SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

OP, perfection is a full time job. Also, who cares. and also.. at the end of the day, nobody is perfect and especially perfect people because perfection is NOT NORMAL and if someone is perfect that means that they are faking it to the point of puke. Nobody likes perfect people because they are fake and unreal and everyone who has any smarts knows that life has ups and downs and even if she is so perfect on the surface she is most likely crying when nobody sees it. I would actually ask her if she needs some help because those people who has such a perfect façade often hide something horrible and are afraid that someone can tell.

So with that in mind pity her as you go from now on and give it time.. give it time..

To me you are more perfect then her because you know you are not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Is she on Prozac?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is overcompensating and not very smart!
I have a friend whose “adventures” are not just upbeat, they are super mundane. It is not as annoying as she does not text but posts on FB, but still.
She posted her 7 mile hike in the rain with kids who were wet and looked pretty miserable and made it look like the happiest outing ever.
Here’s the kicker: she lives with a penny pinching husband who is bothered by her buying herself a pair of jeans; she is with her kids 24/7; she hasn’t traveled except their interstate move for a year; she lives with her MIL; etc etc.
The poor woman would go crazy if she faced her misery and took it for what it is.
I should actually say former friend I guess - we don’t have much to talk about since she moved and I know I can’t say what I really think about her husband and her life - we had this conversation- so I see no point in maintaining this friendship.

In her case it sounds like she is trying to make the best of a difficult situation, and find joy in the simple things because what you describe isn’t perfect - I actually empathize with her. Maybe she’s doing the best that she can. And you don’t want to be her friend because she doesn’t want to hear you criticize her life and focus on her struggles? She is better off without that kind of friendship, geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is overcompensating and not very smart!
I have a friend whose “adventures” are not just upbeat, they are super mundane. It is not as annoying as she does not text but posts on FB, but still.
She posted her 7 mile hike in the rain with kids who were wet and looked pretty miserable and made it look like the happiest outing ever.
Here’s the kicker: she lives with a penny pinching husband who is bothered by her buying herself a pair of jeans; she is with her kids 24/7; she hasn’t traveled except their interstate move for a year; she lives with her MIL; etc etc.
The poor woman would go crazy if she faced her misery and took it for what it is.
I should actually say former friend I guess - we don’t have much to talk about since she moved and I know I can’t say what I really think about her husband and her life - we had this conversation- so I see no point in maintaining this friendship.

In her case it sounds like she is trying to make the best of a difficult situation, and find joy in the simple things because what you describe isn’t perfect - I actually empathize with her. Maybe she’s doing the best that she can. And you don’t want to be her friend because she doesn’t want to hear you criticize her life and focus on her struggles? She is better off without that kind of friendship, geez.

And why do you want her to “face her misery”? You have disdain for her. You’re not a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, perfection is a full time job. Also, who cares. and also.. at the end of the day, nobody is perfect and especially perfect people because perfection is NOT NORMAL and if someone is perfect that means that they are faking it to the point of puke. Nobody likes perfect people because they are fake and unreal and everyone who has any smarts knows that life has ups and downs and even if she is so perfect on the surface she is most likely crying when nobody sees it. I would actually ask her if she needs some help because those people who has such a perfect façade often hide something horrible and are afraid that someone can tell.

So with that in mind pity her as you go from now on and give it time.. give it time..

To me you are more perfect then her because you know you are not perfect.

You are nuts. Have you considered SIL isn’t seeking perfection, she’s simply a private person who only confides in her inner circle?

I would think trust or confide in gossipy, projecting, Tragedy Vulture OP, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

Um you are projecting big time here if you think OP would love it if someone's brother committed suicide. Step away from DCUM and call your therapist. OP didn't say she hates her SIL or wishes her bad things. She simply finds it over the top to send daily emails portraying a perfect life. It's no different than the people who curate IG except it is being sent to her. This seems deeply personal for you. If you are this type of person then perhaps not everyone wants your daily updates. That doesn't meamn they wish bad things would happen to you. It simply means they have other things like work, family and true friends and congratulating you once a week should be enough. Daily praise is a bit much.

Reeeeach, reach, reaaaaachhhhh! I don't text or call anyone daily. I also don't have an IG account. Do try harder.

No way. You typed THIS "Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?" and you say OTHER people are reaching? Oh, honey no.

Like most people with toxic positivity, you have a complete dearth of self-awareness. Look in the mirror for that reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

Um you are projecting big time here if you think OP would love it if someone's brother committed suicide. Step away from DCUM and call your therapist. OP didn't say she hates her SIL or wishes her bad things. She simply finds it over the top to send daily emails portraying a perfect life. It's no different than the people who curate IG except it is being sent to her. This seems deeply personal for you. If you are this type of person then perhaps not everyone wants your daily updates. That doesn't meamn they wish bad things would happen to you. It simply means they have other things like work, family and true friends and congratulating you once a week should be enough. Daily praise is a bit much.

