How to avoid (ok - get over) house envy?

[Anonymous]

Age. By the time you can afford it, you don't care anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post doesn't really belong in the real estate forum. I think that this is about the mental health of the OP, it's not a normal or healthy position to be concerned about what your friends or neighbors are doing for themselves, especially when the concern is over something completely irrelevant to life. How would OP react to an actual challenge, like cancer or bankruptcy?

This is OP. I’m reading all of the responses and considering their viewpoints, even the ones that are kind of mean. That said, don’t assume we haven’t had any challenges. My DH has survived a very serious, nearly lethal, illness. We both grew up in dangerous situations. Just because I need a little guidance getting through an admittedly petty moment in my life doesn’t mean that I haven’t overcome some serious challenges.

It’s obviously more than just the Wolf range, although the pool and the size of the home are seriously drool-worthy. It’s more that I need reinforcement at times to stick with our goal of fully funding college for our kids and building up retirement. Many of these comments have been helpful towards reorienting my perspective and a little commiseration always helps in the short-term, so I appreciate those who have responded accordingly.

But the immediate PP can STFU.

[Anonymous]

Oh! And I started this post in Off-Topic. I can only assume that Jeff moved it to Real Estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go volunteer at a homeless shelter and think about what life would look like if you had a real problem.

Someone will always be prettier, richer, thinner, or smarter. And sometimes you're the one that others envy. Life!

Everyone’s problems are real to them. Maybe some homeless people are living in bliss.

This is not to say that some people don’t have it easier than others, but to say that my issues still exist regardless of others’ issues.

[Anonymous]

Having a beautiful house is actually not as fun as admiring other people's beautiful houses. I'm not saying it's terrible, but the admiring IS the fun part. They probably admire their own house sometimes, but they also deal with all the repairs, cleaning, heating bills, upkeep, etc, and that dilutes the pleasure.

We did a big reno. Our house looks amazing. Cooking is easier and less frustraing, but I am not any happier. It's just more to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post doesn't really belong in the real estate forum. I think that this is about the mental health of the OP, it's not a normal or healthy position to be concerned about what your friends or neighbors are doing for themselves, especially when the concern is over something completely irrelevant to life. How would OP react to an actual challenge, like cancer or bankruptcy?

+1

OP, your perspective is skewed and you sound extremely privileged and ungrateful. This area is full of people just like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you included that you're all feds and have similar incomes is telling. You're not comparing yourself to the truly wealthy, but to what you perceived to be your peers. Because they're your peers, it stings a bit more, b/c you think you should be doing similarly.

In my social group (all in the same industry) we have people who bought much earlier than others. Also people who had kids easily and those who struggled to conceive. We bought the cheapest house, by far, of anyone in the group. We had our reasons and we're happy with our decision overall, but there're times when I feel twinges of envy, usually short lived, as I remind myself what we do have and that we should be grateful for it.

You chose to fund your kids' college funds instead of putting the money into the house. Ask yourself, would you trade for a bigger house but with less money for your kids? No you wouldn't. So you're investing in their future and should be proud of that.

This. Almost everyone does this--comparing themselves to their peers. I have to remind myself that someone else may envy me while I waste time envying someone else. So I just try to be grateful for what I have.
American society does not celebrate this sort of thinking bc we have a mentality that we always need to size up and have the best and shiniest. Just work on it a bit OP. It takes practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop at "we're all government employees, we know what they make." You DON'T know exactly what they make. You don't know if they invested early in apple, amazon, tesla. You actually don't know if they have family money! You don't know if they made a lot off past real estate.

But also, it's totally not your business. Your "house envy" is really indicative of other issues. You may want to address them. It's not a good look.

+1

Grow up, OP. Take responsibility for your choices and your paths that you took. Own your sh*t - no one owes you damn thing.

I know people like you who get hand outs from their ILs or parents. Guess what? They are never happy, because it is never enough, and they are always trying to count other people's pennies. Guess what? You can't. No one is going to tell you everything, no matter how much you want them to, and not everything is on Google. Too bad, so sad.

MYOB and live your own life. Stay in your lane. Since you asked.

