SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

My husband’s cousin is like this on her Facebook. She’s a SAHM, kids are adorable, they have a lovely house near the beach and are always doing fun stuff. If I didn’t know through the family grapevine about all their various issues, I would also think their lives were picture perfect.

Social media/texting allows people to curate their lives to fit a narrative. Remember that. Look away if you need to.

[Anonymous]

I’m a low energy person and quite happy to do few, but meaningful things. So your SIL would not bother me. I’d be happy that she’s so energetic, and amused she feels the need to share so much. I wouldn’t respond. And I’d be grateful I’m not living with someone like that!!!

[Anonymous]

Does she only text you? Or is this the family group chat?

If it's just to you, stop responding to each one and she'll eventually get the hint. Respond maybe once every few days with "looks lovely!" or just a thumbs up reaction.

If it's the family group chat, I found it hugely helpful to silence the notifications for that one. Sometimes my MIL is just texting my SIL about something not involving anyone else. The constant pings were annoying. I found it stopped bothering me to so much when I didn't have to HEAR it and just saw the conversation the next time I picked up my phone. Much easier to ignore all the sunset pictures if they are intruding on your day, but are instead just there when you scroll your phone a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, I don't know if you're exactly a reliable narrator. If there's some kind of family group chat and her contributions are positive, then...that's totally fine, normal and nothing for you to get your knickers twisted over.

If it is just her to you out of the blue, and you think she's bragging or exaggerating, then why don't you just tell her that you can't text everyday. Speak up!

I don't see what the problem is. If she tried a new cookie recipe and it was great, that's nice. If she took the kids on a hike and here's a picture, that's nice. If she read a new book and loved it, that's nice.

It honestly sounds like the problem is your insecurity and general negativity.

I'm not an outwardly negative person. This is more internal for me.

Happy people aren't bothered by other people being generally pleasant or positive. Happy people don't feel insecure and jealous because someone else seems to be doing well: they are happy for that person, or they at least feel neutral enough to not pay too much attention.

You're focused on her. WHY? Do you need a hobby? Do you need to focus on your own life? Busy, happy people simply don't ruminate, bean-count, or monitor the mood and behavior of other people this closely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, I don't know if you're exactly a reliable narrator. If there's some kind of family group chat and her contributions are positive, then...that's totally fine, normal and nothing for you to get your knickers twisted over.

If it is just her to you out of the blue, and you think she's bragging or exaggerating, then why don't you just tell her that you can't text everyday. Speak up!

I don't see what the problem is. If she tried a new cookie recipe and it was great, that's nice. If she took the kids on a hike and here's a picture, that's nice. If she read a new book and loved it, that's nice.

It honestly sounds like the problem is your insecurity and general negativity.

I'm not an outwardly negative person. This is more internal for me.

Happy people aren't bothered by other people being generally pleasant or positive. Happy people don't feel insecure and jealous because someone else seems to be doing well: they are happy for that person, or they at least feel neutral enough to not pay too much attention.

You're focused on her. WHY? Do you need a hobby? Do you need to focus on your own life? Busy, happy people simply don't ruminate, bean-count, or monitor the mood and behavior of other people this closely.

Not true. Happy people are happy for others is true. However, it is pretty human and normal to be annoyed by DAILY texts of perfection or really daily texts of anything other than maybe something funny or a meme or something. OP is sensing something if off. Well adjusted people do not send daily texts updating their life and saying how wonderful it is. That said, you just ignore the texts and read the whole shabang once a week or every few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, I don't know if you're exactly a reliable narrator. If there's some kind of family group chat and her contributions are positive, then...that's totally fine, normal and nothing for you to get your knickers twisted over.

If it is just her to you out of the blue, and you think she's bragging or exaggerating, then why don't you just tell her that you can't text everyday. Speak up!

I don't see what the problem is. If she tried a new cookie recipe and it was great, that's nice. If she took the kids on a hike and here's a picture, that's nice. If she read a new book and loved it, that's nice.

It honestly sounds like the problem is your insecurity and general negativity.

I'm not an outwardly negative person. This is more internal for me.

Happy people aren't bothered by other people being generally pleasant or positive. Happy people don't feel insecure and jealous because someone else seems to be doing well: they are happy for that person, or they at least feel neutral enough to not pay too much attention.

You're focused on her. WHY? Do you need a hobby? Do you need to focus on your own life? Busy, happy people simply don't ruminate, bean-count, or monitor the mood and behavior of other people this closely.

Not true. Happy people are happy for others is true. However, it is pretty human and normal to be annoyed by DAILY texts of perfection or really daily texts of anything other than maybe something funny or a meme or something. OP is sensing something if off. Well adjusted people do not send daily texts updating their life and saying how wonderful it is. That said, you just ignore the texts and read the whole shabang once a week or every few weeks.

Oh my word...AS SUGGESTED, she can make it clear that she doesn't want daily texts! Ba da ba da ba ba, problem solved!

But note the subject line and the bulk of OP's writing is not about communication frequency. It's about someone else being happy, positive, and satisfied with life. Hmmm....

