Aspergers, fighting and contemplating divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

OP, please realize you are not protecting your children by staying. Instead, you are giving them a higher exposure than if you left and gave them 50% of their time in a emotionally healthy household. By spending 24/7 in the disordered relationship, you are teaching your kids that that behavior is normal and to be accepted. They will replicate the dynamic in intimate relationships for the rest of their lives. they will not develop healthy rmotional and communication skills because they never see any. What you model for them is distorted by the disordered relationship.

As a child of parents who should have divorced, I wholeheartedly concur. I had friends of divorced parents in my youth and didn’t think it was such a horrible thing. The trade off in material well being seems worth it to me if it means having at least half of one’s time in a household that is peaceful. My mother asked me in my early teens how I would feel about my parents divorcing and I told her it was totally ok with me. For a short time I was really excited and happy that we might not live with my father anymore - but ultimately my mother the coward stayed put despite the abuse she and her kids were regularly subject to, and yes, I resent the hell out of her for not protecting us. It affected all my adult relationships, I was essentially afraid to trust men and marriage and my brother became abusive to his wives and kids the same as our father had been. What other role model of marriage and fatherhood did he have, after all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. ..

I got some homework for you.
Start here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Also a question, when you say.. therapy.. do you mean you used specialized therapy for Asperger marriages or just a random therapist who happens to know what Asperger is and treats kids and young adults.

You need a professional who specializes in the marriage counseling of Neurotypical + Aspergers.

I think she is somewhat an expert on the topic and can recommend you local professional.
go over this page in its entirety .. there is a lot of info that might be of help to you on the mid and bottom of it..
https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/sarah-swenson-20110804

You may need a life coach for your husband also as they tend to need someone who train them rather
DP
lol... that was our therapist. even she, with her expertise, couldn't draw out my STB ex. His rigidity and narrow thinking had become his only way he knew to be himself.
then just analyze. Not to say that you both need counseling too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. ..

I got some homework for you.
Start here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Also a question, when you say.. therapy.. do you mean you used specialized therapy for Asperger marriages or just a random therapist who happens to know what Asperger is and treats kids and young adults.

You need a professional who specializes in the marriage counseling of Neurotypical + Aspergers.

I think she is somewhat an expert on the topic and can recommend you local professional.
go over this page in its entirety .. there is a lot of info that might be of help to you on the mid and bottom of it..
https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/sarah-swenson-20110804

You may need a life coach for your husband also as they tend to need someone who train them rather
DP
lol... that was our therapist. even she, with her expertise, couldn't draw out my STB ex. His rigidity and narrow thinking had become his only way he knew to be himself.
then just analyze. Not to say that you both need counseling too.

DP
lol... that was our therapist. even she, with her expertise, couldn't draw out my STB ex. His rigidity and narrow thinking had become his only way he knew to be himself.
then just analyze. Not to say that you both need counseling too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My story exactly, OP. After 12 years of marriage, we're getting a divorce, 2 kids in elem. Not ideal, but certainly better than this agony of remaining married. Things got progressively worse at home, but his facade has always been up outside the household. Everyone knows him as the calm, rational, kind guy. They wouldn't believe that he hasn't touched me in 4 years, or that he's putting the kids in 6-hr timeouts, or that he's kicking holes in the wall during a tantrum.

+1 same here. He uses up all his energy faking it to people at work, outings or on calls and comes home to behave like a hermit, with occasional huge flare ups.

[Anonymous]

This is my life and it is so lonely. I’ve started talking to a lawyer and getting my finances in order to leave but I really feel sad about my kids (under 4). My H seems nice and normal on his work calls (I hear them all day) but keeps to himself totally or is a jerk to us. He spends no time with us on weekends or evenings. It’s really awful and I’m kind of in shock that I ended up here. The masking is real during the courting/dating phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my life and it is so lonely. I’ve started talking to a lawyer and getting my finances in order to leave but I really feel sad about my kids (under 4). My H seems nice and normal on his work calls (I hear them all day) but keeps to himself totally or is a jerk to us. He spends no time with us on weekends or evenings. It’s really awful and I’m kind of in shock that I ended up here. The masking is real during the courting/dating phase.

Will he allow you to care for the kids and just do occasional visits or dinners?

Or will he try to maintain an external image and want the label of coparenting/co-custody and hire a nanny, his mom or new Gf to do the caring? Or will he think he can do it and end up just goofing around all the time or scolding?

[Anonymous]

I'm not in the DC area, but stumbled upon this discussion. I'm currently divorcing my undiagnosed husband. Same as others have described, heavy masking to the outside world, just comes across as a nice albeit awkward guy. At home he mostly ignores us, but will lecture and rage if anyone gets in his way. There were some safety issues which ultimately led me to file for divorce. Filing initially prompted him to love bomb me, but I refuse to continue this abuse cycle. Now that he has realized this is actually happening it has turned extremely ugly as he wants everything including 50/50 custody. He is now trying to rewrite history with the lawyers, GAL and custody evaluator involved. Definitely love bombing the kids and no longer rages or yells. He told them he's no longer the yelling dad and is now the fun dad. It's truly a nightmare, since I have to live in the house during the custody battle. I frame it in my head as condensing all the misery into a year or 2 instead of stretching it out over a lifetime.

