Should I Call CPS on Husband

[Anonymous]

OP, Are YOU safe?

If so, make a big stink.

Sign up for a parenting class or family therapy, and if he refuses to go, YOU go and bring the children there or to someone you trust.

Start making a plan to separate: banks, paperwork, cash in a drawer.

If culturally he thinks this is just how you do things, explain what a mandated reporter is. I have had to call, as a teacher for kids who don't get appropriate medical care or who got slapped to the point of bruising, but I was told that in my state (I am in. the DMV) parents have a lot of leeway. You could trigger an investigation that puts your kids in foster care, but gets you nowhere.

Think about how CPS would help and go get that help yourself.

Someone mentioned this, but if you call with a "what if this were happening" set of questions, the person on the line at CPS could give you some advice.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious what those who advocate OP calling CPS on herself/and her husband think would happen?

Do they think CPS will just calmly tell OP's husband "You can't do that" and he will just stop doing it because CPS said so and everything will be fine?

[Anonymous]

As someone who occasionally gave my kids spankings when they were in that age range, my suggestion to OP would be to not call CPS right now, and not to immediately divorce if she does not have other reasons to divorce, but to have a talk with DH when he's calm about disciplining appropriately. And that may include spanking. But not smacking the backs of heads, or yanking arms.

He is their parent, too, and spanking is allowed. DCUM is going to hate this, but I would lay out some basic ground rules for it.

Whenever he thinks they did something that warrants a spanking, he sends them to their room first for 30 minutes. This will give him a chance to calm down and not just lash out in the moment.

Then if he still thinks the kid needs to be spanked, he can do it. Talk to the kid first, be calm, etc.

This will bring things under control, it will make him a lot more effective as a parent (reducing the need/frequency of spankings), and it has the best chance of ending the cycle of rage and out-of-control inappropriate discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm at wits end with my husband’s methods of physical discipline. There is entirely too much yelling & screaming in our house and I’m fed up with him putting his hands on them as punishment. Some examples: slapping back of child’s head (sometimes repeatedly), yanking kid up by arm, pulling ear tightly and talking directly into ear, and spanking bare bottom until red marks. Kids are 8 and 5.

He does not think he is doing anything wrong. When I complain he basically says “I’m not hurting them, and I will discipline my kids!”

OP, what methods of discipline have YOU done when your kids are yelling and screaming?

Are you all home pretty much all the time right now (parents working from home/kids distance learning?) Or are some/all of you out of the house at times?

It sounds like the husband is the one doing the yelling and screaming, not the kids. There’s always a lot of dysfunction and fear in a household with an abusive parent.

Yelling and screaming is not cps worthy.

No but screaming into a child’s ear and yanking them around and hitting them definitely is. Learn to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who occasionally gave my kids spankings when they were in that age range, my suggestion to OP would be to not call CPS right now, and not to immediately divorce if she does not have other reasons to divorce, but to have a talk with DH when he's calm about disciplining appropriately. And that may include spanking. But not smacking the backs of heads, or yanking arms.

He is their parent, too, and spanking is allowed. DCUM is going to hate this, but I would lay out some basic ground rules for it.

Whenever he thinks they did something that warrants a spanking, he sends them to their room first for 30 minutes. This will give him a chance to calm down and not just lash out in the moment.

Then if he still thinks the kid needs to be spanked, he can do it. Talk to the kid first, be calm, etc.

This will bring things under control, it will make him a lot more effective as a parent (reducing the need/frequency of spankings), and it has the best chance of ending the cycle of rage and out-of-control inappropriate discipline.

What kind of a person resorts to violence to prove a point? One that was abused themselves and doesn’t know any other way to behave. Op, listen to this person, if you continue allowing your husband to hit your children, they will become people who hit their children in the future because they will never have learned how to effectively communicate their point. The cycle always repeats until you put a stop to it. I’m willing to bet your husband was beaten as a child too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can take the kids. If they don't, they may require you to leave him in order for you to keep the kids, so why not just leave him and not include CPS in your life?

Even if you don't think it requires removal, once CPS is there they call the shots, not you. Do you want 1 hour of supervised visitation with your kids a week while a social worker watches you, and a CPS investigation on your and your husband's record? If you are at this point, you have broken trust already. Get a divorce.

I agree on CPS. But on divorce, that means that likely husband gets 50% of the time with kids unsupervised.

I honestly could not bear if this was happening with my children. But, the route of CPS is worse than what they are experiencing.

I don't understand...op should Divorce AND call cps.

Op, Get both processes started immediately. Get yourself and the kids out of the house to a hotel, family, friends home, wherever. Cps will require this of you anyway (or they'll ask the dad to leave, but he might not agree, so Ultimately, you will be the one required to keep the kids away from the dad). Call cps once you're out of the house. File for divorce the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what those who advocate OP calling CPS on herself/and her husband think would happen?

Do they think CPS will just calmly tell OP's husband "You can't do that" and he will just stop doing it because CPS said so and everything will be fine?

