Aspergers, fighting and contemplating divorce

[Anonymous]

Omg yes this is my life to a t as well.
How do I reclaim myself? The 25 years of criticism and rage had left me numb and mad at myself
I feel so beaten down I don’t even know who I am anymore

[Anonymous]

I fully get how it's dangerous to diagnose people.

My brother seems very Asperger's. He eats the same five foods in rotation, and is terribly triggered by anything outside those things. For years he has bragged about not travelling outside his county. Every day, every DAY he paddles around the river in a circle a block from his house in Portland, Oregon. A place with wonderful places to kayak. He's smart-ish and only reads books about dead presidents - nothing else. He's obsessed with rich people and how bad and evil they are. Every phone call ends with rants about terrible rich.

He's Asperger's right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fully get how it's dangerous to diagnose people.

My brother seems very Asperger's. He eats the same five foods in rotation, and is terribly triggered by anything outside those things. For years he has bragged about not travelling outside his county. Every day, every DAY he paddles around the river in a circle a block from his house in Portland, Oregon. A place with wonderful places to kayak. He's smart-ish and only reads books about dead presidents - nothing else. He's obsessed with rich people and how bad and evil they are. Every phone call ends with rants about terrible rich.

He's Asperger's right?

Ask his roommates or significant other about matching the symptoms.
Do you even live in Oregon? Have you ever seen him maxed out by life and responsibilities? What happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone contemplating divorce due to Aspergers and oppositional personality or already been through it, with kids?

I'm really struggling. Being home all the time during Covid makes me realize what I've been living with - no more rose-colored glasses. Lots of arguments between us, and between husband and early elementary-aged kid, and then they're all lovey-dovey later, even after dad says "shut up" to the kid and tells me to "just leave the room" (today's fun, and no apologies). It's not a healthy environment. I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years, but husband just isn't into therapy and really doesn't think he has much to improve on. He is a great friend and family member to others but at home, it's a different story. He seems to have learned how to keep his friends from seeing this side of him. I deal with verbal abuse sometimes - those Aspie tantrums you read about. He learned how to tame them when I was pregnant, so I was hopeful he would be open to more change, along with me, in therapy. But no. I really hate the meanness of being told to "get a real job" when I work part-time and manage everything because his Aspie organizational skills only apply to his job specialization, and the daily stuff is a challenge. He would never admit to that. (Our finances are manageable.) I fear if we get divorced that the logistics of it would be a nightmare for our child, and that husband wouldn't be able to manage the meals, clothing, a regular sleep/eating schedule, keeping up with emails (he never opens/answers any of the school related ones), etc. And that having a respectful, good communication co-parenting situation would never fly. And did I mention the marriage became sexless after pregnancy?
-Random woman's 3am rant.

I have a husband with ADHD and autism so I understand your struggle. I also work part time because we have two sons with autism. I'm the main caretaker for everyone.
I don't have any answers for you, at times I also wish I could break free and live my own life. I am weary of the day to day struggle. But at the same time I love my husband and family and try to make it work. One day at a time.
If you're not already doing so, a family therapist helps.

[Anonymous]

I see my moms 75 yo friend and her live-in 40 yo aspie son and aspie spouse, and her divorced aspie older son. Nothing she did worked for any of them. The codependency is fierce. She kept them alive by simplifying heir lives drastically. She can barely hold a conversation and it too will be at a shallow level.

They basically stay home all day and take the same trip to sit in a forest every summer. They never go out to dinner, travel, no sports or interests, can’t follow conversations. She does simple stuff like sew, garden, sing. Thankfully they have some rental properties she manages and a nicely appreciated home. That used to be in the middle of nowhere but now has a subdivision behind it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see my moms 75 yo friend and her live-in 40 yo aspie son and aspie spouse, and her divorced aspie older son. Nothing she did worked for any of them. The codependency is fierce. She kept them alive by simplifying heir lives drastically. She can barely hold a conversation and it too will be at a shallow level.

They basically stay home all day and take the same trip to sit in a forest every summer. They never go out to dinner, travel, no sports or interests, can’t follow conversations. She does simple stuff like sew, garden, sing. Thankfully they have some rental properties she manages and a nicely appreciated home. That used to be in the middle of nowhere but now has a subdivision behind it.

That doesn't sound so bad? I don't get it. Yes, I would be bored, but they seem content and man, these days that counts for a lot.

