Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A common scenario I see is that a brother and sister are close, and that (healthy) closeness threatens his new partner if she has a personality disorder. She wants to limit his close relationships with other women, even his sister and mother. That way it’s much easier to control and gaslight him.

So many times SILs hate the women their brothers marry because their brothers marry toxic women.

Of course, this does not apply if the guy’s sister is the toxic/controlling one.

This. Some women enjoy the status quo of controlling (sometimes to the point of abuse) their siblings in whatever fashion, and when a new woman comes into the picture and sees and calls them on it, it is never good for the one who reaps the benefits (SIL) of the status quo, no matter how toxic the status quo is. We tried helping SIL, until we just could not do it any more, because her toxic qualities spilled over and affected matters way beyond DH and I. Of course, SIL did not like the change, because she had everything the way she wanted it, even if it adversely affected others, she only cared about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has designs on the money my parents are planning on leaving to us.

She cleaned out all the decent furniture in my parent's house when my husband and I were living abroad. I came home to find that the woman had taken my childhood bedroom furniture from my childhood home and installed it in her child's room without even discussing it with me!

She has never worked and goes running to my parents whenever she wants something expensive -- like private school, summer camp, private college -- that is not feasible given my brother's salary.

Yeah, my parents are also to blame for acting like doormats but I can't see what possible benefit I could derive from being friendly to someone like that.

Oh wow, I know someone like that. I am sorry, that would be really tough for the family - for her to expect handouts and contribute so little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually they want someone different than their sister.

A different personality is a refreshing change. It doesn't remind them of the same sibling-rivalry issues, whatever they had growing up.

+1. Agree completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is very like able but my dads sister has always been mean and bossy to her.

My mom and her sister don’t like their brothers wife.

It’s definitely common, I think.

I find that sad because my mom's best friends are my dad's sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is very like able but my dads sister has always been mean and bossy to her.

My mom and her sister don’t like their brothers wife.

It’s definitely common, I think.

I find that sad because my mom's best friends are my dad's sisters.

+1. My husband’s sister is one of my closest friends. I am closer to her than my own sister.

[Anonymous]

I love my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not in my house because I was never offered the furniture nor did I ask
If my parents were going into a home then it would be appropriate to start dismantling their house and rifling through their possessions perhaps but this seems ghoulish. I don't ever presume that other people possessions in their own home are up for grabs.

Maybe it came up naturally, like "Larla's outgrowing her crib, we're going to need to furnish her room now!" And the parents offered. That's how I wound up with my brother's childhood furniture. It was in my parents' basement because they had bought him NEW furniture as a young adult who was in and out of their house in his 20s (along with my big cherry childhood desk, which my mom told me in no uncertain terms she was giving him because it was a perfectly good desk not in current use at the time). He wasn't using it, has no storage space in his city apartments, and has no intention to have kids. It was literally just taking up space. They were thrilled to have a grandchild use it. And no, we didn't ask because my parents didn't want to store it for 20 more years for sentimental reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mean toxic SIL who has always been icy and rude to me to the point where she makes mean comments to my face and bullies me.

I don’t understand what I did to her. Then I searched DCUM and realize this is a common trope. Why are SILs so unpleasant?

Insecurities add up, theirs and yours. Total sum is high.

[Anonymous]

My SIL who claimed to be protector of the family, didn't even want to visit her mom who lived alone with servants in her town because she didn't want to be responsible for her issues. Bullies are bullies, only good until their interests aren't at risk.

[Anonymous]

I think misunderstandings also play a big role.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is immature and spoiled. DH and I have been together since the end of our senior year in college. I can’t say I have a friendship with SIL even after being with my husband for 30 years, which probably has something to do with her emotional immaturity which leads to some annoyingly self-centered behavior. It’s like dealing with a perpetual stranger, albeit a demanding one. SIL getting married for the first time next year at age 49. That should tell you all you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has designs on the money my parents are planning on leaving to us.

She cleaned out all the decent furniture in my parent's house when my husband and I were living abroad. I came home to find that the woman had taken my childhood bedroom furniture from my childhood home and installed it in her child's room without even discussing it with me!

She has never worked and goes running to my parents whenever she wants something expensive -- like private school, summer camp, private college -- that is not feasible given my brother's salary.

Yeah, my parents are also to blame for acting like doormats but I can't see what possible benefit I could derive from being friendly to someone like that.

Oh wow, I know someone like that. I am sorry, that would be really tough for the family - for her to expect handouts and contribute so little.

My SIL is the same. She’s all about the money. Can’t visit MIL, but I’m sure she’ll arrive 15 minutes to the lawyers when it’s time to read the will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has designs on the money my parents are planning on leaving to us.

She cleaned out all the decent furniture in my parent's house when my husband and I were living abroad. I came home to find that the woman had taken my childhood bedroom furniture from my childhood home and installed it in her child's room without even discussing it with me!

She has never worked and goes running to my parents whenever she wants something expensive -- like private school, summer camp, private college -- that is not feasible given my brother's salary.

Yeah, my parents are also to blame for acting like doormats but I can't see what possible benefit I could derive from being friendly to someone like that.

Oh wow, I know someone like that. I am sorry, that would be really tough for the family - for her to expect handouts and contribute so little.

My SIL is the same. She’s all about the money. Can’t visit MIL, but I’m sure she’ll arrive 15 minutes to the lawyers when it’s time to read the will.

See, I'm the opposite. We have never asked for, nor need, anything form MIL - but I can hear the concocted stories now. The ILs like drama, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has designs on the money my parents are planning on leaving to us.

She cleaned out all the decent furniture in my parent's house when my husband and I were living abroad. I came home to find that the woman had taken my childhood bedroom furniture from my childhood home and installed it in her child's room without even discussing it with me!

She has never worked and goes running to my parents whenever she wants something expensive -- like private school, summer camp, private college -- that is not feasible given my brother's salary.

Yeah, my parents are also to blame for acting like doormats but I can't see what possible benefit I could derive from being friendly to someone like that.

Oh wow, I know someone like that. I am sorry, that would be really tough for the family - for her to expect handouts and contribute so little.

My SIL is the same. She’s all about the money. Can’t visit MIL, but I’m sure she’ll arrive 15 minutes to the lawyers when it’s time to read the will.

See, I'm the opposite. We have never asked for, nor need, anything form MIL - but I can hear the concocted stories now. The ILs like drama, sadly.

*from

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has designs on the money my parents are planning on leaving to us.

She cleaned out all the decent furniture in my parent's house when my husband and I were living abroad. I came home to find that the woman had taken my childhood bedroom furniture from my childhood home and installed it in her child's room without even discussing it with me!

She has never worked and goes running to my parents whenever she wants something expensive -- like private school, summer camp, private college -- that is not feasible given my brother's salary.

Yeah, my parents are also to blame for acting like doormats but I can't see what possible benefit I could derive from being friendly to someone like that.

This makes me think you are likely the problem. That wasn’t your furniture. Why would she discuss it with you?