How to avoid (ok - get over) house envy?

[Anonymous]

If you’re unhappy with your house and neighbors, OP, move! Honestly, why be unhappy when you don’t need to?

[Anonymous]

You need to stop at "we're all government employees, we know what they make." You DON'T know exactly what they make. You don't know if they invested early in apple, amazon, tesla. You actually don't know if they have family money! You don't know if they made a lot off past real estate.

But also, it's totally not your business. Your "house envy" is really indicative of other issues. You may want to address them. It's not a good look.

[Anonymous]

There is a TON of family money around here OP. You simply can't correlate income with anyone's daily lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop at "we're all government employees, we know what they make." You DON'T know exactly what they make. You don't know if they invested early in apple, amazon, tesla. You actually don't know if they have family money! You don't know if they made a lot off past real estate.

But also, it's totally not your business. Your "house envy" is really indicative of other issues. You may want to address them. It's not a good look.

+1

Grow up, OP. Take responsibility for your choices and your paths that you took. Own your sh*t - no one owes you damn thing.

I know people like you who get hand outs from their ILs or parents. Guess what? They are never happy, because it is never enough, and they are always trying to count other people's pennies. Guess what? You can't. No one is going to tell you everything, no matter how much you want them to, and not everything is on Google. Too bad, so sad.

MYOB and live your own life. Stay in your lane. Since you asked.

Here's an example: I don't have a beach house or a pool, but instead of lamenting what I don't have, I thank God that I survived my serious illness, and my homelessness. I also visit my friends with pools or beach houses whenever I am invited. Most importantly, I don't spend that time saying "why don't I have this???!" I spend my time soaking in the sun and the conversation, and thank God I have generous friends who love me enough to invite me.

You need to gain perspective and grow TF up, OP. No one owes you a damn thing. The sooner you know that, and live it, the happier you will be. Like we tell our young students, "eyes on your own paper". Before you know it, your kids (assuming you have some) will be grown and out of the house. They will remember mom as believing "nothing was ever good enough, she was never happy, must have been us". Do you want that?

Jealousy shows, and it ain't pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

OP here. Yes, this is a good way to frame the issue. I will keep working to remember this.

I'm just dreading that first tour through though. Oh! Bring the bathing suits so the kids can swim! Here is my Wolf range and one of our 4 bathrooms. Check out the in-law suite! Ugh. If I type it all here maybe I can start processing it now so I won't be so obviously terse during the visit.

I would love it if my friends had a pool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our house is great. We bought a few years ago and, in order to get the price we wanted, we compromised on some things. But, overall, it's a great house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our friends just bought a place near us for $400k more than we paid. We are all government employees, so we know what they make and the fact that they could pay that price is confounding to us. We know there is no family money there. They are just grinders like the rest of us. So the price, in and of itself, was shocking.

But even leaving the money aside (since we really don't know the truth about the entirety of their finances), I am SO ENVIOUS of the actual house that they bought. It's everything we would've wanted - no compromises. Ugh. I want to be happy for them - and I am, I think!- but I need to figure out how to get back into a place of peace and contentment about what I have vs. comparing it to what they have. I don't like feeling this way. Anyone with some advice?

OP. Girl. You know nothing about these people, except what they make. You don't know how they save or invest money. You don't know if their parents gave them a down payment. You don't know how much they made on the house they just sold.

$400k is not money to sneeze at. And...you bought a few years ago. If you'd waited, you might have been able to buy the house you wanted. Live your own life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. Ignore the posters who are being so nasty. Your feelings are your feelings.

Try to focus less on your colleagues and more on yourself. What do you feel when you look at your own home? Proud of what you’ve achieved? Proud of making balanced choices? Warm fuzzies, because you are surrounded by sentimental things? If a Wolf range was the most important thing to you, could you make that happen? (I’m guessing yes.) So since it apparently isn’t, just remember that you value your retirement account or emergency fund or annual beach trip or wherever you are choosing to put the money instead.

And I get it - my house is older and only partially updated. It certainly doesn’t meet the standards of today’s large new builds. But it is what it is, and I try to appreciate what I have and what I’ve actively chosen with my home and other life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

OP here. Yes, this is a good way to frame the issue. I will keep working to remember this.

I'm just dreading that first tour through though. Oh! Bring the bathing suits so the kids can swim! Here is my Wolf range and one of our 4 bathrooms. Check out the in-law suite! Ugh. If I type it all here maybe I can start processing it now so I won't be so obviously terse during the visit.

Yikes OP. If you’re this triggered by a Wolf range and need to mentally prepare to see a friend having four toilets ... yikes just yikes. I’m glad you’re not my friend.

+1

We have friends that are building a custom home in a custom neighborhood. I am sitting in a townhouse I bought nearly 20 years ago, and I don't see purchasing a larger house anytime soon. You know what? I CANNOT WAIT to see their new home. I hope it is everything they want it to be. Be a better friend a better person.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you included that you're all feds and have similar incomes is telling. You're not comparing yourself to the truly wealthy, but to what you perceived to be your peers. Because they're your peers, it stings a bit more, b/c you think you should be doing similarly.