[Anonymous]

Yes, married 37 years and I'm fixing up the house to sell. Both of us will divide the proceeds and find separate living accommodations. Our only child is grown and moved away. We are both older and retired. I just can't take all the meltdowns and anger anymore. He hits me, screams in my ears, calls me horrible names and tells me hes going to kill me. I feel emotionally drained from the bickering. I am very hurt and feel used by the treatment I have endured for all these years, so I live with ongoing resentment and lonliness I would tell anyone to do yourself a big favor and divorce or at least separate while you are young. Don't wait until age 65. A few days after our wedding, he announced to me that he doesn't want to be married but we won't tell anyone and it will be our little secret. He said people would be very disappointed in him and he didn't want to look like a loser. So, he stayed at the bar every night after work. He waited until I was in bed to avoid me. This went on for 30 years without any sex, affection or intimacy. When i needed a hug, he would shove me to the ground. He was always financially generous with me and said he felt guilty he could never give me what I needed. Recently he admitted he never loved or even liked me and couldn't find anything to respect me for. Today, he says he thinks he loves me but he's not entirely sure. I am slowly backing off from needing him. Don't expect these men to behave in a rational way. They have very bad short term memory problems and it seems like gaslighting but it's not. He follows under age teen girls through the store and he looks like a pervert. When i ask him to stop he calls me a liar. Im a retired school teacher who taught special education and loved my job. But its entirely different having to deal with a grown adult who wont try meds or therapy. He feels any authority figure are just a waste of time.There are just too many problems and it's never too late even at 65, I'm determined to live my final years of old age in peace and quiet. Finally, I will be giving myself a gift instead of always worrying if other people are happy. Take it from me, these men DO NOT change. There will never be any reciprocal conversation or empathy from them. The meltdowns will NEVER go away. They will NEVER care about your opinion or have any interest in your life as a person. They get worse as They age and they no longer mask!

[Anonymous]

I am an NT wife married to an undiagnosed ASD spouse. We've managed to make it to 37 years of marriage. The secret is to NOT depend on them for anything at all! My husband provided financially and that was all, which I was grateful to him for. They can't and won't be able to meet your other needs so don't even ask them to. Find other things to bring you joy and happiness. If you are financially independent I would strongly advise you to divorce them and date or marry someone who can meet your other needs. Otherwise you will look back on your life and feel cheated out of things you missed out on. Don't make the mistake of having children with them because they don't parent properly and it will be solely on your shoulders. Your adult children will resent you and will inherit the same strange selfish traits as the aspie. They watch and learn through their childhood how your aspie spouse treats you and will copy. Its shocking how blunt and disrespectful they become as adult children. If your aspie has addictions, they will follow in his footsteps no matter how hard to try to prevent it. So, if you think you're doing your kids a favor by staying with their father, it simply isn't true.

Today we are older and retired. It doesnt get better but only worse because now your children are gone and you are now focused on eachother. If your aspie neglected you during your marriage you will feel pure resentment towards them. It won't be the retirement you imagined but pure hell and regret. If you spent years surrounded by people and things to fill in the gaps and keep you happy, you are now completely exposed and it will hit you like a brick wall. Your health, wellbeing and self esteem will plummet. Your aspie will have more extreme melt downs and rage episodes. Striking out at me with cussing and swearing not to mention physical abuse. Its a lose lose situation and I'm still considering finding a more suitable place to live just for my sanity. If I thought things could get this bad I would have left decades ago. If your reading this and thinking that I knew about his Aspurgers and realized what I was getting myself into, you are wrong. He was barely diagnosed 3 months ago!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
On the big Divorce questions. Has anyone reading this had a successful divorce, in which their ASD partner particpates fully with the divorce plan? How do the courts view an ASD diagnosis in terms of custody? (again we don't have one) Is there any oversite? I hate the idea of involving the courts. I know at least one poster above has said that their spouse was easier to deal with after the divorce, so that is a good thing. I myself fear a knock down drag out scenario with a lot of extenuating circumstances.

Thanks for the positive words/thoughts on here.

NP here. So, my exdh does not have a ASD dx. He was dx as ADHD as a child (upon failure of 2nd grade). He never received any help and of course, thinks he doesn't have it-he is literally textbook ADHD! (we do have a dc with autism). We just finalized last month and started shared parenting.

The ADHD stuff meant nothing in terms of custody. My state presumes 50/50 unless you are like a murderer or committed to the asylum. My dc is 7 (we have grown kids but of course they are not part of custody). I did purposely wait because dc is now able to at least tell me what is happening and ask for food and stuff. Anyhow, we never went to court (the vast majority of divorces do not) and our parenting plan is a standard one for our state. I hired a good lawyer and she advised me well and I got as much decision making put in there as I could and also explicity laid out custody times and dates. His lawyer basically told him to sign, that this is how it is.

