How to avoid (ok - get over) house envy?

[Anonymous]

They are taking Russian bribes, clearly.

[Anonymous]

The tone of some of these replies is ridiculous. OP realizes she has house envy, an unpleasant but fairly harmless emotion, and asks for advice

Seriously some of you are projecting. What exactly, I don't know but it's totally uncalled for. Good for you in your perfect lives with no less than perfect emotions.

OP what helps me is being grateful for what I have, acknowledging I'm incredibly lucky and privileged, and realizing that house envy is just an emotion. It doesn't mean anything unless you let it. You don't know the full picture of your friends - they might envy you.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has fomo right now, people are insane. I kind of like my house and still feel the itch for something “new” because close friends of ours just bought and are moving farther out. It’s not you, it’s now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tone of some of these replies is ridiculous. OP realizes she has house envy, an unpleasant but fairly harmless emotion, and asks for advice

Seriously some of you are projecting. What exactly, I don't know but it's totally uncalled for. Good for you in your perfect lives with no less than perfect emotions.

OP what helps me is being grateful for what I have, acknowledging I'm incredibly lucky and privileged, and realizing that house envy is just an emotion. It doesn't mean anything unless you let it. You don't know the full picture of your friends - they might envy you.

This is a good response. It is totally normal. There are studies that show that what ones neighbors or colleagues have is directly related to how satisfied a person feels. Totally normal. But it is also insidious and, for some people, a source of deep unhappiness or really bad financial and life decisions. It's good you realize you have this, and I think you can figure out how to make yourself appreciate more of what you have and feel less envy.

Someone once said that envy is the worst of the seven deadly sins because it is only one you can't enjoy. Someone else said comparison is the thief of joy. Here in the DC rat race, this feeling is strong and constant if you don't control it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The house she has is part of the package that represents the totality of her existence. Would you like to have every single experience, asset, attribute, flaw, etc. that she has had? Thinking about such things in this way always helps me deal with envy.

OP here. Yes, this is a good way to frame the issue. I will keep working to remember this.

I'm just dreading that first tour through though. Oh! Bring the bathing suits so the kids can swim! Here is my Wolf range and one of our 4 bathrooms. Check out the in-law suite! Ugh. If I type it all here maybe I can start processing it now so I won't be so obviously terse during the visit.

You sound pretty awful, frankly. You are struggling SO MUCH with this that you are dreading visiting their new home and playing it out in your head. Get a grip. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple of people who got pretty large settlements through lawsuits (one car accident, one medical practice), several hundred thousand dollars. It could be something like that.

[Anonymous]

OP you are engaging in what is called an upward comparison in psychology. People who engage in upward comparisons all the time are less satisfied. It's good to do this sometimes, like at work for example, as it can motivate you to achieve a goal. But for optimal psychological health you need to also engage in some downward comparisons.

So my advice? Think about a friend whose house is smaller/not as nice as yours, that you are not jealous of. Think about how they must wish they had what you have. If you can't think of someone as it relates to houses, try to do it for some other area of life. Don't say any of it out loud. It is only for you to tell yourself internally.

My SIL does nothing but upward comparisons. Her friend crowd has a lot of money and she is always talking about how her house is too small/old, she isn't skinny enough, she doesn't have good hair, etc etc. I think it's so sad and I wonder how many of the people she hangs out with are real friends. They all seem obsessed with status and that would be so exhausting. The worst part is how much she talks about all this in front of her kids, especially her daughter. I think it's going to do some real damage to her daughter's self-esteem and that both kids' priorities may end up out of whack. My BIL is more grounded and I get the sense he is trying to steer their family away from some of the people in this social circle because their kids are pretty spoiled from what I've heard.