I think they will investigate and have him arrested if need be. In the meantime, the kids will be separated from the abuser. That means Dad moves out. Or it means op takes the kids and lives somewhere else. This is a good thing. Hopefully op starts divorce process. Also good. No, I don't think "everything will be fine."

[Anonymous]

A domestic abuse hotline would be a good first stop. They can advise on next steps, and ways to keep both the kids and OP safe through it all. You have to assume his temper could turn physical against his spouse at any moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can take the kids. If they don't, they may require you to leave him in order for you to keep the kids, so why not just leave him and not include CPS in your life?

Even if you don't think it requires removal, once CPS is there they call the shots, not you. Do you want 1 hour of supervised visitation with your kids a week while a social worker watches you, and a CPS investigation on your and your husband's record? If you are at this point, you have broken trust already. Get a divorce.

I agree on CPS. But on divorce, that means that likely husband gets 50% of the time with kids unsupervised.

I honestly could not bear if this was happening with my children. But, the route of CPS is worse than what they are experiencing.

I don't understand...op should Divorce AND call cps.

Op, Get both processes started immediately. Get yourself and the kids out of the house to a hotel, family, friends home, wherever. Cps will require this of you anyway (or they'll ask the dad to leave, but he might not agree, so Ultimately, you will be the one required to keep the kids away from the dad). Call cps once you're out of the house. File for divorce the next day.

The courts will deny OP's husband custody of the kids. So OP's kids will still be with their dad at least half the time. Alone. And now he will be pissed off. And possibly facing financial issues, either due to job loss or just because divorce is expensive.

[Anonymous]

Please, for the love of God, go to counseling. Calling CPS is a bad idea, but figuring out a better way to deal with your husband and family is a start.

I am sometimes frustrated with how unskilled a parent my co-parent is. But there's only so much I can do about that.

Improving my own communication with my spouse, creating a better family vision for our discipline strategy, and improving my own parenting are all steps I can take. You can take them too.

Calling CPS or leaving your husband are two steps that will not help. Both will make you and your children more vulnerable instead of less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what those who advocate OP calling CPS on herself/and her husband think would happen?

Do they think CPS will just calmly tell OP's husband "You can't do that" and he will just stop doing it because CPS said so and everything will be fine?

I think they will investigate and have him arrested if need be. In the meantime, the kids will be separated from the abuser. That means Dad moves out. Or it means op takes the kids and lives somewhere else. This is a good thing. Hopefully op starts divorce process. Also good. No, I don't think "everything will be fine."

No. Dad will not be arrested for this. It's highly unlikely that dad will chose on his own to move out, and no court will force him to. If OP leaves with the kids, the courts can force her to produce them for regular visitation with the dad.

Look into any of the high profile cases where kids were abused and CPS was involved in the family's life--it's EXTREMELY rare that the parents get arrested, or the children are taken away, etc. Even when what is happening is FAR worse than what OP's husband is doing.

If OP calls CPS, the kids will NOT be taken away. The dad will NOT be arrested.
It IS likely that CPS will meddle enough that OP and/or her DH will lose their job or at least severely limit future opportunities.

If OP starts divorce proceedings the judge WILL aware equal custody/visitation with the kids dad.

[Anonymous]

Better bet would be to talk to someone like school counselor, therapist, Employee Assistance counselor, etc. They are mandated, and report would get more traction if it went to CPS. Went that route (EAP) with DH once years ago. It brought some attention and fortunately no long term downside in our case.

They can mandate in home therapist for awhile to work on issues. Does not need to result in kids being removed if handled appropriately on BOTH sides.

[Anonymous]

Please seek help OP before your husband punches them in the face or throws them into a wall. This will only get worse if not fixed ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good suggestions in this thread.

1. If you involve CPS you are inviting people with guns (or backed up by people with guns) into your house to decide how your family is going to live. They do not answer to you. They are not going to advocate for you. They may decide you’re at fault. CPS is for situations where kids have no one else to act in their favor. Your kids have you.

2. Your husband has a severe mental disorder. He is dangerous, to the kids and to you. He clearly got some very bad ideas from somewhere about how to treat children. Any kind of physical “discipline” beyond maybe a light swat on a padded behind in toddlerhood is inadmissible. Pulling down a child’s pants is inadmissible.

3. Only you can decide if your husband will listen to reason, see a professional, get appropriate medicine, get therapy, or not. If he won’t, it’s time for somebody to leave.

4. Gathering evidence may be a good idea but check the eavesdropping statute in your jurisdiction (one party or two party consent) and get legal advice before you act.

5. Act decisively, because if you are weak or quibble he will roll right over top of you. In this context, people use the excuse of staying with the abuser “to protect the kids.” Most often it’s to protect the non-abusing spouse who’s afraid to leave.

[Anonymous]

I think you could call cos to ask them about it (and what response would be) without giving your name. In the meantime start getting things in line to divorce and tell him in advance (and follow through) that you will raise holy hell if he is physical or cruel to the children again. Meaning there is no “daddy lost his temper but now we are making up” or sex or meals cooked or pleasantries exchanged. He is damaging your tiny, precious children ffs-start protecting them and show him snd them they are worth taking a stand over.