Aspergers, fighting and contemplating divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

Me again. Don't have time to go into details, but essentially there can be some overlap between ADHD and high-functioning Asperger's. People can have both - which is what my husband and son probably have. They are both diagnosed ADHD, and suspected Asperger's - meaning the psychologists said hey, you should also get tested for HFA because there are all kinds of giant red flags, but it's $800 more, and at that point, my husband said no. I've read lengthily on the matter, and honestly they both check the boxes for HFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

It's not guaranteed that he will act around your son the way he acts now. My ex changed totally. He is always there for the kid, and is too busy putting me down. He needs DC to be on his side to do that. He is not mean to the kid and at 14, the kid simply tells him to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

It's not guaranteed that he will act around your son the way he acts now. My ex changed totally. He is always there for the kid, and is too busy putting me down. He needs DC to be on his side to do that. He is not mean to the kid and at 14, the kid simply tells him to stop.

PP you replied to. I hear you, but I know he will. He does already when I travel. It's his desire to hyper control his environment because he struggles with general life management, and it degenerates into rage episode because as an Aspie, he sees things in black and white and either under or over reacts. Any remark anyone makes can turn into a rage fit because we're "sabotaging" him and "not supporting" him. And sometimes, people can say the rudest things and he's not going to react in any way. The problem is that you never know in advance what you're going to get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

OP here. This is common from what I've read- the ASD behaviors get blamed on spouse. As for person who asked about diagnosis- I said in the original post we had talked to many therapists, and professional opinions can be given without a full diagnosis (a lengthy and pricey pricess that not everyone wants to go through despite their family's wishes). Gotta love it when the husband's sibling asks "well, do you think he has aspergers?" ASD wasn't well know a few decades ago, so....

To person who asked about how my husband would deal with taking care of DC after a divorce: he deeply loves his child and would not drop him. Now would he remember meal and bedtimes regularly, to have the right clothes/school supplies ready for the season/activity/size - a challenge.

I admit to being blown away by the responses. I know there are ASD/neorotypical support groups, but that would never fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. This is common from what I've read- the ASD behaviors get blamed on spouse. As for person who asked about diagnosis- I said in the original post we had talked to many therapists, and professional opinions can be given without a full diagnosis (a lengthy and pricey pricess that not everyone wants to go through despite their family's wishes). Gotta love it when the husband's sibling asks "well, do you think he has aspergers?" ASD wasn't well know a few decades ago, so....

To person who asked about how my husband would deal with taking care of DC after a divorce: he deeply loves his child and would not drop him. Now would he remember meal and bedtimes regularly, to have the right clothes/school supplies ready for the season/activity/size - a challenge.

I admit to being blown away by the responses. I know there are ASD/neorotypical support groups, but that would never fly.

After spending so many wasted resources on my ASD spouse, I've come to the conclusion that you should focus on yourself. There are spouse support groups for those married to ASDs.

Don't focus so much on getting an autism diagnosis because most of the ASD research has been on kids and teens. His neurologist was like he's you have ASD but you're an adult with a job so it's high functioning anf there nothing to be done. If there is ADHD, OCD, anxiety, depression, etc then there are adult resources. For DH there was less of a stigma for him to admit he was depressed vs ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

OP here. This is common from what I've read- the ASD behaviors get blamed on spouse. As for person who asked about diagnosis- I said in the original post we had talked to many therapists, and professional opinions can be given without a full diagnosis (a lengthy and pricey pricess that not everyone wants to go through despite their family's wishes). Gotta love it when the husband's sibling asks "well, do you think he has aspergers?" ASD wasn't well know a few decades ago, so....

To person who asked about how my husband would deal with taking care of DC after a divorce: he deeply loves his child and would not drop him. Now would he remember meal and bedtimes regularly, to have the right clothes/school supplies ready for the season/activity/size - a challenge.

I admit to being blown away by the responses. I know there are ASD/neorotypical support groups, but that would never fly.

Here's the thing. If he has ASD or not, what does that change? Does it absolve him of the need to change? You already know that in work and family/friends situations, he is capable of acting differently. You keep citing his "Aspie" behavior as the reason he is how he is, but within the realm of having ASD or not, there is a huge range of behavior. I think you might be better served by letting go of the diagnosis angle and focusing on behaviors that are a problem. As you know, I'm sure, Asperger's isn't even a diagnosis given anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone contemplating divorce due to Aspergers and oppositional personality or already been through it, with kids?

I'm really struggling. Being home all the time during Covid makes me realize what I've been living with - no more rose-colored glasses. Lots of arguments between us, and between husband and early elementary-aged kid, and then they're all lovey-dovey later, even after dad says "shut up" to the kid and tells me to "just leave the room" (today's fun, and no apologies). It's not a healthy environment. I've tried a half-dozen therapists over the years, but husband just isn't into therapy and really doesn't think he has much to improve on. He is a great friend and family member to others but at home, it's a different story. He seems to have learned how to keep his friends from seeing this side of him. I deal with verbal abuse sometimes - those Aspie tantrums you read about. He learned how to tame them when I was pregnant, so I was hopeful he would be open to more change, along with me, in therapy. But no. I really hate the meanness of being told to "get a real job" when I work part-time and manage everything because his Aspie organizational skills only apply to his job specialization, and the daily stuff is a challenge. He would never admit to that. (Our finances are manageable.) I fear if we get divorced that the logistics of it would be a nightmare for our child, and that husband wouldn't be able to manage the meals, clothing, a regular sleep/eating schedule, keeping up with emails (he never opens/answers any of the school related ones), etc. And that having a respectful, good communication co-parenting situation would never fly. And did I mention the marriage became sexless after pregnancy?
-Random woman's 3am rant.

