Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your GF (not literally obviously). My BF just bought a place, he's renovating it, this will be done in the fall. He asked me to move in once his renovations are done.

1. Logistically, this is a nightmare. I know renovations, I've lived though them, they often go longer than we expect.

2. I live in a condo that I bought 5 years ago. If I leave I either have to sell or rent, which brings me to point 3.

3. I don't want to sell my home unless I'm engaged. Yes, engagements can be broken. However, asking me to move in is asking for a sacrifice on my end. I'm not willing to do it unless he wants to marry me.

Good for you

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re basics asking her to make all the compromises and you want your parents opinions to carry equal weight as hers. You sound like a nightmare. She should dump you.

With that said, PP, a lot of people struggle with negotiating those boundaries throughout adulthood. It's what OP does with this information and his instincts- not emotions, but some- that makes him worth it or not.

And OP, if you do propose, get ready, because the parents/neighbors/aunts/godparents will have no end to the list of things You Must Do To Be A Proper Adult. Adults nod, smile, and then do what they think is best and never give it a second thought.

Getting old does not cure this struggle. Practice does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP living together before marriage was a thing long ago — in the 1970-80s. Women figured out it didn’t work out well for them. It was a social experiment. Today’s women not so eager to repeat that.

I second this.

Too many women invested 2, 3, or more years in relationships that were never going to progress past roommates who have sex. And in a number of cases, their XBFs married another woman with in a few months of breaking up. Women they had never lived with.

My DD has an affordable apartment that is walkable to everything, including work. It is a bit small to share with her BF. I’m not even sure she would want to give it up before they actually marry if that’s the direction they are headed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

-1 What exactly did OP's girlfriend do that was immature?

I have no regrets about insisting on a ring before moving in. I knew what I wanted, and wasn't willing to play house without a commitment. Knowing what you want and speaking up for yourself, even when your view isn't fashionable, is the definition of maturity.

Married 17 years.

The immaturity comes in insisting things must be entirely your way in a relationship.

That is not immaturity. Acknowledging that there are some differences that are insurmountable in a relationship is part of being an adult. Better to figure out that a man isn't committed before moving in than after.

It's immaturity. A hallmark of immaturity is all or nothing thinking. All my way or not at all. Another mark of immaturity is pinning the success of a relationship only on one person, in this case, the man or OP. My girlfriend is immature, and despite your 17 years of marriage so are you.

Another way to look at this is that she has standards and enough self esteem not to compromise on those standards. If her boyfriend fundamentally disagrees on a future together, then they will BOTH be better off if she doesn’t compromise her standards. Most people who end up bitterly divorced have stayed together hoping the other would change and the only change is increased bitterness and resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

-1 What exactly did OP's girlfriend do that was immature?

I have no regrets about insisting on a ring before moving in. I knew what I wanted, and wasn't willing to play house without a commitment. Knowing what you want and speaking up for yourself, even when your view isn't fashionable, is the definition of maturity.

Married 17 years.

The immaturity comes in insisting things must be entirely your way in a relationship.

That is not immaturity. Acknowledging that there are some differences that are insurmountable in a relationship is part of being an adult. Better to figure out that a man isn't committed before moving in than after.

It's immaturity. A hallmark of immaturity is all or nothing thinking. All my way or not at all. Another mark of immaturity is pinning the success of a relationship only on one person, in this case, the man or OP. My girlfriend is immature, and despite your 17 years of marriage so are you.

Another way to look at this is that she has standards and enough self esteem not to compromise on those standards. If her boyfriend fundamentally disagrees on a future together, then they will BOTH be better off if she doesn’t compromise her standards. Most people who end up bitterly divorced have stayed together hoping the other would change and the only change is increased bitterness and resentment.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you are wrong, but a man wanting to live together or vice versa doesn’t automatically mean they won’t marry you. Usually there are many red flags besides apprehension to get engaged that women ignore. Moving in together doesn’t mean you man won’t propose to you.

This. The red flag that OP should be looking at right now is the issuing of ultimatums and the refusal to come to an agreement that works for them as a couple.

No one issued any ultimatums here. They had a difference of opinion on moving in together before they’re engaged.