Here's an example: I don't have a beach house or a pool, but instead of lamenting what I don't have, I thank God that I survived my serious illness, and my homelessness. I also visit my friends with pools or beach houses whenever I am invited. Most importantly, I don't spend that time saying "why don't I have this???!" I spend my time soaking in the sun and the conversation, and thank God I have generous friends who love me enough to invite me.

You need to gain perspective and grow TF up, OP. No one owes you a damn thing. The sooner you know that, and live it, the happier you will be. Like we tell our young students, "eyes on your own paper". Before you know it, your kids (assuming you have some) will be grown and out of the house. They will remember mom as believing "nothing was ever good enough, she was never happy, must have been us". Do you want that?

Jealousy shows, and it ain't pretty.

Pure, unadulterated nastiness shows and it’s even more unattractive. This post is entirely over the top.

Not nasty. Just saying OP doesn't have any real problems.

Also, what if that friend does have a perfect life? What if they do have nice things? So what. It has nothing to do with OP, and OP needs to either learn that, or get professional help for her insecurities. OP asked. WTH should OP care what other people have and don't have?

Go take a nap or go eat a snickers

[Anonymous]

OP, are you crossing a milestone in your life? Turning 40, 45, or 50?

I’m thinking maybe you’re taking stock of your life, and asking yourself, “How did I get here?”

And maybe your friend’s new home just heightens the tension.

Thanks for sharing your story. One thing that struck me is that you have three kids. As well a being a lovely blessing, raising three children, even two, is quite the financial undertaking these days, thanks in part to crazy college costs. If you had only one child, that would be 400k, maybe, in college tuition that you could put toward a house.

But aren’t you glad you have three kids? Frankly, I’m jealous of you, I think three would be so wonderful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a beautiful house is actually not as fun as admiring other people's beautiful houses. I'm not saying it's terrible, but the admiring IS the fun part. They probably admire their own house sometimes, but they also deal with all the repairs, cleaning, heating bills, upkeep, etc, and that dilutes the pleasure.

We did a big reno. Our house looks amazing. Cooking is easier and less frustraing, but I am not any happier. It's just more to deal with.

I mean look. That's all well and good but it's easy to say when you're the one with the fabulous house.

Sometimes I read threads like this and it just feels like there are no human beings with the imperfections and complications that go along with being human who spend any time here.

It's like the people who say money can't buy happiness. Well SURE but not having money can sure buy unhappiness - and having money sure lets you ease some of the burden of unhappiness. I mean come ON.

OP - why not see if you can spend a little money fixing up your own house? Perhaps see this as the wake up call that you care more about having a nice house than you realized. You don't need to spend a ton Maybe a new couch would do it. Some new art. Something to make you feel excited about your house again. It sounds like you've been so responsible and diligent and all of a sudden it's hitting you that you like a nice house - well, give yourself a little of that! Maybe new sheets. Just something to make you feel a little special and fresh. There's no moral wrong with treating yourself to nice things sometimes.

And you are expressing extremely human points of view. I get a version of this with a good friend from grad school. I always wanted a relaxed laid back life, and it's what I've made for myself - while she's a super duper go getter who gets flown all over the world to give presentations. And while usually I feel good about my choices, when she calls me from the airport in wherever as she's coming home from giving another keynote, I do feel this little twinge of what the heck am I doing here. I KNOW day to day I have made the right choice for me - just like I'm sure it's right for you to have a more modest house so you can save for your kids' education - but yeah it can sometimes be annoying, or shocking, or whatever, when someone who was (or is) your equal seems to be racing on ahead of you.

Anyway - go swim in your friend's pool. Let yourself feel your human feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post doesn't really belong in the real estate forum. I think that this is about the mental health of the OP, it's not a normal or healthy position to be concerned about what your friends or neighbors are doing for themselves, especially when the concern is over something completely irrelevant to life. How would OP react to an actual challenge, like cancer or bankruptcy?

This is OP. I’m reading all of the responses and considering their viewpoints, even the ones that are kind of mean. That said, don’t assume we haven’t had any challenges. My DH has survived a very serious, nearly lethal, illness. We both grew up in dangerous situations. Just because I need a little guidance getting through an admittedly petty moment in my life doesn’t mean that I haven’t overcome some serious challenges.

