SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

Then tell her you don't want daily contact, or simply ignore the calls/texts and respond to them at your own pace. How is this hard? How have you not "solved" this problem? Why are you hanging on to this instead of taking basic steps to reframe the contact in a way that works for you?

You seem to prefer going along with her pace of contact only to complain about her. Why?

Again, for clarity, I’m not OP.

I explained in my PP that I was hoping it would strengthen our relationship and then we’d talk about deeper things and she’d drop the armor or come out of “guest mode”. I really hoped it would grow into a more genuine relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

Then tell her you don't want daily contact, or simply ignore the calls/texts and respond to them at your own pace. How is this hard? How have you not "solved" this problem? Why are you hanging on to this instead of taking basic steps to reframe the contact in a way that works for you?

You seem to prefer going along with her pace of contact only to complain about her. Why?

Again, for clarity, I’m not OP.

I explained in my PP that I was hoping it would strengthen our relationship and then we’d talk about deeper things and she’d drop the armor or come out of “guest mode”. I really hoped it would grow into a more genuine relationship.

...and then it didn't, and when she kept up the daily light contact, you let it keep going...so you could complain about it. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

Then tell her you don't want daily contact, or simply ignore the calls/texts and respond to them at your own pace. How is this hard? How have you not "solved" this problem? Why are you hanging on to this instead of taking basic steps to reframe the contact in a way that works for you?

You seem to prefer going along with her pace of contact only to complain about her. Why?

Again, for clarity, I’m not OP.

I explained in my PP that I was hoping it would strengthen our relationship and then we’d talk about deeper things and she’d drop the armor or come out of “guest mode”. I really hoped it would grow into a more genuine relationship.

...and then it didn't, and when she kept up the daily light contact, you let it keep going...so you could complain about it. Why?

PP here. I guess I’m still hoping that might be where it’s headed. Maybe we’re still building trust? It’s only been a year or so. She’s been my SIL for many years and it’s only in the past year that she reaches out so frequently. It’s not how I would approach things but maybe she needs more time to feel comfortable dropping her armor? I don’t know. I don’t dislike her, but I just don’t relate. But I keep thinking maybe it could grow. I try different tactics, like sharing things that are more personal, or asking her things that are more personal and she seems uncomfortable, but she continues to reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

Then tell her you don't want daily contact, or simply ignore the calls/texts and respond to them at your own pace. How is this hard? How have you not "solved" this problem? Why are you hanging on to this instead of taking basic steps to reframe the contact in a way that works for you?

You seem to prefer going along with her pace of contact only to complain about her. Why?

Again, for clarity, I’m not OP.

I explained in my PP that I was hoping it would strengthen our relationship and then we’d talk about deeper things and she’d drop the armor or come out of “guest mode”. I really hoped it would grow into a more genuine relationship.

...and then it didn't, and when she kept up the daily light contact, you let it keep going...so you could complain about it. Why?

PP here. I guess I’m still hoping that might be where it’s headed. Maybe we’re still building trust? It’s only been a year or so. She’s been my SIL for many years and it’s only in the past year that she reaches out so frequently. It’s not how I would approach things but maybe she needs more time to feel comfortable dropping her armor? I don’t know. I don’t dislike her, but I just don’t relate. But I keep thinking maybe it could grow. I try different tactics, like sharing things that are more personal, or asking her things that are more personal and she seems uncomfortable, but she continues to reach out.

Keeping in touch with her sounds fine. Expecting her to change and then complaining about her anonymously in a chat room seems a bit unproductive. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine that were different, what’s weird is that she wants to talk on a daily basis, voluntarily, to someone so different. What I love about my friends is the feeling of recognition snd of being seen and of being able to relate. I don’t feel that with my SIL. If we weren’t related and she was my neighbor or coworker, I’d never seek her out. I’d be friendly and such but certainly wouldn’t be reaching out to her on a daily basis!

Then tell her you don't want daily contact, or simply ignore the calls/texts and respond to them at your own pace. How is this hard? How have you not "solved" this problem? Why are you hanging on to this instead of taking basic steps to reframe the contact in a way that works for you?

You seem to prefer going along with her pace of contact only to complain about her. Why?

Again, for clarity, I’m not OP.

I explained in my PP that I was hoping it would strengthen our relationship and then we’d talk about deeper things and she’d drop the armor or come out of “guest mode”. I really hoped it would grow into a more genuine relationship.

...and then it didn't, and when she kept up the daily light contact, you let it keep going...so you could complain about it. Why?

