SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

OP here. She texts everyday glowing about her awesome adventures.

So she is an Awesome Annie and you're a Negative Nellie. Let her be and you work on you.

[Anonymous]

She probably grew up in a home where she had to behave like that or serious consequences. Its fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who really and truly practice gratitude every day. Their lives are sunny because, well, they are sunny. It’s not that they don’t have hard times, it that they choose to focus on the good. They aren’t trying to be a brand, they really want to share and spread the good. Sure, their lives aren’t perfect, but I don’t need to see that. I have enough imperfect in my life. I check them out when I need a laugh or pick me up.

I don’t get the idea that “real life” has to be miserable, or sharing misery. Misery passes if you let it go.

I don’t get the idea of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours look like it’s burning brighter, either

Part of teaching kids good character is being optimistic and grateful sure, but it's also being humble. You share your good news absolutely, but if you are crossing over in bragging DAILY, it's not being optimistic. It is being obnoxious. It's like humblebragging on social media and then posting #blessed. That is not showing gratitude if you do it all the time. It's trying to hide your bragging. Do you see the difference? OP is saying this is happening every single day. Our kids should not need a constant stream of praise to function. Of course we want them to be optimistic and grateful. That doesn't mean they don't need read the room.

DP. Except OP openly states that she is trying to work on her jealousy. The problem sounds much more like it is OP than the SIL. The SIL should not have to change just because OP is an ungrateful and petty grump. And you're projecting about the humblebragging so it sounds like maybe this is a soft spot for you, too.

Remember that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. Fix you and you'll find you've fixed your problem with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who really and truly practice gratitude every day. Their lives are sunny because, well, they are sunny. It’s not that they don’t have hard times, it that they choose to focus on the good. They aren’t trying to be a brand, they really want to share and spread the good. Sure, their lives aren’t perfect, but I don’t need to see that. I have enough imperfect in my life. I check them out when I need a laugh or pick me up.

I don’t get the idea that “real life” has to be miserable, or sharing misery. Misery passes if you let it go.

I don’t get the idea of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours look like it’s burning brighter, either

Part of teaching kids good character is being optimistic and grateful sure, but it's also being humble. You share your good news absolutely, but if you are crossing over in bragging DAILY, it's not being optimistic. It is being obnoxious. It's like humblebragging on social media and then posting #blessed. That is not showing gratitude if you do it all the time. It's trying to hide your bragging. Do you see the difference? OP is saying this is happening every single day. Our kids should not need a constant stream of praise to function. Of course we want them to be optimistic and grateful. That doesn't mean they don't need read the room.

DP. Except OP openly states that she is trying to work on her jealousy. The problem sounds much more like it is OP than the SIL. The SIL should not have to change just because OP is an ungrateful and petty grump. And you're projecting about the humblebragging so it sounds like maybe this is a soft spot for you, too.

Remember that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. Fix you and you'll find you've fixed your problem with them.

The posts here are so all-or-nothing: OP is annoyed by SIL's Polly Anna ways, so she's negative and a grump. It's not so black and white; think in nuance and subtleties. People are complex.

[Anonymous]

It is how she copes with the intense emotional turmoil she struggles with inside her all alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who really and truly practice gratitude every day. Their lives are sunny because, well, they are sunny. It’s not that they don’t have hard times, it that they choose to focus on the good. They aren’t trying to be a brand, they really want to share and spread the good. Sure, their lives aren’t perfect, but I don’t need to see that. I have enough imperfect in my life. I check them out when I need a laugh or pick me up.

I don’t get the idea that “real life” has to be miserable, or sharing misery. Misery passes if you let it go.

I don’t get the idea of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours look like it’s burning brighter, either

Part of teaching kids good character is being optimistic and grateful sure, but it's also being humble. You share your good news absolutely, but if you are crossing over in bragging DAILY, it's not being optimistic. It is being obnoxious. It's like humblebragging on social media and then posting #blessed. That is not showing gratitude if you do it all the time. It's trying to hide your bragging. Do you see the difference? OP is saying this is happening every single day. Our kids should not need a constant stream of praise to function. Of course we want them to be optimistic and grateful. That doesn't mean they don't need read the room.

DP. Except OP openly states that she is trying to work on her jealousy. The problem sounds much more like it is OP than the SIL. The SIL should not have to change just because OP is an ungrateful and petty grump. And you're projecting about the humblebragging so it sounds like maybe this is a soft spot for you, too.

Remember that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. Fix you and you'll find you've fixed your problem with them.

The posts here are so all-or-nothing: OP is annoyed by SIL's Polly Anna ways, so she's negative and a grump. It's not so black and white; think in nuance and subtleties. People are complex.

