Aspergers, fighting and contemplating divorce

[Anonymous]

+1 to those who have said that none of this is 'aspie' - it's just being an ahole.

[Anonymous]

Aspie turns emotionally dysregulated (ie Ahole) when overwhelmed. And life with a spouse, kids, house, and jobs gets out of their league pretty quickly. So they shutdown or lash out.

They need a simple life, with few obligations, responsibilities, and required adapting.

If you’re in butt-deep in chronic overwhelmed territory, you, then and the kids may all be benefit from divorcing and letting the aspie show up 10-20% of the time when they’re feeling “not overwhelmed.”

They are quite difficult to live with - angry or not- so divorce solves that problem too.

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

He will be elated. The heavy foggy burden adhd burden of being a homeowner, parent and spouse will be lifted. He won’t know why he’s so elated, in fact he’ll blame you for not being this happy all along! But life will be better for everyone.

And then, he will take his misguided overconfidence and start dating. If he’s smart he’ll never live with another person again. If he’s dumb he’ll live with a woman and have more kids. And the heavy, fuzzy burden of adulthood will return to him, and ruin everyone’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce.

He will be elated. The heavy foggy burden adhd burden of being a homeowner, parent and spouse will be lifted. He won’t know why he’s so elated, in fact he’ll blame you for not being this happy all along! But life will be better for everyone.

And then, he will take his misguided overconfidence and start dating. If he’s smart he’ll never live with another person again. If he’s dumb he’ll live with a woman and have more kids. And the heavy, fuzzy burden of adulthood will return to him, and ruin everyone’s lives.

NP. Clearly the voice of personal experience speaking above. Damn. I'm genuinely sorry, PP. But you've nailed the scenario. I've seen two friends with DHs like OP's DH go through exactly what you describe, right down to "he'll blame you for his not being this happy all along" and "he'll take his misguided overconfidence and start dating."

OP, consider PP's post above and the been there, done that cautions it's giving you. Divorce is definitely an option, just be aware that you'll possibly end up villainized by DH when he realizes he's so much happier unmarried than he was married. You, and we, know that's not actually about you at all. Just be ready to counter that among your family and close friends. One friend's DH actually called up mutual friends to tell them all how great it was to be divorcing and how his wife had "held him back all along" blah blah. When he was exactly as you describe your own DH -- unable to deal with anything beyond himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce.

He will be elated. The heavy foggy burden adhd burden of being a homeowner, parent and spouse will be lifted. He won’t know why he’s so elated, in fact he’ll blame you for not being this happy all along! But life will be better for everyone.

And then, he will take his misguided overconfidence and start dating. If he’s smart he’ll never live with another person again. If he’s dumb he’ll live with a woman and have more kids. And the heavy, fuzzy burden of adulthood will return to him, and ruin everyone’s lives.

To continue and clarify, an aspie who’s a jerk will “move on” quickly. Why? Because of their autism and not having had a real connection or social understanding of marriage or parenting roles in the first place.

Their “expectations” in life are off- everything LOOKs easy to someone clueless so it MUST BE easy, so why is my wife complaining, she must be a nasty B. And since they don’t confide in friends or family, their perceptions of life get further fabricated.

Then they decide they’re the victim. Not their kid they made late all the time, or the frozen pizza meals, or how they can’t talk after 6pm as they’re too tired from the day, or they didn’t pay the bill they said they would.

So divorce looks great to them, and yes they may “badmouth” you to anyone who listens or not say a peep.

You won’t care though. You are done. You have seen them unmasked and know they have nothing to offer. They are not there for you when it counts, they are religiously unreliable and untrustworthy.

So get therapy for your kids to fully understand living with an HFa parent. Lots of games and gaslighting and they tend to “parentify” their daughters, spoil them, and be very lenient Dads. They basically don’t parent or enforce rules or discipline. Too much to remember to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce.

He will be elated. The heavy foggy burden adhd burden of being a homeowner, parent and spouse will be lifted. He won’t know why he’s so elated, in fact he’ll blame you for not being this happy all along! But life will be better for everyone.