Reeeeach, reach, reaaaaachhhhh! I don't text or call anyone daily. I also don't have an IG account. Do try harder.

No way. You typed THIS "Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?" and you say OTHER people are reaching? Oh, honey no.

Like most people with toxic positivity, you have a complete dearth of self-awareness. Look in the mirror for that reach.

NP--I just found this thread. Look at the date and time stamps. Why are you starting up a dead thread? What are you "reaching" for?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

Not daily, but we do text weekly. If I don’t want daily texts, I know how to open my mouth and set reasonable boundaries.

Sound like you need to work on speaking up if you have a problem...

I do like brownie recipes and tips, if you have any.

Sooo, she didn't text you daily about the red carpet, you saw it on social media and were pleased for her. Totally different circumstances. Do you have any actionable advice for reducing volume of unwanted texts?

Oh, she texted me about the movie! I've known about it here and there through the process: when she got hired, during production, Etc. It's been very exciting!

Here's a script for people who can't figure out basic communication on their own:
"Hey SIL, as you've noticed, I'm not great at keeping up with daily texts. I have so many emails and other messages to keep up with, daily just isn't for me. Can we try checking in over text on Fridays?"

There you go! Any other basic things you need help with that would literally require five seconds of thinking through?

Does poorly executed sarcasm make you happy?

In the face of deliberate ineptitude and willful/feigned ignorance, it absolutely does.

With respect, it's not that easy to dial down entrenched in-law communication without making waves. Your suggestion might be fine in theory but in practice, it's dicier. Way dicier.

+1,000,000 The smug poster does not seem to understand how complicated family systems are. Might be easier to slowly decrease response and get yourself over time to a once a week check of texts and positive comments. I would not use the words that poster used if there is any family dysfunction. There is nothing mean there, but someone who needs to text this stuff daily may be a tad obsessive and you don't want to ruffle feathers. Easier to slowly fade to once a week or less.

Here's what: yes, SIL or someone else might find my message off-putting. And? So? It is a clear and honest expression of a reasonable boundary. So if anyone has a problem with a reasonable boundary, that's their issue, not mine.

I will always be the person who communicates directly when there is an issue, or when I have a need or a preference. I will never be the person who resents and gossips and speculates and winds myself into knots over...a few texts.

You may think you're being kind by stuffing your wants down, but the proof is in the pudding: I'm not the one on the internet bashing my SIL, and inviting others to do the same.

No, you’re on the Internet being smug! 🤣

It's really not my problem that you interpret directness and refusal to play petty, gossipy games as being "smug." You can keep stewing about it. That's not my issue.

No, that all sounds fine. It's your repeated posts and tone that leads to the "smug" categorization. Give advice, be compassionate, move on. And recognize that in-law relationships are fraught and what might work for your movie pal in Tampa (?) might not work with a long-entrenched in-law dynamic with many more opportunities for misinterpretation and deeper repercussions with hurt feelings.

I'm not that concerned with what you deem as "fine" for me to do. I'm going to post as I choose to post. Have a good day!

Again, smug. You sound like a bratty 13-year-old girl who always needs to have the last word.

Your insecurity and desperation are shining through like a lighthouse beacon here, BTW. You might want to tuck that back in. Not a good look.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would look at things differently OP. Living like your SIL is exhausting. I can’t imagine that she has much peace. Just be kind and patient and don’t push her to be negative. We are all just getting by in our own way.

Actually, staying focused on gratitude and the positive in your life IS the way to stay happy and have "peace." This may be exactly what she is doing. Look at the research OP and start your own "gratitude journal."

Oh, FFS. You're serious. "Gratitude journals" are inanity perpetuated by Target throw pillow, scrapbooker, word stickers/stencils in cursive on their home's walls, signs that say LAUNDRY in their laundry room and KITCHEN in their kitchen, and "In This House We" framed prints on their walls women. Insipid. So I guess that's why these people are so happy -- they're blissfully low IQ.

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the theft of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would look at things differently OP. Living like your SIL is exhausting. I can’t imagine that she has much peace. Just be kind and patient and don’t push her to be negative. We are all just getting by in our own way.

Actually, staying focused on gratitude and the positive in your life IS the way to stay happy and have "peace." This may be exactly what she is doing. Look at the research OP and start your own "gratitude journal."

Oh, FFS. You're serious. "Gratitude journals" are inanity perpetuated by Target throw pillow, scrapbooker, word stickers/stencils in cursive on their home's walls, signs that say LAUNDRY in their laundry room and KITCHEN in their kitchen, and "In This House We" framed prints on their walls women. Insipid. So I guess that's why these people are so happy -- they're blissfully low IQ.