This. It would be easier to ignore if the SIL just put it all on IG. OP could check once a week or every other week, hit some likes and be done.

[Anonymous]

You can remove yourself from a group chat. I kind of see people like this as insecure. They need constant validation. I have pictures and videos of my kids having fun and simply because they arent shared on social media some people would say it never happened.

You do need help, op. I would ignore for the texts for the most part. Respond occasionally.its not good to compare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who really and truly practice gratitude every day. Their lives are sunny because, well, they are sunny. It’s not that they don’t have hard times, it that they choose to focus on the good. They aren’t trying to be a brand, they really want to share and spread the good. Sure, their lives aren’t perfect, but I don’t need to see that. I have enough imperfect in my life. I check them out when I need a laugh or pick me up.

I don’t get the idea that “real life” has to be miserable, or sharing misery. Misery passes if you let it go.

I don’t get the idea of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours look like it’s burning brighter, either

Part of teaching kids good character is being optimistic and grateful sure, but it's also being humble. You share your good news absolutely, but if you are crossing over in bragging DAILY, it's not being optimistic. It is being obnoxious. It's like humblebragging on social media and then posting #blessed. That is not showing gratitude if you do it all the time. It's trying to hide your bragging. Do you see the difference? OP is saying this is happening every single day. Our kids should not need a constant stream of praise to function. Of course we want them to be optimistic and grateful. That doesn't mean they don't need read the room.

DP. Except OP openly states that she is trying to work on her jealousy. The problem sounds much more like it is OP than the SIL. The SIL should not have to change just because OP is an ungrateful and petty grump. And you're projecting about the humblebragging so it sounds like maybe this is a soft spot for you, too.

Remember that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. Fix you and you'll find you've fixed your problem with them.

+1 Stop blaming your SIL for your own issues. When you're happier with yourself OP you'll suddenly discover that your SIL isn't quite the horrible person you think she is. So get to work on helping yourself be a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who really and truly practice gratitude every day. Their lives are sunny because, well, they are sunny. It’s not that they don’t have hard times, it that they choose to focus on the good. They aren’t trying to be a brand, they really want to share and spread the good. Sure, their lives aren’t perfect, but I don’t need to see that. I have enough imperfect in my life. I check them out when I need a laugh or pick me up.

I don’t get the idea that “real life” has to be miserable, or sharing misery. Misery passes if you let it go.

I don’t get the idea of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours look like it’s burning brighter, either

Part of teaching kids good character is being optimistic and grateful sure, but it's also being humble. You share your good news absolutely, but if you are crossing over in bragging DAILY, it's not being optimistic. It is being obnoxious. It's like humblebragging on social media and then posting #blessed. That is not showing gratitude if you do it all the time. It's trying to hide your bragging. Do you see the difference? OP is saying this is happening every single day. Our kids should not need a constant stream of praise to function. Of course we want them to be optimistic and grateful. That doesn't mean they don't need read the room.

DP. Except OP openly states that she is trying to work on her jealousy. The problem sounds much more like it is OP than the SIL. The SIL should not have to change just because OP is an ungrateful and petty grump. And you're projecting about the humblebragging so it sounds like maybe this is a soft spot for you, too.

Remember that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. Fix you and you'll find you've fixed your problem with them.

+1 Stop blaming your SIL for your own issues. When you're happier with yourself OP you'll suddenly discover that your SIL isn't quite the horrible person you think she is. So get to work on helping yourself be a better person.

I’m not unhappy. I don’t think she’s horrible. I’m a good person. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

[Anonymous]

I've never gotten into Facebook but I have an account for keeping up with community stuff. I accepted a friend request from someone who seems nice. Judging from her feed, she appears to lead a perfect life. She owns her own business, has a family, she has amazing elderly relatives. I enjoy her posts. I don't really care if she is glossing everything over or whatever. That is none of my business and I don't know her beyond a mutual specific shared interest. Her posts are like a nice ray of sunshine, and that's how I enjoy them.

I think people are just expressing themselves on media, but maybe we should enjoy it the way we enjoy a T.V. program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who really and truly practice gratitude every day. Their lives are sunny because, well, they are sunny. It’s not that they don’t have hard times, it that they choose to focus on the good. They aren’t trying to be a brand, they really want to share and spread the good. Sure, their lives aren’t perfect, but I don’t need to see that. I have enough imperfect in my life. I check them out when I need a laugh or pick me up.

I don’t get the idea that “real life” has to be miserable, or sharing misery. Misery passes if you let it go.