It’s obviously more than just the Wolf range, although the pool and the size of the home are seriously drool-worthy. It’s more that I need reinforcement at times to stick with our goal of fully funding college for our kids and building up retirement. Many of these comments have been helpful towards reorienting my perspective and a little commiseration always helps in the short-term, so I appreciate those who have responded accordingly.

But the immediate PP can STFU.

Ahhh- you had me until the last sentence. A lot of people have been really helpful. You chose to single out one post you didn’t like and clapped back unnecessarily hard. Don’t lower yourself like that, OP. It’s a stranger who doesn’t know you at all. Ignore it.

[Anonymous]

I must be completely broken. There was a time in my life when I felt some jealousy -- I remember there was this mom in the most luxurious SUV at preK dropoff and I used to think "wish I were driving that" instead of my then Denali. I was going through some really tough times at the time and I think those bad things were what caused me to envy material things of someone else. Yet, materially I was in a pretty good spot at the time.

But really, now there must be something wrong with me because I'm not particularly happy with what I've got, in fact I'm much less accomplished and poorer than every single one of my friends. I don't have some sort of glamorous education or family money to fall back on, I can barely keep the lights on some months but I don't ever envy others. I had dedicated my life completely to raising kids I could be proud of, but the teenage years have come and things aren't working out there. I should want for more, but I don't. I've just come to a point of complete acceptance.

I think its normal to want more out of life, I don't know what is wrong with me that I don't consider it, but I don't. I think doors start closing at certain ages and stages of life and you come to accept what isn't happening. Doesn't mean you have to love it, but you just know choices you made led you here and well, there isn't any going back.

[Anonymous]

They probably have some family money. That’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you crossing a milestone in your life? Turning 40, 45, or 50?

I’m thinking maybe you’re taking stock of your life, and asking yourself, “How did I get here?”

And maybe your friend’s new home just heightens the tension.

Thanks for sharing your story. One thing that struck me is that you have three kids. As well a being a lovely blessing, raising three children, even two, is quite the financial undertaking these days, thanks in part to crazy college costs. If you had only one child, that would be 400k, maybe, in college tuition that you could put toward a house.

But aren’t you glad you have three kids? Frankly, I’m jealous of you, I think three would be so wonderful!

Thank you for your post. Yes, I am one of the ages you listed and it may very well be that part of this is the reconciliation of “what will never be” with “look at all you have accomplished and have been blessed with.” Sometimes it’s hard to stop striving for the unnecessary and stay grateful for the blessings. Your post made me tear up so I do appreciate the sentiment and your kind words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post doesn't really belong in the real estate forum. I think that this is about the mental health of the OP, it's not a normal or healthy position to be concerned about what your friends or neighbors are doing for themselves, especially when the concern is over something completely irrelevant to life. How would OP react to an actual challenge, like cancer or bankruptcy?

This is OP. I’m reading all of the responses and considering their viewpoints, even the ones that are kind of mean. That said, don’t assume we haven’t had any challenges. My DH has survived a very serious, nearly lethal, illness. We both grew up in dangerous situations. Just because I need a little guidance getting through an admittedly petty moment in my life doesn’t mean that I haven’t overcome some serious challenges.

It’s obviously more than just the Wolf range, although the pool and the size of the home are seriously drool-worthy. It’s more that I need reinforcement at times to stick with our goal of fully funding college for our kids and building up retirement. Many of these comments have been helpful towards reorienting my perspective and a little commiseration always helps in the short-term, so I appreciate those who have responded accordingly.

But the immediate PP can STFU.

Ahhh- you had me until the last sentence. A lot of people have been really helpful. You chose to single out one post you didn’t like and clapped back unnecessarily hard. Don’t lower yourself like that, OP. It’s a stranger who doesn’t know you at all. Ignore it.

You’re right- I took the bait. It’s just hard when people think you have nothing else to do but look wistfully over at your friend’s house and wish that there was more. We all have challenges- some of the harder ones are easier to bear down through and overcome whereas these silly, stupid, shallow things are like invisible fishing line in which we easily get caught. Still, I appreciate your straightforward kindness. Sometimes we all need to receive constructive criticism!