SIL who never shows a crack in the armor

[Anonymous]

She is overcompensating and not very smart!
I have a friend whose “adventures” are not just upbeat, they are super mundane. It is not as annoying as she does not text but posts on FB, but still.
She posted her 7 mile hike in the rain with kids who were wet and looked pretty miserable and made it look like the happiest outing ever.
Here’s the kicker: she lives with a penny pinching husband who is bothered by her buying herself a pair of jeans; she is with her kids 24/7; she hasn’t traveled except their interstate move for a year; she lives with her MIL; etc etc.
The poor woman would go crazy if she faced her misery and took it for what it is.
I should actually say former friend I guess - we don’t have much to talk about since she moved and I know I can’t say what I really think about her husband and her life - we had this conversation- so I see no point in maintaining this friendship.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

Not daily, but we do text weekly. If I don’t want daily texts, I know how to open my mouth and set reasonable boundaries.

Sound like you need to work on speaking up if you have a problem...

I do like brownie recipes and tips, if you have any.

Sooo, she didn't text you daily about the red carpet, you saw it on social media and were pleased for her. Totally different circumstances. Do you have any actionable advice for reducing volume of unwanted texts?

Oh, she texted me about the movie! I've known about it here and there through the process: when she got hired, during production, Etc. It's been very exciting!

Here's a script for people who can't figure out basic communication on their own:
"Hey SIL, as you've noticed, I'm not great at keeping up with daily texts. I have so many emails and other messages to keep up with, daily just isn't for me. Can we try checking in over text on Fridays?"

There you go! Any other basic things you need help with that would literally require five seconds of thinking through?

Does poorly executed sarcasm make you happy?

In the face of deliberate ineptitude and willful/feigned ignorance, it absolutely does.

With respect, it's not that easy to dial down entrenched in-law communication without making waves. Your suggestion might be fine in theory but in practice, it's dicier. Way dicier.

+1,000,000 The smug poster does not seem to understand how complicated family systems are. Might be easier to slowly decrease response and get yourself over time to a once a week check of texts and positive comments. I would not use the words that poster used if there is any family dysfunction. There is nothing mean there, but someone who needs to text this stuff daily may be a tad obsessive and you don't want to ruffle feathers. Easier to slowly fade to once a week or less.

Here's what: yes, SIL or someone else might find my message off-putting. And? So? It is a clear and honest expression of a reasonable boundary. So if anyone has a problem with a reasonable boundary, that's their issue, not mine.

I will always be the person who communicates directly when there is an issue, or when I have a need or a preference. I will never be the person who resents and gossips and speculates and winds myself into knots over...a few texts.

You may think you're being kind by stuffing your wants down, but the proof is in the pudding: I'm not the one on the internet bashing my SIL, and inviting others to do the same.

No, you’re on the Internet being smug! 🤣

It's really not my problem that you interpret directness and refusal to play petty, gossipy games as being "smug." You can keep stewing about it. That's not my issue.

No, that all sounds fine. It's your repeated posts and tone that leads to the "smug" categorization. Give advice, be compassionate, move on. And recognize that in-law relationships are fraught and what might work for your movie pal in Tampa (?) might not work with a long-entrenched in-law dynamic with many more opportunities for misinterpretation and deeper repercussions with hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

Not daily, but we do text weekly. If I don’t want daily texts, I know how to open my mouth and set reasonable boundaries.

Sound like you need to work on speaking up if you have a problem...

I do like brownie recipes and tips, if you have any.

Sooo, she didn't text you daily about the red carpet, you saw it on social media and were pleased for her. Totally different circumstances. Do you have any actionable advice for reducing volume of unwanted texts?

Oh, she texted me about the movie! I've known about it here and there through the process: when she got hired, during production, Etc. It's been very exciting!

Here's a script for people who can't figure out basic communication on their own:
"Hey SIL, as you've noticed, I'm not great at keeping up with daily texts. I have so many emails and other messages to keep up with, daily just isn't for me. Can we try checking in over text on Fridays?"

There you go! Any other basic things you need help with that would literally require five seconds of thinking through?

Does poorly executed sarcasm make you happy?

In the face of deliberate ineptitude and willful/feigned ignorance, it absolutely does.

With respect, it's not that easy to dial down entrenched in-law communication without making waves. Your suggestion might be fine in theory but in practice, it's dicier. Way dicier.

