave it blank. So basically there is no middle name tradition in the Arab world. Arabs living here are confused over what to put as the middle name. Some pick a middle name, some just substitute the fathers name (which is not a middle name) and others leave it blank. For our daughters we put my husbands name. Out of our friends, two families did what we did, 3 left it blank, and 5 families picked a middle name for their child.

Right...so the tradition is to only honor the fathers side. Since none of those son-ofs have anything to do with the mother/brood mare.

What I’m saying is that there is no middle name tradition at all. The “son of” part is just lineage and can go on forever. A person’s name is their first name and their last name. Because there is no middle name tradition in the Arab world then ppl substitute it with the fathers name, no name or adopt the western middle name tradition. Middle names simply do not translate to Arab culture. I am assuming that none of OP’s in laws care what the middle name is and none of them would even ask. I forgot about one of my Arab friends who chose her father’s name as her son’s middle name and then her mother’s name as her second daughter’s mother’s name. I had no idea that’s what she did until years later when I was helping her fill out some paper work. It is that insignificant.

[Anonymous]

Did OP come back?