🌸 Live, laugh, love... 🌸

No fussin, no mussin, no backtalk... 😆

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is overcompensating and not very smart!
I have a friend whose “adventures” are not just upbeat, they are super mundane. It is not as annoying as she does not text but posts on FB, but still.
She posted her 7 mile hike in the rain with kids who were wet and looked pretty miserable and made it look like the happiest outing ever.
Here’s the kicker: she lives with a penny pinching husband who is bothered by her buying herself a pair of jeans; she is with her kids 24/7; she hasn’t traveled except their interstate move for a year; she lives with her MIL; etc etc.
The poor woman would go crazy if she faced her misery and took it for what it is.
I should actually say former friend I guess - we don’t have much to talk about since she moved and I know I can’t say what I really think about her husband and her life - we had this conversation- so I see no point in maintaining this friendship.

In her case it sounds like she is trying to make the best of a difficult situation, and find joy in the simple things because what you describe isn’t perfect - I actually empathize with her. Maybe she’s doing the best that she can. And you don’t want to be her friend because she doesn’t want to hear you criticize her life and focus on her struggles? She is better off without that kind of friendship, geez.

Agreed!
The PP sounds like a sanctimonious, smarmy nightmare.

I'll bet if we looked at her life as closely as she's looking at her "former friend's" life, she definitely wouldn't like what we would see either... her glass house sounds extremly smudgy & unappealing.

You shouldn't be so judgmental -- it's a really unattractive & unlikable trait.

[Anonymous]

99 percent of social media is curated and photoshopped for attractive presentation. Its fake. Social media is not real life. Think of it as a photo album. What kind of photos do you keep In your album? You likely keep photos of fun times, flattering shots, beautiful things, happy moments, rewarding moments, exciting moments, accomplishment, cute kids, etc.
Most people don't want to keep or show photos of the ugly underbelly of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

Not daily, but we do text weekly. If I don’t want daily texts, I know how to open my mouth and set reasonable boundaries.

Sound like you need to work on speaking up if you have a problem...

I do like brownie recipes and tips, if you have any.

Sooo, she didn't text you daily about the red carpet, you saw it on social media and were pleased for her. Totally different circumstances. Do you have any actionable advice for reducing volume of unwanted texts?

Oh, she texted me about the movie! I've known about it here and there through the process: when she got hired, during production, Etc. It's been very exciting!

Here's a script for people who can't figure out basic communication on their own:
"Hey SIL, as you've noticed, I'm not great at keeping up with daily texts. I have so many emails and other messages to keep up with, daily just isn't for me. Can we try checking in over text on Fridays?"

There you go! Any other basic things you need help with that would literally require five seconds of thinking through?

Does poorly executed sarcasm make you happy?

In the face of deliberate ineptitude and willful/feigned ignorance, it absolutely does.

With respect, it's not that easy to dial down entrenched in-law communication without making waves. Your suggestion might be fine in theory but in practice, it's dicier. Way dicier.

+1,000,000 The smug poster does not seem to understand how complicated family systems are. Might be easier to slowly decrease response and get yourself over time to a once a week check of texts and positive comments. I would not use the words that poster used if there is any family dysfunction. There is nothing mean there, but someone who needs to text this stuff daily may be a tad obsessive and you don't want to ruffle feathers. Easier to slowly fade to once a week or less.

Here's what: yes, SIL or someone else might find my message off-putting. And? So? It is a clear and honest expression of a reasonable boundary. So if anyone has a problem with a reasonable boundary, that's their issue, not mine.

I will always be the person who communicates directly when there is an issue, or when I have a need or a preference. I will never be the person who resents and gossips and speculates and winds myself into knots over...a few texts.

You may think you're being kind by stuffing your wants down, but the proof is in the pudding: I'm not the one on the internet bashing my SIL, and inviting others to do the same.

No, you’re on the Internet being smug! 🤣

It's really not my problem that you interpret directness and refusal to play petty, gossipy games as being "smug." You can keep stewing about it. That's not my issue.

No, that all sounds fine. It's your repeated posts and tone that leads to the "smug" categorization. Give advice, be compassionate, move on. And recognize that in-law relationships are fraught and what might work for your movie pal in Tampa (?) might not work with a long-entrenched in-law dynamic with many more opportunities for misinterpretation and deeper repercussions with hurt feelings.

I'm not that concerned with what you deem as "fine" for me to do. I'm going to post as I choose to post. Have a good day!

Again, smug. You sound like a bratty 13-year-old girl who always needs to have the last word.

Your insecurity and desperation are shining through like a lighthouse beacon here, BTW. You might want to tuck that back in. Not a good look.

NP

Why are you reviving an old thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:99 percent of social media is curated and photoshopped for attractive presentation. Its fake. Social media is not real life. Think of it as a photo album. What kind of photos do you keep In your album? You likely keep photos of fun times, flattering shots, beautiful things, happy moments, rewarding moments, exciting moments, accomplishment, cute kids, etc.
Most people don't want to keep or show photos of the ugly underbelly of our lives.

Who are your fiends? Do you "follow" "influencers" and think they are your friends? My friends post things like rumpled kids smiling with Easter basket, hikes looking sweaty but smiling, and maybe the occasional vaccine pic. Who cares? If you don't like what someone posts, Unfollow them. Simple.