+1,000,000 The smug poster does not seem to understand how complicated family systems are. Might be easier to slowly decrease response and get yourself over time to a once a week check of texts and positive comments. I would not use the words that poster used if there is any family dysfunction. There is nothing mean there, but someone who needs to text this stuff daily may be a tad obsessive and you don't want to ruffle feathers. Easier to slowly fade to once a week or less.

Here's what: yes, SIL or someone else might find my message off-putting. And? So? It is a clear and honest expression of a reasonable boundary. So if anyone has a problem with a reasonable boundary, that's their issue, not mine.

I will always be the person who communicates directly when there is an issue, or when I have a need or a preference. I will never be the person who resents and gossips and speculates and winds myself into knots over...a few texts.

You may think you're being kind by stuffing your wants down, but the proof is in the pudding: I'm not the one on the internet bashing my SIL, and inviting others to do the same.

No, you’re on the Internet being smug! 🤣

It's really not my problem that you interpret directness and refusal to play petty, gossipy games as being "smug." You can keep stewing about it. That's not my issue.

No, that all sounds fine. It's your repeated posts and tone that leads to the "smug" categorization. Give advice, be compassionate, move on. And recognize that in-law relationships are fraught and what might work for your movie pal in Tampa (?) might not work with a long-entrenched in-law dynamic with many more opportunities for misinterpretation and deeper repercussions with hurt feelings.

I'm not that concerned with what you deem as "fine" for me to do. I'm going to post as I choose to post. Have a good day!

[Anonymous]

Tampa red carpet example was dumb.
NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

Not daily, but we do text weekly. If I don’t want daily texts, I know how to open my mouth and set reasonable boundaries.

Sound like you need to work on speaking up if you have a problem...

I do like brownie recipes and tips, if you have any.

Sooo, she didn't text you daily about the red carpet, you saw it on social media and were pleased for her. Totally different circumstances. Do you have any actionable advice for reducing volume of unwanted texts?

Oh, she texted me about the movie! I've known about it here and there through the process: when she got hired, during production, Etc. It's been very exciting!

Here's a script for people who can't figure out basic communication on their own:
"Hey SIL, as you've noticed, I'm not great at keeping up with daily texts. I have so many emails and other messages to keep up with, daily just isn't for me. Can we try checking in over text on Fridays?"

There you go! Any other basic things you need help with that would literally require five seconds of thinking through?

Does poorly executed sarcasm make you happy?

In the face of deliberate ineptitude and willful/feigned ignorance, it absolutely does.

With respect, it's not that easy to dial down entrenched in-law communication without making waves. Your suggestion might be fine in theory but in practice, it's dicier. Way dicier.

+1,000,000 The smug poster does not seem to understand how complicated family systems are. Might be easier to slowly decrease response and get yourself over time to a once a week check of texts and positive comments. I would not use the words that poster used if there is any family dysfunction. There is nothing mean there, but someone who needs to text this stuff daily may be a tad obsessive and you don't want to ruffle feathers. Easier to slowly fade to once a week or less.

Here's what: yes, SIL or someone else might find my message off-putting. And? So? It is a clear and honest expression of a reasonable boundary. So if anyone has a problem with a reasonable boundary, that's their issue, not mine.

I will always be the person who communicates directly when there is an issue, or when I have a need or a preference. I will never be the person who resents and gossips and speculates and winds myself into knots over...a few texts.

You may think you're being kind by stuffing your wants down, but the proof is in the pudding: I'm not the one on the internet bashing my SIL, and inviting others to do the same.

x1000 There is someone in the wrong here and it isn't the PP. Work on your jealousy OP and the posters who are also jealous because showing your green-eyed-monster isn't a good look for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

DP, but I would LOVE my SIL to text me daily with brownie making techniques!

When making a box mix brownie, sub out the vegetable oil for an equal quantity of of coconut oil. It makes for the fudgiest, dense brownies ever.

If you get the Ghiradelli box mix, you can mix two tablespoons with one tablespoon of water, then microwave for a minute. You get a forty calorie mini-brownie!

[Anonymous]

Here’s another perspective based entirely upon my SIL.

SIL had a blog then gravitated to insta. Updates daily with filtered photos of her DC, everything from fabulous home decor, to vacation photos, curated and thoughtful collages of birthday child, to special birthday meals she’s made for the family. Every day is a SPECIAL OCCASION!!! Live, love, laugh

Cue record scratch:

Guess what? Her social media accounts portray a fictionalized family. Nothing is rooted in reality.

