How to avoid (ok - get over) house envy?

[Anonymous]

It’s very human, OP, but the fact is that there will always be people you have more than you do. Always. And four bathrooms and pool is pretty over the top, which makes me think your whole scale might be skewed and need a reset.

It sounds like you’re doing great. Enjoy and be grateful for the position you’re in right now. So many would swap with you in a minute.

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the thief of joy. They prob have a much bigger mortgage if you’re right about their money situation. You could have bought a more expensive house and been more strapped too. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop at "we're all government employees, we know what they make." You DON'T know exactly what they make. You don't know if they invested early in apple, amazon, tesla. You actually don't know if they have family money! You don't know if they made a lot off past real estate.

But also, it's totally not your business. Your "house envy" is really indicative of other issues. You may want to address them. It's not a good look.

+1

Grow up, OP. Take responsibility for your choices and your paths that you took. Own your sh*t - no one owes you damn thing.

I know people like you who get hand outs from their ILs or parents. Guess what? They are never happy, because it is never enough, and they are always trying to count other people's pennies. Guess what? You can't. No one is going to tell you everything, no matter how much you want them to, and not everything is on Google. Too bad, so sad.

MYOB and live your own life. Stay in your lane. Since you asked.

Here's an example: I don't have a beach house or a pool, but instead of lamenting what I don't have, I thank God that I survived my serious illness, and my homelessness. I also visit my friends with pools or beach houses whenever I am invited. Most importantly, I don't spend that time saying "why don't I have this???!" I spend my time soaking in the sun and the conversation, and thank God I have generous friends who love me enough to invite me.

You need to gain perspective and grow TF up, OP. No one owes you a damn thing. The sooner you know that, and live it, the happier you will be. Like we tell our young students, "eyes on your own paper". Before you know it, your kids (assuming you have some) will be grown and out of the house. They will remember mom as believing "nothing was ever good enough, she was never happy, must have been us". Do you want that?

Jealousy shows, and it ain't pretty.

Pure, unadulterated nastiness shows and it’s even more unattractive. This post is entirely over the top.

Not nasty. Just saying OP doesn't have any real problems.

Also, what if that friend does have a perfect life? What if they do have nice things? So what. It has nothing to do with OP, and OP needs to either learn that, or get professional help for her insecurities. OP asked. WTH should OP care what other people have and don't have?

[Anonymous]

PP you seem to have a chip on your shoulder. Rein it in a bit--it's off putting, to put it mildly.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to be tied to that mortgage? I do not. Of course it's worth it to them, but it's not worth it to me.

The mortgage, taxes, cleaning, up keep, yard. Bigger house means bigger expenses. More time tied to work, paychecks, etc. Maybe they are receiving help from parents or inheritance, but all of that comes with issues too.

I'm happy with my little life, little family, personal goals. No swimming pool or wolf range required.

[Anonymous]

My friend is a new realtor who keep posting pics or 1+ million houses she's showing. I love my own much smaller house. I grew up in a house from the 1940s with tiny closets. My own house now has what I thought were incredible closets! But when I see my realtor friends pics of those closets my jaw drops. There's always something bigger and newer. I'm sure your friend with the fancy house lusted after some houses she couldn't afford too. Like someone probably liked your house when they were looking, but couldn't afford it.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to be envious, but it’s not ok to count other people’s money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. Ignore the posters who are being so nasty. Your feelings are your feelings.

Try to focus less on your colleagues and more on yourself. What do you feel when you look at your own home? Proud of what you’ve achieved? Proud of making balanced choices? Warm fuzzies, because you are surrounded by sentimental things? If a Wolf range was the most important thing to you, could you make that happen? (I’m guessing yes.) So since it apparently isn’t, just remember that you value your retirement account or emergency fund or annual beach trip or wherever you are choosing to put the money instead.

And I get it - my house is older and only partially updated. It certainly doesn’t meet the standards of today’s large new builds. But it is what it is, and I try to appreciate what I have and what I’ve actively chosen with my home and other life choices.