Another thing I would recommend is to find something to keep yourself busy with. You may already have a lot going on, but chances are there's something else you can do to get your mind off this kind of thing. One issue I think my SIL has is that she has too much time on her hands to think about stupid stuff. She is a SAHM and her kids are older and don't need her so much anymore. She really needs to get involved with something outside of her bubble and gives her more perspective, like some kind of volunteer work. Maybe you can find something like that too. The happiest people I know are the ones who are very focused on others and not much on themselves. They have a great sense of what is truly important in life and are so good at cultivating a sense of gratitude. Whenever I find myself getting jealous of someone over material things I think of my more community-minded friends and try to think of ways to be more like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I have a gorgeous house. I am a rape and abuse survivor. Tell me how jealous you are of my life.

So am I and my house is pretty modest and outdated. Really got the short end of the stick here, eh?

[Anonymous]

If you realize that your life is a blink of an eye, and you're going to not exist for eternity, you'll stop worrying about these absurd concerns. The last red dwarf star is going to check out 15 trillion years from now and you're likely only to exist for 40 of those years.

Stop with the worrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a beautiful house is actually not as fun as admiring other people's beautiful houses. I'm not saying it's terrible, but the admiring IS the fun part. They probably admire their own house sometimes, but they also deal with all the repairs, cleaning, heating bills, upkeep, etc, and that dilutes the pleasure.

We did a big reno. Our house looks amazing. Cooking is easier and less frustraing, but I am not any happier. It's just more to deal with.

I mean look. That's all well and good but it's easy to say when you're the one with the fabulous house.

Sometimes I read threads like this and it just feels like there are no human beings with the imperfections and complications that go along with being human who spend any time here.

It's like the people who say money can't buy happiness. Well SURE but not having money can sure buy unhappiness - and having money sure lets you ease some of the burden of unhappiness. I mean come ON.

OP - why not see if you can spend a little money fixing up your own house? Perhaps see this as the wake up call that you care more about having a nice house than you realized. You don't need to spend a ton Maybe a new couch would do it. Some new art. Something to make you feel excited about your house again. It sounds like you've been so responsible and diligent and all of a sudden it's hitting you that you like a nice house - well, give yourself a little of that! Maybe new sheets. Just something to make you feel a little special and fresh. There's no moral wrong with treating yourself to nice things sometimes.

And you are expressing extremely human points of view. I get a version of this with a good friend from grad school. I always wanted a relaxed laid back life, and it's what I've made for myself - while she's a super duper go getter who gets flown all over the world to give presentations. And while usually I feel good about my choices, when she calls me from the airport in wherever as she's coming home from giving another keynote, I do feel this little twinge of what the heck am I doing here. I KNOW day to day I have made the right choice for me - just like I'm sure it's right for you to have a more modest house so you can save for your kids' education - but yeah it can sometimes be annoying, or shocking, or whatever, when someone who was (or is) your equal seems to be racing on ahead of you.

Anyway - go swim in your friend's pool. Let yourself feel your human feelings

If they’re spending their free time posting here, I’d argue they’re far from perfect. Everyone on here is batshit. Myself included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must be completely broken. There was a time in my life when I felt some jealousy -- I remember there was this mom in the most luxurious SUV at preK dropoff and I used to think "wish I were driving that" instead of my then Denali. I was going through some really tough times at the time and I think those bad things were what caused me to envy material things of someone else. Yet, materially I was in a pretty good spot at the time.

But really, now there must be something wrong with me because I'm not particularly happy with what I've got, in fact I'm much less accomplished and poorer than every single one of my friends. I don't have some sort of glamorous education or family money to fall back on, I can barely keep the lights on some months but I don't ever envy others. I had dedicated my life completely to raising kids I could be proud of, but the teenage years have come and things aren't working out there. I should want for more, but I don't. I've just come to a point of complete acceptance.

I think its normal to want more out of life, I don't know what is wrong with me that I don't consider it, but I don't. I think doors start closing at certain ages and stages of life and you come to accept what isn't happening. Doesn't mean you have to love it, but you just know choices you made led you here and well, there isn't any going back.