I don’t get the idea of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours look like it’s burning brighter, either

Part of teaching kids good character is being optimistic and grateful sure, but it's also being humble. You share your good news absolutely, but if you are crossing over in bragging DAILY, it's not being optimistic. It is being obnoxious. It's like humblebragging on social media and then posting #blessed. That is not showing gratitude if you do it all the time. It's trying to hide your bragging. Do you see the difference? OP is saying this is happening every single day. Our kids should not need a constant stream of praise to function. Of course we want them to be optimistic and grateful. That doesn't mean they don't need read the room.

DP. Except OP openly states that she is trying to work on her jealousy. The problem sounds much more like it is OP than the SIL. The SIL should not have to change just because OP is an ungrateful and petty grump. And you're projecting about the humblebragging so it sounds like maybe this is a soft spot for you, too.

Remember that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. Fix you and you'll find you've fixed your problem with them.

+1 Stop blaming your SIL for your own issues. When you're happier with yourself OP you'll suddenly discover that your SIL isn't quite the horrible person you think she is. So get to work on helping yourself be a better person.

I’m not unhappy. I don’t think she’s horrible. I’m a good person. Good lord.

Here's the deal...if you were happy and tolerant and a "good" person then you wouldn't be here b'ing about your SIL. Happy, tolerant and "good" people don't waste time BMC'ing about other people. If you were happy, tolerant and "good", you would be able to take her as she is. She actually sounds pretty nebulous. But here you are with your put-upon mode complaining about her. That means that there is something wrong with you. Figure it out, fix it and then hopefully stop being such a grump that you won't let other people be without whining and complaining about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who really and truly practice gratitude every day. Their lives are sunny because, well, they are sunny. It’s not that they don’t have hard times, it that they choose to focus on the good. They aren’t trying to be a brand, they really want to share and spread the good. Sure, their lives aren’t perfect, but I don’t need to see that. I have enough imperfect in my life. I check them out when I need a laugh or pick me up.

I don’t get the idea that “real life” has to be miserable, or sharing misery. Misery passes if you let it go.

I don’t get the idea of blowing out someone else’s candle to make yours look like it’s burning brighter, either

Part of teaching kids good character is being optimistic and grateful sure, but it's also being humble. You share your good news absolutely, but if you are crossing over in bragging DAILY, it's not being optimistic. It is being obnoxious. It's like humblebragging on social media and then posting #blessed. That is not showing gratitude if you do it all the time. It's trying to hide your bragging. Do you see the difference? OP is saying this is happening every single day. Our kids should not need a constant stream of praise to function. Of course we want them to be optimistic and grateful. That doesn't mean they don't need read the room.

DP. Except OP openly states that she is trying to work on her jealousy. The problem sounds much more like it is OP than the SIL. The SIL should not have to change just because OP is an ungrateful and petty grump. And you're projecting about the humblebragging so it sounds like maybe this is a soft spot for you, too.

Remember that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. Fix you and you'll find you've fixed your problem with them.

+1 Stop blaming your SIL for your own issues. When you're happier with yourself OP you'll suddenly discover that your SIL isn't quite the horrible person you think she is. So get to work on helping yourself be a better person.

I’m not unhappy. I don’t think she’s horrible. I’m a good person. Good lord.

Here's the deal...if you were happy and tolerant and a "good" person then you wouldn't be here b'ing about your SIL. Happy, tolerant and "good" people don't waste time BMC'ing about other people. If you were happy, tolerant and "good", you would be able to take her as she is. She actually sounds pretty nebulous. But here you are with your put-upon mode complaining about her. That means that there is something wrong with you. Figure it out, fix it and then hopefully stop being such a grump that you won't let other people be without whining and complaining about them.

Who are you to decide what constitutes a "good" person? Good people can have flaws, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and triggers. This is a forum for family relationship issues. People come here to vent. By your deranged calculus, posters here are "bad" people because they come here to "b" (whatever that means) about their family.

Happy people can also be complex people who get "sad" or upset or bristle at certain things. It's part of being a fully developed human and not a robotic one-note. One more tip, stop judging strangers on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is athletic, has a great singing voice, plays guitar, has two beautiful children, has a spouse she loves, lives in a $2.5 million home in Berkeley that literally overlooks a Bay view and the Golden Gate Bridge. Six-figure job, and she's a former caterer who makes gourmet meals. She's fun and funny, and speaks fluent French.

I love her and am happy for her. Because none of that takes away from me.

What's the point of your story? Does she text you about it multiple times daily? Different situations, but congrats?

About..."it"? Do you mean...her life? Not daily, but we do text weekly or biweekly about LIFE. And I manage to hear about both the mundane and the big moments without feeling jealous or put-upon. Because I have a life of my own.