How to avoid (ok - get over) house envy?

[Anonymous]

Agree with the one PP who said they probably have secret family money. There is so much of that around here.

I have a bunch of friends where I look at their situations and kind of scratch my head and can get envious, but that is a waste of time and energy. Try to care less, you will be happier!

[Anonymous]

Didn’t SNL do a zilliow skit about this.

Housing here is just depressing, yes I know jobs blah blah blah. OP I love looking at houses in Dallas and Charlotte because I can afford them and they’re beautiful. I would move to either in a heartbeat, but we are both Feds with great jobs and our entire family/friends group is in the dmv area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our house is great. We bought a few years ago and, in order to get the price we wanted, we compromised on some things. But, overall, it's a great house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our friends just bought a place near us for $400k more than we paid. We are all government employees, so we know what they make and the fact that they could pay that price is confounding to us. We know there is no family money there. They are just grinders like the rest of us. So the price, in and of itself, was shocking.

But even leaving the money aside (since we really don't know the truth about the entirety of their finances), I am SO ENVIOUS of the actual house that they bought. It's everything we would've wanted - no compromises. Ugh. I want to be happy for them - and I am, I think!- but I need to figure out how to get back into a place of peace and contentment about what I have vs. comparing it to what they have. I don't like feeling this way. Anyone with some advice?

We are not government employees, but work in thr private sector making 500k+. We still live in thr same home we purchased in 2010 for 479k. We live in Ashburn and are surrounded by people who have homes that are that are new with spectacular floor plans and elevators seem to be all the rage now.

You know what makes me happy?

My oldest just got into MIT and we have no problem paying for it.

We have plans to retire together when we are 52 & 53

We already own our retirement home that we purchased as investors years ago while renters pay it off

We have a beach rental that was cash flow positive from day 1 and thanks to covid we have brought in 6 figures in rental income in the last year. We are already booked solid this summer starting late April and into late September. Shaping up to be another record breaking season.

None of this would be possible is we were strapped to huge mortgage foe a dream home.

I have no desire to work until I'm too old to travel. I'm happy that I will get to spend my best years doing what's love. I hope these beautiful homes people live in bring them thr same happiness.

FYI. Most people don’t want to retire in their prime years. They enjoy their jobs. Also most people have PTO which they use to travel.

Yea...that's why people who win the lottery continue working. 4 weeks of PTO off a year and a love of the grind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our house is great. We bought a few years ago and, in order to get the price we wanted, we compromised on some things. But, overall, it's a great house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our friends just bought a place near us for $400k more than we paid. We are all government employees, so we know what they make and the fact that they could pay that price is confounding to us. We know there is no family money there. They are just grinders like the rest of us. So the price, in and of itself, was shocking.

But even leaving the money aside (since we really don't know the truth about the entirety of their finances), I am SO ENVIOUS of the actual house that they bought. It's everything we would've wanted - no compromises. Ugh. I want to be happy for them - and I am, I think!- but I need to figure out how to get back into a place of peace and contentment about what I have vs. comparing it to what they have. I don't like feeling this way. Anyone with some advice?

We are not government employees, but work in thr private sector making 500k+. We still live in thr same home we purchased in 2010 for 479k. We live in Ashburn and are surrounded by people who have homes that are that are new with spectacular floor plans and elevators seem to be all the rage now.

You know what makes me happy?

My oldest just got into MIT and we have no problem paying for it.

We have plans to retire together when we are 52 & 53

We already own our retirement home that we purchased as investors years ago while renters pay it off

We have a beach rental that was cash flow positive from day 1 and thanks to covid we have brought in 6 figures in rental income in the last year. We are already booked solid this summer starting late April and into late September. Shaping up to be another record breaking season.

None of this would be possible is we were strapped to huge mortgage foe a dream home.

I have no desire to work until I'm too old to travel. I'm happy that I will get to spend my best years doing what's love. I hope these beautiful homes people live in bring them thr same happiness.

FYI. Most people don’t want to retire in their prime years. They enjoy their jobs. Also most people have PTO which they use to travel.

Yea...that's why people who win the lottery continue working. 4 weeks of PTO off a year and a love of the grind.

They usually do continue working... something like 85% of lottery winners keep their jobs.

You don't understand people well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a beautiful house is actually not as fun as admiring other people's beautiful houses. I'm not saying it's terrible, but the admiring IS the fun part. They probably admire their own house sometimes, but they also deal with all the repairs, cleaning, heating bills, upkeep, etc, and that dilutes the pleasure.