PP here. I guess I’m still hoping that might be where it’s headed. Maybe we’re still building trust? It’s only been a year or so. She’s been my SIL for many years and it’s only in the past year that she reaches out so frequently. It’s not how I would approach things but maybe she needs more time to feel comfortable dropping her armor? I don’t know. I don’t dislike her, but I just don’t relate. But I keep thinking maybe it could grow. I try different tactics, like sharing things that are more personal, or asking her things that are more personal and she seems uncomfortable, but she continues to reach out.

Keeping in touch with her sounds fine. Expecting her to change and then complaining about her anonymously in a chat room seems a bit unproductive. Best of luck.

I’m not expecting her to change but it’s not unusual for friendships to start out superficial and then deepen over time. What’s wrong with wanting that? Maybe her timeframe for feeling comfortable with someone is longer than mine, and things will become more authentic over time.

Or maybe to her I am a close friend and this is as deep as she goes. I’m not sure yet. I don’t see how I’m complaining about her or tearing her down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to do more with you then with her. It means there is something lacking in your life that you want to change.

Also, some people don’t like to tell others when they are unhappy, so she only shares the happy moments.

Also likely that she is overcompensating, but either way OP, she is not going to change, so just figure out yourself how to deal with it. Just my opinion, but muting her texts is a lot cheaper and quicker than therapy

[Anonymous]

Can you silence the chats with her, so you're mnot getting constant notifcations, and instead just check once every day or two (or less)?

[Anonymous]

Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.

I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?

Maybe she genuinely feels that way. There was a woman like that in DH’s colon cancer support group. We wondered why she was even there. After a few months, her wife DIED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.

I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?

Maybe she genuinely feels that way. There was a woman like that in DH’s colon cancer support group. We wondered why she was even there. After a few months, her wife DIED.

And like...good that she could still find things to be happy and grateful about in life!

My next door neighbor just lost his wife to lung cancer. It was a long road; eight years. Toward the end, when it became clear that she would soon die, he and his daughters didn't retreat, or speak in hushed tones. They were all of them doing what they could to enjoy the hell out of life. It's only been a few weeks, but he is selling houses and active on social media and chatting across the fence. I'M GLAD that he is doing so well. Because she's gone either way. She's not coming back. So if he has it in him to chat with my daughters as they ride bikes in the driveway, that's better than seeing him weeping on his front stoop, or not seeing him at all because he can't get out of bed.

If he were in heavy mourning, I'd be there for him and would help in any way I could. But he's clearly managing, and I am glad he is. I'm not measuring his level of happiness and wondering why he's not crying into his beer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely mean: seek therapy. It is not normal or healthy for you to be this fixated on someone.

Here's what: unless you see her everyday, or unless she sees your parents every day, why WOULDN'T she be in "guest mode" or somewhat "on"?

I see my ILs 3-4 times a year. We are all very pleasant, etc. But yes, I'm on best behavior. I like them fine, but we're not close. When I am stressed or feel vulnerable, I turn to ***my family and friends*** for support and help, not people I met a few years ago.

I'm sure I could lean on my SIL or my MIL/FIL for support and help, but...I don't need to. I have a very strong support system of family and friends. That's who I organically go to.

So if things are surface-level, "on" and best-face-forward with you and your parents, it's just because...she doesn't need you to lean on. Have you ever thought about that?

Plus, turn it around. Might she be typing, "My SIL is constantly negative, snarky, grumpy and looking for problems. I wish she could be polite, pleasant and positive FOR ONCE." Reflect on your own behavior.

OP here. She texts everyday glowing about her awesome adventures.

Well, if you don't want daily texts, you can just let her know that you prefer not to be in touch so frequently. But what's wrong with having a positive outlook, or celebrating the good things in life?

If I had to pick hearing from someone who was "glowing about her awesome adventures" or someone like you who sounds negative, problem-seeking, rude and judgmental, I'd pick her.

Aw, look, the bully showed up with lots of unhelpful invective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

I think the idea is that with your true friends you share the ups and the downs. Everyone has struggles in their life. It’s not always sitting around sobbing about someone dying. It’s the day to day, week to week challenges we all face.

Things like venting about your crazy boss, sharing your worry over your kid who seems like he might have developmental delays, Talking about the annoying thing your DH did, or how much your hips hurt now that you’re 8 months pregnant, or how much you hate February weather and are sick of being inside....These are the kinds of things I discuss with my friends, along with all the wins. I feel true delight in my friends’ success, but part of that is because I have the context of their struggles too so I know how exciting it is when they get that new job (and away from the evil boss!) or have the new baby it took years of fertility treatment to conceive.