Only in DCUMlandia would a lady in a 50k SUV be wallowing in misery at the sight of another parents fancier car at their kids private preschool. Y’all are all living in some sort of alternate reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has fomo right now, people are insane. I kind of like my house and still feel the itch for something “new” because close friends of ours just bought and are moving farther out. It’s not you, it’s now.

Social media has given you a private view of everyone’s lives. Except with a nice filter thrown on it. I think it’s only human to be sucked into that. I’m sure most people on here have Zillow’d a friends or acquaintances house at least once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our house is great. We bought a few years ago and, in order to get the price we wanted, we compromised on some things. But, overall, it's a great house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our friends just bought a place near us for $400k more than we paid. We are all government employees, so we know what they make and the fact that they could pay that price is confounding to us. We know there is no family money there. They are just grinders like the rest of us. So the price, in and of itself, was shocking.

But even leaving the money aside (since we really don't know the truth about the entirety of their finances), I am SO ENVIOUS of the actual house that they bought. It's everything we would've wanted - no compromises. Ugh. I want to be happy for them - and I am, I think!- but I need to figure out how to get back into a place of peace and contentment about what I have vs. comparing it to what they have. I don't like feeling this way. Anyone with some advice?

We are not government employees, but work in thr private sector making 500k+. We still live in thr same home we purchased in 2010 for 479k. We live in Ashburn and are surrounded by people who have homes that are that are new with spectacular floor plans and elevators seem to be all the rage now.

You know what makes me happy?

My oldest just got into MIT and we have no problem paying for it.

We have plans to retire together when we are 52 & 53

We already own our retirement home that we purchased as investors years ago while renters pay it off

We have a beach rental that was cash flow positive from day 1 and thanks to covid we have brought in 6 figures in rental income in the last year. We are already booked solid this summer starting late April and into late September. Shaping up to be another record breaking season.

None of this would be possible is we were strapped to huge mortgage foe a dream home.

I have no desire to work until I'm too old to travel. I'm happy that I will get to spend my best years doing what's love. I hope these beautiful homes people live in bring them thr same happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our house is great. We bought a few years ago and, in order to get the price we wanted, we compromised on some things. But, overall, it's a great house in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Our friends just bought a place near us for $400k more than we paid. We are all government employees, so we know what they make and the fact that they could pay that price is confounding to us. We know there is no family money there. They are just grinders like the rest of us. So the price, in and of itself, was shocking.

But even leaving the money aside (since we really don't know the truth about the entirety of their finances), I am SO ENVIOUS of the actual house that they bought. It's everything we would've wanted - no compromises. Ugh. I want to be happy for them - and I am, I think!- but I need to figure out how to get back into a place of peace and contentment about what I have vs. comparing it to what they have. I don't like feeling this way. Anyone with some advice?

We are not government employees, but work in thr private sector making 500k+. We still live in thr same home we purchased in 2010 for 479k. We live in Ashburn and are surrounded by people who have homes that are that are new with spectacular floor plans and elevators seem to be all the rage now.

You know what makes me happy?

My oldest just got into MIT and we have no problem paying for it.

We have plans to retire together when we are 52 & 53

We already own our retirement home that we purchased as investors years ago while renters pay it off

We have a beach rental that was cash flow positive from day 1 and thanks to covid we have brought in 6 figures in rental income in the last year. We are already booked solid this summer starting late April and into late September. Shaping up to be another record breaking season.

None of this would be possible is we were strapped to huge mortgage foe a dream home.

I have no desire to work until I'm too old to travel. I'm happy that I will get to spend my best years doing what's love. I hope these beautiful homes people live in bring them thr same happiness.

FYI. Most people don’t want to retire in their prime years. They enjoy their jobs. Also most people have PTO which they use to travel.

[Anonymous]

I have a spectacular house that I truly love, but.....

We are kinda house poor. Even getting furnishings for our amazing house has been a struggle. A lot of our house is unfurnished. Even getting a new bed for my child who just Outgrew the crib is a bit of a struggle.

I don’t regret it exactly because I do love my house so very much. But money is a huge stressor and sometimes I worry we took it too far with this house.