SIL has been obsessed with creating a photogenic family and has controlled and gamed just about every aspect of her DC lives, kind of like a hostile takeover. Think of the mom who always volunteers for every school event but instead this mom does it for the photo ops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, does anyone have advice for getting over the envy of a SIL who is always upbeat, happy, and projects constant perfection? Everything is awe and wonder, from the cookies she baked with her kids to a sunset to her brand-new puppy to her new deck and on and on. Sometimes it's all a bit much because she shares this stuff in texts constantly. It is ALL RAINBOWS all the time.

I am going through some issues with my parents right now and just beginning to feel annoyed by her constant Pollyanna-ness. I also want to do some internal work on my envy. Anyone been there and have ideas?

I have some people in my life like this, including my SIL.
This is though, I know she calls her mom 2-5x a day to vent or get advice or be worried with.
She’s great at the “never let them see you sweat” BS but is only authentic with a few old friends and her mom.
Meanwhile, tons of posts, pics, and gushy accolades online. But they don’t bother me, being positive is good. But I know she gets real too, and makes mistakes. I’m just not her go to person or that, nor do I want to be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

Does she also text you daily to gush about her new brownie-making techniques?

DP, but I would LOVE my SIL to text me daily with brownie making techniques!

When making a box mix brownie, sub out the vegetable oil for an equal quantity of of coconut oil. It makes for the fudgiest, dense brownies ever.

If you get the Ghiradelli box mix, you can mix two tablespoons with one tablespoon of water, then microwave for a minute. You get a forty calorie mini-brownie!

Hmm.. I’m trying this right now!! Thx for the hack!

[Anonymous]

Double it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look at things differently OP. Living like your SIL is exhausting. I can’t imagine that she has much peace. Just be kind and patient and don’t push her to be negative. We are all just getting by in our own way.

Or maybe she has found the secret of being at peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look at things differently OP. Living like your SIL is exhausting. I can’t imagine that she has much peace. Just be kind and patient and don’t push her to be negative. We are all just getting by in our own way.

Actually, staying focused on gratitude and the positive in your life IS the way to stay happy and have "peace." This may be exactly what she is doing. Look at the research OP and start your own "gratitude journal."

[Anonymous]

The most disturbing aspect is that OP accepts what she reads on social media as objective truth or reality. But I guess it makes perfect sense for one shallow idiot to be jealous of another shallow idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is overcompensating and not very smart!
I have a friend whose “adventures” are not just upbeat, they are super mundane. It is not as annoying as she does not text but posts on FB, but still.
She posted her 7 mile hike in the rain with kids who were wet and looked pretty miserable and made it look like the happiest outing ever.
Here’s the kicker: she lives with a penny pinching husband who is bothered by her buying herself a pair of jeans; she is with her kids 24/7; she hasn’t traveled except their interstate move for a year; she lives with her MIL; etc etc.
The poor woman would go crazy if she faced her misery and took it for what it is.
I should actually say former friend I guess - we don’t have much to talk about since she moved and I know I can’t say what I really think about her husband and her life - we had this conversation- so I see no point in maintaining this friendship.

Wouldn't you own life be so much better if you didn't waste your time picking apart other people's social media posts? Don't you have some laundry to fold or dishes tomwsdh?

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it's just a difference in temperament that you are observing between yourself and your SIL, don't be so hard on yourself.

My mother is always exuberantly bragging about the dumbest s#$%...she doesn't just mow the lawn....she mows the most amazing lawn evah with great intensity and dedication to every aspect of its care. She doesn't just make lunch...she makes the most decadent grilled cheese sandwich that took an immense amount of dedication and focus to pull off. She just has a knack for making the most mundane, benign experiences and objects seem over the top amazing and difficult to accomplish.

In comparison to her, I am very, very low key. Yet when I switch into an exuberant mindset, I can spot all sorts of things exuberant people like my mother would deem swoon worthy. i.e. Tonight, we baked deep dish pizza that was shipped to us from Chicago. I ate it with my family, talked about how delicious it was and commented that we should order it again. End of experience. Yet I know that my exuberant mother would have posted the images of the pizza all over Facebook, speak excessively about how long it took her to bake it, how many miles it travelled from Chicago to her home, how exquisite the cheese was, how amazing the crust tasted and on and on.

Im willing to bet your SIL can see all sorts of things in your life that are amazing that maybe you just aren't paying attention to...