Aspergers, fighting and contemplating divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years,"

If you've tried six therapists over a few years...maybe the issue is you?

I dunno. PP with ASD spouse. A few therapists have fired us because they didn't feel like they could work with the ASD spouse. But they always offered to do individual counseling with me.

Have seen that too. Saw my HFA ASD spouse name call the therapist, she asked for clarification and he denied even saying it, two minutes later. Like he gaslights with me all the time.

She said this won’t work.

Just curious what general geographical area was the therapist located?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. ..

I got some homework for you.
Start here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Also a question, when you say.. therapy.. do you mean you used specialized therapy for Asperger marriages or just a random therapist who happens to know what Asperger is and treats kids and young adults.

You need a professional who specializes in the marriage counseling of Neurotypical + Aspergers.

I think she is somewhat an expert on the topic and can recommend you local professional.
go over this page in its entirety .. there is a lot of info that might be of help to you on the mid and bottom of it..
https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/sarah-swenson-20110804

You may need a life coach for your husband also as they tend to need someone who train them rather
then just analyze. Not to say that you both need counseling too.

OP here. You write "I got some homework for you." What makes you think that I haven't read this link already? I have. I am glad you posted them for others reading this - it is very important information. Sad and important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry.

My BIL is like that - and their oldest child has inherited the disease. They live 3 hours away and we only see them a couple of times a year but boy, I'd shoot myself in the head if I had to spend a week in that household. The dude's always talking over other people, he's rude and unpredictable and he's getting into arguments with his older son all the time - over nothing. In my MIL's family it is customary to be hush-hush about everything so when I first tried to ask whether or not there's mental illness in that side of the family, I was met with 'It's all fiiiiine', everyone is fiiiiiine'. I won't pry, of course, but still.

ASD is a developmental disorder. Not mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m going to look into starting my own Beltway NT with ASD spouse meet up.

Caution: it may involve wine outside Tuesday or Sunday nights and kickboxing Thursdays.

Oh hell yeah. It is needed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m going to look into starting my own Beltway NT with ASD spouse meet up.

Caution: it may involve wine outside Tuesday or Sunday nights and kickboxing Thursdays.

Oh hell yeah. It is needed!

sign me up!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for this post. When I have reached on DCUm about this same issue, I was told "divorce" - without commiseration. I think (correct me if I am wrong) we all want to feel first, that we are not alone, and try what is available to us first before considering divorce. In fact, the "divorce" response means little on DCUm, it is used so much.

I am with the PP that stated there should be a support group for HFA/ADD spouses. If anyone knows of one if the NOVA area, or even online, please chime in. I also agree that you have to take care of yourself first re: boundaries - because this type of DH pushes. The masking is award winning, truly.

Not OP, but here is the NT support group I've done a couple times. I've found it useful and eye opening, though it's a bit of a mixed group of participants. If there are people you'd like to reach out to individually after, you can do so through the facilitator Grace. Cost is $40. https://www.aane.org/resources/adults/support-social-groups-couples-partners/ -or- https://www.gracemyhill.com/coaching-groups

I'm not exclusively advocating this group, this is just the only one I've found. The upcoming sessions are Tuesday April 13 6-7:30pm, Thursday April 22 12:30-2 and Sunday April 25 12-1:30pm. I'm going to try to make the April 13 session.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for this post. When I have reached on DCUm about this same issue, I was told "divorce" - without commiseration. I think (correct me if I am wrong) we all want to feel first, that we are not alone, and try what is available to us first before considering divorce. In fact, the "divorce" response means little on DCUm, it is used so much.

I am with the PP that stated there should be a support group for HFA/ADD spouses. If anyone knows of one if the NOVA area, or even online, please chime in. I also agree that you have to take care of yourself first re: boundaries - because this type of DH pushes. The masking is award winning, truly.

Not OP, but here is the NT support group I've done a couple times. I've found it useful and eye opening, though it's a bit of a mixed group of participants. If there are people you'd like to reach out to individually after, you can do so through the facilitator Grace. Cost is $40. https://www.aane.org/resources/adults/support-social-groups-couples-partners/ -or- https://www.gracemyhill.com/coaching-groups

I'm not exclusively advocating this group, this is just the only one I've found. The upcoming sessions are Tuesday April 13 6-7:30pm, Thursday April 22 12:30-2 and Sunday April 25 12-1:30pm. I'm going to try to make the April 13 session.

OP here. Thanks for putting this link out there. I think it is currently the only option in the DMV, although of course everything is available online now!

On the big Divorce questions. Has anyone reading this had a successful divorce, in which their ASD partner particpates fully with the divorce plan? How do the courts view an ASD diagnosis in terms of custody? (again we don't have one) Is there any oversite? I hate the idea of involving the courts. I know at least one poster above has said that their spouse was easier to deal with after the divorce, so that is a good thing. I myself fear a knock down drag out scenario with a lot of extenuating circumstances.