We did a big reno. Our house looks amazing. Cooking is easier and less frustraing, but I am not any happier. It's just more to deal with.

I mean look. That's all well and good but it's easy to say when you're the one with the fabulous house.

Sometimes I read threads like this and it just feels like there are no human beings with the imperfections and complications that go along with being human who spend any time here.

It's like the people who say money can't buy happiness. Well SURE but not having money can sure buy unhappiness - and having money sure lets you ease some of the burden of unhappiness. I mean come ON.

OP - why not see if you can spend a little money fixing up your own house? Perhaps see this as the wake up call that you care more about having a nice house than you realized. You don't need to spend a ton Maybe a new couch would do it. Some new art. Something to make you feel excited about your house again. It sounds like you've been so responsible and diligent and all of a sudden it's hitting you that you like a nice house - well, give yourself a little of that! Maybe new sheets. Just something to make you feel a little special and fresh. There's no moral wrong with treating yourself to nice things sometimes.

And you are expressing extremely human points of view. I get a version of this with a good friend from grad school. I always wanted a relaxed laid back life, and it's what I've made for myself - while she's a super duper go getter who gets flown all over the world to give presentations. And while usually I feel good about my choices, when she calls me from the airport in wherever as she's coming home from giving another keynote, I do feel this little twinge of what the heck am I doing here. I KNOW day to day I have made the right choice for me - just like I'm sure it's right for you to have a more modest house so you can save for your kids' education - but yeah it can sometimes be annoying, or shocking, or whatever, when someone who was (or is) your equal seems to be racing on ahead of you.

Anyway - go swim in your friend's pool. Let yourself feel your human feelings

If they’re spending their free time posting here, I’d argue they’re far from perfect. Everyone on here is batshit. Myself included.

fair enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age. By the time you can afford it, you don't care anymore.

This. I'm not sure how old the OP is but by the time you get in your 50's, you don't care anymore. What bothered me in my 30's is of no consequence now. I wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time being concerned with what others had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

eh I see this type of advice on here a lot and I don't like it. I think the problem with it is that it implies that people with more money can't be happy, kind, in love, fulfilled, problem free, etc. They can be all of those things. Sometimes people with more money just have better lives in every respect. That's ok. That's life.

[Anonymous]

On the other side:

We upgraded to a much nicer home recently and noticed people just don’t hang out with us as much anymore. I totally get why, but OP: if these people are good friends, just keep hanging out with them. Maybe the reason why they have a nice big house is so that they can host more often. Maybe they are going through some stuff that can’t be posted online.

Before moving into our new home- I worked so hard to save and work overtime. We make less than 200k a year. Our previous mortgage was 1500 a month. It was something I really wanted. To cut out a lot of personal expenses and just saved and saved and saved. A lot of it was possible because our kids started public school. We never ate out. We never had a date night. 5 years of this lead to 200k to buy the next house including the equity from the current home.

It’s possible. I know you have envy. And right now sucks for buyers. But note that you have a lot more going for you than people who are renting.

[Anonymous]

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, it's likely that their water bill is higher too.

[Anonymous]

Not sure about envy, but make sure to bring food if the pool is open. Aside from cost of pool maintenance, the owner will be surprised to spend $3k-$6k per year just on food for guests. They will start hating how much their "friends" (and friends of the kids, and the relatives) cost them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

eh I see this type of advice on here a lot and I don't like it. I think the problem with it is that it implies that people with more money can't be happy, kind, in love, fulfilled, problem free, etc. They can be all of those things. Sometimes people with more money just have better lives in every respect. That's ok. That's life.

Poor or rich or somewhere in between- the reality is no one has a life with no problems. It's the extent and types of problems that vary and yes, some people will have more problems in totality than others. Some people have more financial problems. Others have more family problems. Others suffer personal anxiety, loneliness, depression, health-related problems. Some have marriage problems. Some have problems related to friendships, etc. Regardless, people will always show their best parts to the world. The only thing that most of your friends/acquaintances will see are those good parts. I don't know a single person with a life that is problem-free at least at some point in their adult life, and anyone tells you that they are lying or lying to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must be completely broken. There was a time in my life when I felt some jealousy -- I remember there was this mom in the most luxurious SUV at preK dropoff and I used to think "wish I were driving that" instead of my then Denali. I was going through some really tough times at the time and I think those bad things were what caused me to envy material things of someone else. Yet, materially I was in a pretty good spot at the time.