So far, it's going 'ok' I guess. Dc is happy enough. I did, however, have to call the school this week after I found out that dc had been sent to school in the same long sleeve shirt two days in a row (it was dirty and it was 85 degrees) and ask them to notify me if dc shows up unkempt or out of dress code (the school was helpful and professional about it). Exdh has the same amount of uniform clothes as I do (we split them together and equally) so I said, where are dc's short sleeve shirts? He said, I don't have any...I said LOOK AGAIN and they were hanging right were we put them! And he claimed to not have socks...he has socks and even if he didn't, he drives past walmart and target at least twice a day! But, he's already found time and organization to get himself an OLD profile LOL he needs a warning label!

Anyhow, I do believe that it's better for dc to have one stable, normal home 50 percent of the time than a dysfunctional home 100 percent of the time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry about the weird quote box above, here is what I wrote-

NP here. So, my exdh does not have a ASD dx. He was dx as ADHD as a child (upon failure of 2nd grade). He never received any help and of course, thinks he doesn't have it-he is literally textbook ADHD! (we do have a dc with autism). We just finalized last month and started shared parenting.

The ADHD stuff meant nothing in terms of custody. My state presumes 50/50 unless you are like a murderer or committed to the asylum. My dc is 7 (we have grown kids but of course they are not part of custody). I did purposely wait because dc is now able to at least tell me what is happening and ask for food and stuff. Anyhow, we never went to court (the vast majority of divorces do not) and our parenting plan is a standard one for our state. I hired a good lawyer and she advised me well and I got as much decision making put in there as I could and also explicity laid out custody times and dates. His lawyer basically told him to sign, that this is how it is.

So far, it's going 'ok' I guess. Dc is happy enough. I did, however, have to call the school this week after I found out that dc had been sent to school in the same long sleeve shirt two days in a row (it was dirty and it was 85 degrees) and ask them to notify me if dc shows up unkempt or out of dress code (the school was helpful and professional about it). Exdh has the same amount of uniform clothes as I do (we split them together and equally) so I said, where are dc's short sleeve shirts? He said, I don't have any...I said LOOK AGAIN and they were hanging right were we put them! And he claimed to not have socks...he has socks and even if he didn't, he drives past walmart and target at least twice a day! But, he's already found time and organization to get himself an OLD profile LOL he needs a warning label!

Anyhow, I do believe that it's better for dc to have one stable, normal home 50 percent of the time than a dysfunctional home 100 percent of the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an NT wife married to an undiagnosed ASD spouse. We've managed to make it to 37 years of marriage. The secret is to NOT depend on them for anything at all!

My husband provided financially and that was all, which I was grateful to him for. They can't and won't be able to meet your other needs so don't even ask them to. Find other things to bring you joy and happiness. If you are financially independent I would strongly advise you to divorce them and date or marry someone who can meet your other needs. Otherwise you will look back on your life and feel cheated out of things you missed out on.

Don't make the mistake of having children with them because they don't parent properly and it will be solely on your shoulders. Your adult children will resent you and will inherit the same strange selfish traits as the aspie. They watch and learn through their childhood how your aspie spouse treats you and will copy. It’s shocking how blunt and disrespectful they become as adult children.

If your aspie has addictions, they will follow in his footsteps no matter how hard to try to prevent it. So, if you think you're doing your kids a favor by staying with their father, it simply isn't true.

Today we are older and retired. It doesnt get better but only worse because now your children are gone and you are now focused on eachother. If your aspie neglected you during your marriage you will feel pure resentment towards them. It won't be the retirement you imagined but pure hell and regret. If you spent years surrounded by people and things to fill in the gaps and keep you happy, you are now completely exposed and it will hit you like a brick wall. Your health, wellbeing and self esteem will plummet. Your aspie will have more extreme melt downs and rage episodes. Striking out at me with cussing and swearing not to mention physical abuse. Its a lose lose situation and I'm still considering finding a more suitable place to live just for my sanity. If I thought things could get this bad I would have left decades ago. If your reading this and thinking that I knew about his Aspurgers and realized what I was getting myself into, you are wrong. He was barely diagnosed 3 months ago!

This.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an NT wife married to an undiagnosed ASD spouse. We've managed to make it to 37 years of marriage. The secret is to NOT depend on them for anything at all!