When someone never shares the struggles along with the successes, it makes me think we aren’t really friends and we aren’t actually close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP you might want to check out the IG of Elizabeth-Chambers, wife of Armie "I love Cannibalism and drugs" Hammer. Everything is beautiful, wealthy, sunshine and roses. She's gorgeous with a movie star husband who is from mega wealth and gorgeous children living now in the Cayman Islands. IG is so well curated and lovely and she stays skinny (too skinny IMO0 while owning bakeries and going on cooking shows. Perfect, perfect....except lurking under it all..


Movie star husband is accused of being physically abusive toward his affair partners, he texts about cannibalism, he has been accused of rape, there are several books about generations of corruption, violence and even sexual abuse in his family, he seems to be a drug addict and ...well my point is all is not perfect there. Pretty pictures and tales of perfection are just those. Happy people don't need to share endless photos and tales of perfection. They share their good news now and then, but they don't need to convince anyone life is great.

Reminds me of shannan watts too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

I think the idea is that with your true friends you share the ups and the downs. Everyone has struggles in their life. It’s not always sitting around sobbing about someone dying. It’s the day to day, week to week challenges we all face.

Things like venting about your crazy boss, sharing your worry over your kid who seems like he might have developmental delays, Talking about the annoying thing your DH did, or how much your hips hurt now that you’re 8 months pregnant, or how much you hate February weather and are sick of being inside....These are the kinds of things I discuss with my friends, along with all the wins. I feel true delight in my friends’ success, but part of that is because I have the context of their struggles too so I know how exciting it is when they get that new job (and away from the evil boss!) or have the new baby it took years of fertility treatment to conceive.

When someone never shares the struggles along with the successes, it makes me think we aren’t really friends and we aren’t actually close.

So someone who isn't struggling isn't genuine?

I don't really think my friends are that interested if a coworker is a bit rude to me, or if the machine eats my ATM card. All of that is just fodder, even funny stuff. I don't think to keep track of every minor ding to tell my friends about it.

I have a friend who is a very successful doula who just sold a book. For the past, I don't know, seven years, she's lived a pretty positive and amazing life. I don't think of her as any less "real" right now than I do 10 years ago, when she had fertility issues. I was there for her then, I'm here for her now. I receive who and what and where she is without poking at her like, "But what's BAD?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you sound like "Real Housewives," who loveeee to see the other ones fail and fall and go through difficulties, only to praise them for "being vulnerable."

One of them lost a brother to suicide, and one of them said in an interview how she was "finally soft" and "finally vulnerable."

Like...you're glad someone's brother is dead so you can see them hurting?

I, for one, love to see my friends and family doing well. I love to see my cousin perform onstage. I love to hear that my sister is pursuing an advanced degree. I am glad that my friend from college is making a ton more money now that she's a nurse practitioner. I'm thrilled that my friend sold his business and is using the money to travel and to buy a fabulous new condo in Manhattan.

I'm here for them if they need me. I am grateful they can lean on me when they need to.

But it costs me nothing to be happy for my friend and his amazing place in NYC; will I ever be able to afford that? No! But it's not like I feel "less than" because something great happened to him that he worked for. Or even if he DIDN'T work for--I *want* my friends to win the lottery! When something sad or difficult happens to him, like if one of his parents were to pass away, I would not be glad he was "finally vulnerable."

Ick. I can't imagine feeling that way about my family and friends.

I think the idea is that with your true friends you share the ups and the downs. Everyone has struggles in their life. It’s not always sitting around sobbing about someone dying. It’s the day to day, week to week challenges we all face.

Things like venting about your crazy boss, sharing your worry over your kid who seems like he might have developmental delays, Talking about the annoying thing your DH did, or how much your hips hurt now that you’re 8 months pregnant, or how much you hate February weather and are sick of being inside....These are the kinds of things I discuss with my friends, along with all the wins. I feel true delight in my friends’ success, but part of that is because I have the context of their struggles too so I know how exciting it is when they get that new job (and away from the evil boss!) or have the new baby it took years of fertility treatment to conceive.

When someone never shares the struggles along with the successes, it makes me think we aren’t really friends and we aren’t actually close.

So someone who isn't struggling isn't genuine?

I don't really think my friends are that interested if a coworker is a bit rude to me, or if the machine eats my ATM card. All of that is just fodder, even funny stuff. I don't think to keep track of every minor ding to tell my friends about it.

I have a friend who is a very successful doula who just sold a book. For the past, I don't know, seven years, she's lived a pretty positive and amazing life. I don't think of her as any less "real" right now than I do 10 years ago, when she had fertility issues. I was there for her then, I'm here for her now. I receive who and what and where she is without poking at her like, "But what's BAD?"

I think maybe you and your doula friend aren’t very close anymore if all you hear is how great her life is, yes.

Everyone has challenges in their life.