And then, he will take his misguided overconfidence and start dating. If he’s smart he’ll never live with another person again. If he’s dumb he’ll live with a woman and have more kids. And the heavy, fuzzy burden of adulthood will return to him, and ruin everyone’s lives.

NP. Clearly the voice of personal experience speaking above. Damn. I'm genuinely sorry, PP. But you've nailed the scenario. I've seen two friends with DHs like OP's DH go through exactly what you describe, right down to "he'll blame you for his not being this happy all along" and "he'll take his misguided overconfidence and start dating."

OP, consider PP's post above and the been there, done that cautions it's giving you. Divorce is definitely an option, just be aware that you'll possibly end up villainized by DH when he realizes he's so much happier unmarried than he was married. You, and we, know that's not actually about you at all. Just be ready to counter that among your family and close friends. One friend's DH actually called up mutual friends to tell them all how great it was to be divorcing and how his wife had "held him back all along" blah blah. When he was exactly as you describe your own DH -- unable to deal with anything beyond himself.

OP doesn't have to take it upon herself to counter any bad talking XH is doing of her. If they are really close family and friends - they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce.

He will be elated. The heavy foggy burden adhd burden of being a homeowner, parent and spouse will be lifted. He won’t know why he’s so elated, in fact he’ll blame you for not being this happy all along! But life will be better for everyone.

And then, he will take his misguided overconfidence and start dating. If he’s smart he’ll never live with another person again. If he’s dumb he’ll live with a woman and have more kids. And the heavy, fuzzy burden of adulthood will return to him, and ruin everyone’s lives.

NP. Clearly the voice of personal experience speaking above. Damn. I'm genuinely sorry, PP. But you've nailed the scenario. I've seen two friends with DHs like OP's DH go through exactly what you describe, right down to "he'll blame you for his not being this happy all along" and "he'll take his misguided overconfidence and start dating."

OP, consider PP's post above and the been there, done that cautions it's giving you. Divorce is definitely an option, just be aware that you'll possibly end up villainized by DH when he realizes he's so much happier unmarried than he was married. You, and we, know that's not actually about you at all. Just be ready to counter that among your family and close friends. One friend's DH actually called up mutual friends to tell them all how great it was to be divorcing and how his wife had "held him back all along" blah blah. When he was exactly as you describe your own DH -- unable to deal with anything beyond himself.

All you have to say to them or others is: A much simpler life really suits him better. We are all much happier this way.

I have also said:
Yes, we divorced. I didn’t see a reason to stay married.

And if people don’t get it, drop the topic and know they don’t get it.
And feel free to say: it was very difficult to live and run and household with someone who wouldn’t manager his autism symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce.

He will be elated. The heavy foggy burden adhd burden of being a homeowner, parent and spouse will be lifted. He won’t know why he’s so elated, in fact he’ll blame you for not being this happy all along! But life will be better for everyone.

And then, he will take his misguided overconfidence and start dating. If he’s smart he’ll never live with another person again. If he’s dumb he’ll live with a woman and have more kids. And the heavy, fuzzy burden of adulthood will return to him, and ruin everyone’s lives.

NP. Clearly the voice of personal experience speaking above. Damn. I'm genuinely sorry, PP. But you've nailed the scenario. I've seen two friends with DHs like OP's DH go through exactly what you describe, right down to "he'll blame you for his not being this happy all along" and "he'll take his misguided overconfidence and start dating."

OP, consider PP's post above and the been there, done that cautions it's giving you. Divorce is definitely an option, just be aware that you'll possibly end up villainized by DH when he realizes he's so much happier unmarried than he was married. You, and we, know that's not actually about you at all. Just be ready to counter that among your family and close friends. One friend's DH actually called up mutual friends to tell them all how great it was to be divorcing and how his wife had "held him back all along" blah blah. When he was exactly as you describe your own DH -- unable to deal with anything beyond himself.