Look at your language: "DAILY texts of perfection"...meaning...what? "We baked blueberry muffins today, and Timmy loved them!" That's just something nice, not something "perfect." Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, I don't know if you're exactly a reliable narrator. If there's some kind of family group chat and her contributions are positive, then...that's totally fine, normal and nothing for you to get your knickers twisted over.

If it is just her to you out of the blue, and you think she's bragging or exaggerating, then why don't you just tell her that you can't text everyday. Speak up!

I don't see what the problem is. If she tried a new cookie recipe and it was great, that's nice. If she took the kids on a hike and here's a picture, that's nice. If she read a new book and loved it, that's nice.

It honestly sounds like the problem is your insecurity and general negativity.

I'm not an outwardly negative person. This is more internal for me.

Happy people aren't bothered by other people being generally pleasant or positive. Happy people don't feel insecure and jealous because someone else seems to be doing well: they are happy for that person, or they at least feel neutral enough to not pay too much attention.

You're focused on her. WHY? Do you need a hobby? Do you need to focus on your own life? Busy, happy people simply don't ruminate, bean-count, or monitor the mood and behavior of other people this closely.

x100000

NAILED IT.

[Anonymous]

This is actually polite of her. It’s rude and burdensome to text complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve posted this before. Mute her texts (turn off notifications) and focus on fixing your life.

Are you serious? OP, if you have posted about this before, and you are again writing a diatribe about someone...being happy over text, it is time to run, not walk, to the phone to book a therapy appointment.

Quick, before you boil a bunny in her kitchen out of sheer jealousy! I hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar struggle with my SIL, except it’s not so much that she’s trying to make her life seem exciting, it’s more that she wants to talk on the phone or via text with me on a daily basis about things I find incredibly boring.

Another poster up thread talked about being in “guest mode” or “on” with her in laws, and I totally get that. But what’s weird is she contacts me almost every day....to talk about:
-meals she’s making (not show-off kinds of meals, just ordinary simple family dinners)
-her chiropractor appointment
-home decor (really though, not showing off...more like how she’s rearranging her basement furniture)

This does kind of confuse me. It doesn’t upset me and I’m not envious. But our lives are EXTREMELY different and I don’t get it. Is she super lonely? Is this what all her friendships look like?

I thought with time if I engaged with her more frequently, that it would strengthen our relationship and we’d be able to talk about deeper more substantive things, but I’ve been working this for almost a year and it hasn’t gotten any deeper. She doesn’t for example, share her struggles or her sorrows or her snark. I guess that’s what my friendships look like so I don’t know what this is or what she’s getting out of it or why she wants to communicate so much about essentially nothing.

Sometimes it kind of annoys me just how incredibly DIFFERENT we are from each other, whereas in other friendships what I love is that sense of understanding each other. I don’t really get that from my SIL and I wonder if she does get it from me? Or does she not need it?

Ultimately my conclusion is, I think for her this is friendship. I don’t think she has the kinds of friendships I have, where we go deep into things. She’s more comfortable keeping it light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar struggle with my SIL, except it’s not so much that she’s trying to make her life seem exciting, it’s more that she wants to talk on the phone or via text with me on a daily basis about things I find incredibly boring.

Another poster up thread talked about being in “guest mode” or “on” with her in laws, and I totally get that. But what’s weird is she contacts me almost every day....to talk about:
-meals she’s making (not show-off kinds of meals, just ordinary simple family dinners)
-her chiropractor appointment
-home decor (really though, not showing off...more like how she’s rearranging her basement furniture)

This does kind of confuse me. It doesn’t upset me and I’m not envious. But our lives are EXTREMELY different and I don’t get it. Is she super lonely? Is this what all her friendships look like?

I thought with time if I engaged with her more frequently, that it would strengthen our relationship and we’d be able to talk about deeper more substantive things, but I’ve been working this for almost a year and it hasn’t gotten any deeper. She doesn’t for example, share her struggles or her sorrows or her snark. I guess that’s what my friendships look like so I don’t know what this is or what she’s getting out of it or why she wants to communicate so much about essentially nothing.

Sometimes it kind of annoys me just how incredibly DIFFERENT we are from each other, whereas in other friendships what I love is that sense of understanding each other. I don’t really get that from my SIL and I wonder if she does get it from me? Or does she not need it?

Ultimately my conclusion is, I think for her this is friendship. I don’t think she has the kinds of friendships I have, where we go deep into things. She’s more comfortable keeping it light.

Are you saying...could it be...people are different from you?! Are you serious? Hmm, wowie zowie? So instead of being just like you, she's...not the same as you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve posted this before. Mute her texts (turn off notifications) and focus on fixing your life.

Are you serious? OP, if you have posted about this before, and you are again writing a diatribe about someone...being happy over text, it is time to run, not walk, to the phone to book a therapy appointment.

Quick, before you boil a bunny in her kitchen out of sheer jealousy! I hope you feel better soon.

Do you? Your post is kinda mean.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

Sorry, I’m
Not the OP, I’m the PP who wrote the long answer about my SIL who is very different from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

Then tell her you don't want daily contact, or simply ignore the calls/texts and respond to them at your own pace. How is this hard? How have you not "solved" this problem? Why are you hanging on to this instead of taking basic steps to reframe the contact in a way that works for you?

You seem to prefer going along with her pace of contact only to complain about her. Why?