How to avoid (ok - get over) house envy?

[Anonymous]

Our house is great. We bought a few years ago and, in order to get the price we wanted, we compromised on some things. But, overall, it's a great house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our friends just bought a place near us for $400k more than we paid. We are all government employees, so we know what they make and the fact that they could pay that price is confounding to us. We know there is no family money there. They are just grinders like the rest of us. So the price, in and of itself, was shocking.

But even leaving the money aside (since we really don't know the truth about the entirety of their finances), I am SO ENVIOUS of the actual house that they bought. It's everything we would've wanted - no compromises. Ugh. I want to be happy for them - and I am, I think!- but I need to figure out how to get back into a place of peace and contentment about what I have vs. comparing it to what they have. I don't like feeling this way. Anyone with some advice?

[Anonymous]

Have you invested in decorating the way you like and carving out spots in your home for yourself?

[Anonymous]

The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

[Anonymous]

There is no way for you to know if they have family money.Not everyone shares handouts and inheritances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you invested in decorating the way you like and carving out spots in your home for yourself?

I have decorated the way I like, although the bathrooms are still original and look tired. In addition to the baths, we would like to finish the basement for more space, but we keep suffering from sticker shock when getting estimates from contractors. In the end, we usually make the decision to keep throwing money into the college funds (as 2/3 of our kids will be in college in the next 5 years) and saying we can live with the house as-is. Undoubtedly, we can. It's just hard to accept that my house will likely never look like that gorgeous home they are moving into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

OP here. Yes, this is a good way to frame the issue. I will keep working to remember this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

OP here. Yes, this is a good way to frame the issue. I will keep working to remember this.

I'm just dreading that first tour through though. Oh! Bring the bathing suits so the kids can swim! Here is my Wolf range and one of our 4 bathrooms. Check out the in-law suite! Ugh. If I type it all here maybe I can start processing it now so I won't be so obviously terse during the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way for you to know if they have family money.Not everyone shares handouts and inheritances.

Agreed. My dad was a bus driver. My sister and I split nearly $2million when he died. He inherited stocks from an uncle decades earlier and managed them well and lived frugally. No one who knows the bare facts of my life would have expected me to get that much, or think that dh and I have as much as we do.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with the same problem. We settled on a house to get out of our townhouse before the market prevented us being able to. It’s one bedroom too small, backs to a loud road, neighbors aren’t really friendly, basement in the summer is so humid it’s unusable..... the list goes on and on. I want to make the best out of it but it’s just stinks seeing these houses around me that are so much better for us and now that the market is crazy, we are stuck here. No suggestions, just I get it.

[Anonymous]

Go volunteer at a homeless shelter and think about what life would look like if you had a real problem.

Someone will always be prettier, richer, thinner, or smarter. And sometimes you're the one that others envy. Life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you invested in decorating the way you like and carving out spots in your home for yourself?

I have decorated the way I like, although the bathrooms are still original and look tired. In addition to the baths, we would like to finish the basement for more space, but we keep suffering from sticker shock when getting estimates from contractors. In the end, we usually make the decision to keep throwing money into the college funds (as 2/3 of our kids will be in college in the next 5 years) and saying we can live with the house as-is. Undoubtedly, we can. It's just hard to accept that my house will likely never look like that gorgeous home they are moving into.

Either you’re mis-valuing your own priorities and really should spend some money upgrading your living space, or you should accept it about yourself and your friend that you value houses differently.

I have a MUCH more modest house than my peers (DH and I are both in biglaw) but I love love love not being house poor.

[Anonymous]

Man lots of my friends have absolutely gorgeous homes and I am totally envious. But there are good reasons that we live in our house - it is an excellent location, is big enough for us, and the manageable mortgage allows us to focus on other priorities (college, travel, early retirement). So, I am able to be happy for them, envious and secure in my own choices. Mostly I just enjoy being invited over to my friend's houses and look forward to parties someday being hosted again at their lovely places!!

In the case of your friends, pull out a mortgage calculator, see their monthly payment would mean to your lifestyle, and rest easier.

[Anonymous]

They’re probably house poor. My DH has a coworker who is always like, “You could afford a bigger house like me, why don’t you move?”

Because unlike them, we enjoy being able to afford two summer vacations a year, we enjoy money we spend on our hobby, and we enjoy our summer share cottage.

He never goes anywhere or does anything accept sit in that house. No thanks! No envy there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

OP here. Yes, this is a good way to frame the issue. I will keep working to remember this.

I'm just dreading that first tour through though. Oh! Bring the bathing suits so the kids can swim! Here is my Wolf range and one of our 4 bathrooms. Check out the in-law suite! Ugh. If I type it all here maybe I can start processing it now so I won't be so obviously terse during the visit.

Yikes OP. If you’re this triggered by a Wolf range and need to mentally prepare to see a friend having four toilets ... yikes just yikes. I’m glad you’re not my friend.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I have a gorgeous house. I am a rape and abuse survivor. Tell me how jealous you are of my life.