I could have written the above. I also think a PP makes a valid point, it stings a little bit because in your mind these people are 'peers', so it feels like you're missing something. It's different than having a HHI of $150K and being envious of the huge mansion owned by tech millionaires or families with two equity partners in a law firm.

PP above has some good advice, and I follow it myself since almost every single one of our friends has a new-ish build home two to three times the size of ours. We've consciously made a decision not to move, but at the same time I do feel a bit of envy. This past year spending so much time in our house I've really focused on the things we can afford that improve the feel of my home to me. We repainted two rooms, we finally replaced that old rug in the family room. I updated throw pillows. We bought a fire pit for the patio. We are replacing the front door. None of this is super exciting or terribly expensive, but they've moved us towards a space that I enjoy even more. It will never be our dream home, but I can make it the best that we can within our means.

We could afford a larger house, but prioritize savings for long term security at the expense of short-term things. For us, I know it's the right call, but yes on a day to day level it isn't always easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way for you to know if they have family money.Not everyone shares handouts and inheritances.

Or they have Zero student loans. Wise investments. Better savings. No other debt. Drive less expensive cars. etc.

I am a Fed, my husband IT.

We were DINKs for 7 years and saved aggressively.

When we bought our first home in a very desirable/wealthy neighborhood---we got a lot of eyebrow raises. People assumed a lot of inaccurate things. I got some very strange comments and passive aggressive remarks.

When we bought a 2nd home in another very desirable/wealthy neighborhood, tongues were really wagging.

We had zero outside help. In fact, we are the ones often financially helping other family members.

You have no idea what their actual situation is like. They could be living paycheck to paycheck, had a ton of savings for a hefty downpayment, or even an inheritance you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Op, get on Zillow and look at houses for $400k less than what you bought for. Look at all the pics of inside those houses. Then be thankful for what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop at "we're all government employees, we know what they make." You DON'T know exactly what they make. You don't know if they invested early in apple, amazon, tesla. You actually don't know if they have family money! You don't know if they made a lot off past real estate.

But also, it's totally not your business. Your "house envy" is really indicative of other issues. You may want to address them. It's not a good look.

agree

[Anonymous]

Work on your garden. It will make you feel good about your house and also will just make you feel good. And now’s the time before the mosquitoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you invested in decorating the way you like and carving out spots in your home for yourself?

I have decorated the way I like, although the bathrooms are still original and look tired. In addition to the baths, we would like to finish the basement for more space, but we keep suffering from sticker shock when getting estimates from contractors. In the end, we usually make the decision to keep throwing money into the college funds (as 2/3 of our kids will be in college in the next 5 years) and saying we can live with the house as-is. Undoubtedly, we can. It's just hard to accept that my house will likely never look like that gorgeous home they are moving into.

Either you’re mis-valuing your own priorities and really should spend some money upgrading your living space, or you should accept it about yourself and your friend that you value houses differently.

I have a MUCH more modest house than my peers (DH and I are both in biglaw) but I love love love not being house poor.

OP’s house COULD be that nice, but they have chosen to invest your resources elsewhere. That’s fine, but it is a choice.

[Anonymous]

We bought the cheapest house in the best neighborhood we could afford, OP. We don't necessarily envy others, but we'd love a larger home, because our cute little cottage only has one bathroom for 4 people.

However, we are also an international family with parents and siblings scattered across Europe and Asia. Pandemic excepted, we tighten our belts to afford trips to visit them. We save for college. We save for retirement. Thinking about all these things helps us survive our bathroom situation

[Anonymous]

This post doesn't really belong in the real estate forum. I think that this is about the mental health of the OP, it's not a normal or healthy position to be concerned about what your friends or neighbors are doing for themselves, especially when the concern is over something completely irrelevant to life. How would OP react to an actual challenge, like cancer or bankruptcy?