Life is too short. Get an attorney and get out. The kid will be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry.

My BIL is like that - and their oldest child has inherited the disease. They live 3 hours away and we only see them a couple of times a year but boy, I'd shoot myself in the head if I had to spend a week in that household. The dude's always talking over other people, he's rude and unpredictable and he's getting into arguments with his older son all the time - over nothing. In my MIL's family it is customary to be hush-hush about everything so when I first tried to ask whether or not there's mental illness in that side of the family, I was met with 'It's all fiiiiine', everyone is fiiiiiine'. I won't pry, of course, but still.

[Anonymous]

Are there any virtual or walking or pizza outside Meet Up grounds in the DC area for people like OP married to ASD spouses? You are not alone and sometimes venting and then chatting about what works for the house, kids, your self care could be a big help and sanity saver.

Once you’re out of the gaslighting and abuse fog of it, time to disassociate and plan. And live a good life!

[Anonymous]

I really think you need to put the "Aspie" thing aside. You're making a *lot* of excuses for your husband. He doesn't like therapy, he can't keep up with daily tasks of life, etc. etc. etc....excuse me, what? This is an adult, correct?

Obviously the man can control himself--he does it at work and among friends, where this is required. But at home, it sounds like there's no consequences if he insults you or other members of the immediate family. It also sounds to me like there is zero intimacy and built up resentment. All of these are *common* marriage issues that have zero to do with any diagnosis.

The only person you can absolutely change is yourself and your own behavior. I have a feeling you are letting him get away with a lot and failing to stand up for yourself and then feeling resentful and dealing with it in a passive aggressive way. You say you "deal with" verbal abuse--you mean you stand for it? I feel like you need to work by yourself with a therapist who can figure out how to set boundaries.

I mean, is he OK with a sexless marriage? If not, maybe that is something of actual interest to him that could motivate him to do better. From experience I can say this is what motivated my spouse to start trying to make some changes but I had to make a whole ton of changes too because we had a bad dynamic and that involves two people. On the PLUS side, because you have this dynamic, you alone can change it by changing yourself and refusing to participate anymore....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Life is too short. Get an attorney and get out. The kid will be fine.

I'm afraid this is where I'm headed after having tried for many many years. Like another PP said, DH has had too many excuses made for him.

The reality is DH is good at masking, enough for me to think he'll improve or at least wants to. But he thinks he can fix whatever issues he has on his own without a therapist. Of course that has meant no progress, even with a diagnosis (which he needed since he only trusts professionals, and then only marginally). I am in knots trying to decide what is the best for our kids.

I've joined periodically the Grace Myhill groups on Sunday calls. Looked for meetups in the DC area, and only saw one aimed at ASD kids and families. I would welcome any resources for local or virtual groups for NT spouses and anyone's experience for what worked for them.

Three DC area ASD psychologists that do adult diagnosis:
Dr. Carla Messenger http://www.drcarlamessenger.com/
Dr. Donna Henderson https://www.drdonnahenderson.com/
Dr. Virginia Lindahl https://virginialindahl.com/autism-testing/

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for this post. When I have reached on DCUm about this same issue, I was told "divorce" - without commiseration. I think (correct me if I am wrong) we all want to feel first, that we are not alone, and try what is available to us first before considering divorce. In fact, the "divorce" response means little on DCUm, it is used so much.

I am with the PP that stated there should be a support group for HFA/ADD spouses. If anyone knows of one if the NOVA area, or even online, please chime in. I also agree that you have to take care of yourself first re: boundaries - because this type of DH pushes. The masking is award winning, truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

OP, please realize you are not protecting your children by staying. Instead, you are giving them a higher exposure than if you left and gave them 50% of their time in a emotionally healthy household. By spending 24/7 in the disordered relationship, you are teaching your kids that that behavior is normal and to be accepted. They will replicate the dynamic in intimate relationships for the rest of their lives. they will not develop healthy rmotional and communication skills because they never see any. What you model for them is distorted by the disordered relationship.

[Anonymous]

Same here. He has a diagnosis, he got tested a few years ago when he wanted to prove he was perfect or at most needed Ritalin to “not forget things” (ie discussions had, decisions reached, how to care for the car, what his kids eat, to brush teeth early AM, etc.)

Just today he had a raging lunatic attack at the kids because he was to take them to soccer. I had laid out the clothes, bag, note, schedule.
Despite doing this for years plus an email of times and steps to him and the sitter, he let the sitter leave 30 mins early, didn’t get the kids changed, no cleats tied, no bathroom, nothing. He stood there clueless and then yelled at them. They are 5 and 7.

I’m at a board meeting, it’s all on nanny cam. Poor kids. It’s always someone else’s fault though, never him.

Ps he denies his neuropsych results and thinks he’s greats even though his father, brother and uncles all have it worse.