Him attempting to villianize his ex wife won’t fly with most people.

But do know that this aspergers type will drop any connection with family 1 kids once having family 2 kids. They will be overwhelmed again, let wife 2 run the show & pocketbook, and not have capacity to be there for either set of kids however will somewhat prioritize the ones in his house.
Make sure your kids know this is not their fault if this happens. Hopefully not and wife 2 can also pick up the slack for her step kids too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an NT wife married to an undiagnosed ASD spouse. We've managed to make it to 37 years of marriage. The secret is to NOT depend on them for anything at all! My husband provided financially and that was all, which I was grateful to him for. They can't and won't be able to meet your other needs so don't even ask them to. Find other things to bring you joy and happiness. If you are financially independent I would strongly advise you to divorce them and date or marry someone who can meet your other needs. Otherwise you will look back on your life and feel cheated out of things you missed out on. Don't make the mistake of having children with them because they don't parent properly and it will be solely on your shoulders. Your adult children will resent you and will inherit the same strange selfish traits as the aspie. They watch and learn through their childhood how your aspie spouse treats you and will copy. Its shocking how blunt and disrespectful they become as adult children. If your aspie has addictions, they will follow in his footsteps no matter how hard to try to prevent it. So, if you think you're doing your kids a favor by staying with their father, it simply isn't true.

Today we are older and retired. It doesnt get better but only worse because now your children are gone and you are now focused on eachother. If your aspie neglected you during your marriage you will feel pure resentment towards them. It won't be the retirement you imagined but pure hell and regret. If you spent years surrounded by people and things to fill in the gaps and keep you happy, you are now completely exposed and it will hit you like a brick wall. Your health, wellbeing and self esteem will plummet. Your aspie will have more extreme melt downs and rage episodes. Striking out at me with cussing and swearing not to mention physical abuse. Its a lose lose situation and I'm still considering finding a more suitable place to live just for my sanity. If I thought things could get this bad I would have left decades ago. If your reading this and thinking that I knew about his Aspurgers and realized what I was getting myself into, you are wrong. He was barely diagnosed 3 months ago!

+100

Sometimes, you can't believe this is the life you're living. However, if you have a kid with similar traits it never really ends. It sounds terrible, but if I knew how my life was going to turn out I would have stayed unmarried and child-free.

[Anonymous]

Interesting, a reminder it's not unusual, not unheard of for lots of people on the spectrum, autism, to have never dated or never had a relationship before, not all but just many of then, mostly male-dominated cases obviously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.

It’s a spectrum genius!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce.

He will be elated. The heavy foggy adhd burden of being a homeowner, parent and spouse will be lifted. He won’t know why he’s so elated, in fact he’ll blame you for not being this happy all along! But life will be better for everyone.

And then, he will take his misguided overconfidence and start dating. If he’s smart he’ll never live with another person again. If he’s dumb he’ll live with a woman and have more kids. And the heavy, fuzzy burden of adulthood will return to him, and ruin everyone’s lives.

This, this and this.

He won’t connect the dots at all. So much cluelessness and denial with these types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I live in the DMV and I have been dealing with something similar with my wife. We have two middle-aged kids and we both have similar paying secure professional jobs.She is very good at her job and has a lot of telltale signs of ASD. But basic organization at home like paying bills or laundry or kids appointments all fall on me.We have a sexless marriage. Unhappy but in the marriage due to the kids. My question to the community here is how do I go and get her tested to get a confirmed diagnosis. I would be the first to admit that I have issues too I have undiagnosed ADD which needs to be addressed as well I have severe executive functioning issues myself so I am lost without lists and reminders. How do we go about getting diagnosed and tested. Due to the sexless nature of our marriage I’m also quite dependent on porn. Long time reader of this forum. I appreciate the collective wisdom here. Any help would be greatly appreciated thank you

I am sorry for your situation. Good luck. I would start by getting yourself a therapist and a diagnosis so you can work on what you need while also modeling action.