Thanks for the positive words/thoughts on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for this post. When I have reached on DCUm about this same issue, I was told "divorce" - without commiseration. I think (correct me if I am wrong) we all want to feel first, that we are not alone, and try what is available to us first before considering divorce. In fact, the "divorce" response means little on DCUm, it is used so much.

I am with the PP that stated there should be a support group for HFA/ADD spouses. If anyone knows of one if the NOVA area, or even online, please chime in. I also agree that you have to take care of yourself first re: boundaries - because this type of DH pushes. The masking is award winning, truly.

Not OP, but here is the NT support group I've done a couple times. I've found it useful and eye opening, though it's a bit of a mixed group of participants. If there are people you'd like to reach out to individually after, you can do so through the facilitator Grace. Cost is $40. https://www.aane.org/resources/adults/support-social-groups-couples-partners/ -or- https://www.gracemyhill.com/coaching-groups

I'm not exclusively advocating this group, this is just the only one I've found. The upcoming sessions are Tuesday April 13 6-7:30pm, Thursday April 22 12:30-2 and Sunday April 25 12-1:30pm. I'm going to try to make the April 13 session.

OP here. Thanks for putting this link out there. I think it is currently the only option in the DMV, although of course everything is available online now!

On the big Divorce questions. Has anyone reading this had a successful divorce, in which their ASD partner particpates fully with the divorce plan? How do the courts view an ASD diagnosis in terms of custody? (again we don't have one) Is there any oversite? I hate the idea of involving the courts. I know at least one poster above has said that their spouse was easier to deal with after the divorce, so that is a good thing. I myself fear a knock down drag out scenario with a lot of extenuating circumstances.

Thanks for the positive words/thoughts on here.

ASD diagnosis doesn't factor into custody bc for all intents and purposes they are functioning adults.

[Anonymous]

So every “accident” and harmful thing that happens you keep bringing it back to court to show them how functional does dysfunctional the parent w the disorder is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for this post. When I have reached on DCUm about this same issue, I was told "divorce" - without commiseration. I think (correct me if I am wrong) we all want to feel first, that we are not alone, and try what is available to us first before considering divorce. In fact, the "divorce" response means little on DCUm, it is used so much.

I am with the PP that stated there should be a support group for HFA/ADD spouses. If anyone knows of one if the NOVA area, or even online, please chime in. I also agree that you have to take care of yourself first re: boundaries - because this type of DH pushes. The masking is award winning, truly.

Not OP, but here is the NT support group I've done a couple times. I've found it useful and eye opening, though it's a bit of a mixed group of participants. If there are people you'd like to reach out to individually after, you can do so through the facilitator Grace. Cost is $40. https://www.aane.org/resources/adults/support-social-groups-couples-partners/ -or- https://www.gracemyhill.com/coaching-groups

I'm not exclusively advocating this group, this is just the only one I've found. The upcoming sessions are Tuesday April 13 6-7:30pm, Thursday April 22 12:30-2 and Sunday April 25 12-1:30pm. I'm going to try to make the April 13 session.

OP here. Thanks for putting this link out there. I think it is currently the only option in the DMV, although of course everything is available online now!

On the big Divorce questions. Has anyone reading this had a successful divorce, in which their ASD partner particpates fully with the divorce plan? How do the courts view an ASD diagnosis in terms of custody? (again we don't have one) Is there any oversite? I hate the idea of involving the courts. I know at least one poster above has said that their spouse was easier to deal with after the divorce, so that is a good thing. I myself fear a knock down drag out scenario with a lot of extenuating circumstances.

Thanks for the positive words/thoughts on here.

ASD diagnosis doesn't factor into custody bc for all intents and purposes they are functioning adults.

OP here. Thank you for this response, it is part of what I was hoping to learn. In a case where a child's basic needs are not being met (somewhat regular mealtimes, prepared for school, etc.) do they really never look at ASD as a factor? This is one of the things that would have me hold off on divorce until DC is old enough to say clearly "I'm hungry dad" or "I have this to bring into school today" and then the dad remembers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for this post. When I have reached on DCUm about this same issue, I was told "divorce" - without commiseration. I think (correct me if I am wrong) we all want to feel first, that we are not alone, and try what is available to us first before considering divorce. In fact, the "divorce" response means little on DCUm, it is used so much.

I am with the PP that stated there should be a support group for HFA/ADD spouses. If anyone knows of one if the NOVA area, or even online, please chime in. I also agree that you have to take care of yourself first re: boundaries - because this type of DH pushes. The masking is award winning, truly.

Not OP, but here is the NT support group I've done a couple times. I've found it useful and eye opening, though it's a bit of a mixed group of participants. If there are people you'd like to reach out to individually after, you can do so through the facilitator Grace. Cost is $40. https://www.aane.org/resources/adults/support-social-groups-couples-partners/ -or- https://www.gracemyhill.com/coaching-groups

I'm not exclusively advocating this group, this is just the only one I've found. The upcoming sessions are Tuesday April 13 6-7:30pm, Thursday April 22 12:30-2 and Sunday April 25 12-1:30pm. I'm going to try to make the April 13 session.