My husband provided financially and that was all, which I was grateful to him for. They can't and won't be able to meet your other needs so don't even ask them to. Find other things to bring you joy and happiness. If you are financially independent I would strongly advise you to divorce them and date or marry someone who can meet your other needs. Otherwise you will look back on your life and feel cheated out of things you missed out on.

Don't make the mistake of having children with them because they don't parent properly and it will be solely on your shoulders. Your adult children will resent you and will inherit the same strange selfish traits as the aspie. They watch and learn through their childhood how your aspie spouse treats you and will copy. It’s shocking how blunt and disrespectful they become as adult children.

If your aspie has addictions, they will follow in his footsteps no matter how hard to try to prevent it. So, if you think you're doing your kids a favor by staying with their father, it simply isn't true.

Today we are older and retired. It doesnt get better but only worse because now your children are gone and you are now focused on eachother. If your aspie neglected you during your marriage you will feel pure resentment towards them. It won't be the retirement you imagined but pure hell and regret. If you spent years surrounded by people and things to fill in the gaps and keep you happy, you are now completely exposed and it will hit you like a brick wall. Your health, wellbeing and self esteem will plummet. Your aspie will have more extreme melt downs and rage episodes. Striking out at me with cussing and swearing not to mention physical abuse. Its a lose lose situation and I'm still considering finding a more suitable place to live just for my sanity. If I thought things could get this bad I would have left decades ago. If your reading this and thinking that I knew about his Aspurgers and realized what I was getting myself into, you are wrong. He was barely diagnosed 3 months ago!

This.

Thank you.

I’m divorcing my spouse because I do not want this future. After 18 years.

I have teens, and the thought of living this lonely and frustrating life became agony.

It took me four years to make this decision. And it was solely around finances. I had a very unstable childhood, from a money standpoint, and to me, having a home, savings, food, retirement, was enough for a long time.

I clung to that for so long. Eventually, I realized it did not outweigh what I was giving up. Things will be different, but I will still have stability.

I will have nearly sole custody because their dad didn’t want 50/50. Surprise, surprise.

Get out.

[Anonymous]

All these ADHD, Asperger's, spectrum observations sound like my ex.
Except he was just an a-hole.
He was perfectly fine, in fact went overboard, when around his parents. He puts his best foot forward around them.

How did it all play out after he moved out? The kids only have dinner with him on the allotted overnights. His place is filthy. The kids say their faces break out after sleeping there which is why they stopped. He no longer takes out his angst at the kids either because he knows they'd report it straight to me and I'd do something about it. So he's a decently behaved parent. And finally treating me with civility.
He's just a lazy slob who's had a spoiled upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes 100% right here with you. DH is newly diagnosed, doesn't have the tantrums, just shuts down and ignores what he wants and relentlessly pursues his own issues. He has a constant need to control myself and our kids. He completely ignored Easter, certainly didn't help with any of it, and was just obsessively focused on DC's roblox time over that 24 hours. He wants the "bad" behavior of his kids gone, and thinks I have a magic wand to do so. Has no actual parenting solutions. Meanwhile, he comes down as such a hammer on them. I'm worried for them if I go (not physically), but am finding it harder to see how I stay. I'm sorry OP, have you found any good resources?

+1, I hear you. I have to do all of the strategic thinking and planning and reminding because he will shut down and pursue only what concerns him. He will micromanage ridiculous things but miss the big picture stuff. Doesn't care about holidays or kids activities or vacations unless they involve something he is specifically interested in. Believe it or not, he's more interested in going to Disney World than our kids are, so that's where we're going on our next vacation. In the future, I imagine him sitting around all day watching movies only he's interested in and listening to music that only appeals to him. At that point, either I stand there like a fool trying to rationalize the situation-- maybe join the married but living separately crew?-- or find someone who cares to ask what movie I'd like to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is the same. Denies hfa despite our son being diagnosed. He literally reads like a textbook definition but managed to fool me before marriage. The masking is real and so is the denial. After he got kids out of me sex and any physical contact completely stopped. Please post support groups if possible. It is very lonely but I’d be terrified of him having part time custody. He’s lost our child before, forgotten to feed, appropriately cloth for the weather etc.

Same here. If we travel and explore parks or museums, I have to be the vigilant one making sure we’re keeping track of our kids. He will lose them in 10 seconds. Even the clothing issue sounds familiar. Sure, our kids like to wear tee shirts in cold weather, but he has to support me insisting they put on a jacket. (And do other things like brush their teeth, bathe, clean the rooms. If I did not push this stuff every d$mn day, social services would be at our door.