Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you talk about what your parents say, what your friends did, what's "normal"-- do you have any opinions of your own? You don't have to do what's "normal" and if you think your parents are the boss of this you are not mature enough to get married. Try to figure out what is right for the two of you, unique individuals. Not what's right for other people.

I agree. Gently, OP you seem very swayed by the opinions of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Show her you’re committed to her and to the future. Get her a ring and ask her to marry you. This is a good lesson that marriage or any good relationship is one big one continuous set of compromises where you need to meet each other half way. Since you’re planning on asking her anyways, why not just do it now? If you really are having doubts, then don’t cohabitate.

Read the thread before commenting. OP already decided this. He'll be great at compromising. His girlfriend, soon-to-be wife won't be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

-1 What exactly did OP's girlfriend do that was immature?

I have no regrets about insisting on a ring before moving in. I knew what I wanted, and wasn't willing to play house without a commitment. Knowing what you want and speaking up for yourself, even when your view isn't fashionable, is the definition of maturity.

Married 17 years.

The immaturity comes in insisting things must be entirely your way in a relationship.

That is not immaturity. Acknowledging that there are some differences that are insurmountable in a relationship is part of being an adult. Better to figure out that a man isn't committed before moving in than after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you talk about what your parents say, what your friends did, what's "normal"-- do you have any opinions of your own? You don't have to do what's "normal" and if you think your parents are the boss of this you are not mature enough to get married. Try to figure out what is right for the two of you, unique individuals. Not what's right for other people.

I agree. Gently, OP you seem very swayed by the opinions of others.

This is another reason why premarital counseling will be good for them, it will force the two of them to have discussions and figure things out for the two of them, not just what their families or friends have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I have bene dating for a little over a year. I asked her or move in with me after talking about next steps, but she she is refusing unless we become engaged. She said she is unwilling to move in with me unless I make a commitment. She doesn’t want to be like some friends who moved in with a boyfriend thinking marriage would come and it never did. She needs to know I’m serious because moving in to her means that I might feel like I don’t need to propose. That is not the case with us. My parents always told me it’s important to live with someone before getting engaged to make sure you’re compatible. There are people who get engaged and then realize they can’t live together. We are at a stand still. She wants to get engaged and I want her to move in and then get engaged.

She’s smart. You should be glad. Smarter if she waits even longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

-1 What exactly did OP's girlfriend do that was immature?

I have no regrets about insisting on a ring before moving in. I knew what I wanted, and wasn't willing to play house without a commitment. Knowing what you want and speaking up for yourself, even when your view isn't fashionable, is the definition of maturity.

Married 17 years.

The immaturity comes in insisting things must be entirely your way in a relationship.

That is not immaturity. Acknowledging that there are some differences that are insurmountable in a relationship is part of being an adult. Better to figure out that a man isn't committed before moving in than after.

It's immaturity. A hallmark of immaturity is all or nothing thinking. All my way or not at all. Another mark of immaturity is pinning the success of a relationship only on one person, in this case, the man or OP. My girlfriend is immature, and despite your 17 years of marriage so are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I definitely want to marry. I thought the normal next steps were to move in, live together for 3-6 months, and get engaged. She is not “ an option”. I would ever live with someone I didn’t intend to marry. I can see it from her perspective now after reading the replies. I was always taught that you need to live with someone to see if you’re really compatible, and breaking up is easier than calling off an engagement. Now I know.

I want her to feel certain that this is the real deal. I want her to feel secure and know that we will get married. I will start looking at rings. I don’t want to lose her over something dumb since I planned to propose in the fall anyway.

The answer to feeling certain this is the real deal is making it the real deal, and you seem to have come to that conclusion. Nice job listening to people who don’t see it your way and understanding that perspective, it will be a vital asset in a successful marriage. I wish you every happiness!

[Anonymous]

I understand wanting to live together before you’re married, but I don’t see the issue with getting engaged before you move in. She needs a commitment and to know you’re serious.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry, OP.

You're not really engaged until you have a wedding date set so you can still string that along and bail if you need to.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the comments but this is fairly standard op. Of course you would rather move in with her, and enjoy all that entails, without any commitment lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's that old saying... why should a man buy the cow when the milk is free?

I think your girlfriend is right. Either you're going to make a lifelong commitment to her, or you're not. She has absolutely nothing to gain by shacking up with you until you make up your mind.

+100. You should know her very, very well already if you even want her to live with you. What other information do you need to know? How well she cleans a bathroom or sorts laundry? What will living together change if you already aren’t sure if you want to marry her? You’re literally telling her that I want to try you out for a bit as pretend wife and then I’ll decide. Good for her. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I have bene dating for a little over a year. I asked her or move in with me after talking about next steps, but she she is refusing unless we become engaged. She said she is unwilling to move in with me unless I make a commitment. She doesn’t want to be like some friends who moved in with a boyfriend thinking marriage would come and it never did. She needs to know I’m serious because moving in to her means that I might feel like I don’t need to propose. That is not the case with us. My parents always told me it’s important to live with someone before getting engaged to make sure you’re compatible. There are people who get engaged and then realize they can’t live together. We are at a stand still. She wants to get engaged and I want her to move in and then get engaged.

Getting engaged doesn’t obligate you to get married, but if you do not yet want to marry her, be honest and tell her because she was honest with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Show her you’re committed to her and to the future. Get her a ring and ask her to marry you. This is a good lesson that marriage or any good relationship is one big one continuous set of compromises where you need to meet each other half way. Since you’re planning on asking her anyways, why not just do it now? If you really are having doubts, then don’t cohabitate.

Read the thread before commenting. OP already decided this. He'll be great at compromising. His girlfriend, soon-to-be wife won't be.

There’s not really compromise when it comes to engagement status. You are either engaged or not engaged. What you mean is that she should give up her standard.

[Anonymous]

OP living together before marriage was a thing long ago — in the 1970-80s. Women figured out it didn’t work out well for them. It was a social experiment. Today’s women not so eager to repeat that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re basics asking her to make all the compromises and you want your parents opinions to carry equal weight as hers. You sound like a nightmare. She should dump you.