OP here. Thanks for putting this link out there. I think it is currently the only option in the DMV, although of course everything is available online now!

On the big Divorce questions. Has anyone reading this had a successful divorce, in which their ASD partner particpates fully with the divorce plan? How do the courts view an ASD diagnosis in terms of custody? (again we don't have one) Is there any oversite? I hate the idea of involving the courts. I know at least one poster above has said that their spouse was easier to deal with after the divorce, so that is a good thing. I myself fear a knock down drag out scenario with a lot of extenuating circumstances.

Thanks for the positive words/thoughts on here.

ASD diagnosis doesn't factor into custody bc for all intents and purposes they are functioning adults.

OP here. Thank you for this response, it is part of what I was hoping to learn. In a case where a child's basic needs are not being met (somewhat regular mealtimes, prepared for school, etc.) do they really never look at ASD as a factor? This is one of the things that would have me hold off on divorce until DC is old enough to say clearly "I'm hungry dad" or "I have this to bring into school today" and then the dad remembers.

Every situation is different. How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

It is such a terrible dynamic and so fatiguing to have to prompt a grown man to prompt a young kid that it’s time to eat, time for bed, time to pack the backpack correctly, time to go to basketball, time to get dressed, time to blah blah.

It’s just pathetic.

He couldn’t even take the kid to his private school interview on time when I had a meeting. Despite digital calendar invites, verbal reminders the night before, the morning of and being told when to leave work to collect kid and get him to the new school.
20 mins late. Couldn’t figure out that leaving 10 minutes to do something that takes 30 minutes, doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for this post. When I have reached on DCUm about this same issue, I was told "divorce" - without commiseration. I think (correct me if I am wrong) we all want to feel first, that we are not alone, and try what is available to us first before considering divorce. In fact, the "divorce" response means little on DCUm, it is used so much.

I am with the PP that stated there should be a support group for HFA/ADD spouses. If anyone knows of one if the NOVA area, or even online, please chime in. I also agree that you have to take care of yourself first re: boundaries - because this type of DH pushes. The masking is award winning, truly.

Not OP, but here is the NT support group I've done a couple times. I've found it useful and eye opening, though it's a bit of a mixed group of participants. If there are people you'd like to reach out to individually after, you can do so through the facilitator Grace. Cost is $40. https://www.aane.org/resources/adults/support-social-groups-couples-partners/ -or- https://www.gracemyhill.com/coaching-groups

I'm not exclusively advocating this group, this is just the only one I've found. The upcoming sessions are Tuesday April 13 6-7:30pm, Thursday April 22 12:30-2 and Sunday April 25 12-1:30pm. I'm going to try to make the April 13 session.

OP here. Thanks for putting this link out there. I think it is currently the only option in the DMV, although of course everything is available online now!

On the big Divorce questions. Has anyone reading this had a successful divorce, in which their ASD partner particpates fully with the divorce plan? How do the courts view an ASD diagnosis in terms of custody? (again we don't have one) Is there any oversite? I hate the idea of involving the courts. I know at least one poster above has said that their spouse was easier to deal with after the divorce, so that is a good thing. I myself fear a knock down drag out scenario with a lot of extenuating circumstances.

Thanks for the positive words/thoughts on here.

ASD diagnosis doesn't factor into custody bc for all intents and purposes they are functioning adults.

OP here. Thank you for this response, it is part of what I was hoping to learn. In a case where a child's basic needs are not being met (somewhat regular mealtimes, prepared for school, etc.) do they really never look at ASD as a factor? This is one of the things that would have me hold off on divorce until DC is old enough to say clearly "I'm hungry dad" or "I have this to bring into school today" and then the dad remembers.

And hope your kid doesn’t inherit ASD either.

For me, besides on his exec functioning dysfunction, he drives the two kids mad by not listening, repeating questions they just answered, not following what just happened (sibs can get same big fights in right in front of him while he ignores everything and then yells at the wrong kid), ignores them, forgets what they have going on that day, etc. He gaslights them too, telling them they never said anything to him about XYZ, when they in fact did. It’s really a form of neglect and abuse. Crazy making.

[Anonymous]

And all House Rules are forgotten and go right out the window.
Bed times, nutrition, meal times, weather appropriate clothes.
He must ask them 10x a weekend, What should we do today? What should we eat today? What should we buy Mom for bday (proceed to pick out weird stuff on Amazon the 5 yo likes the photo of)?

But then never checks in on sports practices, homework completion, school emails, piano stuff, health forms or appts.

Ignorance is bliss.

[Anonymous]

My story exactly, OP. After 12 years of marriage, we're getting a divorce, 2 kids in elem. Not ideal, but certainly better than this agony of remaining married. Things got progressively worse at home, but his facade has always been up outside the household. Everyone knows him as the calm, rational, kind guy. They wouldn't believe that he hasn't touched me in 4 years, or that he's putting the kids in 6-hr timeouts, or that he's kicking holes in the wall during a tantrum.