But really, now there must be something wrong with me because I'm not particularly happy with what I've got, in fact I'm much less accomplished and poorer than every single one of my friends. I don't have some sort of glamorous education or family money to fall back on, I can barely keep the lights on some months but I don't ever envy others. I had dedicated my life completely to raising kids I could be proud of, but the teenage years have come and things aren't working out there. I should want for more, but I don't. I've just come to a point of complete acceptance.

I think its normal to want more out of life, I don't know what is wrong with me that I don't consider it, but I don't. I think doors start closing at certain ages and stages of life and you come to accept what isn't happening. Doesn't mean you have to love it, but you just know choices you made led you here and well, there isn't any going back.

Only in DCUMlandia would a lady in a 50k SUV be wallowing in misery at the sight of another parents fancier car at their kids private preschool. Y’all are all living in some sort of alternate reality.

Maybe the mommies will like her more, include her more or be more envious of her if she upgrades from the Denali to the Model X.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our house is great. We bought a few years ago and, in order to get the price we wanted, we compromised on some things. But, overall, it's a great house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our friends just bought a place near us for $400k more than we paid. We are all government employees, so we know what they make and the fact that they could pay that price is confounding to us. We know there is no family money there. They are just grinders like the rest of us. So the price, in and of itself, was shocking.

But even leaving the money aside (since we really don't know the truth about the entirety of their finances), I am SO ENVIOUS of the actual house that they bought. It's everything we would've wanted - no compromises. Ugh. I want to be happy for them - and I am, I think!- but I need to figure out how to get back into a place of peace and contentment about what I have vs. comparing it to what they have. I don't like feeling this way. Anyone with some advice?

We are not government employees, but work in thr private sector making 500k+. We still live in thr same home we purchased in 2010 for 479k. We live in Ashburn and are surrounded by people who have homes that are that are new with spectacular floor plans and elevators seem to be all the rage now.

You know what makes me happy?

My oldest just got into MIT and we have no problem paying for it.

We have plans to retire together when we are 52 & 53

We already own our retirement home that we purchased as investors years ago while renters pay it off

We have a beach rental that was cash flow positive from day 1 and thanks to covid we have brought in 6 figures in rental income in the last year. We are already booked solid this summer starting late April and into late September. Shaping up to be another record breaking season.

None of this would be possible is we were strapped to huge mortgage foe a dream home.

I have no desire to work until I'm too old to travel. I'm happy that I will get to spend my best years doing what's love. I hope these beautiful homes people live in bring them thr same happiness.

FYI. Most people don’t want to retire in their prime years. They enjoy their jobs. Also most people have PTO which they use to travel.

EH---I gather many people would not mind retiring in their 50s and spending their time with their family and friends doing what they love. Most people do not want to clock in day in and out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop at "we're all government employees, we know what they make." You DON'T know exactly what they make. You don't know if they invested early in apple, amazon, tesla. You actually don't know if they have family money! You don't know if they made a lot off past real estate.

But also, it's totally not your business. Your "house envy" is really indicative of other issues. You may want to address them. It's not a good look.

+1

Grow up, OP. Take responsibility for your choices and your paths that you took. Own your sh*t - no one owes you damn thing.

I know people like you who get hand outs from their ILs or parents. Guess what? They are never happy, because it is never enough, and they are always trying to count other people's pennies. Guess what? You can't. No one is going to tell you everything, no matter how much you want them to, and not everything is on Google. Too bad, so sad.

MYOB and live your own life. Stay in your lane. Since you asked.

Here's an example: I don't have a beach house or a pool, but instead of lamenting what I don't have, I thank God that I survived my serious illness, and my homelessness. I also visit my friends with pools or beach houses whenever I am invited. Most importantly, I don't spend that time saying "why don't I have this???!" I spend my time soaking in the sun and the conversation, and thank God I have generous friends who love me enough to invite me.

You need to gain perspective and grow TF up, OP. No one owes you a damn thing. The sooner you know that, and live it, the happier you will be. Like we tell our young students, "eyes on your own paper". Before you know it, your kids (assuming you have some) will be grown and out of the house. They will remember mom as believing "nothing was ever good enough, she was never happy, must have been us". Do you want that?

Jealousy shows, and it ain't pretty.

Pure, unadulterated nastiness shows and it’s even more unattractive. This post is entirely over the top.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

I have a $1.5m new build in Vienna. We made some compromises on it too (busier road than we would have liked, smaller family room than we would have liked) but overall we love the location, walkability to everything, house and backyard.

Then I went into Mackall Farms the other day. Drove by a beautiful big house with plenty of privacy. And was jealous! LOL