In my social group (all in the same industry) we have people who bought much earlier than others. Also people who had kids easily and those who struggled to conceive. We bought the cheapest house, by far, of anyone in the group. We had our reasons and we're happy with our decision overall, but there're times when I feel twinges of envy, usually short lived, as I remind myself what we do have and that we should be grateful for it.

You chose to fund your kids' college funds instead of putting the money into the house. Ask yourself, would you trade for a bigger house but with less money for your kids? No you wouldn't. So you're investing in their future and should be proud of that.

[Anonymous]

Haha. My grandfather always said "Class is 20% more than what you can afford." And it's true! If someone has a private island with stables and a private runway, we tend to think "Wow!". But someone with kitchen appliances that are just slightly nicer can whip up the passions of the human heart. It's ok. It's normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

OP here. Yes, this is a good way to frame the issue. I will keep working to remember this.

I'm just dreading that first tour through though. Oh! Bring the bathing suits so the kids can swim! Here is my Wolf range and one of our 4 bathrooms. Check out the in-law suite! Ugh. If I type it all here maybe I can start processing it now so I won't be so obviously terse during the visit.

Yikes OP. If you’re this triggered by a Wolf range and need to mentally prepare to see a friend having four toilets ... yikes just yikes. I’m glad you’re not my friend.

+1

We have friends that are building a custom home in a custom neighborhood. I am sitting in a townhouse I bought nearly 20 years ago, and I don't see purchasing a larger house anytime soon. You know what? I CANNOT WAIT to see their new home. I hope it is everything they want it to be. Be a better friend a better person.

+1

Learn to be happy fo0r other people, OP. It is an extremely important trait for an adult to have. Be a good example to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

Exactly. People are always going to have some things better than you and you than them. We have friends in our neighborhood with an amazing home, but they dealt with infertility for years and ended up much older parents than planned. Also, my house is smaller/older than a lot of other people I know, but we live in a much hotter area (so our house actually cost more) and I wouldn’t trade square footage for a walkable close-in neighborhood. And I have a friend who owns a bunch of real estate thanks to her trust fund, but she is still single and wishes she could find someone to settle down with.

The point of this isn’t to say I have a better or worse life than anyone. Just simply to point out that you need to count your blessings as well. Sure I’d love a custom new build in my neighborhood, but I also managed to have pretty easy, neurotypical kids without infertility issues, a fast metabolism, a great husband, a secure career while others are losing their jobs, etc. So maybe I don’t have 11 foot ceilings and a mud room and a fancy kitchen like some other friends. It is what it is. I am saving up to hire a designer to at least make the most of the space we have.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you work on one improvement project at your house, like remodeling a bathroom or re-furnishing your living room? Then save the rest for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re probably house poor. My DH has a coworker who is always like, “You could afford a bigger house like me, why don’t you move?”

Because unlike them, we enjoy being able to afford two summer vacations a year, we enjoy money we spend on our hobby, and we enjoy our summer share cottage.

He never goes anywhere or does anything accept sit in that house. No thanks! No envy there.

NP here - this isn’t helpful framing to me, because the people I am envious of always seem to do these things, too!

So- and I know this sounds trite and is hard - I really really try to just focus on the good stuff in my own life. I like my house very much! Is it perfect, no. Are others better, yes. But I spend my time being happy about my house, the flowers blooming in front, the laundry chute that makes my life easier (haha), the fact that my teens have their own bedrooms, etc. And, if something reallt borhers le about my house (not bc of envy of another’s better house but because I really don’t like the feature in and of itself), then within reason I invest in fixing or changing it because I learned from prior home ownership that it is better to fix things when you can enjoy them, too (I never did that in our prior home and when we spruced up the house for sale, spouse and I wondered what took us so long!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop at "we're all government employees, we know what they make." You DON'T know exactly what they make. You don't know if they invested early in apple, amazon, tesla. You actually don't know if they have family money! You don't know if they made a lot off past real estate.

But also, it's totally not your business. Your "house envy" is really indicative of other issues. You may want to address them. It's not a good look.

+1

Grow up, OP. Take responsibility for your choices and your paths that you took. Own your sh*t - no one owes you damn thing.

I know people like you who get hand outs from their ILs or parents. Guess what? They are never happy, because it is never enough, and they are always trying to count other people's pennies. Guess what? You can't. No one is going to tell you everything, no matter how much you want them to, and not everything is on Google. Too bad, so sad.

MYOB and live your own life. Stay in your lane. Since you asked.

Here's an example: I don't have a beach house or a pool, but instead of lamenting what I don't have, I thank God that I survived my serious illness, and my homelessness. I also visit my friends with pools or beach houses whenever I am invited. Most importantly, I don't spend that time saying "why don't I have this???!" I spend my time soaking in the sun and the conversation, and thank God I have generous friends who love me enough to invite me.

You need to gain perspective and grow TF up, OP. No one owes you a damn thing. The sooner you know that, and live it, the happier you will be. Like we tell our young students, "eyes on your own paper". Before you know it, your kids (assuming you have some) will be grown and out of the house. They will remember mom as believing "nothing was ever good enough, she was never happy, must have been us". Do you want that?

Jealousy shows, and it ain't pretty.

Pure, unadulterated nastiness shows and it’s even more unattractive. This post is entirely over the top.