And only one person handled it somewhat maturely. I agree with the pp who suggested OP should insist on premarital counseling.

-1 What exactly did OP's girlfriend do that was immature?

I have no regrets about insisting on a ring before moving in. I knew what I wanted, and wasn't willing to play house without a commitment. Knowing what you want and speaking up for yourself, even when your view isn't fashionable, is the definition of maturity.

Married 17 years.

The immaturity comes in insisting things must be entirely your way in a relationship.

That is not immaturity. Acknowledging that there are some differences that are insurmountable in a relationship is part of being an adult. Better to figure out that a man isn't committed before moving in than after.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am glad you took people's feedback OP. I also laid down this line with my husband We are very very happily married now. But to me I thought about moving in at 26 and the what ifs of it not working out. 2-3 years or more living together, a break up that I need a year to recover from, figuring out someone new to date again, probably another year or more, dating until I am serious enough about THAT person, a year or more. All of a sudden its like, I'm 32, and that relationship is now do or die if I want to have kids. It's just stressful and you don't want to waste years when you know you want to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know 1 person that lived together that didn’t get married.

She sounds high maintenance. Hard pass. Move on.

Oh my goodness, I know so many people who either had long drawn out breakups after living together, or got engaged after 5 years of living together and then got divorced.

I don’t know 1 person that didn’t live together before marriage. Maybe your friends are less educated.

[Anonymous]

I was dumb enough to date a guy for 7 years. Yes we lived together. It was ridiculous. His family finally urged him to cut it out and we married. Married a very long time. But I was dumb to do that.
Have young grown kids now I tell them: it’s easier to get into a relationship than to get out. Especially if you live together.

[Anonymous]

I had a boyfriend who asked me to move in with him because he needed a roommate. Not really because he was ready for us to live together and get engaged. I told him no because I didn't want to move in to be his roommate and just help with the rent.

We did end up moving in together, 2 years later. Been married 11 years now with 2 kids.

I still don't regret not moving in with him the first time he asked because he wasn't asking for the right reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm your GF (not literally obviously). My BF just bought a place, he's renovating it, this will be done in the fall. He asked me to move in once his renovations are done.

1. Logistically, this is a nightmare. I know renovations, I've lived though them, they often go longer than we expect.

2. I live in a condo that I bought 5 years ago. If I leave I either have to sell or rent, which brings me to point 3.

3. I don't want to sell my home unless I'm engaged. Yes, engagements can be broken. However, asking me to move in is asking for a sacrifice on my end. I'm not willing to do it unless he wants to marry me.

Good for you

+1

You don't move in unless you have a ring AND a wedding date.

[Anonymous]

Engagement isn't marriage. Even marriage can be broken up. People even divorce after having kids.

This is purely about settling the difference between you two. You maybe 100% correct in this but if you are unable to compromise, that makes a terrible partner. Women needsa cheerleader in a marriage, not a thought police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Engagement isn't marriage. Even marriage can be broken up. People even divorce after having kids.

This is purely about settling the difference between you two. You maybe 100% correct in this but if you are unable to compromise, that makes a terrible partner. Women needsa cheerleader in a marriage, not a thought police.

Right. But OPs girlfriend has communicated she doesn’t want to take this step unless he’s interested in long term commitment ie marriage. OP has expressed he’s not sure he wants to be long term committed to her. Each one of their wants are independently fine but I don’t blame her in the least for not wanting to take such a big step for “Maybe we will marry but I want you for a trial period to make sure.”

[Anonymous]

I feel like such a cranky old person sometimes, but if you can’t commit to engagement before literally living with another and play-acting marriage, you aren’t ready for a commitment for life.

I didn’t live with my husband before marriage. We moved into our apartment after our honeymoon. I also refused to exclusively date him until he asked me to be his girlfriend. There is no commitment without reciprocal commitment, and this ought to be taught to every child. We are very happily married with three kids now.

[Anonymous]

OP do not get engaged unless you truly want to get married. Everyone on here is incredibly flippant about calling off an engagement, but as someone that happened to, keep in mind the incredible pain that is involved with breaking off an engagement.