I really appreciate whoever wrote the following:

please realize you are not protecting your children by staying. Instead, you are giving them a higher exposure than if you left and gave them 50% of their time in a emotionally healthy household. By spending 24/7 in the disordered relationship, you are teaching your kids that that behavior is normal and to be accepted. They will replicate the dynamic in intimate relationships for the rest of their lives. they will not develop healthy rmotional and communication skills because they never see any. What you model for them is distorted by the disordered relationship.[i]

I copied it and will remind myself of that often, because there is a huge amount of guilt about leaving my kids in his care knowing he's not capable. Up until now I've been able to remove or at least buffer them from his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

Diagnosed ASD husband with major rage issues. Horrible. I hate him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.

Yes, actually it does present differently in everyone. Thus the expression “ if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.

Yes, actually it does present differently in everyone. Thus the expression “ if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

On the HFA / aspergers side there are certainly similar themes and the person either has negative or positive workarounds (coping mechanisms) and varying abilities to mimic an NT, or TV, or study what to respond like.
Some of the themes are well-documented, like executive functioning shortfalls, poor verbal communication skills on home/family/personal matters, lecture mode on hyper interest(s), rigid routines and can’t adapt well to changes, often avoids eye contact, general inability to see what something or someone needs, self-centeredness, etc. If overwhelmed, which can easily happen, the anxiety, shutdown, and/or anger kicks in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my life and it is so lonely. I’ve started talking to a lawyer and getting my finances in order to leave but I really feel sad about my kids (under 4). My H seems nice and normal on his work calls (I hear them all day) but keeps to himself totally or is a jerk to us. He spends no time with us on weekends or evenings. It’s really awful and I’m kind of in shock that I ended up here. The masking is real during the courting/dating phase.

Will he allow you to care for the kids and just do occasional visits or dinners?

Or will he try to maintain an external image and want the label of coparenting/co-custody and hire a nanny, his mom or new Gf to do the caring? Or will he think he can do it and end up just goofing around all the time or scolding?

He will 100% outsource parenting but insist on having the kids half the time. He already is mad we don’t have a weekend nanny as well as a weekday one because once in a while I ask him to chip in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.

Yes, actually it does present differently in everyone. Thus the expression “ if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

On the HFA / aspergers side there are certainly similar themes and the person either has negative or positive workarounds (coping mechanisms) and varying abilities to mimic an NT, or TV, or study what to respond like.
Some of the themes are well-documented, like executive functioning shortfalls, poor verbal communication skills on home/family/personal matters, lecture mode on hyper interest(s), rigid routines and can’t adapt well to changes, often avoids eye contact, general inability to see what something or someone needs, self-centeredness, etc. If overwhelmed, which can easily happen, the anxiety, shutdown, and/or anger kicks in.

You have described my DH to a T besides the part about avoiding eye contact. Where can I find more info on this? Also, what do you do when DH is not diagnosed and is not open to thinking anything is "wrong" with him, but instead thinks everything is my fault? In other words, it was my fault he blew up because I hung up his towel the wrong way, or whatever it is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know zero about Asperger symptoms and their adult manifestations, but many people in your situation post similar fears of separation/divorce with regard to their children. Perhaps I am naive, but do you really think your husband will handle his parental duties and visitation on a consistent basis? He doesn’t sound like the type to step up for the long haul. So, if his visitation starts out with every other weekend, how long would he be able to manage that schedule before he cancels or scales back? Hoping other divorced moms chime in because maybe I am totally off base.

Great question. Np. I intend to ask my lawyer what he’s seen play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

It's not guaranteed that he will act around your son the way he acts now. My ex changed totally. He is always there for the kid, and is too busy putting me down. He needs DC to be on his side to do that. He is not mean to the kid and at 14, the kid simply tells him to stop.

Plus worst case is 50/50 so he should have lots of downtime between having to take the kids, as long as he doesn’t have a high stress job than gets him bent out of shape every day. Maybe with a simpler life, he won’t have the shutdowns and rages.

Or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think you need to put the "Aspie" thing aside. You're making a *lot* of excuses for your husband. He doesn't like therapy, he can't keep up with daily tasks of life, etc. etc. etc....excuse me, what? This is an adult, correct?

Obviously the man can control himself--he does it at work and among friends, where this is required. But at home, it sounds like there's no consequences if he insults you or other members of the immediate family. It also sounds to me like there is zero intimacy and built up resentment. All of these are *common* marriage issues that have zero to do with any diagnosis.

The only person you can absolutely change is yourself and your own behavior. I have a feeling you are letting him get away with a lot and failing to stand up for yourself and then feeling resentful and dealing with it in a passive aggressive way. You say you "deal with" verbal abuse--you mean you stand for it? I feel like you need to work by yourself with a therapist who can figure out how to set boundaries.

I mean, is he OK with a sexless marriage? If not, maybe that is something of actual interest to him that could motivate him to do better. From experience I can say this is what motivated my spouse to start trying to make some changes but I had to make a whole ton of changes too because we had a bad dynamic and that involves two people. On the PLUS side, because you have this dynamic, you alone can change it by changing yourself and refusing to participate anymore....

Sorry. It you do not understand high functioning autism. I thing you wrote he cares about, zero emotion, zero ability to reason, zero ability to see needs or understand another point of view (outside academic super interests). You can’t set boundaries with an ASD’er spouse - they don’t care! They won’t move out, they don’t think anything is bad for the kids, they are practically asexual, they bottle up everything and explode, they don’t share feelings or vent to anybody- not a friend, sib or parent.
They do not think and certainly do not think like you.